Friend's behaviour

[Immigrantsong]

Today is my birthday and my friend has yet to contact me. Her birthday is on the same day one month prior to mine, so it's easy to remember for both of us as the day is the same and only the month differs.

I always do loads for her birthday and build it up so she can feel special and loved. Last month for her birthday, I did a social distanced BBQ on the weekend before her big day and gave her some gifts. She loved everything and seemed to appreciate the effort. I also made sure to text her and call her on her actual birthday after the weekend.

Yet today it's my birthday and so far I have had no text or call.

This has made me reflect on things. I seem to be the one keeping the friendship going and make all the effort. She never initiates anything and comes to me when she needs something. I have seen her though make efforts for others and can't believe I have been so oblivious.

She is the only friend I have from the same country and we usually wish happy birthday early in the day as a custom.

Aibu to feel upset and that if she truly wanted she would be making more of an effort? What would you do if this was you?

Please be gentle, feeling very upset about this.

I can't understand why you still went out of your way to help her instead of standing up for yourself. Instead, you allowed her to use you and so she still thinks you're available to pick up and drop whenever she wants.

Unless you actually specify what you believe she has done wrong, she will never know. I think you ought to stand up to her.

@KaptainKaveman

I can't understand why you still went out of your way to help her instead of standing up for yourself. Instead, you allowed her to use you and so she still thinks you're available to pick up and drop whenever she wants.

Unless you actually specify what you believe she has done wrong, she will never know. I think you ought to stand up to her.

She sounded absolutely terrified about her upcoming interview.

I wouldn't wish for anyone to feel that much stress and anxiety. So I helped her because I would do so for anyone, let alone someone I consider a friend.

I may have a chat with her once I have had more time to process and reflect on things.

@stayathomer

I have a friend who does tons and tons of things for me, so much I cant keep up. I try to do stuff for her but it either doesn't come together or she pips me to the post and does something else, rings me first etc. I love her and I do try but sometimes life gets in the way. If she did this aibu I'd be friendless!!! OP you have to ease off the pedal, without knowing it you're expecting what she does for you right back and that's not fair and also probably not going to happen. We're all different people who put priorities on different things and yes unfortunately some of us drop the ball and are thoughtless sometimes, but it doesn't mean we dont care. Saying that with your update you seem to have decided so maybe it's fir the best

I am a very enthusiastic and passionate person and having to censor myself or withhold my affection and way of showing it would stifle me.

Also I don't see how me posting in AIBU has anything to do with ending friendless.

Can people really not understand what I am trying to explain that we are all different? You want me to accept people that make zero or very minimum efforts, but why is it that bad to also think of those that make efforts and try to reach a compromise?

Also where in all I have written and thoroughly explained so far did I state that I expected anything other than a call or text? Why does this seem to be such a big thing to ask for in this country?

Is it really that horrible to expect your friends to be there for you on your birthday?

Your posts on here and your humility and ability to listen to other voices and take advice and generally your loving nature make me feel that you are an amazing person @Immigrantsong and I definitely would appreciate a friend like you in my life.

A belated happy birthday from me.

Perhaps another response to her call about her interview could possibly have been that you were too busy to talk, and let her work it out. The fact that you allowed her to gloss over hurting you speaks volumes.

IF she was a good friend she would know your birthday means a lot to you, and she would have made damn sure to call or text you. She was telling you in a not so subtle way that you are very low on her list of priorities. Bottom in fact.

It is a job interview, not major surgery, I don't think it is a good enough excuse, and the brass neck cheek to then call and say 'soz about your birthday, anyway back to me....' says it all.

You are being taken advantage of. She is having a field day, she puts nothing into the frienship and yet continues to extract everything she can.

Think of the cash dispenser analogy. You only have so much time and energy in life, and she is constantly at the cash point withdrawing more and more, and never pays a penny back.

You will learn to look out for these vampires as start to exercise discretion with your friendships and relationships overall.

If she calls for help you are busy or ignore the call. Whatever crisis she comes up with, you are now unavailable. People don't get to treat you like an endless emotional cashpoint, put a stop to it. Being so giving is a positive disadvantage when surrounded by blood suckers, so choose yourself next time not her latest crisis - just try it.

I noticed this with a lot of people. Unless I make the effort and am the first to message I never hear from anyone. I have lots of people , I know but only my husband is my really,true best friend. I lost tonnes of friends over the years. People I was very close to, saw as sisters, best friends with. But now I am fine just with my children and my family.

Scale back from this woman. Let her rush to you and do things for you. If shes your real, true best friend she will make the effort also. Friendships and relationships are not a one way street.

stay there is one thing not to be able to 'keep up' with grand gestures, quite another not to manage a single text. Anyone can manage that regardless of how 'busy' they are.

Has the same with my birthday my friend said the week before that we must catch up for my birthday then on the day nothing !! No text no message on Facebook and nothing more about catching up !! Yet on her birthday I made the effort to drop a card and pressie off to her. Bizarre!!

OP You sound lovely. She does not!

If a very good friend of mine could not be arsed to send a text wishing me Happy Birthday on the day I would be revising my thoughts on the friendship.
There are 24 hours in a day and there is no excuse for not taking 30 seconds out to do that. If she genuinely forgot (don't know how given phones have reminder on them) and contacted you on the next day full of apologies, that might be different. But to contact you after your birthday to ask for help and saying happy birthday as an afterthought is not on.

OP, you need to revise your thoughts about this friendship, you sound kind and caring, unlike her.

OP I think you might have read my post wrong. I said if my friend did an aibu on all she did for me, people would tell her to get rid of me but I do try and I love her!

@stayathomer

OP I think you might have read my post wrong. I said if my friend did an aibu on all she did for me, people would tell her to get rid of me but I do try and I love her!

Apologies. I am really quite upset about it all and didn't read what you wrote right.

Thank you for taking the time to explain. I am ruminating a lot atm.

No problem, more likely to be me, I throw stuff down on mn, I'm not always saying what I think I'm saying!!!

@Friendsoftheearth

Perhaps another response to her call about her interview could possibly have been that you were too busy to talk, and let her work it out. The fact that you allowed her to gloss over hurting you speaks volumes.

IF she was a good friend she would know your birthday means a lot to you, and she would have made damn sure to call or text you. She was telling you in a not so subtle way that you are very low on her list of priorities. Bottom in fact.

It is a job interview, not major surgery, I don't think it is a good enough excuse, and the brass neck cheek to then call and say 'soz about your birthday, anyway back to me....' says it all.

You are being taken advantage of. She is having a field day, she puts nothing into the frienship and yet continues to extract everything she can.

Think of the cash dispenser analogy. You only have so much time and energy in life, and she is constantly at the cash point withdrawing more and more, and never pays a penny back.

You will learn to look out for these vampires as start to exercise discretion with your friendships and relationships overall.

If she calls for help you are busy or ignore the call. Whatever crisis she comes up with, you are now unavailable. People don't get to treat you like an endless emotional cashpoint, put a stop to it. Being so giving is a positive disadvantage when surrounded by blood suckers, so choose yourself next time not her latest crisis - just try it.

Thank you for this, some very good points made.

I was abused as a child and due to narcissistic parents I know i can be quite co dependent. I am working on these points, but I am afraid I am not quite out of the circle of co dependency yet.

My friend also knew about some absolutely horrible things that have happened to me this year (sorry don't want to go into detail as very telling) and she hasn't really been there. In fact she made me feel ridiculous a few times.

The more I am thinking of it, the more I realise that my boundaries were not in place. I thank you. Back to therapy for me.

I hope you had a lovely birthday.x

Happy birthday 💐
It sounds like you’re putting much more effort into the friendship than her. I would definitely scale it back. Her excuse about the interview prep is poor. That would explain why she was busy on the day but that’s not a reason for her not to have sorted at least a card prior to your birthday. You deserve better.

Every time you post it makes me think she is a fool to treat you like she has. You seem a genuine, kind and loyal person and as pps have said, you deserve far more than the dregs she gives you

I can tell op, because I used to be the same as you. Even if you have done lots of work, sometimes we can slip back.

I was also abused as a child with narc parents, and we always give so much of ourselves to others even when we are depleted, it is very difficult to break the pattern entirely.

I always evaluate my relationships now with detachment, is this person giving back to me? Are they showing me they care? Is it equal or am I the one propping things up? Are they there for me when I need them? I do these evaluations probably three times a year. I don't necessarily call time on the friendship, but I scale things back and put them on the outer edges of my circles and stop engaging. They can either notice and step up or they remain where they are in the okay friend nothing special category.

We were not loved or cared for as much as we should have been, and the only person that can really make us feel secure and loved ultimately is ourselves, so by putting yourself first - standing up for your needs you are not continuing the abuse by always coming last.

This is even more relevant if you have had a difficult year.

You are better alone that with people that make you feel bad op. At least there is time and space for someone new that has love to give back.

You are back in the same pattern op that were in as a child, repeating the same outcome. Just instead of your parents there is your so called CF friends instead.

People that are emotionally unavailable are not your friends.
People that don't give back are not your friends.
People that make you feel sad, abused, take advantage of are not your friends.
People that don't even send a text on your birthday are not your friends.
They really are not.

Get rid of the users and the abusers once and for all.

@Friendsoftheearth all you wrote really resonates.

I have always tried hard with all relationships and gave and gave. I don't know how to stop it. I am very lucky that some people appreciate it and reciprocate the kindness, but yes I absolutely need to be very careful about all others.

Recovery from abuse is not easy and I often slip back on my people pleasing mode, because it is so ingrained in me but you are right and I do need to keep trying.

Thank you for all the tips, they have been what I needed and I will keep working on me getting there. I wish you all the best, it is the worst going through a childhood with narcissistic parents and the abuse they bestow.

Hi @Immigrantsong, it's so hard, isn't it, 'just' to break the cycle and place boundaries. I struggle along the same lines as you and I have recently realised I have once again repeated the same pattern of people pleasing and codependency. It is shit. Sorry I hope you don't mind my swearing. You deserve so much better. Trust your initial instinct that knew this was not ok for you and made you write here. She is using you it seems, she doesn't care about you in the same way. Sorry. Good luck in therapy. You are definitely not alone though, from one codependent to another.

Op you have made so much progress, because at least now you recognise that something is wrong with the friendship/her behaviour.

For many years I could not 'see' the CF behaviour must less address it. I was always the 'giver', always the one to put the effort in/care and look after others. It is almost a default mode! This is just another legacy of the abuse and neglect, and something we should not beat ourselves up about.

People pleasing makes me so cross, I stand there and wonder why I am doing this?! It is particularly noticeable when other people are uncomfortable, I rush to their aid. Make things better, always trying to make things better. Now I think about what situations I am likely to fall into people pleasing - social events, certain friends, my family and I stand back now and allow the event to unfold without feeling the need to make it a 'success' or otherwise.
I don't drink very much, when I feel my nerves jangling, I reassure myself, I parent myself. It is shit! perfect is right, having to be careful - moderating behaviour is against the grain of the giver - but the result is feeling constantly drained by life, by people by those that are supposed to love and take care of us, and still feeling empty as hell.

So next year instead of throwing a BBQ and buying your friend gifts, you book a massage and buy yourself something beautiful. You send a one line birthday text.

This christmas instead of flogging yourself half to death, take a deep breath and start doing things for you. It is okay to come first op. If you don't do it, who will?

I agree with @Friendsoftheearth. The difficulty is in going against the grain. In your post you mentioned your 'friend' was stressed about an interview. Well...to put in bluntly, so what. You are doing tons of personal work on yourself, why shouldn't she? You are learning to care for yourself, why shouldn't she? This is the trap we fall into over and over again, as we believe we have to help someone else's anxiety. Let her feel anxious and allow her to manage it. She's an adult. Relate to her adult to adult.

I’m in a similar situation with a friend OP, and am starting / trying to pull back. It’s so, so hard - if you’re somebody who is expressive and wants to show care for others and be there, it sometimes feels like a choice between hurting yourself by pulling back (if they notice??) or hurting yourself by continuing to give more.

I think there are two separate issues: what she does or doesn't do for your birthday, and whether she is in general a 'taker' rather than a 'giver'.

I should admit my own biases:I am truly birthday-phobic (my own, not others') and would find it very distressing if other people made a big fuss over it: indeed, I don't want it mentioned at all. However, I realize that most people are not like me. Nevertheless, among the adults whom I know, while many would wish to have their birthday treated as special by their partners and close relatives, only some would wish it to be 'built up' by other friends, and those who do, tend to take the initiative in organizing a party or special event. And I do consider that how you treat someone every day is far more important than how you treat their birthday.

However - it does sound as though she doesn't make much effort in general, except when she needs something. And that, to me, would be the problem. not the birthday itself. If it's a recent problem, it could be due to the stress of lockdown, pandemic fears, and/or the economic fall-out (e.g. the job interview might be particularly all-absorbing to her if she's desperately worried about making ends meet). But if it's a long-term issue, I'd at least 'cool' the friendship - either don't get in touch with her any more unless she does with you, or - if you still get something out of the friendship- do so just on an occasional, fairly casual basis.

Hope your birthday nice. Yes more effort could be made. Im still awaiting my friend to arrange a catch up since June. Yet again if I dont chase her wont happen. Just tired chasing people