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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To completely refuse my neighbour’s excuse about autistic child swearing at my children?

113 replies

SpicyEnchiladas · 20/08/2020 23:12

A bit of background about these neighbours. They’re a massive family living together but no one knows who’s who. They come to this property during school holidays only despite living in the same town. Every single bloody time they cause so much noise during the day and night but we suck it up and wait for the school holidays to finish. Now they’ve been here since lockdown and I think we’ve reached the end of our tether.

The screaming is unbelievable! Everyone is shouting. They don’t talk, they shout. I can’t keep count of how many sleepless nights we had because of them. Too many family gatherings giving the middle finger to the lockdown rules. Kids still awake and running at 2 am.

This afternoon my child was playing in the garden then came to me saying the neighbour’s child is telling him to F off and using the middle finger at him! I went out and found that it was three of them not just one. No idea if they’re siblings, cousins .. no idea. They were still using the middle finger. One of them didn’t see me then shouted at my child “I will kill you and kill your mum”. I then told him to call his mum or any adult around so I can speak to them but they obviously ran away and closed their windows.

I went out and knocked on the door and was met with a group of children ranging between 5-12 all laughing and thinking it’s funny. I asked to see an adult then a teen girl came out to say that there’s no one at home. I was extremely polite with her as she looked nice and apologised for what the boy did. I asked if she can ask the parents to knock on my door once they’re back as I would like to discuss what happened and the problem of noise in general. No one came as I expected.

Come 10 o’clock and you’d think it’s Rio de Janeiro’s festival next door! The house is full of family from different households and children swearing, kicking walls, banging each other. I knocked on their door but this time it’s the auntie telling me she’ll let the kids know they’ve been “loud”. I insisted on seeing the parent or at least someone who actually lives here, then the mum of the child came out. No apology or anything. The first thing she said is “ my child is autistic and the school knows about it”. I said to her that autism isn’t an excuse for using foul language and threatening to kill other children. Btw the boy looks around 10 years old. She completely refused to listen to me and then carried on saying that I’m inconsiderate because I don’t understand that he’s got special needs. Her son and other probably 7 children behind her were swearing at the background and laughing out loud. Not a single reaction from the mum or the aunties!

I forgot to say that I was quite angry this afternoon because my 8 year old was really affected and he told me while we were having dinner that he doesn’t want anyone to kill me!

Please tell me what should I do with them now? They’re carrying on with their gathering and terribly loud noise as if nothing has been said just half an hour ago.

OP posts:
Shell4429 · 22/08/2020 12:58

@DDemelza is stirring again 🙄

Shopkinsdoll · 22/08/2020 13:21

We had terrible problems with our neighbours son. We all used to be so friendly then their autistic son started bullying our son and harassing our family, giving her finger all the time, standing in front of our living room window. Awful awful time, I wanted to move. Got police involved several times. All quietened down now two years later. We don’t talk at all to them.

Underhisi · 22/08/2020 13:25

And so it begins.....

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/08/2020 13:35

I thought the community comment was more in the context of a few bad apples leading people to say “everyone on xyz estate are scum” (I know my area / community has a bad reputation, when actually the majority are normal folk).
But I think the best you can do OP is just keep complaining to the council or police about the noise, as it doesn’t look like knocking on the door will have much effect. If multiple people complain (and I’m sure your other neighbours aren’t happy either) maybe something will be done. Flowers

FancyAnOlive · 22/08/2020 18:55

What do you mean, 'no one knows who's who'? Presumably they all know who's who. There's something about your post making me uncomfortable - you know how you said it was like 'Rio' out there and there are so many of them etc etc - you also mentioned immigration officers. Are your neighbours BAME? I can appreciate it sounds like they are noisy etc but it also sounds like you have a bit of an odd attitude towards them in the first place because they live differently to the way you do - in a ten bedroom house with all their family around them.

SpicyEnchiladas · 22/08/2020 23:35

Apologies for my late reply. I have forgotten about this thread and I got busy with my DCs. I will be replying to your questions now.

I would like to thank everyone first for their replies, some were very detailed and I really appreciate it. I never knew that noisy neighbours are actually this common and a lot of you ladies have experienced it! It's awful. Now the good news is that they were really good today. No gatherings as I believe they must have had a visit from the police. Children were a bit loud in the afternoon but I took my DCs out at that time and by the time we came back it was all fine.

I have spoken to their other neighbour yesterday, and unfortunately what I heard scared me a little. This neighbour is literally going through the same hell as we do. But when he complained repeately they put a drill through his wall and he had to inform the local authority to get it sorted! According to him it took months and months of fights to get them to repair the damage to his wall. He also said that when they were doing the loft extension a few years ago, they were doing the work themselves at stupid o'clock and the police was called several times to stop them. I just felt a bit angry that we weren't informed about all of this from the vendor of our house. This neighbour said that the couple who sold their house to us also had several quarrels with these neighbours, this was never mentioned at any point and I feel it's a bit dishonest! Some of you might call me naive as obviously the vendors won't mention any thing that might affect the sale of their house, but if I were in their position I'd perhaps just warn the buyer about what happens during the school holidays. It wouldn't have affected our decision to buy the house as we really like it and as I said before we were ignoring them previously when life was normal and there was no lockdown.

OP posts:
Myyearmytime · 22/08/2020 23:47

You need to go to solicitors about your vendors as you have declared any problem you have with your neighbours

SpicyEnchiladas · 22/08/2020 23:59

@SleepingStandingUp

Can you talk to the couple's who live there term time calmly?

Yes we will do that once they leave hopefully next week. The problem is we don't know who are the couples who live there. Everytime I see someone different. There was a strong banging inside their house at 5 am one day which woke us up with a male voice clearly shouting "OPEN THE DOOR!" several times. It seems that the wife locked her bedroom door and didn't want to let him in.She was shouting at him as well in their language. I was a bit concerned for her. The next day my husband went and told him that the banging on the door at 5 am did wake us all up to which the man replied that "It wasn't banging, I was trying to open the wardrobe"! The wife was laughing out so loud for a few minutes after DH returned, as if she was trying to prove a point?!

@DDemelza

You swore in your first paragraph. Why do you hold a stressed-out child with special needs to a higher standard than you hold yourself?

Are you serious? I'm 30. If I swore on an adult forum while telling other grown ups about what I'm going through, that surely doesn't make me threatening, attacking and directing anti social behaviour at them, or what do you think? What a weird analogy!

Yeah, I read the post... another predictable autism-bashing thread on MN. How my heart sang.

Why would there be autism-bashing threads? I'm sorry if my post offended you it was never my intention to offend anybody. I completely understand what parents of children with SEN go through every day. It's not easy. But I refuse to use it as an excuse for foul language and death threats given by a group of children who weren't displaying any manners. What should have I done in your opinion?

OP posts:
SpicyEnchiladas · 23/08/2020 00:07

@Catsup

Do you even know which person owns the house?

Nope.

@romeolovedjulliet

do you know for certain that the child is sen or is this the 'mothers' excuse ?

Nope. "My child has autism and the school knows about it" was the first sentence she threw at me. When I started to say about the other children and the family in general being noisy she flipped! I left straight away.

OP posts:
clairefrasier · 23/08/2020 00:11

YANBU - I say this as a parent of a DC with ASD. Swearing and telling your child that they are going to kill your child and you is nothing to do with ASD.

SpicyEnchiladas · 23/08/2020 00:29

@justanotherneighinparadise

I’m intrigued. You mentioned immigration talking to neighbours but getting no further with their investigation. What nationality are they?

They are Pakistanis. I didn't want this to go through the race or nationality bashing hence no mention of it in my OP. I had Pakistani neighbours in the past and they were utterly lovely.

@Jellycatspyjamas

OP your post is absolutely dripping in judgement and thinly veiled distain for this family and their lifestyle. You were polite to the girl that opened the door “because she looked nice”?

What I meant to say was that I didn't take my (rightly so) anger on her when I went to knock the first time. I was "extremely" polite because she was a teen, not the parent. And because she was nice when she answered the door "Sorry about what he said I heard him from upstairs" was her first sentence. I then asked to speak to the mum or dad when they return home to which she said that she'll let them know.

@Mynameisrow

Grow a fast growing hedge along your boundary line. It will stop them seeing in and be a slight barrier to the noise

We have a high fence. They don't use their garden as it's full of rubbish which is a shame as it's a massive garden and their children could let their steam off outside a little rather than being indoors all day long. They were swearing from the windows upstairs which gives them a full view of our garden.

@Ablackrussian

I don't get this bit, op. What business is it of yours who is who?

Wouldn't you want to know who your neighbours are? There are different people inside everytime.

@manicinsomniac

You say you don't know who they all are or how they fit together - could you try some friendly interest and find out a bit about them.

When we moved in we introduced ourselves to the neighbours with some cake and friendly conversations. It's what we're used to do whenever we move. Most of the neighbours already knew about us before we moved in and spoke to my husband as he was there nearly everyday for some time while checking the house work's progress. They were the only neighbours who didn't answer the door at the time despite their cars were parked outside on 3 occasions. We just assumed that they don't want to have anything to do with us and we respected their decision. I don't think I'll be able to put on my nice face and go to have friendly chat with them I'm afraid!

OP posts:
SpicyEnchiladas · 23/08/2020 00:45

@Barbie222

Where are they the rest of the time?

They live in another property in the same town 5 minutes away.

@WitchesGlove

*Also, who owns the house? If council, complain to them. If not, inform the owner of what is going on- they are unlikely to want their house wrecked.

Try and film them so that you have proof. Could you set up CCTV? Might be a deterrent.*

They own the house. I have recorded my conversation with the mum on my phone. I don't think we will benefit from setting up a CCTV as their noise is mainly indoors.

@differentnameforthis

*That is OP's point... this isn't ONE child making all the noise, yet they are blaming one child b/c he has autism.

Do you not think it is unfair that they are blaming this one child for all the noise? When it clearly isn't just him? He either isn't autistic, or they are exploiting him in order to justify their noise.*

Thank you. You've explained it better than I did.

@Ablackrussian

But surely shitty neighbours are shitty neighbours, regardless of what 'community' they come from.

100% agree. I live in the most multicultural place in the UK and I had neighbours from different ethnicities. They were all really really nice people.

@Silentplikebath

If they are only there during school holidays could you stay elsewhere at those times so that it’s more peaceful for you?

In normal times we'd travel in the holidays to see my parents, in-laws, go on holidays ...etc It wasn't bothering us that much before. Unfortunately, I have nowhere to go now.

OP posts:
Silentplikebath · 23/08/2020 09:45

@SpicyEnchiladas, your living situation has been made so much worse by COVID-19. I’m sorry that you can’t escape from your awful neighbours like you usually do. You must be counting down the days until the end of the school holidays!

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