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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To completely refuse my neighbour’s excuse about autistic child swearing at my children?

113 replies

SpicyEnchiladas · 20/08/2020 23:12

A bit of background about these neighbours. They’re a massive family living together but no one knows who’s who. They come to this property during school holidays only despite living in the same town. Every single bloody time they cause so much noise during the day and night but we suck it up and wait for the school holidays to finish. Now they’ve been here since lockdown and I think we’ve reached the end of our tether.

The screaming is unbelievable! Everyone is shouting. They don’t talk, they shout. I can’t keep count of how many sleepless nights we had because of them. Too many family gatherings giving the middle finger to the lockdown rules. Kids still awake and running at 2 am.

This afternoon my child was playing in the garden then came to me saying the neighbour’s child is telling him to F off and using the middle finger at him! I went out and found that it was three of them not just one. No idea if they’re siblings, cousins .. no idea. They were still using the middle finger. One of them didn’t see me then shouted at my child “I will kill you and kill your mum”. I then told him to call his mum or any adult around so I can speak to them but they obviously ran away and closed their windows.

I went out and knocked on the door and was met with a group of children ranging between 5-12 all laughing and thinking it’s funny. I asked to see an adult then a teen girl came out to say that there’s no one at home. I was extremely polite with her as she looked nice and apologised for what the boy did. I asked if she can ask the parents to knock on my door once they’re back as I would like to discuss what happened and the problem of noise in general. No one came as I expected.

Come 10 o’clock and you’d think it’s Rio de Janeiro’s festival next door! The house is full of family from different households and children swearing, kicking walls, banging each other. I knocked on their door but this time it’s the auntie telling me she’ll let the kids know they’ve been “loud”. I insisted on seeing the parent or at least someone who actually lives here, then the mum of the child came out. No apology or anything. The first thing she said is “ my child is autistic and the school knows about it”. I said to her that autism isn’t an excuse for using foul language and threatening to kill other children. Btw the boy looks around 10 years old. She completely refused to listen to me and then carried on saying that I’m inconsiderate because I don’t understand that he’s got special needs. Her son and other probably 7 children behind her were swearing at the background and laughing out loud. Not a single reaction from the mum or the aunties!

I forgot to say that I was quite angry this afternoon because my 8 year old was really affected and he told me while we were having dinner that he doesn’t want anyone to kill me!

Please tell me what should I do with them now? They’re carrying on with their gathering and terribly loud noise as if nothing has been said just half an hour ago.

OP posts:
Ablackrussian · 22/08/2020 10:24

It would be useful to know who the head of the household is so that complaints can be directed to them

Nope, still none of her business 'who is who'. Report to appropriate authorities.

Barbie222 · 22/08/2020 10:28

Log the noise and move as soon as you can. It will never improve.
Where are they the rest of the time?
People like this definitely give their community a bad name.

ABlackRussian · 22/08/2020 10:34

People like this definitely give their community a bad name.

Sorry, what community? Not sure the OP mentioned it?

theotherfossilsister · 22/08/2020 10:36

I am autistic. I was diagnosed as a child. If I had said this to another child my mother would have apologised profusely to the mother and then sat me down and talked to me about why it is not OK to say things like that. I never did say anything horrible like this, btw, but I said and did many innappropriate things and this was what we needed to do. She's really not doing her child any favours.

ddl1 · 22/08/2020 10:42

I might consider it as a valid excuse regarding the autistic child himself: autism can take many forms and behaviours cannot always be easily controlled. However, the fact that one child is autistic cannot explain or excuse the misbehaviour of all the children in a large family.

ddl1 · 22/08/2020 10:47

Also: 'The house is full of family from different households and children swearing, kicking walls, banging each other' sounds like the very last situation in which an autistic child should be placed! Apart from the fact that it appears to be breaking Covid rules.

WitchesGlove · 22/08/2020 10:52

@Shizzlestix

Social Services.
Second this. Exaggerate if you have to.

Also, who owns the house? If council, complain to them. If not, inform the owner of what is going on- they are unlikely to want their house wrecked.

Try and film them so that you have proof. Could you set up CCTV? Might be a deterrent.

BKCRMP · 22/08/2020 10:53

@WitchesGlove Do not exaggerate. What horrible advice that would backfire anyway.

Ilovemypantry · 22/08/2020 11:02

@romeolovedjulliet

i really hope this isn't real because if it is it's an horrendous situation to be in.
Why would it not be real? There’s plenty of disfunctional, unruly families amongst us unfortunately.
Ilovemypantry · 22/08/2020 11:07

@ABlackRussian

People like this definitely give their community a bad name.

Sorry, what community? Not sure the OP mentioned it?

OP mentioned immigration involved at some stage so I presume the “community “ would mean the immigrant community. Let’s not pretend we don’t know what this about.
Ilovemypantry · 22/08/2020 11:10

@Jellycatspyjamas

You mentioned immigration talking to neighbours but getting no further with their investigation. What nationality are they?

I’m going to lay money the OP says they’re Roma or travellers.

Roma and travellers don’t normally live in 10 bedroomed houses.
dadshere · 22/08/2020 11:16

You have scum neighbours. There is very little you can do. The police won't/can't do anything. We have been in a similar situation, we moved. You can't reason with scum, they will drag up their offspring, who will in turn, drag up their offspring to be identical and thus perpetuate it. Just get away from their. We were told by a friend to hire some of the local Albanian gangster/toughs who for a small fee would be happy to go around and 'talk' some sense into them. We didn't do this though god knows it was tempting sometimes at 4am when they were shouting, swearing and generally being scum.

oakleaffy · 22/08/2020 11:17

@SpicyEnchiladas
I sympathise hugely.
But I'd move...
I stayed {in a tent, admittedly} next to some Romany Gypsies in Kent.
I got flooded out of my tent in a deluge, and they noticed...and were extremely kind, and made me a temporary tent out of bent Hazel poles , covered with a tarp.

It was a dry tent ..BUT, point of this tale... One morning we heard a lot of commotion, effing and jeffing, and so much shouting... and a 'Bad Family' moved on to the site... With the result that the lovely quiet ones moved off.

Good and bad in every Community.

Ablackrussian · 22/08/2020 11:24

OP mentioned immigration involved at some stage so I presume the “community “ would mean the immigrant community. Let’s not pretend we don’t know what this about.

Exactly.

oakleaffy · 22/08/2020 11:25

@dadshere

You have scum neighbours. There is very little you can do. The police won't/can't do anything. We have been in a similar situation, we moved. You can't reason with scum, they will drag up their offspring, who will in turn, drag up their offspring to be identical and thus perpetuate it. Just get away from their. We were told by a friend to hire some of the local Albanian gangster/toughs who for a small fee would be happy to go around and 'talk' some sense into them. We didn't do this though god knows it was tempting sometimes at 4am when they were shouting, swearing and generally being scum.
It seems to be the best way. Cut your losses and get the heck away.
differentnameforthis · 22/08/2020 11:28

@Underhisi

You are focusing on the wrong thing here. The child having autism ( and some children with autism do come out with inappropriate language and behaviour sometimes having been copied and then used a lot) is not really the issue. The general nuisance next door is.
That is OP's point... this isn't ONE child making all the noise, yet they are blaming one child b/c he has autism.

Do you not think it is unfair that they are blaming this one child for all the noise? When it clearly isn't just him? He either isn't autistic, or they are exploiting him in order to justify their noise.

This is not an autism bashing thread (and I say this as a parent of an autistic child) it's an "my neighbours are loud and they are blaming one person" thread.

JacobReesMogadishu · 22/08/2020 11:30

I think the autism is a red herring here.

Sounds like an out of control bunch of kids with ineffectual parenting, kids allowed to run riot and parents who won’t make any attempt to discipline their kids. Sadly I doubt anything you do will change the situation.

SheeshazAZ09 · 22/08/2020 11:48

Yep as others have said, complain to the council about the noise nuisance and anti-social behaviour. Keep a noise/incidents diary for the next two weeks at least and write everything down. I have been in your situation and done what I am recommending, so I do feel for you, but you must take action for your own family's sake. If at any time you feel the council is not responding as it should, then get a solicitor's letter sent to the landlord or house owner saying that you will sue them for allowing a noise nuisance to persist on their property. I used a firm of consultants to help me called Sanctum Consultants--not expensive and were very helpful. But you can do it on your own if you want.

Ablackrussian · 22/08/2020 11:52

But surely shitty neighbours are shitty neighbours, regardless of what 'community' they come from.

I have a drug dealer, three doors down, who constantly gets raided, early hours. The woman opposite me has had her four children taken into care..she's pregnant again. The guy further on down, battered his girlfriend, he has been sentenced. And another family are getting evicted for much of the same stuff you mentioned in your op. The family are horrendous. They are all white. But never once have I thought to myself, "these people are giving the "white" community a bad name. Which is why I struggle when posters put shit like that on here..can someone please explain this double standard to me?

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 22/08/2020 11:55

I also would move. It’s also why I won’t invest too much love in any one house. Nightmare neighbours and you are screwed.

In the short term I would keep a noise diary.

theDudesmummy · 22/08/2020 12:02

The autism excuse is bullshit. I have a non-verbal, severely autistic child. No way would he be allowed to behave like that or make threats to kill someone, any more than any other child.

piscean10 · 22/08/2020 12:14

People like them are just trash. You can tell by your post who they are.
No point in reasoning.
Rather report them, social services, police , council etc..

Emmiess · 22/08/2020 12:28

Ignore the comment about you swearing!

Keep a diary. Record the noise. Make consistent complaints to the council. Make sure they know how this is affecting your children. Maybe even take your kids to the doctors to start a trail of evidence as to how this is affecting your wellbeing. Holidays are supposed to be fun and relaxed. It’s your home. You should not have to move.
Maybe contact the media. Some of the rags love these sorts of stories.Good luck!

Silentplikebath · 22/08/2020 12:32

If they are only there during school holidays could you stay elsewhere at those times so that it’s more peaceful for you?

I’m another one who thinks you should plan to move.

Suzi888 · 22/08/2020 12:35

@Onacleardayyoucansee can you gather support from neighbours and approach the council/police. So it’s not just you complaining.