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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To completely refuse my neighbour’s excuse about autistic child swearing at my children?

113 replies

SpicyEnchiladas · 20/08/2020 23:12

A bit of background about these neighbours. They’re a massive family living together but no one knows who’s who. They come to this property during school holidays only despite living in the same town. Every single bloody time they cause so much noise during the day and night but we suck it up and wait for the school holidays to finish. Now they’ve been here since lockdown and I think we’ve reached the end of our tether.

The screaming is unbelievable! Everyone is shouting. They don’t talk, they shout. I can’t keep count of how many sleepless nights we had because of them. Too many family gatherings giving the middle finger to the lockdown rules. Kids still awake and running at 2 am.

This afternoon my child was playing in the garden then came to me saying the neighbour’s child is telling him to F off and using the middle finger at him! I went out and found that it was three of them not just one. No idea if they’re siblings, cousins .. no idea. They were still using the middle finger. One of them didn’t see me then shouted at my child “I will kill you and kill your mum”. I then told him to call his mum or any adult around so I can speak to them but they obviously ran away and closed their windows.

I went out and knocked on the door and was met with a group of children ranging between 5-12 all laughing and thinking it’s funny. I asked to see an adult then a teen girl came out to say that there’s no one at home. I was extremely polite with her as she looked nice and apologised for what the boy did. I asked if she can ask the parents to knock on my door once they’re back as I would like to discuss what happened and the problem of noise in general. No one came as I expected.

Come 10 o’clock and you’d think it’s Rio de Janeiro’s festival next door! The house is full of family from different households and children swearing, kicking walls, banging each other. I knocked on their door but this time it’s the auntie telling me she’ll let the kids know they’ve been “loud”. I insisted on seeing the parent or at least someone who actually lives here, then the mum of the child came out. No apology or anything. The first thing she said is “ my child is autistic and the school knows about it”. I said to her that autism isn’t an excuse for using foul language and threatening to kill other children. Btw the boy looks around 10 years old. She completely refused to listen to me and then carried on saying that I’m inconsiderate because I don’t understand that he’s got special needs. Her son and other probably 7 children behind her were swearing at the background and laughing out loud. Not a single reaction from the mum or the aunties!

I forgot to say that I was quite angry this afternoon because my 8 year old was really affected and he told me while we were having dinner that he doesn’t want anyone to kill me!

Please tell me what should I do with them now? They’re carrying on with their gathering and terribly loud noise as if nothing has been said just half an hour ago.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 22/08/2020 07:36

I’m intrigued. You mentioned immigration talking to neighbours but getting no further with their investigation. What nationality are they?

Beautiful3 · 22/08/2020 07:37

Honestly, I would move.

Clive222 · 22/08/2020 07:49

You are being unreasonable to complain ‘ no one knows who’s who’. Because that is none of your business, and there is no reason you should know. As to the rest, complain to the council about the noise

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2020 07:51

OP, I would call social services. IF this child genuinely is autistic then he will be known to them

What utter nonsense, autism isn’t grounds for social services involvement why on earth would social services know about every autistic child?

OP your post is absolutely dripping in judgement and thinly veiled distain for this family and their lifestyle. You were polite to the girl that opened the door “because she looked nice”? I’m sorry for the hassles you’re having, it does sound hard going but if you and your neighbours are gossiping about which children belong to which adults etc etc you’re not much better - you’re just more middle class about it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/08/2020 07:52

You mentioned immigration talking to neighbours but getting no further with their investigation. What nationality are they?

I’m going to lay money the OP says they’re Roma or travellers.

IKEA888 · 22/08/2020 07:56

I had the assumption straight away that this is the problem that is seen as cultural differences and sadly thrbpolice or council are unlikely to do anything.
As extreme as this sounds can you move house. It sounds utterly exhausting and infuriating

Sarahandco · 22/08/2020 08:06

As said upstream - don't complain officially of you are considering moving.

Your kids deserve to feel safe in their own garden and not be bullied by the neighbours.

We have no idea if the child is Autistic and the other children are behaving in the same way in any case.

I would make some quiet enquiries about the house and the family. It sounds like an odd setup. If they own the house and this is going to be year after year I think I would move.

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/08/2020 08:24

@Jellycatspyjamas

You mentioned immigration talking to neighbours but getting no further with their investigation. What nationality are they?

I’m going to lay money the OP says they’re Roma or travellers.

My assumption was the same which is why I thought it would be a nice idea to clear this up.
Nottherealslimshady · 22/08/2020 08:29

Council for noise. Social services for the children.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/08/2020 08:31

You swore in your first paragraph. Why do you hold a stressed-out child with special needs to a higher standard than you hold yourself?

OP, please ignore the stupid trolling. Your neighbours are a nightmare and they are shameless to use autism as an excuse for poor parenting.
Flowers

Mynameisrow · 22/08/2020 08:51

Grow a fast growing hedge along your boundary line. It will stop them seeing in and be a slight barrier to the noise

dottiedodah · 22/08/2020 09:28

I would consider moving TBH. No amount of work on the house is worth this amount of trouble! My thoughts go out to you ,but the longer you live there the worse it will become!

Ghostoast · 22/08/2020 09:29

I'm a mum to autistic children and I'm in various support groups for ASD and ADHD, unfortunately there seems to be a trend for certain types of people (your neighbours seem to fit the type) to use the diagnosis to excuse any old rubbish, whether that's bad language, antisocial behaviour or the adults of the family behaving badly due to being stressed out by their child. It's grim.

Notnownotneverever · 22/08/2020 09:30

Because she is talked to adults on an adult forum. Not a child swearing at a younger child.

Gancanny · 22/08/2020 09:41

Put up a higher barrier between your property and theirs to block the view then start saving to move, realistically it's the only viable option.

IF this child genuinely is autistic then he will be known to them

Haha Haha.

No.

Ablackrussian · 22/08/2020 09:47

They’re a massive family living together but no one knows who’s who.

I don't get this bit, op. What business is it of yours who is who?

FlySheMust · 22/08/2020 09:49

Social services.
Council.
Police

Repeat. No one should have to out up with this, OP. Keep reporting.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/08/2020 09:51

No it doesn't excuse it.
Unfortunately you're wasting your time the clearly don't care about the children's behaviour. I cringe at some of these types of parents what chance is the DC getting growing up around bad manners, foul language, learning to be disrespectful.

DdraigGoch · 22/08/2020 09:58

@Ablackrussian

They’re a massive family living together but no one knows who’s who.

I don't get this bit, op. What business is it of yours who is who?

It would be useful to know who the head of the household is so that complaints can be directed to them.
manicinsomniac · 22/08/2020 10:03

If you think there is more than two households in there then you can report them for breaking the rules

Not if they've been there since the beginning of lockdown, she can't. You were allowed to combine households as long as you then stayed there. Which (unfortunately for the OP!!) it sounds like they have.

This sounds hopelessly Pollyanna and probably isn't something I'd actually do but have you tried to get to know the adults? You say you don't know who they all are or how they fit together - could you try some friendly interest and find out a bit about them. It's possible they're hugely defensive because they don't feel accepted and just think 'stuff it'. Maybe they think you're aloof or stuck up.

Alternatively, if they're horrible, I would definitely move. I know how annoying it would be if you've spent time and money on your house but it's better than being miserable every school holiday when you want your children to be feeling free and happy, playing outside etc.

Yellowbutterfly1 · 22/08/2020 10:09

As a parent of a child with severe autism it is insulting for it to be made out that the child’s parent that his behaviour is to do with Autism.

DocOfTheBay · 22/08/2020 10:12

Look up your council’s noise policy.

Report every single time they make noise late at night.

Film and record noise and activity in the garden when it is late at night.

Then when you have a log approach your local Cllr directly.

DaphneduM · 22/08/2020 10:12

I would put up a high fence and then consider moving. There's no engaging with people like this, and as others have said, if you report them to the authorities you'll have to declare it. I feel for you. We experienced similar a few years ago. We have now moved, although that wasn't actually the main reason. We declared it as solicitors letters had been exchanged, but our buyer still went ahead fortunately.

BKCRMP · 22/08/2020 10:16

The threat should not be ignored ASD or not.

Ablackrussian · 22/08/2020 10:19

I’m intrigued. You mentioned immigration talking to neighbours but getting no further with their investigation. What nationality are they?

More likely, the neighbours called immigration and got nowhere.

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