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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that I could have been in danger and that my boss should have taken this more seriously?

110 replies

WhatTheFuckHappenedHere · 20/08/2020 20:00

This is probably going to be very long! This happened this afternoon and I’m quite shaken up and still trying to make sense of it all, so apologies if this appears jumbled.

Part of my job involves taking photos of houses before they go on the market. Today I was asked by my boss to go round to an address to do just that. I have recently resumed doing this part of my job, with PPE. Boss had spoken to the owner, who was expecting me. I went round, knocked on the door, which was opened by an older (ish) man. I introduced myself, the workplace I’m from, and why I’d come round. He appeared quite confused, and said he was expecting someone else from a different kind of company entirely. I could see into the house as we were standing in the porch, and I could see bare floorboards, a sleeping bag in the corner, and rubbish littered about. I was starting a feel a bit uneasy as his reaction was a combination of hostile and confused.

I apologised, said that perhaps there had been a mix up and that I would go back to the car (parked literally dead opposite the house) and call my boss to sort it out. At this point he said ‘no, no need for that’, reached behind me, and LOCKED the outer door, leaving me locked in the porch with him with the door to the house open behind him. I was quite scared to find myself locked in with him, and this obviously came across because he then said ‘it’s ok, I’m not going to hurt you.’

I called my boss, while the man paced up and down the living room. He was right there in the room, and had just locked me in, and was being hostile, so I didn’t feel that I could tell my boss that I didn’t feel comfortable. He spoke to my boss using my phone and eventually begrudgingly agreed that I could do what I came there to do. I whizzed round the downstairs as quickly as I could, taking the worst photos ever, thinking that compliance might put me in less danger and get me out quicker. He followed me round the house silently the whole time, and twice repeated that he wouldn’t hurt me.

I went to leave, praying that he’d unlock the door without a fuss, and he reminded me that I ‘forgot’ to take photos of upstairs. I told him that we already had some from the last time the property was sold, but he insisted and in my now very panicked state I thought it was better to avoid an argument. As we walked up the stairs with him right behind me, he suddenly said ‘I can see why you wouldn’t want to go up the stairs in a strange man’s house though.’ Upstairs I took a few more blurry photos, trying not to turn my back on him at all, he didn’t seem to notice that I wasn’t doing it properly. Upstairs, there was no bathroom suite, just a toilet and a long white marble effect worktop in the bathroom which added to the general bizarreness. I rushed back downstairs and did a fake cheery, ‘ok cheerio then, all done here, boss will email you soon’, all the time my heart was thumping like crazy. Thankfully, he then unlocked the door for me, and then stood and watched me drive off up the road.

I drove back to work and recounted what happened, I was really quite shaken up by it. I wasn’t hurt but it could have worked out so differently. The man clearly knew I was uncomfortable and didn’t stop or apologise. My boss thought it was funny!!! He literally laughed and said ‘yeah I could tell on the phone that you were freaked out.’ That was all that was said about.

AIBU to think that I could have been in danger here and that my boss should have reacted differently, and had a proper contingency plan in place. Apologies that this is so long!

OP posts:
WhatTheFuckHappenedHere · 20/08/2020 21:51

@CherieBabySpliffUp

As you don't work for the estate agents I would be asking your boss to inform them what happened today. The guy at the house might act the same if a female estate agent goes round by herself.
I will absolutely ask that they do this! Good point.
OP posts:
Di11y · 20/08/2020 21:51

At our work we have a colleague name which is a code. So you'd have called and dropped colleagues name into the conversation and they'd have called the police (no way of knowing how serious the situation is).

Can't believe how dangerous that was and how your boss didn't care at all.

yawnsvillex · 20/08/2020 21:51

Was about to say Suzie Lamplugh but I can see PP beat me to it

FluffyRabbitGal · 20/08/2020 21:54

I have nothing helpful to add, however I just wanted to say well done for keeping your cool, in what must have been an absolutely terrifying situation. What a shame your boss is so unhelpful, and clearly doesn’t value your safety.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/08/2020 21:54

Stop blaming OP. You’ve no guarantee that wouldn’t have triggered the guy.

Agree.

It's easy for us to say "Oh - I would have done XYZ" - the you are in that situation isn't nearly as easy - not for most of us, anyway. The self-protection instinct is to not do or say anything that might trigger an attack, while at the same time looking for an escape route.

People talk about the fight or flight reflex - well there's another one that isn't as well known for some reason - and that is "Freeze" - to be as still and unthreatening as possible in order not to trigger a violent reaction. We each have an instinctive preference for one of these responses - and it may vary depending where we are, but we do have a default setting, and have to learn how to over-ride that if necessary. People whose response is to freeze have often been in position of great powerlessness in early life and have learned that this is (or was at one time`) the best way to avoid violence. People whose instinct is to run have usually had the opportunity to do just that when they were threatened, and it was a response that worked so they stick with it. People who fight usually have a lot of confidence and excellent self-worth. The early training you have combines with what you are genetically pre-disposed to do. It's ingrained.

The OP did what her instinct compelled her to do, which was to keep this creepy guy as calm as possible until she got the opportunity to leave. I don't doubt that the bloke got a kick out of it. Like the OP's boss he probably thought it was hilarious that he could frighten and bully someone so much.

It was not the OPs fault

Twirlytwoo · 20/08/2020 22:00

What is your work's lone worker policy? We have one where if we do an initial visit we must always have someone with us. We also have a team diary so everyone knows where we are should we not arrive at the next appointment. Emergency numbers are in place in case no one can get hold of us. We also have a emergency code word so if we are in a situation we can't get out of, we call the head office and ask to speak to Jane Smith (not actual code word but similar) and they will usually contact the police. Your manager was inconsiderate and I would question your policies in place. Never feel afraid to step into somewhere if you do not feel safe. I was always taught to have an exit route with any new homes I visit.

Slimeisevil · 20/08/2020 22:03

I used to be an estate agent (take note of the word ‘used’)

I had an awful, AWFUL experience that I still haven’t recovered from. I handed in my notice (after police enquires etc etc) and my boss’s attitude was disgusting. Said I was exaggerating what had happened.

The annoying thing is, is that I LOVED that job, but that one experience has scared me, probably for life.

I’m sorry this happened to you. He may have had his reasons for locking the door (although in my opinion he shouldn’t have) Your boss on the other hand, should’ve dealt with it differently with a duty of care.

Flowers for you

WaltzingBetty · 20/08/2020 22:04

There's also the case of Stephanie Slater
These things happen and I'm so glad you got out of there OP.

I agree with everything that's been said but also think you need to log this with the police and report it to the estate agency that is marketing the property. They could easily send another female agent around or send clients there if the owner does viewings and they might not have the same outcome.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 20/08/2020 22:10

Never feel afraid NOT to step into somewhere if you do not feel safe. I was always taught to have an exit route with any new homes I visit.

is what I guess Twirlytwoo meant to say!

The more I think about this the more enraged I am on your behalf. You were very brave. I hope you're taking all the advice above in compiling an email to your asshat boss. Honestly, some men don't have the faintest clue what it's like to be a woman in a vulnerable situation and even then, it never seems to occur to them that the bad things that can happen to people do actually happen. They are not remote random risks. They are risks that can be planned for, that people can train to recognise, and learn to protect against and avoid. Attacks on women aren't a joke in any circumstances, so I'd be looking for another boss, tbh, as this one is a blinkered misogynist.

GetUpAgain · 20/08/2020 22:11

Fucking hell OP that sounds horrendously chilling. Well done on staying so calm and getting out of there. Glad you will be challenging your boss - he should be ashamed of running a company so badly.

WhatTheFuckHappenedHere · 20/08/2020 22:11

I’d never heard of Stephanie Slater, thank you.

@Slimeisevil That sounds awful, I’m so sorry Flowers You don’t have to tell us what happened, but I would be interested, purely from a things to watch out for point of view. I’ve had a bit of a wake up call today.

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 20/08/2020 22:13

Your boss should have taken this much more seriously. You should really have a lone worker safely alarm if you're going into properties alone. I used to be an estate agent back in the 90's, everyone I worked with was well aware of the Susie Lamplugh case. We used to have a code word which we could phone through to the office if we felt unsafe, which would raise an alert and another member of staff would immediately drive to the properly. I never had to use it thankfully, but I remember feeling uneasy on more than one occasion.

Jux · 20/08/2020 22:18

Your boss sounds like an irresponsible twat. I hope the EA is more aware. Perhaps, if you're ever expected to take photos for an EA again, you could liaise with them about safer working practices when it comes to it.

lyralalala · 20/08/2020 22:21

He literally laughed and said ‘yeah I could tell on the phone that you were freaked out.’

Does your boss have a boss? If so I'd be passing that up the chain, that's an appalling way to behave when you can tell a staff member is scared.

Russellbrandshair · 20/08/2020 22:26

This is disgusting. Your safety is paramount and your boss should be risk assessing your safety on visits like this. NEVER feel obliged to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.

Two things I’d suggest to help you OP:

  1. Read the book the gift of fear by gavin de becker, excellent advice on staying safe and avoiding violence/ harm. Every woman should read it.
  1. Code word. Your office should have a code word whereby if you ring them and use the phrase “can someone re-schedule mrs Smith for me” (or any other phrase of your choosing) they know instantly you aren’t safe and they need to send help.

Suzy lamplagh case is a stark reminder that this is very serious.

latticechaos · 20/08/2020 22:27

@lyralalala

He literally laughed and said ‘yeah I could tell on the phone that you were freaked out.’

Does your boss have a boss? If so I'd be passing that up the chain, that's an appalling way to behave when you can tell a staff member is scared.

Yes this
Yogamad38 · 20/08/2020 22:27

You are not being unreasonable, your boss should be taking what happened to you seriously. Do you have a lone workers policy? I would put your concerns in writing to your boss and a note on this clients file to visit in pairs.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 20/08/2020 22:28

You need to report this to the police. Seriously. It will be logged, and an officer will call you back to discuss further.

Snozzlemaid · 20/08/2020 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Serin · 20/08/2020 22:39

I work in community health and our work phones have a tracker App enabled. This means we can (and are required) to check in and check out of every house we visit.
It doesn't stop us getting murdered but at least they would know where to start looking for the culprit.
Your boss is an incompetent prat.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/08/2020 22:42

the susie lamplugh trust has lone working toolkits, suggested alarms, etc.
www.suzylamplugh.org/

Appalling behaviour by your manager - report upwards.

WaltzingBetty · 20/08/2020 22:46

@lyralalala

He literally laughed and said ‘yeah I could tell on the phone that you were freaked out.’

Does your boss have a boss? If so I'd be passing that up the chain, that's an appalling way to behave when you can tell a staff member is scared.

I think one of the fundamental differences between men and women is that men don't live with a persistent fear of rape and murder, it's simply not on their radar in the way it has to be on ours.

I just walked home with my house keys through my fingers, a la knuckleduster. Standard practice for me, probably over cautious but I like to be prepared. I don't know a single man who would even think about doing so.

I totally second the book recommendation for the gift of fear - it really is excellent

IrishMamaMia · 20/08/2020 22:54

You poor thing, it's scary even reading about it. Personally I would consider getting signed off with stress until the policy is sorted.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 20/08/2020 22:55

What a nightmare. Your boss is a arsehole and needs to take this seriously.

Good advice here from other women. Please ignore those who say you did the wrong thing. You kept your head and thank god you got out of there safely. There isn't a one-size-fits-all 'best' thing to do when you're in danger. A man can easily overpower a woman. Screaming and fighting might have triggered him, telling him to let you out might have triggered him.

My advice is to always risk embarrassment rather than risk your life -- if anything seems wrong to you, just walk away fast while you can.

But as so many others are saying, every lone worker needs to have effective safety procedures, code words etc, rigorously carried out in every case.

IrishMamaMia · 20/08/2020 22:56

And yes what @Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly said.