To be annoyed with DP

[Nemma96]

About 4 weeks ago I got into a routine with DP doing alternative days bathing our LB due to an argument about him never doing anything for our LB. This gave me 7 minutes a day to myaelf as this is how long it takes him to bath our LB

So the last week I've bathed him for 6 days because DP was trying to get into a sleeping pattern but kept falling sleep in the day and waking after bath time. So tonight he's bathed our LB then brought him into me and said "oh I've not done his buttons up and my backs fucking killing me now".

I'm really pissed off as he hasnt bathed him in a week and not done anything at all with him but then moans about his back and does a half hearted job of even getting him ready.

7 minutes to myself I dont think is a lot to ask for. Getting so annoyed being basically a single parent and him moaning when he does so very little...

My exh rarely came any where with us either. I have so many photos of days out and little holidays with the kids. He was hardly ever there.

The good thing in all this, is that you and your baby are young. It will be OK, and things will get better when you leave him.

The house sounds great, and you can leave him in the flat with his precious games he loves so much.

Off the bat, people can change, but they have to want to change themselves. It doesn't sound as though the wants to, and as you've said the relationship has ended, you don't need him to either.

I'm a man, and this sort of behaviour from other "men" really annoys me!

Can't do the dishes well enough? - you know what a dirty dish looks like, and what a clean dish looks like... turn one into the other, so that you'd be happy eating something off it.

I'd honestly start just washing the things you and your son use, then leaving his stuff in a pile - if he's not going to do any washing up, why should you do his?

Can't stay awake during the day? - stop the gaming (you're 27?!) and staying up watching YouTube.

If I didn't have a job I'd be spending all my time with my son - has he had a job before? How did he manage his tiredness, if he did have one? If he can manage it for a job, why can't he manage it for his family?

Depression does affect people differently, but his sounds like an excuse. In fact I don't think he really has depression, I think he is depressed. But being up all night doing nothing of any worth, and sleeping the days away is really not good for anyone. Does he get any sunlight or exercise?

These are questions you should ask about a teenage boy, not a 27 year old "man". I think it's all moot anyway, as it sounds like you've made your mind up about it all!

My advice (apart from only doing your dishes from now on, at least until you move out!) just enjoy your son l, and stop even bothering with your "partner".

He's not bothering with you, or your son, and has decided that his nocturnal activities are more important than his family activities.

Good luck.

(p.s. How does he bathe him 7 minutes?! Do you undress him, run the bath, then literally just hand him over for the actual wash? It takes me that long just to run the bath!)

Sorry op but he is a boy in a mans body.
Plenty of people have MH issues that they suffer with but work and be as productive as they can with anyway. It's not an excuse.

If becoming a father isn't enough to light a fire up his arse - nothing ever will be

@Nemma96

He doesnt work as he says hes too depressed to work. Before we had our LB we use to do things together and he said all the right things before he was born. Even at the birth he was very supportive but as soon as he was born everything changed tbh.

He says he cant do the dishes properly so he might aswell leave them for me. He did say he would wash and put bottles in the steriliser to make things easier on me but I'm still waiting for this to happen.

I just wish he would want to do things to help and to spend time with our LB but I dont see this happening

Oh for goodness sake!

He isn't going to change-ever!

He's lazy and shiftless and workshy.

How long are you prepared to put up with this?

He's not a cocklodger. They have a redeeming feature. He's a lazy bastard.

Your DS won't just know that his father loves him. I have to tell mine that my father loves him because DS has commented that he never plays with him.

He actually said daddy was going to play with his friends?!?! What on Earth is it you can love about this man? He's lazy and selfish and has no plans to change. My ex husband was very similar. He was also an alcoholic and left me in thousands of kinds of debt.

Is your name on the tenancy? Can you afford the house by yourself? Have you spoken to family or friends about how bad things are?

@LeopardsCANTChangeTheirSpots I know he has to want to change and I'm hoping if I move he will find it in himself to change and realise what he's got.

I just gave up about the dishes, ive left them for him before and they was there for days and I couldn't cope so just raugher do it myself.

Well he was getting in a sleeping pattern and woke up yesterday at 5am, watched YouTube, played with his friends all day and night then didn't come to be until 6 this morning so think hes not bothered about getting into a sleeping pattern anymore.

He has had a job before but he was signed off sick over a year ago and then went onto benefits and thats how its stayed. He never use to be like this, he use to be awake during the day and we actually did stuff but towards the end off my pregnancy thats when everything changed and he started staying awake all night and gaming more.

I honestly think he is depressed but sort of brought it in himself by not doing anything and just sitting doing nothing all day. He doesnt get any exercise at all, he sits on his arse all day with no motivation, i have to run him a bath and tell him to get in otherwise he would not bath for weeks on end. He got some sun the other day and we went for a long walk when we went to the park but other then that he doesnt even go outside to take the bin out.

I am enjoying the time I have with my son and try do as much as we can during this time, i just wanted to have some good family memories which I think most people want.

Yes it takes him 7 minute to bath him, i take him in the bathroom with nothing on once the bath is ready, then he washes him, gets him creamed and dressed then brings him straight back to me. When I bath him I let him play as hes starting to enjoy playing in the bath now but when i said this he said "a bath is for getting clean l, he can play when he comes back to you"

@Notcoolmum yep he actually said this as if our son was happy with him to do it. He never use to be like this, hes just changed so much now and its hard to believe this is the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Yes the flat is in my name only, but I can afford the house on my own and just leave the flat to him.
I dint speak with many people about his behaviours as I feel so embarrassed to tell some people, I have spoke to a friend about this and she spoke with him about setting up a chores list and doing things equally, when she was here he agreed and appeared to think this was a good idea but never went through with it. My friend said I can go and stay with her until I get the house if I need but there's not really space for me to do this, she thinks he will realise once I move and start to make changes but she does want me to move on my own.

How is the flat paid for? If the tenancy or mortgage is in your name only you will be liable for the repayments when you don't live there.

He won't change. He's showing you who he really is now. It's not your job to fix him. It's your job to provide your child with the best life you can. You can't do that and stay with this ridiculous man child.

You need to serve notice on the tenancy and see if they will switch him to being lead tenant.

He isn't your responsibility, he probably needs to move to a house share if that is all his benefits will cover.

[quote Nemma96]@Notcoolmum yep he actually said this as if our son was happy with him to do it. He never use to be like this, hes just changed so much now and its hard to believe this is the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Yes the flat is in my name only, but I can afford the house on my own and just leave the flat to him.
I dint speak with many people about his behaviours as I feel so embarrassed to tell some people, I have spoke to a friend about this and she spoke with him about setting up a chores list and doing things equally, when she was here he agreed and appeared to think this was a good idea but never went through with it. My friend said I can go and stay with her until I get the house if I need but there's not really space for me to do this, she thinks he will realise once I move and start to make changes but she does want me to move on my own.[/quote]
He has had a job before but he was signed off sick over a year ago and then went onto benefits and thats how its stayed. He never use to be like this, he use to be awake during the day and we actually did stuff but towards the end off my pregnancy thats when everything changed and he started staying awake all night and gaming more.

Get your name taken off the tenancy when you leave the flat. Don't pay a penny towards the flat after you've gone.

And having read everything you've posted it looks like there's some abusive behaviour coming into play from him, too. Feeling like you can't ask him to leave because he could get angry is an indicator here.

And the fact that his behaviour changed towards the end of your pregnancy is another indicator. It's well known that abusers will show their true colours when they feel they have their victim trapped, and pregnancy is a known trigger time for this. He thinks he's got you tied down and so isn't bothered about keeping up the appearance of pretending to care anymore.

Keep a grip on that friend of yours. I would suspect that after you leave this waste of space, she'll be more open about why she wants you to move out without him. She'll have seen things that worry her.

I had the same from friends and family after I left my abusive ex. I sometimes wish they'd spoken earlier about incidents I'd been unaware of, things that ex did with the DC. I might have been able to get my head around leaving sooner. I understand why they didn't, though, treading the fine line between supporting me and possibly pushing me back to ex if they criticised him too much.

Hope you get a house soon. That feeling of being in your own space that he can't spoil is amazing.

He won't change. Leave him and make an amazing life for you and your kiddo.

Get him out, stay in the flat till you're all sorted and then move if you want to.

But please, don't cook, clean, wash or do anything else for him. Just look after you and your baby.

Ime he isn't depressed.. He just isn't interested in being a grown up..

He's a lazy prick. Get rid. I'd rather do it on my own than have to live in a house with such a loser. It would frustrate me even more having to be around him seeing how bone idle he was.

What a dick.

Kick him out. How you’ve put up with this for so long I have no idea.

Immature, lazy, self absorbed, cock lodging twat!

He's a complete wankbadger.

Your plan sounds good. I hope the house is perfect - or close enough! (My mum had an EA once who said she should list the 10 most important things she wanted in a house and if a place scored more than 7 then it should be seriously considered. She said it was one of the most useful pieces of advice she's ever had, and applied it to many decisions.)

Serve notice to the landlord. Do not keep the flat in your name.

He never use to be like this, he use to be awake during the day This is the lowest of the lowest standardS for a partner Ive ever seen on mumsnet. Awake. He used to be a better partner because he was awake. You need some form of counselling after you move out. He has really screwed over your boundaries.

OP, he hasn't changed.

He was pretending to be a decent human, until he had you hooked and, to his mind, trapped with a baby.

This is not a 'family unit', and your child will not be losing anything. At the moment, your child has a single parent with a parasite attached. Lose the parasite.