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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DP

120 replies

Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 19:45

About 4 weeks ago I got into a routine with DP doing alternative days bathing our LB due to an argument about him never doing anything for our LB. This gave me 7 minutes a day to myaelf as this is how long it takes him to bath our LB

So the last week I've bathed him for 6 days because DP was trying to get into a sleeping pattern but kept falling sleep in the day and waking after bath time. So tonight he's bathed our LB then brought him into me and said "oh I've not done his buttons up and my backs fucking killing me now".

I'm really pissed off as he hasnt bathed him in a week and not done anything at all with him but then moans about his back and does a half hearted job of even getting him ready.

7 minutes to myself I dont think is a lot to ask for. Getting so annoyed being basically a single parent and him moaning when he does so very little...

OP posts:
tazzy73 · 20/08/2020 22:18

Hi @Nemma96,

My heart is going out to you on reading your updates. He is not a partner to you in any way. He's a manchild, nothing more. He can't spend 7 whole minutes with his child.

Ask yourself what does he bring to your relationship? Other than you feeling stressed.

If you did a list of pros and cons about your life now, what list would be longer. You are planning to go back to work and what does he intend doing? Sitting on his arse, gaming.

It's no life for you or the child you are raising because down the line that little boy will not know how to wash dishes or do anything to help you because that's what he will see and learn.

You are not his mother to make doctors appointments for him and then he cancels. I think he lets you make these as they give you some sort of false hope that he wants to change and then he cancels as he can't be bothered.

You have your whole life for you with your little boy, treasure it.
Try look at your relationship from another perspective. If you seen this happening to a friend or family member what would you say?
I think you would be better off without him as I don't think he will change.

TokyoSushi · 20/08/2020 22:21

So he's lazy and nocturnal? Does he have any good points?

Winterwoollies · 20/08/2020 22:22

He won’t work (I don’t believe he ‘can’t’), he chooses to stay up all night gaming, he claims his back hurts so he can’t even wash up, you cannot trust him to care for the baby because he gets angry if he’s upset (this is very worrying) and so you do literally all of the things for everyone. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of such a pathetic individual.

Please don’t hang on to the dream of a family unit with this waste of skin, your baby will not benefit from that. Make a life on your own and shoe then how strong you are and teach them the resilience and independence you have.

Dullardmullard · 20/08/2020 22:22

Leave the waste of space and do it soon. He’s a cocklodger

mrsbyers · 20/08/2020 22:23

What a lazy twat he is , if he’s depressed he needs to do something about it same with his back and the lack of sleep - happy to sit around playing games til late like some sort of overgrown toddler while someone else picks up the bill for his existence - aim higher and stop being a doormat

mrsbyers · 20/08/2020 22:23

Is he smoking weed ?

Iris27 · 20/08/2020 22:24

Urgh he sounds like an awful human being.

SchrodingersUnicorn · 20/08/2020 22:25

So:

  • he doesn't work
  • he doesn't do anything round the house
  • he doesn't look after his own child. 7 minutes is a stretch
  • you are planning to pay for childcare when you go back to work rather than he looks after his own son
  • he needs 7 days warning to go to the park because he's up gaming all night and sleeps all day
  • he may or may not have a health condition but won't get help for it anyway
Can you see how bad this is?
latheritup · 20/08/2020 22:27

How old is he?

SchrodingersUnicorn · 20/08/2020 22:27

Oh and anger problems. I missed one.
Seriously OP, you're doing this on your own anyway and you've got this. It sounds like all he is is a drain on time, energy and electricity/food bills.

StatementKnickers · 20/08/2020 22:27

Voted YABU because it is not reasonable to tolerate this adolescent, selfish behaviour. Get him gone.

mrbob · 20/08/2020 22:30

You want that family unit. This isn’t it. This is him taking the piss and you allowing him to. Leave him now

corythatwas · 20/08/2020 22:33

I am going back to work after my year is up, so that will be in February but I'm planning on putting him in nursery when I got back.

are you talking about your dp here? he certainly sounds like a big baby

Original poster
Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 22:36

Just going to reply to as many as I can in 1.

No he doesnt smoke weed, use to years ago but stopped just after we met.

Hes 27 and I'm 23.

When we first met he was completely different, we have had a lot of problems over the years but got through them.

I've been thinking off leaving him bit have been finding this hard, im currently looking for a house a think this might be the easiest way to leave him by not moving him in with me.

I do think he suffers from depression but he doesnt do anything to help him self, ive set up therapy for him which he just turned up once to, i even go to the GP with him.

I've told him loads of times that our son is going ro grow up thinking he loves gaming more then him but he says I'm stupid and that his son knows who he is and knows he loves him. (Our son smiles at everyone but he think he does this just for him)

I just wished he would changed and we could be a family for our son and for us.

OP posts:
fascinated · 20/08/2020 22:36

@Feminist10101

but I dont know how to get him to do more. He dont know anything about our LB as I just do everything. Giving a bath is not too much to ask i dont think as I do all day and nights.

How can I get him to do more for our LB.

Book hotel for evening. Get up in morning, leave (alone). Go to hotel. Have lovely evening/night. Spend day exploring. Go home in the evening.

36 hours of sole care ought to do it.

I wouldn’t trust this man to keep a baby safe
MadameMeursault · 20/08/2020 22:37

OP it is so sad that you want the family unit you never had so much that you are trying to make things work with this man. You are worth so much more than this. You can make a family unit, but not with him. He will just drag you down and make you stressed. You really would be better on your own temporarily then looking for someone else, who you’ll find. Please don’t settle for this. Your life could be so much better Flowers

Original poster
Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 22:37

Also he said hes never been able to do the dishes properly, hos mums boyfriend use to beat him up when he did the dishes because they was never done properly.

He does tidy up sometimes when I go out after an arguement and i tell him to leave. Thats how the cot finally got put together.

OP posts:
Issantagettingbusy · 20/08/2020 22:38

Ime men who hide behind gaming and claim depression are just twats.
My exh..
Ex...

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 22:46

Sleep issues are a clear sign of depression however fuck that. If his pattern is all over the place don't try to get him into a routine, he's not the baby. Whatever time he gets up at tell him what the babies schedule is. Then fuck off for an hour or two. Do what you want. If your scared the baby will die or something in his care you know you have to ditch him. It's not the 1950s. Goodluck!

Original poster
Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 22:49

@Imworthit I would happily let hom sleep until he wakes and then tell him babies schedule but by the time he wakes if I leave him then the baby is already about to go to bed. If i leave him he wouldn't get up until about 8pm

OP posts:
Nat3kids · 20/08/2020 22:50

It sounds like he really does need therapy but for you and your son’s sake it might well be better if you live separately while he tries to sort himself out (if he is willing to do this). Your baby needs to be your priority now and having someone so unreliable in your life is going to drain up so much energy.

RandomMess · 20/08/2020 22:52

He doesn't want to get better. He has done nothing to help himself at all which isn't ok.

Send him back home to mummy.

mummydinosaurRawr · 20/08/2020 22:56

This man will be a constant drain on your energy and resources.

Yes, it might be depression, and he might have had a hard time before, but he will drag you down with him unless you put an end to it.

It sound like you already want to separate. What are your living arrangements? Can you ask him to leave? Or if you leave, would you have somewhere to go?

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 22:56

My ex claimed he had started treating me like shit because of depression. I played ball, very skeptically. His mum died a year before and he had lost his job, so reasons. I got him sick lines, antidepressants and councilling. He took the sicklines got the money to game and smoke weed. Refused the antidepressants and councilling so I walked away with the clearest conscious. Found out he had gotten a restraining order from his ex for harassment and had to tell every job for 6 years (that doesn't happen if its just a fallout) Bullet dodged! Woohoo

Enderman · 20/08/2020 22:59

You don’t have a family unit.