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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DP

120 replies

Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 19:45

About 4 weeks ago I got into a routine with DP doing alternative days bathing our LB due to an argument about him never doing anything for our LB. This gave me 7 minutes a day to myaelf as this is how long it takes him to bath our LB

So the last week I've bathed him for 6 days because DP was trying to get into a sleeping pattern but kept falling sleep in the day and waking after bath time. So tonight he's bathed our LB then brought him into me and said "oh I've not done his buttons up and my backs fucking killing me now".

I'm really pissed off as he hasnt bathed him in a week and not done anything at all with him but then moans about his back and does a half hearted job of even getting him ready.

7 minutes to myself I dont think is a lot to ask for. Getting so annoyed being basically a single parent and him moaning when he does so very little...

OP posts:
Imworthit · 20/08/2020 23:06

[quote Nemma96]@Imworthit I would happily let hom sleep until he wakes and then tell him babies schedule but by the time he wakes if I leave him then the baby is already about to go to bed. If i leave him he wouldn't get up until about 8pm[/quote]
He's avoiding you and baby then. Better rid love he's bringing nothing to your life

Original poster
Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 23:08

Unfortunately there's nowhere for me and my son to go, im not in contact with my mum and my dad passed away when I was younger. I also can't send him to his mums or dads due to abuse. I know he might not be the best but he doesnt deserve the abuse he grew up with.

I have a house viewing next week so hopefully I can move there and just tell him to stay in the flat and if he improves him self and helps himself then maybe we can go from there?

I know its stupid but I do love him and he has got me through a lot and gave me such a bueatiful boy. I just hope he tries and realises what we mean to him if i leave him on his own

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 20/08/2020 23:13

He isn’t depressed ffs

He’s taking the fucking piss big time

If depressed he’d go get it sorted because of his family
As for the dishes he’s now out of that dynamic and should be washing up. Even badly which I think is another excuse.
He’d also be looking for a job any job to provide for his family not gaming all night and sleeping all day.

It’s all excuses
Plus why do you not go to the park alone.
I’ve been there in the past and it’s an excuse after excuse.

You are a unit you and your son.

Don’t be back here 10 years later and another kid in tow resenting the fukker. Because you will.

If you leave watch him ramp up the affection and then he’ll revert back to being a cocklodger don’t fall for it.

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 23:14

Don't leave the flat (unless you hate it). Kick him out... He'll get a council house, cause homeless......... Your secretly afraid of him arnt you op? I let my different ex have the house seemed easier and kinder. Was lying to myself. I was petrified. Think about this. If true call women's aid and a lawyer before you discuss it.

mummydinosaurRawr · 20/08/2020 23:16

I have a house viewing next week so hopefully I can move there and just tell him to stay in the flat

That sounds like a good plan. Best of luck.

DowntonCrabby · 20/08/2020 23:17

He gets angry at the baby and you don’t trust him to do one overnight stay, let alone any care when you go back to work.

You need to leave him OP, he has ZERO redeeming features.

Original poster
Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 23:23

I did go to the park alone, I just wanted to do something together and it took him 7 days to actually come to the park with us. I went to the park three times in that period as my son seemed to enjoy it so I went when the weather was nice and took some lunch with us, i wouldnt not take my son somewhere just because he wouldnt come with us.

Tbh I am slightly scared but only when I tell him to leave because thats when he gets angry and last time I told him to leave i thought be might hit me(but he didnt), I really dont mind leaving him in the flat though because its only one bedroom and not got alot of space. I've been looking for a house for a few months now so I would prefer to move and him stay in the flat.

OP posts:
Imworthit · 20/08/2020 23:25

Baby will get shaken baby syndrome if you leave them with him. You know that's what that little voice in your head says. Never had a child with him cause of this. Missed the danger for me and dog. Dogs dead, would have been me eventually .

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 23:32

It was years before he ever hit me. But the fears starting, isn't it? When you start thinking oh but he didn't hit me your already well into the emotional abuse.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 20/08/2020 23:34

Oh god, just leave. I hardly ever tell people to LTB on MN, but this man is just wasting your time and spirit. And he's not depressed. Depression doesn't make people unapologetically lazy. Or make you feel they might hit you. Move on. And think carefully about allowing overnight access to a man who can't even be bothered to button a babygro.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/08/2020 23:36

I really hope you can get out. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Original poster
Nemma96 · 20/08/2020 23:39

@Imworthit yes this has gone through my head before, especially when he was a little baby, had colic and would cry for hours on end. I know deep down that this relationship has come to an end and I need to leave. I guess it is going to be hard but I cant live like this forever. I just hoped he would get help and stick to his promises

OP posts:
Imworthit · 20/08/2020 23:41

Very tiny quiet alarm bells are ringing every time you defend him arnt they? Maybe your not me but if you identify run!

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 23:42

Wrote that before I read your reply.

Yellowcakestand · 20/08/2020 23:44

Trust me, leaving this kind of relationship quickly turns into relief!

No more eggshells to walk on, trying to keep the baby quiet so your partner doesn't kick off, worrying about what his mood is going to be like, financially carrying him, picking up after him.

That's not a life!
Go and enjoy your son!!
This idiot will only get worse. Stop trying to mother him. He won't change.
Good luck.

HeartGirls · 20/08/2020 23:48

Manchild if ever there was one!

Seriously you're a single parent with two kids to cook and clean for. Long term this will really wear you down. It's hard to break a family unit but this man is never going to change

JulesCobb · 20/08/2020 23:49

If you are concerned he will hurt your baby, you absolutely need to leave him.

But Ill guarantee this useless lazy sack of shit will not do any parenting.

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 23:49

Leave today! Now. Go to a women's centre. They will help you sort a house.

My brother is a mental health nurse. The day I realised I needed out I was worried about housing, my stuff, my job, everything, him even still. Brother gave me this advice 'burn all your stuff to the ground.it's not worth your sanity' (obviously not literal) He was right I moved out that day but spent to much time trying to save my crap. Make sure he was fine. Sort my job.... Got stress induced amnesia.

greyinganddecaying · 20/08/2020 23:53

OP - I have major back issues and find washing dishes quite painful. But what I do is other jobs to compensate - I cook, meal plan, organise the shopping, tidy up etc. So if he's not doing dishes, he should be doing other things instead.

I also struggle to sleep at night (sadly drugs don't work for me). But in the morning I make myself get up, do a days work, spend some time with the kids, then go to bed early (and I do sleep then as I'm exhausted). If he's deliberately staying up to game all night, he doesn't care about the impact this has on you and your child.

None of his excuses are good enough. He's a man child with no sense of responsibility or how to be a dad.

combatbarbie · 21/08/2020 00:01

This is so sad but I am glad you have seen it for what it really is!! You and your son deserve so much better.

Original poster
Nemma96 · 21/08/2020 00:08

I dont feel there's need to leave right this minute, he thinks everything is fine because I've given up arguing with him, i still make little comments, like early i said "are you gonna come place with your son he wants to play" he said "no mummy is going to play with him and I'm going to go play with my friends" and I just left him to it.

I also have back pains but I juat carry on, washing up doesn't bother me anymore because I just wash the bottles then wash the pots straight after so it all done, i do this while he baths our son. But for the last week I've just been doing it when I get a chance, my son is abit of a lively one at the minute and needs a lot off attention so the pots are the last thing in my list.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/08/2020 00:10

stop trying to make him into prince charming its not going to happen-he gave u sperm thats it hes done nothing for you and your baby

move to this house and leave him behind

Imworthit · 21/08/2020 00:28

The reason you don't feel like you need to leave right this minute is because you have become desensitised to bad treatment. When you leave, get councilling and build up your self esteem. You won't tolerate this shit for one second. I promise you. The only reason I have a wonderful partner now isnt blind luck. It's because I cut off anyone who doesn't build me up, grow me, inspire me, treat me right. Sounds harsh but....@ I'm worth it

Pegase · 21/08/2020 03:26

@Dullardmullard

He isn’t depressed ffs

He’s taking the fucking piss big time

If depressed he’d go get it sorted because of his family
As for the dishes he’s now out of that dynamic and should be washing up. Even badly which I think is another excuse.
He’d also be looking for a job any job to provide for his family not gaming all night and sleeping all day.

It’s all excuses
Plus why do you not go to the park alone.
I’ve been there in the past and it’s an excuse after excuse.

You are a unit you and your son.

Don’t be back here 10 years later and another kid in tow resenting the fukker. Because you will.

If you leave watch him ramp up the affection and then he’ll revert back to being a cocklodger don’t fall for it.

This makes me really sad. People with true clinical depression can't necessarily just 'get it sorted for the family'. If you are in a dark place with the associated neurological changes that occur with depression that may not be possible. He seems to have some history of suffering physical abuse as well.

Note I still think you should leave him OP because as a previous poster said- he will drag you, and your child with him. But he is showing clear signs of a mental health disorder. Avoiding responsibility, avoiding going out, not sleeping, anger and compulsive /addictive behaviour are all textbook signs of depression in men. Unfortunately.

I hope for his sake he gets treatment but OP you can't risk your child in the meantime.

Ohtherewearethen · 21/08/2020 03:32

He's taking the piss and he knows it. I bet he has a good laugh with all his mates about how little he's got you to believe is acceptable for him to do. How his life has barely changed since having a baby. How you do everything and be doesn't have to lift a finger. Too 'depressed' to work, my arse. All he's got is a severe case of lazy fuckery. He sounds as thick as shit and about as useless. But then I thought, he can't be that stupid if he's managed to get you to believe that he can't wash up dishes or play with his son and that this is somehow acceptable. I honestly don't think he will change. You haven't changed him. Having your son hasn't changed him. So what will? After you leave him he'll have another young girl in that flat within a couple of months doing for him what you do now. He'll see your son for a couple of hours every other weekend and he'll give you £3 a week out if his benefits. But at least you can get on with your life without this fucking idiot. He is the walking definition of 'loser'.