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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldnt keep having children until you get the sex you want?

84 replies

Whatthecluck · 20/08/2020 12:25

So this is none of my business but i was just on fb and came across a story where a couple had 7 boys before they managed to have a girl. Obviously i dont know the backstory and this couple may have intended to have a large family regardless of the sex of the first 7 children. But i know several couples who have had 3-4 of the same sex and carried on until they got what they wanted (usually girls).
In my opinion if they'd had what they wanted in the first place they wouldn't have kept going which feels wrong to me, when i got older i wouldn't want to know i was only born because my parents were trying to have the sex they wanted.

YANBU- You agree people shouldn't keep having children until they get what they want.
YABU- People should have as many children as they like until they get what they want.

OP posts:

Jux · 20/08/2020 14:02

It's the sort of thing people say, but they rarely actually mean it. It just shuts others up.

GroupSects · 20/08/2020 14:02

@lborgia. Yes! That’s what happened. The older ones went to live with their father. The others (different father) went into care.

SorrelBlackbeak · 20/08/2020 14:04

I had a friend at primary school who was boy #9 of 12. He said his mum eventually gave up on the idea of having a girl.

BiBabbles · 20/08/2020 14:04

I somehow missed the 'keep' when I clicked on the thread, and thought this would be about not having kid with someone until you get great sex...

That confusion aside, I know far more families that have people assume that (either multiple kids of one sex or a few of one sex and then one of the other) than people who purposefully did so, but I do know some who did - mainly wanting boys - and it's rough.

Also, so often when that kind of wanting of one sex (rather than just a 'wouldn't it be nice' preference), they have very specific ideas of how someone of each sex should be and what they should do for the parents. Both my brother and I failed that test young and it was horrible growing up both growing up being the wrong sex and being wrong at being my own sex.

Maizeyflowers · 20/08/2020 14:09

It's mad isn't it. I've got one of each. So I was lucky. But if my second had been another girl the situation would still be the same in terms of space money and time. It's wrong to keep trying if the boys are disappointments. I don't want anymore. If I had one more I'd hope for another boy. But would be perfectly happy either way. It just will surely make the boys feel unwanted.

They are all children. The only difference is girls can be dressed up more?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 20/08/2020 14:11

If they were having abortions upon finding it’s the ‘wrong’ sex I’d agree with you. But they’re keeping and presumably raising their children as well as they would have if they were the sex they want. Me and my dp only planned to have two, they were the same sex we decided to try again and got lucky the 3rd time. We defo wouldn’t have gone over 3 tho either way

LunchBoxPolice · 20/08/2020 14:13

A friend has just found out her 3rd child will be her 3rd boy. She has openly said on her Facebook that she is disappointed and will need to “try again”. It’s sad that she can’t be happy about having another healthy child, she is incredibly lucky.

Sarahandco · 20/08/2020 14:15

I think you might want to reword the title

unmarkedbythat · 20/08/2020 14:21

Everyone thinks we have three children because we were "trying for a girl" after ds1 and ds2. And they all assume we were disappointed because ds3 was not a girl. It pisses me off. More than a few people have asked will we have fourth to "get a girl" and been surprised at the anger with which I have answered them. A baby is a baby, a blessing, a joy, and an exhausting, costly, maddening, overwhelming lifelong commitment not an accessory. Boy or girl, they deserve to be loved for themselves and not their sex. I feel sad for children who will know that they were born solely because their parents were trying to have one of the other sex.

NcFortuna · 20/08/2020 14:28

I remember my mum’s friend sitting at our table and saying she never wanted a girl. My mum was shocked as her daughter was sitting right there. The friend said “Oh it’s alright. She knows. I’ve told her”. The poor girl sitting there was only about 8 or 9.

As a teenager she became psychotic and has been institutionalised a number of times. I’m not surprised with such a shit start in life. 🙁

Hobnobswantshernameback · 20/08/2020 14:29

I have three of one sex and then one of the other
I can assure you I didn't keep going just to get that sex
To be honest I get utterly sick of the " ah so you got a *** in the end then"
I wanted four children and had four children
Couldn't have given less of a toss whether male or female
And some of the "ah never mind " comments when I had a third dc of the same sec made me

WendyHoused · 20/08/2020 14:29

It was the older generation that frequently asked if I'd try again for a girl. "Which of my beautiful sons would you like me to hand back?"

Dontcarewhatmyusernameis · 20/08/2020 14:31

Yeah and I think as a few posters have said, it’s mega annoying when people make assumptions - like if you have two boys and people think you’re trying for a girl when you have a third. Then you feel like you have to explain yourself to every random person that comes along that actually you’re happy with three boys or whatever! It must get old.
We have a girl and a boy and loads of people have told us we have the perfect family which I find really weird. We’re having a third and in a way I’m glad we’ve one of each so people don’t think we’re desperately trying for the other sex.
I know a family of three girls and the youngest is a boy. It was openly said among them all that the parents wanted the third girl to be a boy but unfortunately she wasn’t so they went on to have the boy. It must not feel great to grow up feeling like a spare girl (or boy) unless your family compensates by being really loving and close.

GarlicMonkey · 20/08/2020 14:33

My ex husband was the youngest sibling & the longed for boy after 4 girls. He was put on a pedestal so high that it absolutely ruined him. Awful, entitled, arrogant, selfish man & I'm sure it's due to him being brought up the way he was.

Highlights12 · 20/08/2020 14:40

I've got 2 boys and happy with that, what annoys me is when people say I'm lucky I got one of each. Does that mean I'm unlucky.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/08/2020 14:45

I remember a friend at school was one of three girls. She told me that, when her younger sister was born, her dad wouldn't speak to her mother for a month. Like it was HER FAULT!

He seemed to get over the disappointment eventually, and was very fond of all his daughters, but imagine being that poor woman...

MitziK · 20/08/2020 14:56

Depends - mine was decidedly unimpressed at having a girl after 3 boys. Was incredibly negative about having 7 granddaughters, but adored the single grandson. If she'd have had access to sex selective procedures, she'd have taken it, apparently. She justified her support for sex selective abortion by saying that until the fifties, if you got one in the 'wrong' sex, you'd give it to a relative or send it to Barnado's and try again, so 'aborting wasn't as bad' as that.

And somebody who had been a friend until the point of our conversation, informed me that she'd changed her mind about fertility treatment because the consultant wouldn't transfer only male embryos. She just didn't want a girl, didn't care if a second son was effeminate or gay at all (just as well, really, as her son came out when he was 13), but to actually have a female child was such a horrible idea to her, she decided she'd rather not continue at all.

It normally seems to me that it's seen as more important to have a son for more of the people who have such strong views.

startrek90 · 20/08/2020 14:57

I've had these comments as I am expecting no. 3 any day now. This one happens to be a girl and I already have 2 boys and it pisses me off no end. I had a miscarriage in between this pregnancy and my son and so I am just grateful I am having a baby. I had already decided that had this baby been another boy I would not say anything about what a shame it was. I had this with ds2 and it made me so mad

I would just say never assume that's what's happened on a family. We had 3 children because we wanted to. Like a pp said if you were truly that determined surely you would do sex selective ivf or even abortion? Having and raising a child is a huge commitment in comparison

Devlesko · 20/08/2020 14:59

YABU, it's up to them how many kids they have.
Absolutely none of your concern at all.

startrek90 · 20/08/2020 15:00

Should clarify I didn't want to say dc3 sex as I didn't want people saying what a shame it was... Sorry need to Re read properly

haudyerwheeshthen · 20/08/2020 15:03

Ron Weasley

SadSack39 · 20/08/2020 15:08

Im having my third boy and noticing people seem to want to console me after i tell them it's another boy... its so bloody shocking.. im actually over the moon to be having a third boy.. people's presumptions can be so wrong

Alcoholabuse · 20/08/2020 15:09

I met someone once who was the youngest of 9.

She had 8 older brothers and she said her mum was trying for a girl.

Funny enough she was a tomboy and not girly in the slightest (she said growing up with 8 brothers she was hardly going to be running around in a tutu when everyone else was climbing trees in their jeans).

I did feel bad as they were all cramped into a four bed council house, no money and barely any attention from their mum.

My nan said she was going for her third as she wanted a girl. She said as soon as my uncle was passed to her all those thoughts went away and then never understood why people wanted different genders as it's easier having the same.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/08/2020 15:16

I have three boys and one girl. When I tell people they usually say "Aah you got your girl in the end"! I quickly say my daughter is my second eldest, and I have two younger boys.

WoodenFox · 20/08/2020 15:30

I was in school with a girl who was the eldest of 8 girls. Parents were desperate for a boy. They pretty much neglected the girls, making the older 2 look after the little ones. Eldest fell pregnant as soon as she left school. Had a boy. Her parents tried to take the baby off her, saying she was an unfit mother. They never got the baby nor had a son of their own.

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