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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldnt keep having children until you get the sex you want?

84 replies

Whatthecluck · 20/08/2020 12:25

So this is none of my business but i was just on fb and came across a story where a couple had 7 boys before they managed to have a girl. Obviously i dont know the backstory and this couple may have intended to have a large family regardless of the sex of the first 7 children. But i know several couples who have had 3-4 of the same sex and carried on until they got what they wanted (usually girls).
In my opinion if they'd had what they wanted in the first place they wouldn't have kept going which feels wrong to me, when i got older i wouldn't want to know i was only born because my parents were trying to have the sex they wanted.

YANBU- You agree people shouldn't keep having children until they get what they want.
YABU- People should have as many children as they like until they get what they want.

OP posts:
Sunflowerlover20 · 20/08/2020 13:17

I am always find it strange when parents don’t admit they want a certain sex and continue trying until they get that sex with always the same lines ‘oh we just want a healthy baby’ etc but then as soon as they get the opposite sex to what they want they have no more?Confused

For example I know a few people with many children each. One family had 4 boys then a girl after the girls birth mum announces no more but has not come out and said she now has her girl so is finished.
Another family I know had 4 girls then a boy again the same no more after the boy.
I always find others with big families who have a mix of sexs from the beginning do generally want a big family not just because they want a particular sex, for example another friend has 7 children they go Boy,Boy,girl, boy,boy,girl,boy she always wanted a big family.

Happyheartlovelife · 20/08/2020 13:17

@Wheresthebiffer2

My friend has 12 children

Her last 6 were boys!

She wanted a huge family though. So all her children. Regardless of sex. We're wanted.

lborgia · 20/08/2020 13:17

@GroupSects

Mine are all the same sex and I can’t count the amount of people who’ve asked me if we’re trying again for the other sex- erm no, wasn’t ever ‘trying’ for anything, happy with either.

I know someone who had multiply boys and every time it was a boy she’d just try again hoping for a girl. She never had a girl and gave all the boys up.

When you say “gave all the boys up”, do you really mean they went to foster care/adoption?! I think I must’ve misunderstood?
noblegreenk · 20/08/2020 13:18

I know someone who has nine children because they kept trying for a boy. She had 2 boys already and 6 girls but really wanted one more boy. I think it's ridiculous tbh. All of the kids are lovely but none of them get enough parental attention because there's just so many of them.

Happyheartlovelife · 20/08/2020 13:19

I wanted 5 girls! Sadly my pregnancies were too dangerous. But I've got 2! Happy with that

Wouldn't of carried on anyway. As in if I'd of had boys I'd of been happy. Regardless

FizzyGreenWater · 20/08/2020 13:22

It's not at all good to keep going to get a certain sex to the point you've got several more kids than you would have wanted, no.

But I'm on the fence with the idea of it being wrong to want a certain sex. I can understand it especially if the sex you want is your own. I think it's disingenous for people to get all starry-eyed and say, so unfair, a baby is a baby, they'll be their own person, so unhealthy to want to dress up a girl or have a mini-footballer blah blah.

In real life, sex matters. Everyone's the same and it should make no difference to your family what sex its members are? Well, it does though, doesn't it? Here we are, on MN, a female space and valued as such - unique, in fact. For everyone who comes here because they value the female perspective they have here and see what makes it special, can you not understand why a woman might say 'Yes, I would like my immediate family to be made up of at least another female, I would like to have that'. I can understand a man thinking similarly. Sex matters. Football and dresses aren't anything to do with that.

Johnnybong · 20/08/2020 13:24

There are absolutely parents like that, mine included and it left a horrible feeling of never been wanted. I think people who prefer a specific sex are disgusting and if it was up to me they would have none.

YouJustDoYou · 20/08/2020 13:26

My MIL did this. Always wanted a girl, always disappointed by having boys. She didn't know the sex of the final baby, was in labour, and told the midwife "if it's another boy, I don't want it".

"Luckily" it was a girl (who grew up to be a very spoiled, vain, pretty horrible human being because of how she was raised and princessified by MIL).

Bouncingbelle · 20/08/2020 13:33

Makes me think of a woman I know. Had 5 sons and longed for a little girl. When in labour with baby no. 6, the midwife said “I don’t say boy or girl, I say pink or blue” (she didn’t know sex of baby). Baby was born with complications and wasn’t breathing. There was a worrying ten minutes before they got baby stabilised and breathing and could hand them, wrapped up, to mum. When baby started breathing, midwife shouted “it’s pink” and my friend cried with relief that her baby was going to be ok. About 15 minutes after handing her the baby, the midwife was like “I thought you would have been more excited about having a girl after all those boys!” - in all the panic, my friend had took “it’s pink” to mean that baby was alive and well and just presumed baby was a boy, and was so delighted that ‘he’ was ok! They went on to have one more child after their daughter - another boy - and she could say hand on heart she REALLY wasn’t trying for another girl (who, incidentally, is the most stereotypically ‘ boyish’ of all her children!!)

UpToonGirl · 20/08/2020 13:41

I have three boys, you wouldn't believe how many people assumed I was trying/may still try for a girl. I find it really insulting, although I do understand it happens. Be careful not to tar everone with the same brush.

Or be a total dick and say anything in front of the DC. Someone once said something to my youngest about me being disappointed, even though he was too young to understand I was furious.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2020 13:43

@FizzyGreenWater

It's not at all good to keep going to get a certain sex to the point you've got several more kids than you would have wanted, no.

But I'm on the fence with the idea of it being wrong to want a certain sex. I can understand it especially if the sex you want is your own. I think it's disingenous for people to get all starry-eyed and say, so unfair, a baby is a baby, they'll be their own person, so unhealthy to want to dress up a girl or have a mini-footballer blah blah.

In real life, sex matters. Everyone's the same and it should make no difference to your family what sex its members are? Well, it does though, doesn't it? Here we are, on MN, a female space and valued as such - unique, in fact. For everyone who comes here because they value the female perspective they have here and see what makes it special, can you not understand why a woman might say 'Yes, I would like my immediate family to be made up of at least another female, I would like to have that'. I can understand a man thinking similarly. Sex matters. Football and dresses aren't anything to do with that.

I can sort of see what you mean: there's no harm in people having more natural affinity for a child of the same sex.

But to take that to the extreme of keeping firing out new humans on the basis that eventually you'll hit the jackpot seems horribly eugenicist to me. Not to mention selfish: every additional child has to be clothed and fed and loved and schooled. If you keep creating new kids because "dad wants a little footballer", and then dad gets a girl what do you do? spread it even more thinly until you finally get the footballer? (who inevitably will decide he actually wants to be a ballet dancer anyway).

Selfish, self-indulgent and stupid.

Kungfupanda67 · 20/08/2020 13:44

I have 3 children because I always wanted 3. I had a bit first and did want a girl too, I was disappointed when I found out my second was a boy (for about 5 minutes), and would’ve been disappointed if my third was a boy too - but I wouldn’t have kept having children to get a girl. Just like if my second had been a girl I still would have had a third. I do feel sorry for the kids who know they were only born because their parents wanted the opposite sex baby

AngeloMysterioso · 20/08/2020 13:47

I know a family who had two boys, decided to try one last time for a girl... and got twin boys Grin only got their DD the 5th time around!

jessstan2 · 20/08/2020 13:48

I agree it is a bad idea and sets a poor example to their children. Most people do stop at three though, the bigger families are rare.

missdunkindohnut · 20/08/2020 13:52

It’s not right to just assume that somebody was trying to get the sex they wanted- there are couples with 2 or 3 of the same sex who have another baby because they’ve genuinely planned that number of children.

But people who openly admit they will ‘keep going’ to get the desired sex is a bit strange. I don’t know why people put some much weight on the child’s sex anyway. Surely a lot of the mums who do ‘get their princess’ after a few boys might end up totally disappointed if the very fixed idea of all the ‘mother-daughter girly’ things don’t work out the way they pictured.

RiteAid · 20/08/2020 13:52

the midwife said “I don’t say boy or girl, I say pink or blue”

I would give short shrift to any midwife who said something so ridiculous!

ChikiTIKI · 20/08/2020 13:52

I think it might out too much pressure on the child. If growing up, I had 10 older brothers and my parents went on about how they longer for a girl etc etc it would make me feel like I had to be the person they imagined, do girly stuff etc.

Enterthedragons · 20/08/2020 13:53

I have 3 girls and am pregnant with my 4th baby. This one is a boy. Externally I’m sure people people think we were ‘going for the boy’ (a few have said something to that effect to us) and are stopping now we have him, but that’s genuinely not the case. I wanted 4 children and always have. In fact I had a slight preference for another girl!

Notmewithoutyou15 · 20/08/2020 13:55

Hi i have two girls and my last was a boy. I've had alsorts of comments about how I must be pleased to have finally got a boy and I'd have keep on trying if I had two girls too. Oh and I bet daddies pleased to finally have his boy! It drives me nuts I have fertility issues and my family was hard to come by I also had three missed miscarriages in the mix I just wanted another healthy beautiful baby. Boy or girl. So now people are under the impression I stopped having children as I got the boy I wanted.

when in truth If my three c sections hadn't have left me with really bad scarring I'd have probably tried for another baby also.
Sometimes it isn't as black and white as it looks from the outside x

GTFOOMW · 20/08/2020 13:55

Hmmm. It’s probably not right, and having loads of kids just to get a specific sex is a bit drastic...BUT I had one of each and if I’m totally honest, I might have tried for a third if I hadn’t have. Not a fourth though 😆

AyeCorona1 · 20/08/2020 13:55

My ex is one of 5.

Boy boy boy girl (yes, they wanted to keep trying for a girl) then their dad left. Mil remarried and had a boy (my ex).

My ex was very much wanted by his dad but was always told by his mum that she only had him because his dad wanted a baby. Fucked him right up.

Wolfff · 20/08/2020 13:56

I have a couple of family members who thought it was important to have a boy, to pass down the family name and property (in the family for hundreds of years). Both got a boy on their third ‘attempt’. In one case, the adult boy has already inherited to the exclusion of his older sisters. Fucking sexist and utterly wrong.

DryIce · 20/08/2020 13:57

This seems like a bit of a disingenuous question, do you really think you're going to get loads of responses saying "no its perfectly fine, a valid choice".

We all know it's not ideal, but for some people that doesn't matter. I have two of the same and I'd quite like another, but wouldn't care the sex. But I dont want more than three so I'd stop after that either way.

TeetotalKoala · 20/08/2020 13:59

I know a family that have six, and the youngest is a girl. It drives them bonkers when people make the assumption that they kept going until they had a girl. They didn't. They'd always planned to have five. They had five. Were perfectly happy with them being all boys. And then number six was completely unplanned.

NoRoomInBed · 20/08/2020 14:01

When I had my 2nd baby people automatically assumed that I would stop as I had a girl and a boy. Its madness. I did have another it was a boy not that it mattered but now people are asking if we are going to try for another girl. Fyi my family is complete for now 😊 maybe a fur baby in the future.