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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldnt keep having children until you get the sex you want?

84 replies

Whatthecluck · 20/08/2020 12:25

So this is none of my business but i was just on fb and came across a story where a couple had 7 boys before they managed to have a girl. Obviously i dont know the backstory and this couple may have intended to have a large family regardless of the sex of the first 7 children. But i know several couples who have had 3-4 of the same sex and carried on until they got what they wanted (usually girls).
In my opinion if they'd had what they wanted in the first place they wouldn't have kept going which feels wrong to me, when i got older i wouldn't want to know i was only born because my parents were trying to have the sex they wanted.

YANBU- You agree people shouldn't keep having children until they get what they want.
YABU- People should have as many children as they like until they get what they want.

OP posts:
StillCounting123 · 20/08/2020 12:29

Are you even sure that is the reason they have some many? Maybe they just like having a big family?

If the kids are well cared for and the parents don't bemoan how many boys/girls they have, then I think YABU.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 20/08/2020 12:31

How about a family who have eleven children, the youngest is a girl. That's determined.

Ohtherewearethen · 20/08/2020 12:31

I agree. You have a baby because you want another child, not because you want one particular sex. My friend had people almost apologising when her third boy was born, the disappointment was extremely clear, which upset her immensely as she was delighted with the new addition to the family.

RiteAid · 20/08/2020 12:34

I think generally parents / prospective parents should try not to have any emotional investment in the sexes of their children but I know it sadly doesn’t work like that.

And I agree it’s a bad reason to keep having kids, but who knows if that is actually their motivation.

premiumshoes · 20/08/2020 12:34

It depends on how they plan to supper the children for me. If they can afford that many children then why not? It wouldn't be for me and I do think I'm very large families there must be a problem giving them all the time they need, but each to their own. If they are like my neighbours, neither of which have ever done a days work in their life then no, a large family should be out of the question. My neighbours incidentally didn't do it due to sex, they had one of each initially and just kept repeating.

Ooooosh · 20/08/2020 12:39

It’s awful. I know a family that did the same, had 4 boys and she openly told everybody she wanted a girl, finally had a girl and she only ever posts photos of ‘her princess’ on social media! Very rarely posts about her sons Confused such a strange thing to do. Oh and they are in a 3 bed council house and don’t have enough room so are demanding to be moved to a larger house. How about don’t have so many kids you can’t fit them all in?! Bizarre attitude to life!

Original poster
Whatthecluck · 20/08/2020 12:44

@StillCounting123 i totally agree, one of the couples i know, had 3 boys then finally a girl and they've then had another 2 so presumably for them they wanted a large family. But i know 2 others who finally got a girl and then stopped. Also they've made it clear they wanted girls during the pregnancy so in my opinions had they had a boy and a girl they would have stopped and now they have 3 or 4 more children that they technically didnt want. (Not saying they are not loved and wanted now but technically they wouldn't exist if the parents had gotten what they wanted the first time)

OP posts:
Rudolphian · 20/08/2020 12:48

I've got two kids they are both girls.
I want another but not because I'm hoping for a boy, I just dont feel my family is complete. Though I have had comments from my sisters after confiding in them we are trying that there is no guarantee of getting a boy and I shouldn't just try for another baby if I'm hoping for a boy in case I dont get one.
In our culture boys are valued more, but I'm not hoping for a boy I just want another baby. I dont think they believe me though.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/08/2020 12:51

I do sometimes wonder how the penultimate kids in these sorts of families end up feeling.

Rudolphian · 20/08/2020 12:51

And if I did get a girl I would be getting messages of commiseration.
When pregnant with my second the look only my mums and older sisters face when I said it is probably a girl. They didnt say it out loud but the face they made ensured I knew what they were thinking.
But I know I would be happy with either

ZoeTurtle · 20/08/2020 12:54

It's no better or worse than other common reasons for having children. Like "I didn't feel my family was complete" or "I always imagined having three" or "I don't want an only child" or "New man, new baby."

[AUTO]d3jqakcn9qlt2 · 20/08/2020 12:57

Absolutely ridiculous, not to mention huge families are a massive drain on the environment. (we are experiencing climate catastrophe). Gender is a construct. YANBU

formerbabe · 20/08/2020 12:57

Yanbu...I never cared whether I had boys or girls...I've got one of each but would have been just as happy with two boys or two girls.

Norfolkmum02 · 20/08/2020 12:58

It’s really silly, and there’s absolutely no guarantee no matter how many times you try that you’ll have the one you want. I have 2 boys and am so so happy with them, but when I had DS2 I had family saying how sad it is that I won’t have a girl to put in frilly dressesHmm

GroupSects · 20/08/2020 12:59

Mine are all the same sex and I can’t count the amount of people who’ve asked me if we’re trying again for the other sex- erm no, wasn’t ever ‘trying’ for anything, happy with either.

I know someone who had multiply boys and every time it was a boy she’d just try again hoping for a girl. She never had a girl and gave all the boys up.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 20/08/2020 13:00

I have 3 girls. I didn't give a monkeys what gender they were, as long as the baby was healthy. My cousin has 5 boys and is still going in hopes of her girl... Me.

I'm definately done.

My girls can do everything a boy can do, I don't need a son.

TenDays · 20/08/2020 13:04

There was a Reader's Digest story many years ago about a family called Hitt who had several sons before their daughter was born.

Someone sent them a card saying 'Congratulations - four Hitts and a Miss!'

Well, it made me laugh.

TenDays · 20/08/2020 13:07

Had this in my own extended family where the longed-for child of the 'right' sex came after several 'disappointments'. Hugely harmful.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2020 13:07

Its moronic and disturbing

It suggests a preference for one sex over another which suggests a warped set of values. There was that dreadful post on here from some OP whose idiot husband was bullying her into having a child she clearly didn't want because he wanted a "mini-footballer" (yuck).

It also suggests a woeful stupidity about probability and statistics.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/08/2020 13:08

I don’t really see the problem. People have children for all kinds of reasons. Plus, most parents choose to have more than one child and children with several younger siblings of whatever sex don’t usually think “I wasn’t enough for my parents, they needed to have more children to feel like they were proper parents”, so I don’t see why children whose youngest sibling is the opposite sex should be encouraged to think thy it’s because their sex wasn’t good enough.

Confrontayshunme · 20/08/2020 13:08

I know four quite large families (between 5 and 9! children) where this happened, and I feel hugely sorry for the youngest ones. And their parents have made clear they are only having them for the preferred sex. Why would you say in front of your EIGHT sons that you are trying until you get a girl?! I was the same age as the oldest boy in that family, and he actually said that when she was born, he felt like their parents got the child they finally wanted. His siblings were quite messed up about it.

Autumnsloth · 20/08/2020 13:10

Agreed that it displays a weird view about sex based differences.

I am perhaps in the minority in here in that I don't think there's anything wrong with having a preference for one sex over the other when pregnant (so long as the baby is loved and treated just as well regardless of sex!) But having another child just to have a particular sex seems too far. What are you hoping the added boy / girl will bring that all the other children didn't?

Ori82 · 20/08/2020 13:11

I know of people who have had three boys and mum wants to try for a fourth because she's really keen to have a girl. She loves the boys unconditionally but I do wonder about folks who have an obvious preference.

What does it really matter - I suppose all I've ever hoped for is happy, healthy babies and I thank my lucky stars every single day that I've got two of those. I have lived experience with very sick babies though; my baby sister spent the first year of her life rigged up to machines in Royal Brompton. I was only ten at the time but her life hung in the balance for an eternity. After you've been through something like that you don't care what you get. Life is life in my books.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2020 13:15

@ComtesseDeSpair

I don’t really see the problem. People have children for all kinds of reasons. Plus, most parents choose to have more than one child and children with several younger siblings of whatever sex don’t usually think “I wasn’t enough for my parents, they needed to have more children to feel like they were proper parents”, so I don’t see why children whose youngest sibling is the opposite sex should be encouraged to think thy it’s because their sex wasn’t good enough.
But posters frequently come on saying they were very aware as children that their parents wanted a child of whatever the opposite sex was and that one or both parents didn't gel with them because they'd really wanted a child of the other sex. Kids do absorb this.

I would also just be really suspicious of the motives of anyone who felt they would prefer a child due to their sex for any reason, to be honest: it suggests sexism (in either direction) and a total lack of empathy. Or worse still, some daft idea of having to have both sexes just for the outward appearance of being a perfect family. Just generally suggests people imposing silly outdated stereotypes of how family life should be onto their children due to lack of imagination and intelligence.

Rebelwithallthecause · 20/08/2020 13:17

Also speaking from someone who has one of each, people keep telling me how lucky we are to have one of each and we can stop at 2.

As if that’s the only reason to have more children .

How do they know we don’t want 3 or 4?