Unfair splitting of finances.

[tiredandemosh1]

My take home pay is £1300 per month. DP earns £2500. He does have lots to pay out, ie maintenance amongst other commitments he can't get out of.
He pays tv bill and £800 rent. I have 3 children who live with us. I pay all food and all other bills. Eldest has started working, just turned 18 so pays £30 per week rent which I put towards food.
Does this seem fair to everyone? I'm curious what others think.

How often do his children stay over? If he didn’t live with your three children would be live in a small flat or still need a family home? If the former, then I do think more costs should fall to you as it’s unfair to expect him to pay half costs for a larger home that he wouldn’t need if not for your kids. Their dad not supporting them is an entirely separate issue and your partner isn’t responsible for them.

There are loads of these threads where people move in together, one party is worse off and resentful but it’s not clear cut what is actually fair as blended families are do complicated. Ultimately it should have all been ironed out before anyone moved anywhere, but that ship has sailed!

@vanillandhoney

So you 1300 + 120 in. At least 820 out. Plus incidentals, gone repairs and feeding his kids. 600 left. Him 2500 in. Just over 800 out. 1700 left.

You have your maths wrong. The £800 is the rent but he's also paying CSA and other fixed expenses so he doesn't have 1700 fun money.

Didn't call it fun money. I also didn't include op clothing her kids and paying for school trips etc or their personal stuff.

I just didn't expect to be so bloody skint all the time.

I really don't understand this.

This kind of thread crops up REGULARLY on mn and I WISH single mothers (Cos let's face it it's mainly women who are worse off financially AND have residency of children) would do a proper forecast of future finances BEFORE moving a new man in based on thorough discussions with said new man as to who will pay for what.

I feel sure if they did and properly accounted for:

Loss of council tax discount
Loss of any benefits
Increased wear and rest on the property and furnishings
Increased bills (contrary to comments I've seen on here, frankly from people who seem very ill informed on such matters another adult in the house DOES mean you'll need to spend more on groceries - not just food!, gas/electricity, water if metered...)

AND accounting for what the man is prepared to pay (they rarely play fair on this even though they tend to be higher earners)

I bet if you'd worked all that out and seen it in black and white BEFORE he moved in you'd have thought twice!

So your outgoings are as follows:

Rent 800.00
Council tax 165 (so 41.25 more than before)
Gas/elec 120.00
Water 80.00
Insurance 25.00
Food (is this actually just food or all groceries?) 433.00

Total 1703.00

How much IS the tv bill and is it the same as before he moved in or do you have an increased cost there?

You’re paying £903 PLUS bearing the loss of income due to your change of circumstances to the tune of how much? AND paying for any home improvements etc!

Yes I know in theory your children are your responsibility but he earns a lot more than you and frankly I always think (and it’s been my experience from knowing good step dads in real life) that any decent man would at the very least offset your losses incurred as a result of his moving in!

Sorry but I think you’re being taken for a mug!

Ofcourse this isn't bloody fair!!
He's basically getting a roof over his head, all his food, all bills, all home maintenance bills, all furnishings and his kids fed when they come to stay for £200 a week!!!

I agree!

And 120.00 for energy for a 5 person household plus an additional 2 at least (how many dc does he have op?) at weekends? I think that’s pretty cheap actually!

Ofgem ave is £104 per month based on a 3 bed home 4 people (2 adults 2 dc) but £137 for a 5 bed which I think must be the min size op has with min 5 dc between them? Plus there are regional and other variations eg I’m in Scotland, not known for its warm and balmy climate with sunny skies!! I’m in a 2 bed tenement flat and while my bills are high for a variety of reasons one of them is because of the colder weather and earlier darker nights in winter!

I bet he was paying more than £800 a month for rent, food, bills etc. previously.

Exactly! He knows full well the cost of living in their area AND what the household costs are.

I repeat I do WISH people, especially women who are usually the ones worst off, would sit and do a proper forecast BEFORE deciding to blend families.

Surely you sit down. Add both incomes togther then,

Work out and write down every bill/household expense you both have to pay out, even small stuff like kids clothes, school costs, savings account etc. Then have a pot for family activities and finally split remainder as spending.

You dont have to physically put incomes together. You can split bills accordingly

The OPs partner is paying for the roof over her children's head and his children. And she's feeding them, buying the stuff they sit and sleep on, repairing the house to keep it safe so yes It's not tit for tat quite. Yet op is still paying more household expenses on a much lower salary

I bet he was paying more than £800 a month for rent, food, bills etc. previously

Presumably though he wasn’t sharing the property with four others so had far more space, peace etc for the money.

Why don't you work our ALL joint outgoings and split that 50/50?

Whose house is it ?
Do you have children with him?
How long have you lived together?

@SleepingStandingUp

The OPs partner is paying for the roof over her children's head and his children. And she's feeding them, buying the stuff they sit and sleep on, repairing the house to keep it safe so yes It's not tit for tat quite. Yet op is still paying more household expenses on a much lower salary

Her children live with them most of the time. His do not

The OP is not paying more than he is towards their joint outgoings. Plus he then had maintenance payments:

Need more info to comment. What are his commitments and how much does he pay in maintenance? We don't actually really know what money is actually available to him. Why not pool your salaries.

He should be giving money for his kids food, and his own toiletries

Yeah that’s really not fair.
Personally I’d be pooling your finances together into one account, and then paying for all bills and splitting what is left between you equally go go into tour own personal accounts.

@Graphista yeah I transposed the values and read 165. I pay 120 and we have an o2 concentrator on permanently, TV on a lot, monitors and night lights etc.

Plus he then had maintenance payments but op has the equivalent costs. Her kids need clothes and shoes, school trips, possibly pocket money or money for days out, Christmas and Birthday money. So how is he spending more on his kids than op is on hers? That's why it's a null point, they're both paying those costs. But when his kids visit, who's paying to feed them?

Seems fair to me tbh

Although he could pay a bit towards food and should buy a shop when his kids are over

The OP is not paying more than he is towards their joint outgoings

So your outgoings are as follows:
Rent 800.00 dp
Council tax 165 op
Gas/elec 120.00 op
Water 80.00 op
Insurance 25.00 op
Food 433.00 op
Total 1703.00
DP 800
OP £903 PLUS incidentals, extra food when all the kids are there, house repairs, furniture.

How on earth is the op NOT paying more?

I wouldn’t expect to go 50/50 when one person has 3 teenagers. I think it’s fine to have a different amount of money.

He’s paying the rent - is that rent higher than he’d be paying than if there weren’t 5 living there?

You’re paying for the food and utilities - but your family is about 80% of those, so probably not unreasonable.

Like other people, I wonder why you didn’t sort this out before? You need to agree something that’s fair to both - but that doesn’t have to mean equal money. Nothing wrong with someone choosing to take the cost of a partner’s children - but it shouldn’t be expected!

Just don’t do anything silly like increase your family whilst this isn’t sorted!!

What home improvements and furniture are you talking about, in a rental?

My friend used to complain that she had to pay for home improvements, but what she actually meant was that she liked buying unnecessary cushions that her boyfriend couldn’t care less about, and understandably didn’t want to pay for!

There shouldn’t be a significant spend on home improvement in a rented property.

*Total 1703.00
DP 800
OP £903 PLUS incidentals, extra food when all the kids are there, house repairs, furniture.

How on earth is the op NOT paying more?*

OPs child is contributing £30 a week -around £120 a month. So OP's costs are actually 903-120 = 783. Is that right? Less than her OH even though the kids are not his. Not sure I'd see that as much of a partnership though.

yeah I transposed the values and read 165. ah ok easily done.

What home improvements and furniture are you talking about, in a rental? oooo well spotted! Yes what home improvements? You shouldn’t be paying for anything pertaining to the fixtures and fittings.

There shouldn’t be a significant spend on home improvement in a rented property. no there shouldn’t. But not everyone has scrupulous landlords.

How on earth is the op NOT paying more?

You've added it up wrong. They pay about the same, except in the months when there is no council tax to pay. If you take into account the £120 per month contributed by the OP's son, then OP is actually paying a bit less than her partner overall, though that probably balances out with the other incidental costs.

I don't think it's an unreasonable split, given that they're the OP's three children for which the partner isn't responsible. I do think he should do the food shop when his own kids visit though.

The kids' dad should be paying a decent amount of maintenance, of course - the OP doesn't mention how much she actually gets, but if isn't sufficient, I don't think the new partner should be expected to make up the shortfall. He has his own kids to pay for.

@HerNameWasEliza

*Total 1703.00 DP 800 OP £903 PLUS incidentals, extra food when all the kids are there, house repairs, furniture.

How on earth is the op NOT paying more?*

OPs child is contributing £30 a week -around £120 a month. So OP's costs are actually 903-120 = 783. Is that right? Less than her OH even though the kids are not his. Not sure I'd see that as much of a partnership though.

Fair point re child's contribution. But that's 793 + all household repairs and furniture, toiletries etc her actual shopping bill is higher than her food bill so she's still paying more overall.

Assuming his kids sleep over they're both in a house bigger than needed.

Say their previous rentsc were both £500.

His rent went up £300 but he isn't paying for anything else. Food (150?), CT (100?), power (80?), water (40?), Insurance (25?) is nearly 400 so he's better off before we even get to repairs house maintenance furniture etc.

Op clearly ISNT better off between the increases in coats and reduction in benefits.

I just think they're isn't much partnership in one being skint constantly and the other one being financially better off for it.

except in the months when there is no council tax to pay the what months???

Nobody can even compare as we don’t even know the two income figures shrug 🤷🏻‍♀️

Him? 2500 - but less an unspecified amount of maintenance. 2500 take home is approx £40K which for 2 kids 1-2 nights a week is £390.

Her? 1300 - but plus £120 board, around £120 child benefit, plus an unspecified amount in CM. Say that’s £200 and you could be looking at £2100 vs £1740 which is much less dramatic.

This really comes down to your position on:

• should all partners pool all money
• should partners losing benefits be compensated for that by the other partner
• should a part time working parent (if OP is?She mentions increasing her hours) be compensated by the higher earner if working part time is their choice (I.e. not needed for younger children) or is a choice but they’re not the other person’s children?

All of that is a personal position rather than a financial one - though it has a financial implication.

I pay far more than my husband because I earn more. He pays 50% of food, that’s it for the house, though he also chooses to give adult stepson money - at uni. But when he decided he wanted to work only 4 days, he didn’t think he should pay for less food - because he thought it was unfair that I should subsidise his extra time off. As it happens, I didn’t care financially (I love him, it’s a small amount of money) but I absolutely did care that in principle he didn’t expect it.