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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you react - birthday party

97 replies

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 12:21

Me and a friend both have children who are two.
We supported each other through some mental health issues so I've keep in good contact during lockdown. When things eased we met for a socially distanced walk in the park as per rules.I gave her dd some brand new clothing when she needed a change of clothes
My DS had his birthday during lockdown so we didn't have a party at all.
I've just seen on fb that her DD has had a lovely party to which all her little friends were invited... except us.
It's a non issue really in the grand scheme but I'm feeling a little hurt. How do I get past this? She knows I have anxiety and depression and our DCs get on beautifully.
I don't know if it's worth forgetting the friendship over. It probably isn't is it - I'm being childish aren't I?

OP posts:

Hermanfromguesswho · 19/08/2020 12:24

Could be that she knows you are following the distance rules and doesn’t want to put you in an awkward position or be open to judgement? Especially if you were vocal about not having a party for your child because you didn’t want to be in a group.
I’m having a get together for my child’s birthday tomorrow. I’ve not included some people that I normally would because I’m not sure how they would feel about it. Stuck to close friends that I know won’t judge and that I know have similar risk assessments to me...

BaconsLaw · 19/08/2020 12:25

I'd be asking why. How rude.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 12:28

Thanks for the replies. My DS's birthday was during the time when you absolutely weren't allowed parties. Now they are allowed I wouldn't have a problem with going. I think she just forgot about me. I sent a message on whatsapp saying I hope she had a lovely birthday, looks like she had fun, with a smiley face, but she does that thing where she turns off the blue ticks so no idea if she's seen it :-(

OP posts:

MrsOldma · 19/08/2020 12:29

If you don’t ask it will bug you. It’s not a non issue if it hurt you. Just ask her outright, why didn’t we get invited? Her reaction and explanation will determine how you should proceed with the friendship

user1493413286 · 19/08/2020 12:29

Next time I spoke or talked to her I’d probably say it looked like a lovely birthday party and see if she mentions it. If she doesn’t say anything then I think and I mean this kindly maybe she doesn’t see the friendship as quite as close as you do.
Also surely she’s going to return the clothing you lent her DC?

Pipandmum · 19/08/2020 12:31

I'd be tempted to post a passive aggressive comment along the lines of: ' so happy you were able to have a party for Y! We couldn't have one for X due to lockdown and he was so disappointed!'. Could be taken as a (small) dig or an innocent comment. Leave it at that. Certainly not worth losing a friendship over - kids birthday parties are a minefield of hurt feelings.

Nosebogey · 19/08/2020 12:33

Life is too short for PA. Just ask her why. Her answer will help you evaluate your friendship. Worrying and making excuses or ideas as to why it happened won’t do your mental health any good.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/08/2020 12:34

This happened to me and I just asked friend if I’d done anything to offend as I noticed the party had happened and we weren’t invited

Turned out it was a real last min thing that her husband had sorted and forgotten some key people, we met a few days later and did our own thing. No drama.

Just speak to her about it, there’s probably a reasonable explanation and if there isn’t, she isn’t the friend you think she is and can put some distance between you.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 12:35

@Pipandmum thanks, yes they are - a real minefield!
@user1493413286 no it would appear not. It was brand new, and it seems they've "accidentally" been given to charity. During lockdown. When the ships were not accepting donations. I told her it was absolutely not a problem because I valued the friendship.

OP posts:

BaconsLaw · 19/08/2020 12:40

You value it more than she does.

user1493413286 · 19/08/2020 12:44

Sorry I know this is about the birthday party but the clothes thing kind of says it all. Even if I’d accidentally given clothes to charity (which seems unlikely) I’d pay to replace clothes that I’d lent and not returned, even more so if they were new

fruitbrewhaha · 19/08/2020 12:48

The update about the brand new clothes you lent her vanishing is quite telling to me.

I don't think she values you as much as you do her.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 12:48

@BaconsLaw

You value it more than she does.

I can believe that!

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 12:49

@fruitbrewhaha

The update about the brand new clothes you lent her vanishing is quite telling to me.

I don't think she values you as much as you do her.

Time to move on then I guess 😕

OP posts:

AudaCityLimits · 19/08/2020 12:49

The clothes thing is more of an issue than the party. She didn't accidentally give them away when the charity shops were shut, that's bollocks. Having a friendship with someone who has so little regard for you will not help your mental health.

josben · 19/08/2020 12:49

I totally understand how you feel about the party situation - but I would personally just leave it be and move on, still being friends.

I think that when you look back on this in the future, it will not feel like such a big deal...
x

AudaCityLimits · 19/08/2020 12:50

And please remember OP, this is all about her and is no judgment on you. You sound great.

HoneyBee03 · 19/08/2020 12:51

That's really rubbish. Did it look like a small party? My DS's birthday was about a month ago and to keep numbers down I only invited the immediate family and god parents. I felt bad that our other friends with kids couldn't all come, in fact I tried not to talk about it around them because I felt guilty that they couldn't come.

SixesAndEights · 19/08/2020 12:52

She's sold the clothes on Ebay. Time to move on, OP.

Ispini · 19/08/2020 12:54

I would ask her to replace the clothes. She’s a cheeky mare!

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/08/2020 12:55

I think it depends really on how close you are as friends, and how many people were there? E.g. if they wanted grandparents and cousins, that may have meant no friends or only 1, it may simply have been a matter of numbers? Other kids who might be at same childminders, or who are going to go to school together, next door neighbour kids, maybe invited someone based on OH wanting them there. Doesn’t mean she loves you any less.
OP I would try not to stress too much about it, there are so many reasons why—as others have said it could have been organised my a family member, etc. If you can’t leave it, then best to speak really openly with your friend, say you would love to see her again soon, etc. Try not to get down into blaming or overly emotional, you don’t want to push your friend away.

I don’t see what the clothes have to do with anything? How close are you actually, and how many friends do you have comparatively? If you’re someone with 5 friends, and she is someone with a wide friendship group, then you have to accept sadly you won’t always make the invite list in a pandemic.

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/08/2020 12:56

Wait she gave the clothes away?

RubieRose · 19/08/2020 13:07

Could it have been case of limited numbers?

It's difficult because good friends are hard to come by, but is she a good friend to you?

Party aside (because they can be complicated) a good friend would have returned or replaced the clothes you lent her.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 13:11

Some really lovely messages here, thank you so much. Its helpful to just be able to talk it through here.

Regarding friendship strength, not BFF I suppose but close enough that she told me about her own MH problems and how when she was low she was unfaithful and was going to leave her husband. I said that her husband was a very kind man to have forgiven her, so why not hold off on leaving him and see how you feel when stronger. Now they seem really happy together.

The party was at a soft play and she invited a mutual friend who she met at the same group she met me at, and who afaik she's seen less than she's seen me. Weird.

Yes the clothes could well have gone on eBay. They were a gift of a pair of trousers from my MIL - a lovely colour too. Shame about those.

OP posts:

MondeoFan · 19/08/2020 13:13

This is shit isn't it? I'd be annoyed too. I'd feel hurt actually. I'd have to ask her or just ghost her.

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