Page 2 | How would you react - birthday party

SomeOtherGirl · 2020-08-19T11:21:26+00:00

Me and a friend both have children who are two. We supported each other through some mental health issues so I've keep in good contact during lockdown. When things eased we met for a socially distanced walk in the park as per rules.I gave her dd some brand new clothing when she needed a change of clothes My DS had his birthday during lockdown so we didn't have a party at all. I've just seen on fb that her DD has had a lovely party to which all her little friends were invited... except us. It's a non issue really in the grand scheme but I'm feeling a little hurt. How do I get past this? She knows I have anxiety and depression and our DCs get on beautifully. I don't know if it's worth forgetting the friendship over. It probably isn't is it - I'm being childish aren't I?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 19/08/2020 13:15

She's stolen from you by 'giving away' the brand new clothes you lent her. That doesn't just happen, it was deliberate. Time to get a better friend imo. Actually I'd text her and ask for the money to replace them.

ButtonMoonLoon · 19/08/2020 13:18

Well I would be asking for the trousers to be replaced, given that they were a gift from your MIL.
I’d also be doing a search on eBay, you can filter things to see when they’ve been sold.

She has shown you who she really is, so I think you need to be a bit firmer with her.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/08/2020 13:18

@ButtonMoonLoon

Well I would be asking for the trousers to be replaced, given that they were a gift from your MIL. I’d also be doing a search on eBay, you can filter things to see when they’ve been sold.

She has shown you who she really is, so I think you need to be a bit firmer with her.

I would too

She’s mugging you off, you need to be much firmer with her

Devlesko · 19/08/2020 13:19

You are not one of her friends, it's obvious.
I'd have to tell her how I felt and I'd be asking for clothes replacement.

Nibor1991 · 19/08/2020 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Antigonads · 19/08/2020 13:23

I agree parties are a minefield. I still hold random grudges about DDs lack of invites many years later.

Phbq · 19/08/2020 13:28

Could it be that she feels she has over shared with you and feels awkward that you know about her affair. Not an excuse but a reason?

Are there any other possible reasons? Do you have older kids? Do you work? Does your husband always come?

Could be it was just last minute and not a planned party.

Grandmi · 19/08/2020 13:30

Antigonads ...I am the same!! My youngest is late teens now and I still feel the rage when I think about the bloody birthday parties ....errrghhh!

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 13:36

@Phbq

Could it be that she feels she has over shared with you and feels awkward that you know about her affair. Not an excuse but a reason?

Are there any other possible reasons? Do you have older kids? Do you work? Does your husband always come?

Could be it was just last minute and not a planned party.

Thanks. In answer to your three questions - no to all.

It didn't look last minute as she'd had a cake specially made.

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/08/2020 13:44

You sound lovely, OP. She sounds like a right user and I think you're better off not seeing her to be honest. Who the hell doesn't return clothes to someone who has done a favour to them in lending them?!?! Although to be honest, I think I would have said "how can they have been given accidentally to charity - charity shops were all closed? I'm going to need them back or a replacement as MIL bought them."

I think it's also possible that she feels she overshared about her affair and hasn't told her husband about it and thinks that there is a danger of you mentioning their marital difficulties to him and it all coming out.

If it was one of those things on its own: no invite to party, and not returning the clothes, then I would encourage you to pursue with her as to the reasons. But put them all together, and the fact she blamed her mental health on an affair (I would be devastated if my DH used that as an excuse to me, I've had depression myself and there is no way I would have considered an affair, that's just an excuse) and they just amount to someone who is not actually a very nice person. Not a friend I'd want to have myself.#

Dennysheart · 19/08/2020 13:56

She sounds like a user. And that you probably value her more than she values you. I’m not sure I’d want to invest in this friendship any further.

notasportymum · 19/08/2020 14:04

she forgot to invite you and ‘gave away’ clothes she borrowed! what a cheeky cow.

She’s not your friend it just feels that way because of your DC are at the same stage, but time to smile and wave and back away. You will encounter women like this occasionally with DC and they’re much better kept at arms length. If they leave you out of something take it as a blessing!

I’d send her shopping links to the clothes so she can jolly well replace them if she no longer has them, or reimburse you.

Mittens030869 · 19/08/2020 14:15

I'm sorry to say that I agree with PPs that she isn't a friend, she's a user and doesn't sound like a nice person.

stayathomer · 19/08/2020 14:20

You were sayIng she has mh issues too? I'd say ring for a chat and see if there's anything/ a lot going on. Everyone here can guess what's on, call her a user whatever without her able to stick up for herself. Did she not invite you because of the clothes?Was she secretly embarrassed? Because if someone had even asked me for the clothes (whether I had them or not) I'd have been so mortified. People on mn are always quick to tell people to get rid of people but I've friends who've put up with a lot from me, that's what friends are for!

ScottishDream · 19/08/2020 14:21

Delete and block. I had a (significant) birthday over lockdown. The only celebration I managed was doorstep drinks with a few neighbours.
A "good" friend had her birthday just after things eased. I'd spent loads on her present, made a personalised card, and dropped it round in plenty of time. I was very hurt to see photos of her back garden celebration for it that I wasn't invited to - she hadn't even mentioned it to me.
Deleted and I now feel like a weight has lifted.

If people show you who they are, believe them.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 14:29

I really appreciate these posts, thank you all.
Yes I was surprised that she had cheated. Her OH is a really sweet guy to have forgiven her. I'm not so much of an advocate of LTB unless he's at fault! And he wasn't- at all!

In terms of the clothes with my anxiety I will struggle to ask for the money. She did offer last time we met, when I thought all was well between us and I politely, British, refused. I felt too awkward! No, in fact I said - ahhh I'm not sure how much they were as they were a gift from MIL. Don't worry about it. I'd struggle to ask again now. I will have to let it go.

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MoreListeningLessChatting · 19/08/2020 14:39

nothing more to add than others have said really.

She sounds like she uses and drops friends as it suits her

because it isn't nice when it happens

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 14:41

@ScottishDream

Delete and block. I had a (significant) birthday over lockdown. The only celebration I managed was doorstep drinks with a few neighbours. A "good" friend had her birthday just after things eased. I'd spent loads on her present, made a personalised card, and dropped it round in plenty of time. I was very hurt to see photos of her back garden celebration for it that I wasn't invited to - she hadn't even mentioned it to me. Deleted and I now feel like a weight has lifted.

If people show you who they are, believe them.

That's it, isn't it - seeing it on facebook with the description Thanks to all you lovelies for helping us celebrate and helping DD have a great birthday!

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/08/2020 14:53

Her OH is a really sweet guy to have forgiven her How do you know that he has? It's possiblle that she's just glossed over it all in conversation with you and that he doesn't actually know, and she doesn't want YOU telling him (by accident or otherwise)>

Re: the clothes. I hate the word "walkover" but OP, why on earth didn't you take the money for the clothes when she offered it?! Makes absolutely no sense. There is nothing anxiety-inducing in that exchange from what I can see. She had something of yours (a present from a grandparent, no less), wasn't careful with it, and so tried to pay you back. And you declined! That really isn't her fault. And you only just thought to mention this at this point in the thread.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 14:55

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Her OH is a really sweet guy to have forgiven her How do you know that he has? It's possiblle that she's just glossed over it all in conversation with you and that he doesn't actually know, and she doesn't want YOU telling him (by accident or otherwise)>

Re: the clothes. I hate the word "walkover" but OP, why on earth didn't you take the money for the clothes when she offered it?! Makes absolutely no sense. There is nothing anxiety-inducing in that exchange from what I can see. She had something of yours (a present from a grandparent, no less), wasn't careful with it, and so tried to pay you back. And you declined! That really isn't her fault. And you only just thought to mention this at this point in the thread.

I don't know, you're right. I'm not about to ask him either. If she doesn't want me to mention it to him, it was silly of her to tell ME in the first place.

I didn't take the money because I thought we were friends and things would even out in the end. I mentioned it in my first post, but said I had given it to her - that was to illustrate that I had been there for her when she needed me. The further details came out when people asked.

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julybaby32 · 19/08/2020 14:58

By giving away the clothes and not inviting you to the birthday party she has created a situation where she thinks she had credibly claim that you are taking petty and malicious revenge on her, if you ever let slip about the affair to anyone. I'm not saying you would. She doesn't seem to be as decent a person as you though.

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/08/2020 15:06

OP when you raised the clothes originally, I was really taken aback, but she offered you the money for them? So it sounds like it could have been a genuine mistake why you couldn’t have them back (in my area charity shops were open for drop offs but not to well) and you refused the money... so other than being thoughtless here did she do anything wrong?

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/08/2020 15:09

Also I think it is very likely if you discuss MH together and her affair, she may well not particularly want you hanging around with her husband and family for the afternoon... especially if this is not something she widely mentions. If you’re otherwise not extremely close, you may be more of an emotional friend than a social one—she may have confided in you. It’s not unusual for people to not want those two worlds to clash

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 19/08/2020 15:22

Do you know where the clothes came from? Find soemthing similar online and message her the link saying look i found them! Can you replace the ones you gave away in a size x please?
She doesbt sound like the best friend so you should at least get back your DC's clothes x

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 15:27

@12309845653ghydrvj

OP when you raised the clothes originally, I was really taken aback, but she offered you the money for them? So it sounds like it could have been a genuine mistake why you couldn’t have them back (in my area charity shops were open for drop offs but not to well) and you refused the money... so other than being thoughtless here did she do anything wrong?

My only point with mentioning the clothes was to illustrate how I've been a friend to her. In saying no to the money, first of all I thought she'd insist (naive) but second of all, again, I was trying to be a good friend. I struggle to take money off people in those circumstances, i felt i should refuse. She didnt offer me a banknote, she said she'd transfer it. I was just trying to be nice. She said her OH had accidentally given them away so i felt i couldn't blame her.

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