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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you react - birthday party

97 replies

SomeOtherGirl · 19/08/2020 12:21

Me and a friend both have children who are two.
We supported each other through some mental health issues so I've keep in good contact during lockdown. When things eased we met for a socially distanced walk in the park as per rules.I gave her dd some brand new clothing when she needed a change of clothes
My DS had his birthday during lockdown so we didn't have a party at all.
I've just seen on fb that her DD has had a lovely party to which all her little friends were invited... except us.
It's a non issue really in the grand scheme but I'm feeling a little hurt. How do I get past this? She knows I have anxiety and depression and our DCs get on beautifully.
I don't know if it's worth forgetting the friendship over. It probably isn't is it - I'm being childish aren't I?

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/08/2020 18:38

I wonder if she's feeling horribly, totally guilty about having told you about being unfaithful and she's now burning up inside with the fact that someone, besides her, knows about it.

I also reckon her DH knows nothing whatsoever about it (or she's minimised it to nearly nothing) and she's terrified that you might spill the beans or let something out that she'd rather stayed hidden.

She's probably painting you as deranged and obsessive to her family, just in case you DO say something, and so she can't possibly invite you to family do's or it would look odd.

Waveysnail · 20/08/2020 18:51

Your probably one of the few people she told about the affair and now she has frozen you out. Gutting and so hurtful but at least u know where u stand

Piffle11 · 20/08/2020 19:18

I'd cut my losses, OP. Be glad that she's shown you who she really is this early on … if you stay in touch, in 5 years time she'll be getting you to pick up her DD from school so that she can have an early drink with her 'real' friends.

mellowww · 20/08/2020 21:20

@Zaphodsotherhead

I wonder if she's feeling horribly, totally guilty about having told you about being unfaithful and she's now burning up inside with the fact that someone, besides her, knows about it.

She's probably painting you as deranged and obsessive to her family, just in case you DO say something, and so she can't possibly invite you to family do's or it would look odd.

This all sounds quite possible!

Krampusasbabysitter · 20/08/2020 21:34

Gah, what a total cow. I'd 'accidentally' dob her in to her hubby. I bet he knows nout about the affair.

mellowww · 21/08/2020 05:23

@Krampusasbabysitter

Gah, what a total cow. I'd 'accidentally' dob her in to her hubby. I bet he knows nout about the affair.

Harsh but possibly fair

MsTSwift · 21/08/2020 05:33

Generally I agree with not stressing about kids party invites but for babies they don’t care who is there so it is all about who the parents want to invite so yes this is a hurtful snub.

Agree if the Child is 6 and chooses which pals to invite then you would be off to say anything but this isn’t that scenario

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 21/08/2020 17:39

Ok here's what I think will be the last update.

I messaged her yesterday and said my MIL was cross I'd lost the clothes. She changed the subject and that was how come she said she didn't feel close to me. I may have said that to you already

But today reading the messages on this thread I messaged her again and asked if she would please pay for the clothes.

She answered straight out no, I was taking the f-in piss and she had already offered to replace them (she didn't, she offered me a second hand pair belonging to her DD. My child is a boy).

She told me not to contact her again and had blocked me and unfriended me on fb.

Serious cray-cray over reaction much! What the hell have I done wrong?!
I'm sitting here shaking, I don't know if it's anger, sadness or humiliation. I'm even crying. What a cow. She doesn't deserve her lovely husband. I've half a mind to go down to the cafe he manages and tell him about this fiasco. But I won't. Far too chicken. Especially as this happened already, being brave got me nowhere. Except closure I guess.

OP posts:

ILoveFood87 · 21/08/2020 18:06

I don't think you are being childish OP I'd feel the same

DayKay · 21/08/2020 18:17

What you want to do is find a way of getting some control of the situation.
Send her a message back telling her what you think of her ( she won’t see it but it will be cathartic for you) then block and delete her back.
That way, you’ll minimise those overwhelming feelings of wanting to make her feel like how she’s made you feel.

Crystal87 · 21/08/2020 19:10

Her reaction is horrible but I think perhaps there's something you're not seeing here, maybe she's annoyed with you for some other reason or you have upset her unintentionally. Her reaction seems extreme otherwise. I don't think it's worth talking about it though, just let her go.
As for the clothes I think you need to forget them. She's not going to pay and if they were so important you should not have given them to her. Plus she already offered payment and you said no.

BrimfulOfBaba · 21/08/2020 21:36

OH OP, she sounds horrible. She has shown you what she's really like, you certainly don't need friends like that. I am sorry that she has hurt you so much, you sound like a lovely person.

MirandaGoshawk · 21/08/2020 21:54

I'm sorry for how you're feeling, OP. But you sound lovely and you can hold your head up. You helped her out but she didn't value the friendship. She sounds selfish and you're best off without her. There will come a time when you don't think about her at all. Invest in the decent people in your life.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 21/08/2020 22:32

I'm sorry she's behaved so badly, that's not nice. 💐

Two things spring to mind. Firstly, often when people behave this badly it's because they feel ashamed. They know they've behaved badly but it's too painful to admit that. it's too threatening to the image they've tried to create of who they are, so they try and turn it round by making you the villain of the piece to " justify" it to themselves.That's not your fault.

Secondly, you could consider the cost of the pair of trousers as a valuable lesson - that she is not a true friend. I know it's upsetting to learn that now, but better than in ten years' time when she's been leaching off your money and your emotional input for all that time.

Find some friends you deserve you, you sound like a friend somebody would be glad to have. 💐

Hopeisnotastrategy · 21/08/2020 22:33

That's NOT your fault 😄

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2020 22:41

It sounds to me like she let her guard down and overshared with you about the affair, then tried to distance herself from you when she regretted doing that. I doubt it’s got anything to do with anything you’ve done, MH is a funny thing as I’m sure you know, you become your own worst enemy.

Krampusasbabysitter · 21/08/2020 22:48

Yep, this woman definitely overshared because she wanted to tell someone about shagging around in her marriage and now regrets her lose mouth. Her behaviour is really disgusting. I know it’s always easier to get angry on behalf of other people. While I am good at enforcing boundaries, on the few occasions when someone mistreated me, I seldom take action despite perhaps briefly fantasising about it. Usually, my life is so busy and I’m otherwise fairly content that it just seems misspent energy to dwell on horrendous people like that. I’d draw a line under it. But should you ever run into her husband and for some reason the opportunity presents itself, I would comment to him on how wonderful it is that they have such a great relationship that he could move on from his wife cheating on him. How inspiring…

OhYeahYouSuck · 21/08/2020 22:48

What a total bitch she is! Just be thankful she's shown her true colours so you don't have such a fake in your life.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/08/2020 01:38

This "friend" sounds like she really over reacted about the clothes. And then blocked you. And she didn't invite you to the party despite your kids getting on really well. And despite good contact during lockdown.

I really think she was out to to put some distance between you. She's told you about being unfaithful and she probably feels she's told you too much. And it's a reminder when you are around.

I'm sorry because she has used you. When she needed some one to talk to and now you're of no more use. Tbh OP although it's really hurtful, she's not very nice. And remember it's not about you. It's about her.

I think the clothes you lent her are a bit of a red herring. You asking gave her something to get 'angry' about and block you for.

You are well out of it OP. It's sad to lose a friend. But you will meet much nicer friends than her.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/08/2020 01:39

itstrue · 22/08/2020 01:56

Instead of being sad and shaken over this see it as a blessing. You don't need that sort of person in your life.

Original poster

SomeOtherGirl · 22/08/2020 09:44

Ladies I can't thank you enough for your help and support. I really do feel so much stronger. I've posted a couple of times recently and have had amazing support, and a few times under a different name too. Thank you all very much xxxx

OP posts:

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