6 months of being with my kids 24/7 has nearly broken me

[Midlifelights]

I love my kids and I know I am lucky to have a family life but the total absence of personal space and time has nearly broken me.

I get interrupted every single second of the day & my kids (who are 8 & 12 incidentally) seem to have lost the ability to play or entertain themselves - I try to restrict screen time but I find myself using screens more as a way of getting time out.

I feel close to a meltdown to be honest- we do get out every day to parks & stuff but unless we do that, I get no time to do anything even as simple as sending an email or anything without them demanding my uninterrupted attention.

I need to cook, clean, send emails, do life admin. OH in work & then tired so all of this has fallen to me. My lovely DD must have said mummy 300 times yesterday & I spend all my time saying ‘hang on’ while I try to grab 10 mins to do something for myself.

Aibu- I feel close to the edge to be honest

I am relieved to have found this thread... to know that others are struggling makes me feel much less shit about myself and my role.

I've been feeling very guilty about such things because I'm a fairly new full-time stepmum to four demanding children aged 5 to 12 - I feel I should be proving myself to be capable, but I'm feeling anything but!

Some days have been okay, but most have been exhausting and thankless.

The last 12 months have included getting married, becoming a stepmum to 2 girls and 2 boys, moving from a big city to a remote Welsh-speaking community and then 5+ months of lockdown in a tiny house, constantly covered in building dust and mess.

There are 3 weeks until they go back to school and I'm genuinely dreading a u-turn from the Welsh govt, as it operates separately from the UK govt.

Hoping that my relationship with my DSC won't be adversely affected. I love them and they love me, but their constant noise, bickering and requests make me want to scream and cry sometimes.

Sorry for huge gaps between paragraphs! Not sure how that happened!

@melj1213

By 8 and 12 they should be able to understand "Mummy is busy, entertain yourself for an hour".

Balance out independent play with a family activity - "Mummy is busy but if you can play nicely until lunchtime then we can do X after lunch"

My DD has a chore jar - pieces of paper with different household jobs written on them. If she says she is bored and I'm busy, I tell her to take something out and do it. Once she chooses something she has to complete it. I rarely have to resort to the chore jar because she will only resort to "I'm bored" if shes genuinely bored because she knows that it might end up with her mopping the kitchen or sorting laundry etc.

She also is allowed an hour of screen time but she has a list of stuff to do - make her bed, tidy her room, put her clothes in the laundry, wash up her breakfast dishes, do at least 20 mins of reading, do 15 mins of activity (eg a kids workout video or go out in the garden) plus at least one chore from the chore jar - before she can have her tablet. It's written on a wipe clean board and she ticks things off as she does them so if she asks for her tablet then she has to show me that shes done her list first. If I find she has not done something then she loses screen time. It gives her a bit of structure to the day, she helps out around the house but also means her screen time is restricted.

Bookmarking the chore jar for when my two are old enough. Genius!

My two are v similar age to yours OP. And it's just the same. They had phases during lockdown where they played together for hours, but by now they are fed up of the sight of each other. The older one is way more mature at the moment and they're not finding much in common.

Older one would entertain herself, but often if her younger brother doesn't have my attention he will find a way to piss her off. They are so snappy with each other these days too.

We all need a break from each other. My kids need time away from me and away from each other. With different adults, with their own friends, in different places.

I have been trying to arrange playdates and meet ups but most of their friends have been away on holiday or else the parents are working so all we can do is invite other kids here. Which helps with different company but still doesn't give them a change of scenery, a proper break from each other, or me a break!

Today has rained all day. 3 Boys here making constant mess and jumping around on my bed. I don't mind the jumping on my bed as my matress is on the floor and they just need to burn off that energy but bloody hell it's loud and stressful and I cannot wait for the schools to go back ! They are just being kids, just playing etc but they need to be learning now, having some structure to their days and with their peers and other adults ! It's just not healthy having so much time at home and we've only got a small place.

Oh I feel the same way OP. I have been feeling so guilty about it but I just want them to go away for a bit. I love them to the ends of the earth and I would like them to come back after a couple of days but I would give my right arm for some peace and to be able to actually do what I want to do. I feel like the most awful mother in the world admitting that but I am finding it so hard. Individually they are lovely but together it’s just relentless fighting, shrieking, and being bloody irritating! I haven’t had any child free time for 6 months and I’m at the end of my tether (kids are 7, 4 and 2). It feels nice just to know I’m not alone and it doesn’t make me the absolute worst mother in the world for feeling like this!

Big hugs. 🤗 your post is completely relatable to lots on here. I remember feeling the same 5 weeks ago and saying to my husband “8 more weeks of this, I can’t do it” and now it’s less than 3 more weeks. Hang on in there. You are doing your best.

Mine are 7 & 9 and have been home since 20th March, Yr 2 & 4 so no hope of going back, its been looooong!

But we've so nearly done it now, the end is almost in sight!

Get the DC to help with the housework.

Two birds with one stone.

It's a bloody nightmare. It's why we've spent £1200 on summer clubs. A game changer. They didn't want to go but they've bloody well been..and ended up enjoying it!

My nine year old has said Mummy about 300 times too today. I have told them to entertain themselves and it's not my job to entertain them, but he is a bored, listless and annoying beast at the moment. He needs me to provide structure and has regressed a bit during lockdown, with some toddler behaviours. Sounds like maybe yours have too... Sometimes the two year old seems more grown up than the eldest and the middle child.

Stay in there, you are doing really well. This has been the hardest six months as a parent. Some people seem to have bossed it (especially on MNet), I wasn't one of them. Some days I'd sell my kids I'm so sick of them - other days I'd give them away...

I’m a SAHM anyway, (3 & 1) but lock down was especially tough with not being able to go out, having no garden & DH working more than ever.

Now seems A LOT easier than that was. Even so, I’ve began applying for part time jobs, I totally just need some independence again. YANBU, op.

I feel your pain. As a family we love each other hugely (DD 13 and DS 10, plus me and DH) but there is only so much of each other’s actual presence we can tolerate. Kids have no sense of boundaries and walk in on my work calls all the time. For those who think I should just tell them to go away and not interrupt, after finding DS in tears over school work multiple times frankly I’d rather they came and found me. They spend too much time on screens, won’t go for non-screen entertainment unless pushed, and are constantly demanding. I have to keep reminding myself how much this situation has screwed them up and it is not my fault.

Hang on in there, September is coming, and you and they will make it out the other side. There will be revolution if the schools aren’t back.

@AlexTheLittleCat

It's the constant, never ending noise, it slowly drives you mad. It would make a great form of torture. After six months of it, I would just like some quiet time.

That is exactly how I feel and mine are DS13 and DTD 10

I get up at 5 and start work, my husband gets up at at 7 and he's in charge of the children until 9 when he starts work. Then again on his lunch break for an hour., then at least half an hour when he finishes work most weekdays. And for some time at weekends.

And if I ask him to because I want to go and chat to my sister on the phone or something. And if I'm in the bath etc.

They're his children as well as mine and we both work full time.

Everyone needs time to themselves and some brain space. Get yours OP.

I get it too OP, mine are 10 & 12 and I’m looking forward to schools starting. They would laugh now at chores jars , but would have loved it a few years ago. I won’t allow them on screens all day but that does make it harder for us. All clubs have been cancelled, not seen school for months, no contact (apart from screens) with GPs (all abroad)..its tough on them and on us. No matter how independent they are, you can’t compare it to normal life. A few days peace and quiet would be v v welcome

I feel exactly the same op.

Mine are 9 and 12. My eldest is hard work...he argues with every single thing you say. He'd argue that black is white and white is black...he just wants to disagree for the sake of it. On top of that every single request is met with attitude. For example, can you get dressed before 11am...Can you come and sit at the table for lunch...responds by swearing and muttering. I'm in a constant cycle of punishment over it.

I can't fucking wait till school starts again

I have a two year old and a four year old and I burst into tears in the kitchen yesterday and couldn’t stop crying. The four year old was out of the room but the two year old came in and gave me a hug. I felt like the shittest parent ever.

It’s hard.

100% totally agree this has been the most stress inducing 6 months ever.

I realised today I haven’t been in the house alone since March. Driving to and from work is the only time I don’t have MUMMY ringing in my ears 24/7.

I’ve been teetering on the edge of losing it for a bit now; we’ve both been working dangerous front line shifts since March, we literally pass on the doorstep and hand over the childcare of the 3 kids to the poor sod who’s now got home. Plus I’d started a degree this year but jacked that in in May without even a moments thought. I know I can’t do this for much longer.

Oh and I second the idea of getting a student in to give you a break. I’ve had a wonderful young woman come in for a few afternoons a week for a couple of weeks now. I’m using the time to clear my parents’ house because my mum died during lockdown, so I’m not having a lovely time but it is a bit of a break from the DC.

Still crying in the kitchen yesterday, mind.

They would laugh now at chores jars , but would have loved it a few years ago.

And therein lies the crux of the issue - I have had systems in place for my DD like the chore jar/morning checklist etc for years which has instilled these things as the norm. So now, during covid I've just extrapolated those systems further (adding more activities to her morning checklist, adding more time intensive chores to the jar etc) to help keep some semblance of sanity.

Other people have had no systems in place because they have never needed them before due to school, extra currivulars, playdates and paid for activities and so now none of those are available the children are struggling with a lack of structure and ability to amuse themselves which is manifesting in a need for constant attention even when they're at an age where they should be fairly independent.

Some kids might just refuse the systems I use but there may be other systems that would work to keep them occupied if you need to get stuff done. It again also depends on the age of the children as to whether they will push back against having structure and systems put in place where they have never had them before.

I have been "lucky" I suppose in that DD spent a large chunk of time living with her dad during lockdown as he was WFH and I was still going out to work in my retail job for long hours, so he was dealing with the homeschool issues and I've only had the "usual" school holiday time to fill. But because we have standing rules/systems for holidays then DD has been in a routine which has definitely helped.

Thanks to the morning checklist my DD is usually occupied until just before lunchtime so her mornings are structured with her routine and then the afternoons are free to be more flexible to do different activities etc. Because DD only needs to be entertained from lunchtime onwards and is old enough to be told to entertain herself for a time if I am busy with something that is more important, it has definitely helped to keep the "I'm bored" and attention seeking behaviour at bay.

At least we're not alone.
I can see the parents breaking into dance routines when school opens.
I'm buying my cakes the night before the bakers will be packed that morning,
I'll be racing home to stuff my face in peace then I'm going to chill laid out on the sofa. Sweet thoughts there is light ahead.

OP, my two (6 and 12) were very much like this and did my head in until I wrote them a weekday holiday and school schedule.

Mine was quite prescriptive (as that gets the best results from my two) and gave suggestions for things to do. Rewards were tv or Wii and they only got these if they didn't bother me while I was working. This approach probably wouldn't work for younger children.

I wrote it out and put it on the wall. It broadly looked something like:

7 - up, wash face, get own breakfast, tidy breakfast, brush teeth
8 - 15 minute tidy of rooms
8.15 - school work/reading
9 - do something creative (painting, writing, drawing, piano)
9.30 - schoolwork/play outside
10.15 - morning tea (get own and tidy up)
10.45 - make or build something (baking, lego, craft) - and tidy up
11.30 - schoolwork/reading
12 - tv or Wii
12.30 - get own lunch and tidy up, put a load of laundry on
1 - walk or play outside (I often walked with them as I took a break at this time)
2 - schoolwork/something creative/listen to music
2.45 - 15 minute house tidy
3 - hang out laundry
3.30 - get and tidy up afternoon tea
4 - tv/screens if behaviour has been good enough
5 - help me cook dinner or free time

This saved my sanity.

And any whining immediately resulted in doing boring chores (which I hate) like cleaning the outside of the kitchen cupboards.