To ask how you keep Friendships after kids?

[Danni290]

I do not yet have kids. But most of my friends now do, and an ongoing problem is that I can’t seem to see them.

And if I do, the kids are there. Not just some of the time, or even half the time. All of the time.

I’m not expecting them to always leave their kids - but equally I’m not a massively kid person (as they were not before they had their own!) so I’m finding it difficult.

Any suggestions? Would it be reasonable to say something? Or just keep quiet and keep meeting up with them and their kids?

I’ve hinted to not bring the kids - like let’s have a girls meet and it just doesn’t happen. Their kids are aged between 1-4 so I appreciate they’re young but like I said I’m not expecting them to always leave them just perhaps one in three or four times we meet, as we only meet every few months as it is.

I probably sound selfish but, as cute as the kids are I just feel like didn’t sign up for this! Conversation just isn't the same.

AIBU?

If I AIBU (or not) - suggestion please?

Interesting thread and I'm sorry you're feeling lonely OP. At a mum to a small person I can see both sides. I do tend to meet a lot with friends with children so we can chat and the children play. If there was a large group of friends all with children wanting to meet child free it would be almost impossible, some have to catch up on work in the evenings, some have exercise classes for them and DH on different nights, some are breastfeeding and can't easily get away at bedtime etc etc I'm sure you know all the reasons and have heard them all. We find that if we are both home (DH and I ) we use that as a chance to do admin/clean etc as that's the only chance, one does jobs while the other minds the kids. As well as spend family time together. I'm trying to think of solutions, child free time tends to be at short notice ( and can equally get cancelled at short notice) so being flexible and available when you can and making sure they know that.
Can you go round after the kids have gone to bed with a bottle of wine/pizza/preferred vice? Although I find I'm shattered in the evenings and just want my bed.
Another option is maybe an exercise class? I know my friends and I have become interested in getting a bit fitter once the kids are a year or 2, when people pay for something in advance they tend to stick to it! Not the most exciting though.
Unfortunately the best chance of spending any time with them is joining any playdates or visiting during the day. Could you look up local attractions which you would like to see too?

Sorry for the essay and if I've repeated anything as scanned through some of the thread. Best wishes.

I don’t have kids and I see some friends every couple of months - it sounds like you’re expecting quite a lot from people who are adults with lives, whether or not they include children...

@minicat - I'm not expecting to see them any more regularly - I'm expecting to see them sometimes without their kids that is what the thread is about.

Also, I'm not talking about breastfed kids to some that mentioned this. These kids stopped being breastfed months ago.

It's extra difficult because my husband sees his friends probably three times a week. I'd say more than half of them have kids but somehow they work around it all. They're not the useless types either and do their fare share of daddy duties. It's just sad.

@cretelover thank you for your suggestions. I think going over when kids are in bed could work. Also just draining that I'm always putting in majority of effort. Honestly, when I have kids I will always be extra accommodating to those without becaseue it just sucks.

Your husband is seeing his friends a lot if they are adults with jobs and kids...

At the risk of stating the obvious you need to stop relying so much on one group for your social life. It’s time to spread your wings, join a running club or something and meet some new people. Obviously I’m not suggesting you drop your friends but you sound overly reliant on them and adults have lots going on in their lives, it’s better to have more and different people to call on.

[quote Danni290]@cretelover thank you for your suggestions. I think going over when kids are in bed could work. Also just draining that I'm always putting in majority of effort. Honestly, when I have kids I will always be extra accommodating to those without becaseue it just sucks. [/quote]
I know - I get you. You sound lovely. Please don't think I'm criticizing in the slightest and you have a very valid point but I don't think I appreciated before kids (and I've only one!) just how much they turn your life upside down, how relentless everything is and just how exhausting and how much of an effort everything is. We both normally work full time but have been on furlough and honestly we are as tired being "off" as working ridiculous as it sounds. ( I'm not for a second saying a stay at home parent is a easy ride but we have both been off!) The house gets in a mess constantly, cooking is something to be done as quickly as possible while using ipad as a babysitter. In theory one person should be able to watch DD while the other gets on with things but somehow this doesn't happen as she constantly flits between us while the other tries to restore order to the house! The only hope is going out somewhere while the other stays to catch up. It got us both really down over lockdown but we've accepted it now. I have no idea whether this is normal or not! I hadn't a clue before kids just how much of a complete life changer she would be, and I thought she would just fit in around my life. If I have any free time I slump in front of the tv for an hour, or have an early night. Sad thing is we are not particularly busy people (not many hobbies/commitments after work) Probably doesn't help that we are older parents.
I distinctly remember saying to someone that I couldn't understand how people spent all weekend doing what their children want to do, thinking they were spoiling them etc and how i wouldn't be like that. I cringe when I remember this. It is a million times easier to bring them to do stuff than stay in. I digress.
Anyway it's not about me, but finding solutions for you. I love the suggestion from a PP of coming round to play with the kids while the parents get dinner ready then staying after bedtime. Or if you're a good cook you could come make/bring dinner then stay. I'm sorry I know this is still you putting in the majority of effort on you, but if they are worth it they might do the same for you when your time comes?

I distinctly remember saying to someone that I couldn't understand how people spent all weekend doing what their children want to do, thinking they were spoiling them etc and how i wouldn't be like that. I cringe when I remember this. It is a million times easier to bring them to do stuff than stay in. I digress.

Tbh I have 2 children of 8 and 11 and I am still baffled by this. But the thing is that everyone is different and there is no right or wrong. I was back horse riding 4 weeks after having both of mine and both DH and I have both always had lives outside the house. But others make different choices/ find it easier in other ways. They have to be allowed to do this, but understand why the OP finds this frustrating, she may well be like me as a parent if she has children in the future.

Interesting suggestion about going round for a drink etc after the kids are in bed but I do get how relentless having small kids must be, I'd be worried I was intruding on the only childfree time the couple get together.

@Porridgeoat

Daytime can be awkward. However ask to meet one evening a fortnight without the children. Partners can do the bedtime routine in friends absence.

But my friend didn't ever want to miss bedtime, even with a hands on partner who was more than capable to do it. That was what hurt so much for me. Just no interest in me as a childfree friend now she was a mum.