To ask how you keep Friendships after kids?

[Danni290]

I do not yet have kids. But most of my friends now do, and an ongoing problem is that I can’t seem to see them.

And if I do, the kids are there. Not just some of the time, or even half the time. All of the time.

I’m not expecting them to always leave their kids - but equally I’m not a massively kid person (as they were not before they had their own!) so I’m finding it difficult.

Any suggestions? Would it be reasonable to say something? Or just keep quiet and keep meeting up with them and their kids?

I’ve hinted to not bring the kids - like let’s have a girls meet and it just doesn’t happen. Their kids are aged between 1-4 so I appreciate they’re young but like I said I’m not expecting them to always leave them just perhaps one in three or four times we meet, as we only meet every few months as it is.

I probably sound selfish but, as cute as the kids are I just feel like didn’t sign up for this! Conversation just isn't the same.

AIBU?

If I AIBU (or not) - suggestion please?

Another thing to keep in mind is to make sure you give plenty of notice. Some of my friends think I'm anal because I plan things weeks in advance but with DH and I both working, me studying, a toddler and a primary school aged child I have no choice! If we didn't meticulously update our shared Google calendar and think a few weeks ahead our lives would be chaos.

When I had my first baby there was one friend in particular who was always calling me saying "let's go out for drinks tonight!" or "that film we both wanted to see is showing in a couple of hours, let's go!" and then she'd get the hump when I couldn't do what she wanted as I needed time to organise a babysitter. She just couldn't get her head around the fact that all spontaneity had basically been erased from my life for a while and, as frustrating as that was for her, it was a lot harder me me to adjust to!

@OliviaBenson Yeah, I know. It's just so ungrateful. I think my friend just showed her true colours - self-centered. I'm sure if I got in touch when I have my baby she'd still expect me to fit in around her now 6 year old.

@hardbackwriter Thanks. She's just kept up with her mum friends. None of them went back to work, or worked part time so plenty of time to meet up with their kids all the time. Her partner was amazing, and from 18 months they had afternoons where it was just him and her, giving my friend time to do her own thing. So she did stuff with her mum friends. She goes out for drinks now, and still just with her mum friends.

@wigglerose I guess in that's case it's sad but she's ditched you for a shiny new group of friends, and that's not necessarily about her being a mum as such?

Incidentally I don't think a dad having his child on his own occasionally from 18 months (!) is 'amazing', I think it's the low end of standard!

Going out drinking in the evening is actually much better for me, but people sometimes just assume it won't be (to the point that I've sometimes not been invited) and I'm not that sure why.

I've spoken about evening meeting ups and the response I get is 'I'll be putting the little one to bed'

Also in response to some posts I wouldn't go as far as saying I don't like kids! I'm just not overly fussed by them and find it hard when they're around to have a good time! If they were my own kids I'd probably look past it, as I do plan on having my own. But they're not my kids - and I don't have any!

I also feel like soon as people have kids they almost forget they were once the same / they didn't care much for kids company either. At least my friends didn't.

I also feel like if I say come without the kids it sounds like I don't like their kids and that my request could be easily misunderstood.

I'm the childfree friend in a group of five good friends. I would say the biggest things are communication and compromise on both sides, especially when the children are very young.

With my friends, they are all keen for childfree time but the biggest difference between them has honestly been how supportive/willing their partner is to do their share. At both extremes, I have one friend who wears the trousers and just tells her husband when she's going out and it's his responsibility to sort out the kids. I have another friend who really struggles to get her partner to look after his own kids, to the point where now if she wants to come out with us she'll ask her mum to have them as she had to let us down last minute so many times.

And getting all the childcare aligned so that we can all meet, all five of us? Happens once a year if that.

It helps that we are all of an age where we don't really do mad partying and don't want to go out that often though.

To be honest, the biggest disagreements are between the mothers. There's usually a couple who really wants any meet to be childfree against the couple who say but it would be easier to find a date if we can bring the kids.

I stay out of it!

We do a bit of both, in practice. Usually in smaller groups.

Have you tried asking if they want to escape and meet for an early evening pub meal? I couldn't leave my kids for too long till they were 2+, but once they got to about a year, I could sneak out for 2 to 3 hours over lunchtime to meet a friend for a pub lunch on a weekend, then when they became better at going to bed and not waking too often, I could then meet friends at about 7 ish but would need to be about 9/10pm ready for them to wake.... But gosh, I love it when they get to that stage and I can meet my friends without kids in tow.

I've got the same circle of 6 friends I've had since before we started having children (first was born 7 years ago and they've been popping along since, I was the last to have one last year) at times it has been lonely, 3 of them had a baby within months of eachother and they're all at the same primary school, so they'd get together for play dates, that was lonely when I was on mat leave sat at home. But we've all had periods of loneliness, it is a case of acknowledging it ourselves and pulling eachother in.
Pre covid we had a monthly catch up at the pub, we'd get together no children no partners, just us, at the moment it's a quiz night over zoom. But we're lucky to have a friend who HATES being mummy and needs to socialise, without her it would be messages and children always about.

Have you tried asking if they want to escape and meet for an early evening pub?

Tried that and then last minute was asked if there's high chairs I'd organised?!!

I was like erm no as you never mentioned baby was coming! I gave up after that.

Sounds like they aren't going to meet child free then.. Which is quite common but I'm sure at some point once the youngest gets to school age, this will all change!!!
I actually feel deflated if my friends want to do a meet up with all our kids... I feel like we don't get to actually have a proper chat. But then I have 4 children so by the 3rd I was desperate for more child free time meeting friends once a month or so!

I think if u want to keep your friends you will.. have a friend who goes on like they newborns and not have stay long. When my son was 3 either had his dad or got a babysitter. Or we met earlier

I agree that it sounds like they just don't want to (or have shit partners so feel they can't) meet up child-free. I think you probably have to accept that and decide whether or not it means you want to expend less effort on these friendships; it's totally legitimate to feel that, actually, you won't bother with them so much if every meet-up is going to be dominated by small children.

I don't blame you at all - I'm at that stage (my dd is probably the youngest at 21/2) we always try to meet in the evenings - you just can't have a proper conversation with children around!!!

You don't have to see someone much to remain close friends. Having young kids is just a small patch of life where you cannot give others your time. Doesn't mean you don't care for them just as much. It helps if the timing of kids matches.

@Happyspud

You don't have to see someone much to remain close friends. Having young kids is just a small patch of life where you cannot give others your time. Doesn't mean you don't care for them just as much. It helps if the timing of kids matches.

True but in my experience it's not just seeing friends with children that's hard, it's everything. Phone calls, texts etc are much more infrequent. Again, in my case my old friend was saying she had no time to call or even text and yet I knew she was in constant contact with NCT friends and happy to nurture those friendships, remembering important dates for them etc. Me, I got very little.

I get it, kids, especially young ones, take up huge amounts of time and energy and you can't always sustain contact levels with others. But it's like mum friends drop off the face of the earth sometimes. It's nice they are in your thoughts, but to us childfree folk it can feel like you drop off the face of the earth!

Again, it's give and take on both sides to make it through the early years.

@OliviaBenson I do agree and I've had similar situations to how you've described in previous years. Those relationships have no chance of reconciliation

Having young kids is just a small patch of life where you cannot give others your time.

It depends what we mean by 'young kids' whether or not it's a small patch of life. If we're talking about newborns/little babies then absolutely. But some people are talking about not being able to go out without a three year old - given that most people have more than one child, that really isn't a short time. It isn't reasonable to disappear for half a decade and then expect your friends to be waiting for you at the other side.

I have kids and they are teens now. When they were little some friendships naturally waved as my friends that were childless found it hard work (and probably boring). My best friend at the time all but walked away from our friendship and though it was incredibly hurtful I kind of understand now.
I’m in a space now where I’ve done all the child things and have no desire to repeat them. My friends that have young children I tend to try and meet for dinner or weekend brunch when kids are with Dad because it’s stressful being with someone else’s kids, not being able to finish a conversation and the other person being so distracted etc.
Just arrange dinner or ask if the Dad/ partner can have them. I’m sure they can afford an hour or two once a month and if not, maybe it’s time to let the friendship naturally end

@danii920 I've had similar things happen with some friends who had kids. I don't think they grill other mums about the same things, but expect you to do all the legwork for them. Is it pushchair accessible, does it have high chairs or sofas? I don't know - ring the cafe or google it! I'd never say that though, I just check and let them know.

It's like some mums feel they've moved on, even if their friends without kids are trying to be as accommodating and understanding as possible. The friend that dropped me would say things in passing about having kids making you more mature or responsible. I remember one instance where I gave her directions with a reference to a pub that had a really distinctive front. I said something like, "the vegan cafe's up the lane next to the pub with the gargolyes on it opposite the station" and she was quick to say, "Ah, going out to pubs! That time of my life is over." Erm, ok.

It's like some mums feel they've moved on, even if their friends without kids are trying to be as accommodating and understanding as possible. The friend that dropped me would say things in passing about having kids making you more mature or responsible. I remember one instance where I gave her directions with a reference to a pub that had a really distinctive front. I said something like, "the vegan cafe's up the lane next to the pub with the gargolyes on it opposite the station" and she was quick to say, "Ah, going out to pubs! That time of my life is over." Erm, ok.

Yes this exactly.

I had a friend that I couldn’t say how busy I was at work without her saying “ah well being a mum is 24 hours a day”.

I outright refuse to go out to meals if friends bring their young kids along, I find it extremely annoying kids running around crying, screaming and some what uncontrollable, it ruins the meal for me personally, would rather go out by myself. If I had kids of my own and we all met up then fair enough, but as it is, not for me, you have a right to be selfish by not having to put up with someone else's kids, unfortunately you as a friend will likely die out as the contact becomes less and less and their children take up all their time, that is just the way it is unfortunately

I don’t think you’re selfish at all. I’m a mum of 2 in my 30s and often meet my friends without the kids -I’m not sure why your friends can’t leave their kids for one evening?

I've never understood giving up friendships because you have kids. I still went for nights out and weekends away when mine were small. I relished the time away to feel something other than 'mum'.

However, I do appreciate that DH was very hands on and we also had the money to do that, not loads by any means, but enough for the odd night out/weekend away.

I first left my twins with DH at 7 weeks to meet friends for dinner, it was bliss. I did miss them and worry about them as it was the first time but I think it did us all good.

And now they are teens, and doing their own thing, I'm very glad I've still got those close friendships.