To ask how you keep Friendships after kids?

[Danni290]

I do not yet have kids. But most of my friends now do, and an ongoing problem is that I can’t seem to see them.

And if I do, the kids are there. Not just some of the time, or even half the time. All of the time.

I’m not expecting them to always leave their kids - but equally I’m not a massively kid person (as they were not before they had their own!) so I’m finding it difficult.

Any suggestions? Would it be reasonable to say something? Or just keep quiet and keep meeting up with them and their kids?

I’ve hinted to not bring the kids - like let’s have a girls meet and it just doesn’t happen. Their kids are aged between 1-4 so I appreciate they’re young but like I said I’m not expecting them to always leave them just perhaps one in three or four times we meet, as we only meet every few months as it is.

I probably sound selfish but, as cute as the kids are I just feel like didn’t sign up for this! Conversation just isn't the same.

AIBU?

If I AIBU (or not) - suggestion please?

If you value these friendships be patient as the early years are so hard but don't last forever whereas a great friendship is worth holding out for.

I was one of those friends you describe and I am so grateful that I had a few friends that waited for me to come out of that haze. Now that my DC are 6 and 4 I have more flexibility and make a massive effort to make up for those years when I had to be the one that always turned up with a kid or very late or had to cancel at short notice.

It's hard and there needs to be give and take on both sides.

Some people just don't want to do anything outside of their children though. My oldest and closest friend did this, I'd be super flexible and always include their child but it was never enough. There was a change in her and she just didn't want to engage with me anymore no matter what. I've been replaced by her 'mum friends' and I'm not going to lie but it hurts. I guess the friendship wasn't what I thought. She was so wrapped up in it all she forgot a funeral of a close family member, just wasn't there for me and blamed 'mum brain'. That was when I realised how bad things were. I'm still grieving the friendship to be honest.

I'm more cautious now, I'll always be there for my mum friends and work around them but I expect some give back from them too. Luckily all my other ones seem more grounded and we do all sorts both with and without their children.

To be fair tooshy, I don’t think OP dislikes the children. But with the best will in the world, it’s difficult to have a proper chat with small children around.

And there is no reason the children can’t be left with their fathers.

I have a childfree friend who sometimes comes to mine late afternoon/early eve, I make dinner for us all and she helps by entertaining the kids, helps put them to bed, reading stories etc. The kids love her.

Then when they’re all in bed or my DH comes home, we either have drinks and a chat at my house or go out to a bar or restaurant either just the two of us or to meet other friends.

I’m usually spent after the marathon that is bedtime and hate socialising in the eve but it’s much easier with her help and a good compromise. I’m always amazed that she seems to genuinely enjoy it and I appreciate her help so much.

That’s how we’ve managed to stay friends.

Offer to come round in the evening with a bottle of wine. Your friend will feel happy and comfortable the kids are in bed upstairs and you can both catch up uninterrupted without the need for a babysitter.
Since I've had kids, I entertain at home all the time

Thanks all your responses are very useful x

Takeaway and wine at her house once the kids are asleep.

Honestly if I'm going to organise childcare, I'm going out with my husband. I don't want a boozy brunch because I don't want a hangover, lots of my friends don't have DC but they're also not against mine.
DH took DS to his mum's for the night recently and I was thinking about seeing if any friends were available for a drink, but actually I'm shattered and just enjoyed reading a book in peace. We're going out next weekend DH and me, my best friend and her husband, DS is being looked after by grandparents, that I'm really looking forward to and or friends have said they're disappointed but to be doing DS.
I work full time so when I'm off I prioritise my family, good friends understand that and enjoy being a part of it.

@Ahorsecalledseptember

To be fair tooshy, I don’t think OP dislikes the children. But with the best will in the world, it’s difficult to have a proper chat with small children around.

And there is no reason the children can’t be left with their fathers.

I'm gay so they can be left with their other mothers too😉. We have a pretty equal relationship but between both working, juggling three kids and trying to spend time with each other there isn't much leeway...

I agree, it is much more fun to see friends without my kids and with wine - unless they enjoy being round my kids. For example, my best friend from University is happily childfree but wants to come for a day out to the zoo or picnic on the beach. She engages with my kids and doesn't treat them like a slight inconvenience stopping her talking to her friend. I'm not saying OP does that, but it's maybe why this friendship survived the past decade when others haven't.

As my kids have got older and easier, then we go and do adult only stuff again... My kids also absolutely adore her...

My dc are 6 and 8. I have great friendships and haven't found it hard to maintain them. Several of my friends have remained childless

The best thing my friends did when my dc were tiny was fit in around me - they let me choose the time and place to meet up even if it wasn't the most convenient for them. This was usually dinner in the evening. We didn't usually meet up with my dc - it wouldn't have been enjoyable for me or my friends as I couldn'thave a conversation andpay attention to my dc. In return, I did not let friends down, made sure I was good company (did not talk about the kids too much) and I found the money to go out and see them. I won't forget how thoughtful they were.

@Whybirdwhy that’s lovely we do that with a couple of friends for for a few years. If there’s on or two your closer to OP this is nice.

Doesn't really work if there’s a group of you though. Are they all working op, is there an easy location where you could all do a dinner straight from work, that’s another option, I often do that with friends who work in the same city as me, we’re normally all back home by 8.

YABU but, totally understand your position. It's very hard to leave young children however if you're arranging to meet of an evening then that should be pretty easy!?

I've enjoyed the escape to see friends without the children but, it's very limited. They are too little for us to keep leaving them plus with who?? Elderly GP or a paid sitter? Neither is ideal often.

So, I think it's totally ok for you to arrange a night out child free but it's also ok for then to bring their kids when it's less formal.

YANBU. Being honest but l got bored of having to be the friend of some people with children. For some was like an unwritten rule, that l had to always do what suited them and make all the effort e.g. location, date, time etc and if l expressed any kind of preference then l was being selfish.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to come without their kids. Are you planning one to one things or big group things? If it's one to one then you could just arrange something with that particular friend that is clearly just the two of you. "Do you fancy watching the exorcist at the cinema next week.followed by cocktails?"
If it's a group you run the risk that one will say "I'm bringing Freddy along" and everyone else will follow suit. I would think, "If Freddy's coming then what is the point in me being child free as there will still be a child there to deal with"

YANBU. I do have a toddler and almost always see my friends without him there (he has a dad!) and I find it really annoying when other people then bring theirs. It completely changes the dynamic. I also think it's much nicer for DS to be at home with DH than dragged to an adult gathering where I spend the whole time going 'shhh, mummy's talking'.

Also if the kids come the conversation tends to revolve around them and this can be boring for the ones who don’t have any!

I was also struggling to conceive (and in fact never did) when many of my friends had young children which made it difficult. It’s easier now the children are older.

I really struggled to maintain my friendships after I had children.

Breastfeeding is heavily promoted, however if your child is breastfed it ties you to bedtime if they won't take a bottle. I also had poor sleepers who woke every hour for the first 8 months of life and didn't sleep through the night until age 3! I was on my knees with tiredness/ juggling house/ work/baby.

My DH was also not confident meaning id come hoome to a stressed out dh and very clingy children. No family to help out so its a constant tag team between me and DH.

It sounds really harsh, but unfortunately friends are often the compromise in those early years. unless you have hands on grand parents who take the children often it's very difficult. It felt like survival! That's not to say I don't miss my friends loads. I still text and call but just can't get out along easily. Much to my own sadness!

Some women do a complete u-turn after they have kids and only want to be friends and hang out with their mum friends, no matter how accommodating their friends without kids try to be and how long they've been friends.
Sorry but it's true. Happened to me. Got ditched by a friend for all her new mum friends she met at NCT.
I tried so hard so be a good friend. I arranged for us to meet up where her kid could be entertained (like cafes with a play area for kids, museums with bits for kids and so on), made sure when she was breastfeeding that there was a sofa. We only met up during the day at times that were convenient for her. It wasn't like I was inviting her and her kid to knife-throwing classes or on endless binge drinking nights out.
She still ditched me. She never invited me anywhere, and if she arranged to do anything it was midweek when I was working. I even missed out on an invitation to a life event for her because it was midweek.
It hurt. I'm still hurt.

As a parent, I do not like hanging out with other people's little kids, give them to the dad for a couple of hours!

@wigglerose

Some women do a complete u-turn after they have kids and only want to be friends and hang out with their mum friends, no matter how accommodating their friends without kids try to be and how long they've been friends. Sorry but it's true. Happened to me. Got ditched by a friend for all her new mum friends she met at NCT. I tried so hard so be a good friend. I arranged for us to meet up where her kid could be entertained (like cafes with a play area for kids, museums with bits for kids and so on), made sure when she was breastfeeding that there was a sofa. We only met up during the day at times that were convenient for her. It wasn't like I was inviting her and her kid to knife-throwing classes or on endless binge drinking nights out. She still ditched me. She never invited me anywhere, and if she arranged to do anything it was midweek when I was working. I even missed out on an invitation to a life event for her because it was midweek. It hurt. I'm still hurt.

I feel the same and that's exactly my experience. It's horrible. for you.

@wigglerose

Some women do a complete u-turn after they have kids and only want to be friends and hang out with their mum friends, no matter how accommodating their friends without kids try to be and how long they've been friends. Sorry but it's true. Happened to me. Got ditched by a friend for all her new mum friends she met at NCT. I tried so hard so be a good friend. I arranged for us to meet up where her kid could be entertained (like cafes with a play area for kids, museums with bits for kids and so on), made sure when she was breastfeeding that there was a sofa. We only met up during the day at times that were convenient for her. It wasn't like I was inviting her and her kid to knife-throwing classes or on endless binge drinking nights out. She still ditched me. She never invited me anywhere, and if she arranged to do anything it was midweek when I was working. I even missed out on an invitation to a life event for her because it was midweek. It hurt. I'm still hurt.

Sadly, this is true - and I'm sorry you were hurt by it. The really foolish thing is that so many women do this for friends that turn out to be very temporary. I did spend a lot of time with antenatal friends on mat leave (during the week, when all my other friends were at work!) but two years on we exchange the occasional WhatsApp and meet up every few months at that - it really fizzled out once nearly everyone had gone back to work. It is nice to have people to talk babies with when you're really in the thick of it, but I found that, once we were past the stage where we wanted to talk endlessly about feeding/sleep, we didn't actually have that much in common.

My one tip would be not to assume what is and isn't more 'suitable' for a friend with small children. I find my friends without children often think that brunch is a great option because it's daytime so I could bring DS along - but I don't want to bring him to a two hour adult meal (he's fairly well behaved in restaurants but it takes a lot of effort from me and so I don't get focused adult conversation), and going without him means losing the best part of a weekend day with him. Going out drinking in the evening is actually much better for me, but people sometimes just assume it won't be (to the point that I've sometimes not been invited) and I'm not that sure why.

I've never understood this. I have kids and am always delighted to get invites that were just for me without them a day/night at home with daddy does us all good. Obvs I appreciate this would not work for single parents!

You could ask - I'd love to see you without the little ones, is that possible? Then you would hopefully get to the heart of the problem! FWIW I'm still friends with all of my pre-children friends and we meet up without LO, 2 years old, often. I just tell DH I'm going out on Saturday afternoon, it's not difficult!

I used meet my friend for cinema out early home early. Maybe cost of night out and factor in a babysitter too. Can the dads not help?! Hard to say. I felt it was good to get out