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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it fair to ban someone from my house?

84 replies

Averyslover · 18/08/2020 20:38

It’s an in-laws one. Dh and I have been together nearly 30 years. Our children are 20,18 and 16. Dh has a brother with one child 20 and a sister with two children 20 and 18.

Over the years my relationship with in laws has been fine. Always polite, never a crossed word. We aren’t the closest but I have been there when they have needed us. But they have always treated the grandchildren different. His brother and sisters children have always had more. Think mine get a selection box and £10 in a card at Christmas and the other grandchildren have had consoles. His brother and sister are good earners as far as I can tell but we have never discussed earnings so I don’t know their financial situation.

We live 30 minutes from then where the others live on the same street so they obviously see them more.

For every grandchild’s 18th birthday the grandparents have presented them with a trust fund. I don’t know the amount in them but it’s enough for them to get on the property ladder, have a good holiday and buy a nice car. My children have never had this. I was fuming over it and asked Dh to talk to them but he refused. My children were a gutted they didn’t get this for their 18th. They have seen their grandparents give them to the others so they expected it. Not right I know but I understand why they were expecting it.

It’s come to a head this week. Last week was the Alevel results. My 18 year old was one of the ones to be caught out in the algorithm and lost her place at uni. In-laws wrote a massive rant on Facebook about the cock up and said how much it had messed up my nephews future. No mention of dd. They haven’t even called to see how dd got on. This is the final straw for me.
I have told Dh that they are no longer welcome in my home. He doesn’t agree. His argument all along has been it’s up to the in-laws what they do with their money (and rightly so) and our children will realise that their grandparents aren’t interested so it will be the in-laws who will miss out in the long run. I get what he’s saying but I feel that they obviously do not give a hoot about any of us so why should I allow them in my home? I haven’t said that he should cut contact at all as it isn’t my place to say that but they are not welcome here. This house is half mine and I would never invite someone here if Dh asked me not to. If he wants to visit them then he can but I won’t be joining him. I do not want to spend time with anyone who can’t be bothered with us.

I fee that DH should have mentioned something years ago but he feels like it would of been begging for money. My children have never gone without but it’s a kick in the teeth that their cousins are getting on the property ladder courtesy of grandparents when ours aren’t. We certainly can’t afford to give them deposits.

Aibu?

OP posts:
roxfox · 18/08/2020 20:42

Seems like there are a lot of shitty grandparents today. Cut them off! Say something. Start jokey and get serious.... oh you did x for such and such but not y. Confront them gently but in a way that they know.

Although, the ship has sailed. You've waited a bit too long I'm afraid.

LadyofTheManners · 18/08/2020 20:49

Fuck DH saying not to ask them. Damn right I would.
"Is there any particular reason you treat my children so deliberately and openly different to your other grandchildren?"
Sorry but that's well off.
I had to have similar convo with my sister in law. Constantly had her mates child over for weekends to let them have peace, even took him on holiday. No relation at all, not her godchild. My kids? Her actual niece and nephew? God the grief I would get asking her to have them for a fucking evening. I was lucky if I persuaded her once a year. Genuinely asked her if they were little bastards for her since she seemed far more interested in not related child than her actual related niece and nephew. I think the embarrassment was enough that she actually had them a few times after that without having to be begged to. Lasted about 3 years and then she went back to being an ignorant old cow again but my kids now can't be arsed with her and at family gatherings are deliberately cool towards her whilst being lovely to everyone else. They're old enough to realise now without me pointing it out and DH allows it.

MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 20:49

@Averyslover this would be family if we were better off!!! My in laws have treated my dc like second class grandchildren since day 1! We are now very LC, kids are now teens who can see the disparity themselves but seem ok with it.

My DH has tried and failed. I’ve mostly accepted it but had started a ranty thread on here last night and feel much better!

My pil will never be welcomed into my home again (haven’t been over my door in years) and my DH goes to theirs when necessary for him.

I know it’s easy to say it’s their loss and it totally is but it’s still upsetting to see your babies treated in such a shitty way!

Love to you Flowers

1Morewineplease · 18/08/2020 20:53

Surely it’s not up to just you if your in-laws visit or not?
I fully appreciate that your family feels hurt by your in-law’s inconsistencies regarding financial affairs, but to cut them off makes you seem spiteful and possibly a bit grabby.

What is your financial situation compared to your partner’s siblings? You say they’re good earners but do they earn more than you?
What is your relationship like with your in-laws?

I think there’s more to this than meets the eye.

mummyof4kids · 18/08/2020 20:55

Had the same thing a few years back with my now ex's parent.
For years my kids were treated differently but one day I'd had enough. Told them I was sick of it and they were no longer welcome in my home.
To this day they haven't seen my kids, they're older now and remember bring treated differently, I've told them if they want contact with their GP that's fine but they don't.
Put your foot down and stick up for your kids x

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/08/2020 21:04

Appalling treatment by the grandparents.

One thing I was wondering - do they think you're rolling in it? Assuming you're not draping yourself over a yacht in a swanky harbour in photographic pics..??

My point is... Some people make all sorts of completely off the wall assumptions about someone's income, that often have very little basis in reality?

Still rubbish of them not to check this out with you?...

Or they're just shitty people who think it's OK to treat kids so differently.

I would be very very direct with them. I would absolutely sit down with them... And see if they squirm... Granny and grandad. You seem to like /love the kids... So why are you treating them so differently?

And just see what they see/do...

Your poor kids.

I don't think you have anything to lose... And it may,,, just may be an explanation you haven't considered.

Original poster
Averyslover · 18/08/2020 21:06

@1Morewineplease

Surely it’s not up to just you if your in-laws visit or not? I fully appreciate that your family feels hurt by your in-law’s inconsistencies regarding financial affairs, but to cut them off makes you seem spiteful and possibly a bit grabby.

What is your financial situation compared to your partner’s siblings? You say they’re good earners but do they earn more than you?
What is your relationship like with your in-laws?

I think there’s more to this than meets the eye.

There isn’t more to this than meets the eye unless something happened when my husband was a lot younger. We have always got on okay. I have invited them to Christmas every year but they have always gone to their other children’s. When father in law was poorly I helped mil as much as I could with taking her to visit him and helping her with his care after.

As for the financial situation compared to his brother and sister I don’t know. From the outside we have similar homes, holidays, cars. No one seems to be more wealthy than the others. Obviously I don’t know their exact finances.

It’s not about them not giving them money it’s that they obviously don’t care for my children like they do for their other grandchildren.

OP posts:
DimidDavilby · 18/08/2020 21:07

Is your husband the less-liked child? Still wanting their approval? He needs to grow up and choose his kids.

Chloemol · 18/08/2020 21:07

@1Morewineplease

You are wrong she is not spiteful or grabby, she is doing what every decent mother would do and protect her children from grandparents who think it’s acceptable to treat the grandchildren in such a different manner, causing them hurt

I am sorry you can’t see that

Brefugee · 18/08/2020 21:10

to cut them off makes you seem spiteful

bollocks - the GPs are being spiteful here.

1Morewineplease · 18/08/2020 21:12

Have you actually spoken to your parents in law about this?
Grandparents don’t generally differentiate between their grandchildren, particularly in matters of trust funds.

Pyjamaface · 18/08/2020 21:18

YANBU

DP knows that his father will never step foot in our home. He's a total twat, alcoholic, threatened to smack then 18 month old DS and threatened to throw a kitten across a room. I left and have not set eyes on him since.

DP can have his own relationship with the man, I am not involved in it and neither is DS

AnneElliott · 18/08/2020 21:20

I don't think I'd ban them but I would no longer make any effort at all. Leave it all to your DH and go out if they decide they're coming over.

Can't understand how GPs can treat their grandchildren so differently.

Reluctantcavedweller · 18/08/2020 21:21

YANBU. If the GPs really have treated your DC as unequally as this, I wouldn't bother with them in future.

I don't think you can ban your DH from having them in the house, but I certainly wouldn't bother "entertaining" them when they come or force the DC to.

Theforest · 18/08/2020 21:22

I can't see why your DH doesn't ask them why

Areyouquitesure · 18/08/2020 21:23

I'd have asked years ago and without a satisfactory answer I would have cut them off

It's NOT ok to choose to favour with no reason one set of grandchildren over the other

I can't believe neither of you have said anything ShockConfused

Original poster
Averyslover · 18/08/2020 21:25

I haven’t spoken to them. I realise now I should of over the years. I never wanted to come across as grabby, like I said my children haven’t gone without at all. I didn’t want to rock the boat as such. And also I didn’t feel it was my place to. If it was my parents I wouldn’t expect my husband to speak to them about it it would be down to me.

It’s not even the money, my kids will work for everything they have. It’s the alevels that have tipped me, it’s just so obvious they don’t care. Dd was so upset last week and then her grandparent posts something that excluded a her.

OP posts:
BIRDSbirds · 18/08/2020 21:25

Fine for you to go NC but I dont think you can ban them from your house. However you can tell DH they are not to come over when you are there.

I'd be pissed off too but I'd expect more support from DH.

NewnameOldposter · 18/08/2020 21:25

@Averyslover if your husband won't agree with them not coming into your home, then I'd vote with your feet. By that I mean anytime they are coming over, you leave.
Not ideal of course, but it would make a point. Even better if your children did the same.

Blankblankblank · 18/08/2020 21:27

In-laws wrote a massive rant on Facebook about the cock up and said how much it had messed up my nephews future. No mention of dd

Why didn’t you comment “your granddaughter was doing A levels too”?.

I couldn’t have stopped myself in your shoes. Then, when they kicked off about being publicly shamed, I could have brought up how very differently they treat them & mentioned Christmas & trust funds. Awful to treat the, so differently.

Who is the oldest out of DH & his siblings?

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 18/08/2020 21:28

Dh is probably mortified to know that they don't a shit about his kids. Very sad for him to realize this.
If they actually notice you aren't around and ask why I don't think I'd wait for Dh to say something I'd say how hurtful it is to Dh and to their grandchildren how little they care about them. How they openly favour the other grandchild and your kids are also sick of it all being rubbed in their faces.

CrotchetyQuaver · 18/08/2020 21:31

i wouldn't actually ban them as such. if they turn up on a state visit i'd ask them outright why the 4 grandchildren are not treated equally and yours are very obviously the non chosen ones. i'd call them out on it and then just make them very unwelcome from that point on. i'm sorry to say i think your DH has been weak in not challenging the unequal treatment before now.

Frannibananni · 18/08/2020 21:36

I would say something to them tbh. They have treated your children appallingly, even if they hate you there is no reason to be like that to your children.

gamerchick · 18/08/2020 21:36

When father in law was poorly I helped mil as much as I could with taking her to visit him and helping her with his care after

Stop doing this. It's not about money, or favouritism or anything like that. They take your bloke utterly for granted and trust me, when they're elderly and you're doing the majority of donkey work they won't be grateful or thank you for it. It'll be expected.

Just stop. No more support be polite if you have to. Tell them nothing and support your bloke when he's ready to face being the none favoured kid. You don't have to host them even if they're there.

macaroniinapot · 18/08/2020 21:40

Is it possible they have helped your DH out massively in a financial sense? So they are giving the other family the same just in a different way?

It doesn't make it fair or explain the other things but it would make sense that he wouldn't want to raise it, as he would know why.