Is it fair to ban someone from my house?

[Averyslover]

It’s an in-laws one. Dh and I have been together nearly 30 years. Our children are 20,18 and 16. Dh has a brother with one child 20 and a sister with two children 20 and 18.

Over the years my relationship with in laws has been fine. Always polite, never a crossed word. We aren’t the closest but I have been there when they have needed us. But they have always treated the grandchildren different. His brother and sisters children have always had more. Think mine get a selection box and £10 in a card at Christmas and the other grandchildren have had consoles. His brother and sister are good earners as far as I can tell but we have never discussed earnings so I don’t know their financial situation.

We live 30 minutes from then where the others live on the same street so they obviously see them more.

For every grandchild’s 18th birthday the grandparents have presented them with a trust fund. I don’t know the amount in them but it’s enough for them to get on the property ladder, have a good holiday and buy a nice car. My children have never had this. I was fuming over it and asked Dh to talk to them but he refused. My children were a gutted they didn’t get this for their 18th. They have seen their grandparents give them to the others so they expected it. Not right I know but I understand why they were expecting it.

It’s come to a head this week. Last week was the Alevel results. My 18 year old was one of the ones to be caught out in the algorithm and lost her place at uni. In-laws wrote a massive rant on Facebook about the cock up and said how much it had messed up my nephews future. No mention of dd. They haven’t even called to see how dd got on. This is the final straw for me.
I have told Dh that they are no longer welcome in my home. He doesn’t agree. His argument all along has been it’s up to the in-laws what they do with their money (and rightly so) and our children will realise that their grandparents aren’t interested so it will be the in-laws who will miss out in the long run. I get what he’s saying but I feel that they obviously do not give a hoot about any of us so why should I allow them in my home? I haven’t said that he should cut contact at all as it isn’t my place to say that but they are not welcome here. This house is half mine and I would never invite someone here if Dh asked me not to. If he wants to visit them then he can but I won’t be joining him. I do not want to spend time with anyone who can’t be bothered with us.

I fee that DH should have mentioned something years ago but he feels like it would of been begging for money. My children have never gone without but it’s a kick in the teeth that their cousins are getting on the property ladder courtesy of grandparents when ours aren’t. We certainly can’t afford to give them deposits.

Aibu?

Your husband sounds like part of the problem to be honest.

It’s got to the point where you currently have one upset daughter and your husband still isn’t sticking up for her.
He’s normalising being treated so shitly and lowering the bar of tolerance of what your daughter will consider normal/ forgivable- it’s a dangerous game.

I get where you’re coming from and understand your frustration. I wouldn’t block them from the house but perhaps choose not to be around if they visit.
Is their relationship with the others particularly close? Maybe due to being so close? It wouldn’t excuse their behaviour but maybe a contributory factor. My mind would go to the idea that their finances are maybe worse than you think and rather than give it to the parents they have given it to the children as that’s where they think it’s needed. As for the Facebook thing that may have been an oversight or she might have thought you would feel she was latching on to your family and that would be unwanted?
I realise it sounds like I’m trying to find excuses but I’m actually just trying to think of reasons for their actions as most people don’t act so unreasonable to grandchildren

Me and my siblings have always been treated differently to my cousins.

In the same way your children are.

Its shit, I've always known.
My Dm has always been furious that my Dm wont just tell his Dp the hurt this has caused.
My Dm and my DG, have zero relationship, my Dm hates DG.

Im over it.DG wont ever change, pointless wasting my energy

I would absolutely sit down with them... And see if they squirm... Granny and grandad. You seem to like /love the kids... So why are you treating them so differently?

I think you need to do this. They have behaved disgracefully, and it seems inexplicable. I can’t imagine what excuse they could come up with, but asking gently could be your best chance of getting an explanation.

Desr God, they don't sound like nice people at all! Completely understand your feelings. I'd just cut contact & let your hubby have whatever relationship he chooses with them. I'd certainly not want them in my home. If they ask, I'd be completely blunt & tell them. I also think your kids are old enough to be told the facts & let them decide too. Well done for 'rising above' - not sure I'd be able to be as dignified about it as you are! Absolutely their loss. Don't let them take up any more of your headspace - they're definitely not worth it. Out of interest, do you get on with BIL/SIL & have you ever had a conversation with them about the blatant disparity between the grandchildren? Are they aware? What do they think about it? Are they nice & interested in your kids?

@SonEtLumiere

In-laws wrote a massive rant on Facebook about the cock up and said how much it had messed up my nephews future. No mention of dd

I’m sort of with them on this. You are ascribing reasons to your daughter being left out. Maybe they find you a bit “tricky” or “difficult” and feel that maybe it is better to say nothing rather than airing your news without permission.

With the money, on the face of it. It’s a bit shit. Maybe use it to feel righteous anger and drive.

But if they felt they couldn't share information about the OP's daughter, then they could have worded their post neutrally, expressing sympathy for all A level students.

I don't think it is unreasonable for Averyslover's children to have assumed they would have had similar presents to their cousins when they reached 18. However, as the comments here suggest there are different views about mentioning this, it might be easier to start with the Facebook comment about which there is much more agreement that it is unfair.

My in laws have never shown any interest in my DC. No other grandchildren but more interested in the neighbours. It's now my adult DD that wants nothing to do with them. It's too late now. Do I wish I'd said something years ago? I'm not sure really. It would only have been a forced relationship - you can't make someone care.

We see his parents once a week/once a fortnight. His siblings are there most days for dinner.

That pretty much sums it up, the other grandchildren are obviously much closer. I’m not saying you have to be round every 5 minutes, but clearly they’re far more involved with them day to day.

I was going to ask if they were favouring their daughter’s dc, but I think what you wrote above is key.

I think you are perfectly within your rights to withdraw from them but I would definitely let them know why. Otherwise they could spin it that they have no idea why you have gone low contact and are hurt and bewildered by your actions rather than the other way around.

Do your DH’s siblings not notice the inequality? Are they angry about it (they bloody well should be) or are they quite happy for the status quo to be maintained (which is what I suspect, in which case, they should be ashamed of themselves).