Is it fair to ban someone from my house?

[Averyslover]

It’s an in-laws one. Dh and I have been together nearly 30 years. Our children are 20,18 and 16. Dh has a brother with one child 20 and a sister with two children 20 and 18.

Over the years my relationship with in laws has been fine. Always polite, never a crossed word. We aren’t the closest but I have been there when they have needed us. But they have always treated the grandchildren different. His brother and sisters children have always had more. Think mine get a selection box and £10 in a card at Christmas and the other grandchildren have had consoles. His brother and sister are good earners as far as I can tell but we have never discussed earnings so I don’t know their financial situation.

We live 30 minutes from then where the others live on the same street so they obviously see them more.

For every grandchild’s 18th birthday the grandparents have presented them with a trust fund. I don’t know the amount in them but it’s enough for them to get on the property ladder, have a good holiday and buy a nice car. My children have never had this. I was fuming over it and asked Dh to talk to them but he refused. My children were a gutted they didn’t get this for their 18th. They have seen their grandparents give them to the others so they expected it. Not right I know but I understand why they were expecting it.

It’s come to a head this week. Last week was the Alevel results. My 18 year old was one of the ones to be caught out in the algorithm and lost her place at uni. In-laws wrote a massive rant on Facebook about the cock up and said how much it had messed up my nephews future. No mention of dd. They haven’t even called to see how dd got on. This is the final straw for me.
I have told Dh that they are no longer welcome in my home. He doesn’t agree. His argument all along has been it’s up to the in-laws what they do with their money (and rightly so) and our children will realise that their grandparents aren’t interested so it will be the in-laws who will miss out in the long run. I get what he’s saying but I feel that they obviously do not give a hoot about any of us so why should I allow them in my home? I haven’t said that he should cut contact at all as it isn’t my place to say that but they are not welcome here. This house is half mine and I would never invite someone here if Dh asked me not to. If he wants to visit them then he can but I won’t be joining him. I do not want to spend time with anyone who can’t be bothered with us.

I fee that DH should have mentioned something years ago but he feels like it would of been begging for money. My children have never gone without but it’s a kick in the teeth that their cousins are getting on the property ladder courtesy of grandparents when ours aren’t. We certainly can’t afford to give them deposits.

Aibu?

Is your DH perhaps not his father’s son or something like that?

Do they dislike you?
Is someone adopted?
Is someone the product of an affair?
Are your ils in masses of debt?
Do your ils have an abusive partner?
Are they just odd?

Anyone else getting vibes like DH knows exactly why they're being like this? Is he actually their child? Is he the outcome of an affair so unliked by FIL but all kept quiet for appearance sake?
I just don't get why, financially stable or otherwise, they would be so dismissive of his children. Look at the A level thing? The blatant disregard for her wellbeing?
There's definitely something weird going on that you're not aware of.

YANBU OP. I wouldn’t blame you for banning them from the house but in your position I’d let my children decide what contact they have going forwards. Why would they want to spend time with grandparents who treat them so differently and pay such little interest in their lives?

[quote Chloemol]@1Morewineplease

You are wrong she is not spiteful or grabby, she is doing what every decent mother would do and protect her children from grandparents who think it’s acceptable to treat the grandchildren in such a different manner, causing them hurt

I am sorry you can’t see that[/quote]
I’m merely wondering why this scenario has developed. It would be great, in this particular one-sided case to know what the in-laws’ view was.
I fully appreciate that the majority of posts are one-sided on MN but this particular post smacks of jealousy.
The other children get so much more like consoles yet OP’s children get selection boxes.
Other grandchildren get money to set them up yet OP’s don’t.
The OP hasn’t given any indication of any untoward incidences other than blatant discrimination.

I have not suggested, at all, that the OP is anything other than a deeply loving , caring and protective parent.
I merely suggested, based on this one-sided post that complaining about not getting as much as other grandchildren might come across as grabby.

I’m sorry that you can’t see that.

Not only do you have a GP problem, you also have a DH problem.

Why has he been okay with the fact that his OWN CHILDREN have been so badly sidelined by his parents? I can understand it being awkward to raise, but surely it's up to him to say something - and he hasn't?

Would they even realise that you had banned them from your house if they are so disinterested?

I know it's not about the money OP and definitely not sticking up for your in-laws -they sound terrible.

My cousin's in-laws were the same and it turned out when she split from her DH, they had financed a lot of big things for her DH - his half of the deposit for their house, cars, huge gambling debt, without her knowing - that they considered his portion and their children's portion of the inheritance spent so were spending equal amounts on everyone else and other GC. I doubt that's the case in your situation.

And it's Still a shitty thing to do imo especially when all GC see is them being treated differently.

Sorry your DC have to go through this. If it helps I'm NC with GP and unclea and aunts whi were c*nts to my mum for sport. Children see these things and don't forget.

Before you ban them from your home, its fair and reasonable for them to know why. I think you should explain to them how hurt you are, on behalf of your children, that they're treated so differently. Share with them the pain they've caused their grandchildren, and the frustration it has brought as a result. The consequential tensions between cousins will only grow and theyve created this situation which needs to be addressed. Ask them why they've behaved the way they have.

Are your kids friends with their cousins? Can they find out what the actual deal is?

I think if the differences between the gifts is trust fund sized then I think it IS about the money.

Could you or your husband accidentally done something?
Did your kids write thank you letters when they were little?
Did you always give presents to your in-laws
Did they give any money to your husband when he was younger?
Is your family (parents?) very wealthy?
Does your SIL and BIL have partners?

Are you absolutely sure they haven't already given DH his share of the cash? Maybe bailed him out in his younger years?

Otherwise, I think their behaviour is really out of order. There shouldn't be any difference in how their GC are treated.

I would disengage, although I would have to say something about the A levels beforehand, mentioning the obvious difference in treatment of the kids. I'd have to get it off my chest i think.

I think that I would be inclined to go out with the children, or get them to go out while you are out, next time you know they are coming over, so that the only person at home would be your spineless husband.

Just ask them ...I've learnt over the years just be honest before you over think and eats you up even more x

YANBU. My DDs are younger than yours but there is clear favouritism of my SIL's son over our kids, and I know how much it stings to watch your kids always be treated as second best.

Embarrass them. Call them out on their Facebook post asking if they have forgotten about their granddaughter too?

If it was me, and I have been in a similar situation, I would stop doing things for them. If they need help then the other two siblings can take a turn. Be polite to them at social/family events but don’t invite them to anything or to your house. Eventually they might get the message and if they don’t they might ask you and your partner what’s up. Then you have an opportunity to say your piece. The alternative is to write a letter - that can work in your favour as it takes away the worry of literally facing them and you can gather your thoughts and put a well constructed letter together rather than letting things become hot headed and it turning into an argument.

Well in their dotage they can pay for their own care or get a sub off other dgc.
Yanbu to tell dh he is a spineless git imo. Allowing his dc to be treated second rate is disgusting...

I would just ask them why

Yanbu. But a dh wants to invite them and it is his house too I would not stop him. I would want notice so I could be else where and I would tell dh that is me keeping the peace rather than confronting them. Then just let it go.

Don't ignore them to punish them or upset them or to start a conversation on it just to move on from it.

Maybe they find you a bit “tricky” or “difficult” and feel that maybe it is better to say nothing rather than airing your news without permission.

They couldn't air it anyway as they hadn't bothered asking what her results were.

If there is nothing more to it than you have said then yes it's super shit behaviour.

We have similar in my family with my parents. Favour some GC over others (me and mine are in the 'not favoured' group along with my DSis and her DCs). Growing up we always knew we were least favourite (we used to joke about vying for bottom spot). Her response was to be the most high flying finance related person possible to win DF's favour with his finance background. My response is to ignore their opinions of me and do what makes me happy. I love my life and reading Toxic Parents (recommended by MN) made me finally accept it was them not me.

I guess your moment was A Levels (rather than trust funds) and that shows it really is about fairness not money. If you do have it out with them inequality of treatment is very clear here. I wouldn't want them in my house making my kids feel bad. My parents only come when they invite themselves and I ask nothing in return. They spend the whole time telling me how wonderful their other GC are rather than asking after mine. Or I'll say 'DC did this' and they'll say 'oh GC did this with bells on'. So I don't share any information any more. I don't want it 'bettered' by another GC. My DC are brilliant. I don't need to hear how much more brilliant their cousins are. I don't care. I care about my DC.

Do you give a crap if they come in your house when you're not there? You could just go out if they come to visit.

They do sound really nasty, very deliberately financially favouring other GC over your dc.

If your dh invites them over still I’d make sure I was out for the day....every time. You don’t have to be in contact with them even if he chooses to.

There's definitely something weird going on that you're not aware of.

Likely, but the most banal and commonest story of them all is the more plausible. There doesn't need to have been an affair/history of DH being bailed out in the past, etc, for there to be that age-old scapegoat versus golden-child dynamic. It's one of the unhealthiest family dynamics of the lot, and sadly one of the most common. An interesting thing about it is also that it almost always extends to the children of said golden-child/scapegoat.

Your DH has taken on the latter mantle, which will be a painful reality for him to confront once he finally faces it. His desire to kowtow to his parents to win their approval (which he'll sadly never get) suggests he's still in thrall to the dynamic and enmeshed in what the psychologists call the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). That fog will have to clear for him to see the truth of the way things are, and for some people that day never arrives during the toxic parents' lifetime.

The only choice for you personally to make here is to step back completely from this situation. Drop the rope. Leave the management of the relationship entirely to DH. I think you'd be wise to encourage your children to do likewise, unless it's too late and that ship has already sailed. For them to also be treated as scapegoats-by-proxy, for reasons they don't even understand, is very cruel and unfair on them.

I'm sorry your children are in this situation, OP. It's very hurtful for any mother