Is it fair to ban someone from my house?

[Averyslover]

It’s an in-laws one. Dh and I have been together nearly 30 years. Our children are 20,18 and 16. Dh has a brother with one child 20 and a sister with two children 20 and 18.

Over the years my relationship with in laws has been fine. Always polite, never a crossed word. We aren’t the closest but I have been there when they have needed us. But they have always treated the grandchildren different. His brother and sisters children have always had more. Think mine get a selection box and £10 in a card at Christmas and the other grandchildren have had consoles. His brother and sister are good earners as far as I can tell but we have never discussed earnings so I don’t know their financial situation.

We live 30 minutes from then where the others live on the same street so they obviously see them more.

For every grandchild’s 18th birthday the grandparents have presented them with a trust fund. I don’t know the amount in them but it’s enough for them to get on the property ladder, have a good holiday and buy a nice car. My children have never had this. I was fuming over it and asked Dh to talk to them but he refused. My children were a gutted they didn’t get this for their 18th. They have seen their grandparents give them to the others so they expected it. Not right I know but I understand why they were expecting it.

It’s come to a head this week. Last week was the Alevel results. My 18 year old was one of the ones to be caught out in the algorithm and lost her place at uni. In-laws wrote a massive rant on Facebook about the cock up and said how much it had messed up my nephews future. No mention of dd. They haven’t even called to see how dd got on. This is the final straw for me.
I have told Dh that they are no longer welcome in my home. He doesn’t agree. His argument all along has been it’s up to the in-laws what they do with their money (and rightly so) and our children will realise that their grandparents aren’t interested so it will be the in-laws who will miss out in the long run. I get what he’s saying but I feel that they obviously do not give a hoot about any of us so why should I allow them in my home? I haven’t said that he should cut contact at all as it isn’t my place to say that but they are not welcome here. This house is half mine and I would never invite someone here if Dh asked me not to. If he wants to visit them then he can but I won’t be joining him. I do not want to spend time with anyone who can’t be bothered with us.

I fee that DH should have mentioned something years ago but he feels like it would of been begging for money. My children have never gone without but it’s a kick in the teeth that their cousins are getting on the property ladder courtesy of grandparents when ours aren’t. We certainly can’t afford to give them deposits.

Aibu?

Is your dh the youngest? Or your kids?

We have this, it’s mainly because dh had his kids a bit later, so grandparents spent a lot of money (private school, disney holidays, private sports lessons, etc) on his brothers kids, but when ours came along they weren’t so young so didn’t want to be going on long holidays, his dad had retired so they couldn’t afford any more private school fees- cousins were just into secondary school when we had ours. Then of course they got older first, so were given driving lessons and house deposits, but his mum will retire soon too so when ours are adults there won’t be anything.

It’s not malicious, but it is thoughtless and a bit shit to feel less valued.

@Averyslover

I haven’t spoken to them. I realise now I should of over the years. I never wanted to come across as grabby, like I said my children haven’t gone without at all. I didn’t want to rock the boat as such. And also I didn’t feel it was my place to. If it was my parents I wouldn’t expect my husband to speak to them about it it would be down to me.

It’s not even the money, my kids will work for everything they have. It’s the alevels that have tipped me, it’s just so obvious they don’t care. Dd was so upset last week and then her grandparent posts something that excluded a her.

Either you or her should post on the post and point out she suffered too. Let them in the house but then you and the kids just walk away. They will eventually ask why you are being rude and you/your DD can explain

Either you or her should post on the post and point out she suffered too.

Christ no, you've got enough legit stuff to potentially discuss (or just go LC) - don't do it all be reacting on one post on social media, it'll end up turning into a petty bunfight and you'll be dragged down to their level.

My ds gets his gcse results on Thurs. I very much doubt inlaws will ask how he got on. We’ve given up with them now, the favouring of their other 2dgc is embarrassing.
Hope your dd manages to sort out her uni place.

Another one who wouldn’t ban them, but I wouldn’t engage with them either. You don’t need to be rude to their faces, just have better things to do when they are there (and make sure they know it) how often do they come to visit you?
No more helping out, that’s for the golden children to do.

I’m sorry your DD has had such a rotten week which ended with her grandparents ignoring her but at least she knows what they are like.

Had this in my own family. My kids were treated like second best by my parents. Now my kids are grown up they can't be bothered with maternal Grampies.

Interestingly, my kids' father's parents were kind and attentive to our children but still showered their cousins with much better gifts.

I believe this was because the Grammies felt the need to impress the ex's siblings' spouses.

I’d just phone them up and tell them that you and the children won’t be having anything to do with them, they should lose you number and just maintain their relationship with your DH.

Your DH is a coward. How on earth could you not comment on that disparity of gifts? And tens of thousands of pounds to all the others? FUCK THAT.

If your dh won’t call them out then I think you should. I mean after all, what have you got to lose? Their behaviour is despicable!

They're twerps. Stop doing stuff for them. Stop seeing them. Stop toeing the line. They're quite happy to make their feelings abundantly clear. Make yours clear too.

Ban them, they sound like terrible GPs. But also you need to stand up for your children and stop allowing them to be treated like second class citizens. Your DDs feelings matter and if she is upset you should stand up for her and raise the issue with the GPs. What they have done is horrible and inconsiderate.

YANBU. I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut and I would also be annoyed with DH if he didn't say something.
People can upset and hurt me all they want but if they hurt my kids I can't let it go.

100% have it out with them! What have you got to loose? I had it out with my FIL last year as he was putting his fancy piece before his only son & grandchild. A lot of shouting and some home truths later, he's now the doting GF to DS. I couldn't careless if he never spoke to me again, but DH & DS deserve more respect than what FIL was showing them.

I think you can approach this in a measured manner by highlighting that they seemed to forget the impact of the a levels on their granddaughter, and the rights and wrongs aside, this upset her. tell them you did now know how to comfort her as there have been some very big and obvious different treatments. and explain this is confusing to them as you stress the importance of treating people the same. you could give trust fund as an example and say you are not challenging that decision as it is theirs to make, but you wondering whether anything can be done to facilitate a better relationship with their grandkids. If you approach in that sort of way, it will be hard for them not to give you a response

I would have cut them off before that, but yes ban them.
Dont let someone get you down just because they come with the label of 'family.'

If your DH hasn't discussed how his kids are excluded with his parents, has he never mentioned it to his brother or sister? If so, what do they feel about it? Do the brother and sister show interest in their nieces and nephews?

Thank you everyone for the replies. I’m sure Dh isn’t the result of an affair, he is the spit of his dad. I can’t think of any reason why they would of given Dh money in the past. We got together at 15 and have been together since. Everything we have is because we worked for it. We have joint accounts so I would of known. Dh is the middle child, bil eldest and SIL youngest. As far as I know there was no favouritism growing up. Dh had a happy childhood.

We see his parents once a week/once a fortnight. His siblings are there most days for dinner.

Dh must see what is happening but doesn’t want to admit it maybe? I don’t want to cause an argument where he has to take sides. I know he would chose me in a heartbeat but I don’t want him to have to. He needs to sort his relationship with his parents himself not because I have put pressure on the situation. I certainly wouldn’t post on Facebook, I wouldn’t embarrass myself by calling them out.

Tell them. It is at the stage where you have nothing to lose.
Don't ask why they have acted in the way they have. That's up to them. Just write it all down, and explain there is now no relationship and how the fb thing was the last straw.
Unemotional, fact based and clear as to how things will now be.

They sound fucking awful

I would ask them directly why they have excluded you and your husbands children.

Then I would cut ties

That's pretty shit for Grandparents.

DH and I had a major fall out with his sisters and his brother. DH repaired his relationship with them where I never did. His brother has been to our home twice, I went out. His sisters have never been here.

Could you do similar?

I think I'd take this opportunity to ask them outright, either face-to-face or in writing. If your husband doesn't want to be involved, I'd do it on my own, but this isn't only his concern, even though they are his parents. It's your business because it involves your children.

I'd start out by stating plainly that you (and your daughter) were hurt that they haven't expressed any interest in your daughter's A-levels... and that as a result, you've been thinking more and more about something else that has deeply hurt your children, over the years.

They've seen their cousins receive generous gifts at 18 and obviously, naturally supposed that they would also receive a special "coming of age" gift when they each turned 18. When that never happened, they couldn't help but wonder if they'd done something to offend their grandparents. (Whether or not they've actually expressed that, I'd phrase it that way!) Especially since the cousins and your children are ranged in age such that the disparity couldn't be explained away by a change in the grandparents' financial situation or ability to treat each grandchild the same way.

You'd like to know why one set of grandchildren has been so pointedly snub.

And if they don't have the decency to reply honestly (and maybe be guilted into doing the right thing, belatedly), I wouldn't lift a finger to help them again and would never invite them to visit. (If your husband wants to host them, that's his business, but I wouldn't be involved.) If they don't treat your family like family, why should you bother with them?

@Averyslover YAdefinitelyNBU. If dh still wants them to visit, despite how awful they have been, I would tell him that you will be calling them out over their obvious favouritism of other grandchildren as soon as they enter your home and failing a satisfactory response (which I would think is impossible) you will follow that with saying they are no longer welcome in your home and how downright nasty they are!

I cannot believe that your dh still wants contact with them, despite them treating your dcs as second class grandchildren! He should have spoken to them years ago! If he cannot stick up for his own dcs, he is a very poor father!

His siblings are there most days for dinner.

They sound very lazy

*snubbed

Trust funds/money are clearly a bit of a red herring. Even if the OP's DH had had a handout in the past, or some other such scenario resulting in the OPs DC being cut off, this is no excuse for the emotional cut off the PIL are inflicting on OP's DC. Likewise, whatever the "sins" (if there are any) of OP's DH or indeed, OP herself might be, no decent grandparent would want to see the DC punished as well.

If the OP's DC have behaved in a rude (or other unpleasant) way towards the PIL, leading to a distancing/dislike situation, then there might be some explanation for the different treatment in that. In which case, OP, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself about whether this is the case.

Otherwise, it is likely to be a scapegoat situation trickling down to the next generation. Your DH's wanting to keep the peace with them makes me think he is still trying to win their approval. Fine for him, but not fine for him to inflict that on the OP's children. This is how cycles of abuse never end. When your DH allows your DC to feel unloved and worthless by the same people who treat their cousins with indulgence and consideration, he is opening the doors and inviting in the sort of negative mental health effects he is probably suffering from himself.

Break the cycle, and for goodness sake, get off social media with these horrible people, all you are doing is hurting yourself reading their crap.