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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect my partner to get a job and stop playing xbox?

106 replies

lonelylou09 · 18/08/2020 10:29

So... Been with my partner 18 months. Its all been mostly wonderful until now.
He was new to my area when I met him so he was out of work but looking and it meant we had a lot of time together.
He got a job an hours drive away and moved in with me and my 21 year old son and started contributing to the house costs. All good.
With lockdown he was off work on furlough, as was my son, while I've worked part-time all the way though and now I'm back full time, and I haven't had a week off since January.

We've had words because I expected him do more chores ect but he would mostly sit on the xbox all day.
When lockdown eased he decided to quit his job and go to work for a mate for less money.
I wasn't happy but it's his life right?

So for a month it was OK, he was happier and I was happy to have him doing something and some money still coming in.

Then he had a week off, then another. Now he's not been to work for a month, xbox all day and no money for 2 weeks.
He was meant to go back to work last week but didn't. Meanwhile I'm working 2 jobs plus doing nearly all the chores and paying for everything.

I've tried talking to my him about work and he said he would look for a different job but he hasn't. He does help out around the house a bit but I still do most of it.
He says I'm always moody but I'm so physically and mentally exhausted from work and stress that I come home and I don't want to be near him.

I love him dearly but this isn't what I signed up for. I feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over again.

OP posts:

AskingforaBaskin · 18/08/2020 10:30

Break up.
This is a pattern that will repeat itself. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

GolightlyMrsGolightly · 18/08/2020 10:30

Get rid.

Sirzy · 18/08/2020 10:31

I would give him two weeks to be bringing money in and insist on his takes over the bulk of housework in the meantime. Make it clear if he doesn’t do that he will have to move out and you will need to reconsider the relationship

HermioneWeasley · 18/08/2020 10:32

You’ve got yourself a cock lodger. He’s shown you exactly who he is and how he intends to behave. I’m not sure what’s particularly loveable about him, but I suggest you bin him immediately

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2020 10:32

He's a cocklodger and you're being a mug. Get rid of this loser.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2020 10:33

Pop him and his clothes out of the door.

He isn't trying. He is living off you. He isn't even that good at it as he can't be arsed to be nice to you!

He is a total non starter... so get rid of him!

VallarMorghulis · 18/08/2020 10:34

You've got yourself a cocklodger! Get rid of the cheeky fucker.

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/08/2020 10:36

Another vote for cocklodger. If he's not working for pay surely he should be doing all the housework, cooking, laundry etc whilst he looks? Suggest it to him, why dont you?

CelestialSpanking · 18/08/2020 10:37

Get a job? Nah kick his arse out this won’t get any better and you’re going to get more and more miserable and resentful.

VaggieMight · 18/08/2020 10:37

Why did he move to a new area without a job?

He's definitely a cocklodger. Possibly his intention from the start.

candycane222 · 18/08/2020 10:38

Who was looking after his every need before he moved in with you? His Mum? Is he 12? He ain't a man, that's for sure. Men are adults, he isn't.

PoloNeckKnickers · 18/08/2020 10:38

Bin off the lazy twat.

Bella2020 · 18/08/2020 10:38

He leaves everything, and I mean everything, to you then has the cheek to criticise you as you're not all smiles for him? You deserve better.

UnfinishedSymphon · 18/08/2020 10:38

Cocklodger alert - throw him to fuck and don't look back. He's worth nothing if he's happy to watch you work 2 jobs, brings no money in and sits around all day.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 18/08/2020 10:38

He's turned into a cocklodger. My sister had one, it took 2 kids and a marriage to realise she could do better. She divorced him.

Alexandernevermind · 18/08/2020 10:39

He landed on his feet with you, didn't he! He gets to live the life a 14yo would duing the school holidays, with an occasional bit of housework to stop you nagging. What a terrible example this manchild is to your 21yo. Send him back to his actual mother.

1Morewineplease · 18/08/2020 10:42

He knows you love him and he knows you’ll just keep on picking up his slack.
He certainly doesn’t respect you.
The longer that you carry on like this the lazier he’ll get as he’ll lose the impetus to even try for a job or to help out.

You need to have an honest heart to heart with him about all this.
If you continue as you are now the resentment will get so much worse.

Longdistance · 18/08/2020 10:43

Kick him out! He doesn’t add anything positive to your life. He sounds like a leech.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/08/2020 10:43

Does he feel in competition with your son? Is your son still at home or back at work? Is he refusing to do anything in the house because 'he's not doing anything either'? (ie the childish 'why should I, you never ask HIM to do anything' approach). Or because he refuses to clear up any mess that your son may, potentially, have made? (Even if he didn't, was nowhere near it and never even touched it?)

But yes, he's a cocklodger.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 18/08/2020 10:46

FFS, get rid of the lazy cocklodger. Just tell him it's over and he needs to go, now.

Original poster

lonelylou09 · 18/08/2020 10:49

Yep my friend says the same as we've both been through the mill before with men not working.
He moved to be closer to his dad, was living there when I met him.
If I ask him to do anything he tells me to ask my son. To me my son is another thread but that's my son and it makes no odds to me if he gives me £50 a week for his keep as it would be an empty bedroom otherwise and I know other parents charge the same or less.
My partner can be very sweet, sensitive and loving but he has definitely changed for the worst.. Or maybe more worryingly is finally revealing who is actually is

OP posts:

ellenpartridge · 18/08/2020 10:49

100% get rid

2pinkginsplease · 18/08/2020 10:49

He needs to be actively looking for a job. I know that jobs are hard to come by just now but I couldn’t accept someone just not working because they can’t be arsed!

BlingLoving · 18/08/2020 10:50

God. I hate reading these posts. He's a total cocklodger (and I've never actually used that term before). The moment you let him move in when the relationship was still very new and fresh, and just contribute to a few bills, he realised instantly that he was onto a good thing. He could live somewhere v cheap, have meals and cleaning on tap, sex too. And now he's just pushing the boundaries all the time.

Please OP. Get rid of this man. Or if you really really can't bring yourself to do that, give him a proper ultimatum - start paying (not contributing, proper paying) AND doing his share or get out.

God, your son is 21. I wonder what he thinks? Either he's thinking this is brilliant, if random bloke can just do what he likes at home so can I, first with mum and then later with another woman. Or, he's wondering why his mum is letting someone treat her this badly.

thepeopleversuswork · 18/08/2020 10:50

Agree, get rid. What on earth is the point of someone who brings in no money, does no housework and spends all his time on a fucking console? You must have low standards if you think this is a good relationship. You'd be far better off on your own.

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