Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect my partner to get a job and stop playing xbox?

106 replies

lonelylou09 · 18/08/2020 10:29

So... Been with my partner 18 months. Its all been mostly wonderful until now.
He was new to my area when I met him so he was out of work but looking and it meant we had a lot of time together.
He got a job an hours drive away and moved in with me and my 21 year old son and started contributing to the house costs. All good.
With lockdown he was off work on furlough, as was my son, while I've worked part-time all the way though and now I'm back full time, and I haven't had a week off since January.

We've had words because I expected him do more chores ect but he would mostly sit on the xbox all day.
When lockdown eased he decided to quit his job and go to work for a mate for less money.
I wasn't happy but it's his life right?

So for a month it was OK, he was happier and I was happy to have him doing something and some money still coming in.

Then he had a week off, then another. Now he's not been to work for a month, xbox all day and no money for 2 weeks.
He was meant to go back to work last week but didn't. Meanwhile I'm working 2 jobs plus doing nearly all the chores and paying for everything.

I've tried talking to my him about work and he said he would look for a different job but he hasn't. He does help out around the house a bit but I still do most of it.
He says I'm always moody but I'm so physically and mentally exhausted from work and stress that I come home and I don't want to be near him.

I love him dearly but this isn't what I signed up for. I feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over again.

OP posts:
EatDessertFirst · 18/08/2020 10:51

Nothing like an xbox obsessed cocklodging manchild to make your fanny turn into the Sahara desert!

Chuck him and his xbox out of your home. I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum or 'timescale to change' within. He is showing you who he really is now he has his feet under your table.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 18/08/2020 10:51

@Zaphodsotherhead
Yes excatly what you've just said!
He resents paying more than my son, resents that he doesn't do any chores. But my son lives in his room, does his own cooking and washing and is back in work.

OP posts:
divegirl77 · 18/08/2020 10:53

Cocklodger. You're not his mum - get rid.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 18/08/2020 10:53

@EatDessertFirst
Omg yes! Sahara desert 🤣🤣🏜️🏜️
He's always been very affectionate with me which I've loved but now I'm always pushing him away

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2020 10:53

How much more of your time are you going to waste on this fuckwit?

EatDessertFirst · 18/08/2020 10:55

Sounds like 'the ick' may be setting in for you too from what you describe.......

Dozycuntlaters · 18/08/2020 11:00

YANBU that your partner is a lazy bastard but YABU that he is your partner.

Honestly, he's a lazy sod and as long as he has you being mummy and working your arse off he will have no incentive to get of his arse and start contributing. No wonder you're pushing him away, it's very unattractive having to mother someone who isn't your kid.

get rid, he will be no loss.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 18/08/2020 11:05

[quote lonelylou09]@Zaphodsotherhead
Yes excatly what you've just said!
He resents paying more than my son, resents that he doesn't do any chores. But my son lives in his room, does his own cooking and washing and is back in work.[/quote]
What is the point of him? Get some self-respect. He's not a partner, he's a loser excuse for a boyfriend. He's got no right to stay there. Why are you skivvying for him and then servicing his knob on top of that?

'This is over. Pack your things and get out.'

You owe him nothing.

Bananalanacake · 18/08/2020 11:06

You can have a relationship with him without living with him you know.

Serendipity79 · 18/08/2020 11:12

Sorry I'm another fan of getting rid. If he isn't working he should be actively jobhunting, and doing the majority of the housework. Instead he's gaming like a teenager, contributing nothing financially, moaning about your son not helping out and is confused when you don't want to be intimate with him.

He isn't a keeper, you can do much better!

mbosnz · 18/08/2020 11:13

Off he pops.

MyOwnSummer · 18/08/2020 11:24

If he has good points, it is worth a conversation to see if this can be fixed. I agree with PP that this does appear to be a cocklodger situation, but at a stretch, it could a case of falling into bad habits and a boot up the arse might be the thing he needs. His response to you is worrying though, it indicates a complete lack of respect.

At a bare minimum, I'd expect to see him spending at least a couple of hours per day looking for work and the remainder doing chores. If he isn't willing to do this, he needs to fuck off. The upside is that (I assume) he is not named on the deeds/tenancy so removing him will be fairly easy.

MyOwnSummer · 18/08/2020 11:25

Has he given any explanation for why he didn't go back to work, out of interest?

Jaxhog · 18/08/2020 11:31

Easy. Chuck him out.

ghostmous3 · 18/08/2020 11:34

'Nothing like an xbox obsessed cocklodging manchild to make your fanny turn into the Sahara desert!'

🤣

That's so true. I spent 13 years with one just like this and God what an utter turn off.

Binned him and his ex box. Best thing I ever did

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 18/08/2020 11:36

No one can be this desperate for a bit of cock.

Look at your definition of 'wonderful', a guy who was unemployed when you met him, who finds work optional, who compares himself to your son, who finds lifework women's work.

Your standards are subterranean. No amount of chats or conversations are going to fix this or your cocklodger boyfriend.

ghostmous3 · 18/08/2020 11:36

OP get rid. He will never ever change and before you know it 10 years will have gone by, he still wont be working and he will still be sitting on his arse playing xboxand you will think to yourself what a waste of my life. It's one of my biggest regrets tbh

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 18/08/2020 11:38

At a bare minimum, I'd expect to see him spending at least a couple of hours per day looking for work

Even the Job Centre expects more out of universal credit recipients in the fit for work category.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/08/2020 11:43

He is a cock lodger.
I wouldn't bother asking him his plans he has proved himself as a person who takes an easy option regardless of the risk.
He is lazy I'd dump him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2020 11:58

If I ask him to do anything he tells me to ask my son.

Oh that is rich! Get him out.

If you ever have any issues with your son and his behaviour you can use this cock lodger as prime evidence of what he could grow into! Tell him his mother will leave no stone unturned for his education Smile

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/08/2020 11:59

I hate to break it to you but he's going to be 'in competition' with your son forever. He will never come to terms with the fact that your son comes first in your affections (even if he is 21) and that you have different expectations in a partner than you do in your offspring.

He will not change. He will start expecting you to 'kick your son out' and he will start badmouthing him every chance he gets.

Add this to the fact that he's a thoughtless fuckwit who can't see how working and doing chores is affecting you, but still expects you to be all loving towards him, and you get a man who's never really grown up past the sibling rivalry stage.

He has to go, OP. Sorry.

RandomMess · 18/08/2020 12:01

Please come back and tell us you've already told him to leave...

BadLad · 18/08/2020 12:04

@MyOwnSummer

If he has good points, it is worth a conversation to see if this can be fixed. I agree with PP that this does appear to be a cocklodger situation, but at a stretch, it could a case of falling into bad habits and a boot up the arse might be the thing he needs. His response to you is worrying though, it indicates a complete lack of respect.

At a bare minimum, I'd expect to see him spending at least a couple of hours per day looking for work and the remainder doing chores. If he isn't willing to do this, he needs to fuck off. The upside is that (I assume) he is not named on the deeds/tenancy so removing him will be fairly easy.

When I've been out of work, I decided that looking for a job WAS my job, and would spend office hours searching, doing application forms, tweaking CVs or getting ready for interviews. Just a couple of hours is lazy and not enough.

I take your point, though.

Devlesko · 18/08/2020 12:04

Sounds like your teenager playing with his toys.
Any attraction would be gone for me, but I'm not into boys with toys.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 18/08/2020 12:10

Thanks ladies. I know you're all right, especially with the comments regarding his attitude towards my son. We've spoken about it several times and I've said I'm not willing to speak about that anymore. My son is my son and his own issues, hard of hearing and on the autism spectrum so he finds it hard to be social and I'm happy for him to be in a job he enjoys and I don't expect him to share house costs equally like I would a partner.
I don't have a good track record with partners and I've been here and done this with someone else before which my current partner knows.
But up until this lockdown my partner was making me happy and feel loved and secure. Now it just feels like constant effort on my part all the time.
We had a big heart to heart half way through lockdown about his gaming and not spending time with me or helping and it improved for a little while.

OP posts: