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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect my partner to get a job and stop playing xbox?

106 replies

lonelylou09 · 18/08/2020 10:29

So... Been with my partner 18 months. Its all been mostly wonderful until now.
He was new to my area when I met him so he was out of work but looking and it meant we had a lot of time together.
He got a job an hours drive away and moved in with me and my 21 year old son and started contributing to the house costs. All good.
With lockdown he was off work on furlough, as was my son, while I've worked part-time all the way though and now I'm back full time, and I haven't had a week off since January.

We've had words because I expected him do more chores ect but he would mostly sit on the xbox all day.
When lockdown eased he decided to quit his job and go to work for a mate for less money.
I wasn't happy but it's his life right?

So for a month it was OK, he was happier and I was happy to have him doing something and some money still coming in.

Then he had a week off, then another. Now he's not been to work for a month, xbox all day and no money for 2 weeks.
He was meant to go back to work last week but didn't. Meanwhile I'm working 2 jobs plus doing nearly all the chores and paying for everything.

I've tried talking to my him about work and he said he would look for a different job but he hasn't. He does help out around the house a bit but I still do most of it.
He says I'm always moody but I'm so physically and mentally exhausted from work and stress that I come home and I don't want to be near him.

I love him dearly but this isn't what I signed up for. I feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over again.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 18/08/2020 14:08

You even need to ask? Hmm Come on OP, give your head a shake!!

WildfirePonie · 18/08/2020 14:17

Sounds like my ex, he promised to get a job for almost 4 years. Can't believe I wasted so many years thinking he'd get a job and stop sitting round spending my money and playing video games all night.

Don't be like me and waste years of your life.

LolaSmiles · 18/08/2020 14:19

This is a classic cocklodger situation. Good on you for noticing it isn't right, now to tell him to sling his hook.

If you allow him to stay the resentment will only grow and you'll end up stuck in a cycle of growing resentment, an argument, he'll 'change' and do enough to 'stop the Mrs nagging' before going back into his old routine. The more women show these man-children that they won't tolerate such disrespectful, and secretly misogynistic, attitudes, the better in my opinion.

Shedpaint · 18/08/2020 14:33

OP you sound lovely- hard working, a kind mum, thoughtful.

You don’t deserve to be with a man who has so little respect for you.

I’m afraid you might be right that as soon as he has got comfortable he is showing himself to be someone who prefers an easy life and has no qualms about living off his partner’s cash even when he can see how hard she is working for it.
If he was struggling to find work but actively looking and using his time off to fulfil the lion’s share of the household work then it would be fine but he isn’t- he’s settling into being a child again and having someone provide for him and keep house for him- that is not an attractive trait and it’s completely understandable you don’t fancy him anymore.

You don’t have to end it- you can ask him to move out and see how you feel then but if it was me the damage would be done- I simply couldn’t be with a man who has such little respect for what partnership means. I suspect you will feel the same too.

Good luck. Hope he isn’t one of those who refuses to leave......

Bananalanacake · 18/08/2020 15:38

But I've read on here before that if he has no claim on the house, meaning if it's yours, and you ask him to leave and he refuses you call the police. Or get a built like a brick shit house relative to escort him off your property.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 18/08/2020 15:43

Get rid, get rid, get rid.

It will be a good example for your son too - men who don’t contribute their fair share (in any sense!) get kicked out.

ilovesooty · 18/08/2020 15:44

He's a parasite.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/08/2020 15:46

"I love him dearly"
Why? This is not a flippant question, I am being serious - WHY do you love him? What is there about him that is loveable? To be blunt - why do you set the bar so, so low?

You know you have to send him packing. It won't even be difficult, just send him back to his dad's. And then work out why your self-esteem is so low that you put up with this shit, accepting transparent excuses/no excuses for being treated so badly.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/08/2020 16:00

I think you love the him that he portrayed himself as being when you first got together. Ie, him at his absolute best, wearing a mask of being an equal partner and a kind and loving individual.

What can there be to love about a man who's happy for you to work yourself to death while he games?

Durgasarrow · 18/08/2020 16:15

Cocklodgery at its finest. Oh you wonderful Brits. How I love the word cocklodger. And how beautifully your boyfriend defines it. If he is not dashing about with mop in hand or typing furiously his resume, he is lodging that cock in your home.

Therealjudgejudy · 18/08/2020 17:09

Yuck. Get some self respect and put your own son before this parasite. It beggars belief that you even have to ask. Why are so many womens standards so low??Confused

squiglet111 · 18/08/2020 17:30

So what are you going to do op?

Angelina82 · 18/08/2020 17:38

Sometimes he helps out??? Ffs he should be doing EVERYTHING around the house seeing as you’re having to work 2 jobs to feed his lazy arse. Your DS should be helping and paying his way too. Stop being such a martyr and chuck the piss taking waster out!

2bazookas · 18/08/2020 17:52

Tell him its time to leave. Like, next week.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 18/08/2020 17:55

Quite frankly, until you get rid of this guy and STOP dating for a long, long time whilst you work very hard on your self-esteem, you will continue this cycle. You have already stated you have 'been through the mill' with workshy boyfriends. This will continue as long as you consider yourself 'lonelylou' who can't be happy without a man in her life and sees basic adult functions like working for a living and pulling your weight in life (it's not helping or ^chores), you're a target for lazy spongers.

What makes you think you're worth so little? Until you figure it out and work on it, your bar will continue to be so low a flea could limbo under it.

I mean, look at all this, started seeing some guy who was already unemployed and appears to have a sketchy work history. C'mon! Most people wouldn't give above time of day to such a scrub, much less date them and then move them into their house.

No one who is 'sweet, sensitive and loving' treats someone they love like this. This was an act to get what he wanted from you, the mark. That's how he rolls. He's a freeloader who needs to find women to wash his socks, pay his bills and warm the bed.

Staying with him for any reason, not showing him the door, you make a decision to yourself that you are a mug who deserves to be taken advantage of. No decision is still a decision.

Hopefully you will realise you don't need this loser in your life or with his feet under your table to get rid of him.

JulesCobb · 18/08/2020 17:55

Or maybe more worryingly is finally revealing who is actually is

This. It is this. You hardly know him. Less than two years.

Dump him.

LannieDuck · 18/08/2020 18:06

Could he take over your cleaning jobs for the month?

Meanwhile I'm working 2 jobs plus doing nearly all the chores and paying for everything.

I would give him a choice: do 90% of the chores while he's out of work (50% when he gets a job), or move out.

No reminders, no 'nagging', no second chances - if he doesn't do 90% (or half), he's no longer welcome in your house.

MrsBobDylan · 18/08/2020 18:11

He wants to be in your son's older brother. You love him dearly while he loves you like a mother, or would do if you got off his back and stopped asking him to pay his way, get a job, pull his weight around the house, smiled fondly at him as he lounges around his in his underpants...

tara66 · 18/08/2020 18:14

Suggest he goes back to his father's house as you ''need a break''. He should then take a hint that he is hard work for you - which he is.
If this doesn't get him out you need to make it crystal clear that you want him to leave as the whole set up and current arrangement is not working with you providing for him. Tell him he is not the person you thought he was. He has no right to compare himself with your son regarding money given to you and chores done. He is effectively telling you what your relationship with your own child should be when it is not his business - just because he lives at your house.
You need to think of your old age!

StripeyDeckchair · 18/08/2020 18:18

This is never going to improve.
It's your house so change the locks and lose the boyfriend, he sees you as an easy life.
Beware the next step is to be abusive.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 18/08/2020 18:20

I’d bin him right off, but if you do love him dearly and believe you’re getting something out of the relationship, you can still get him out of your house and continue dating.

Chuck him out, now (no “you’ve got a week” etc). If he gets a job and agrees to pay towards the house, and do his share of housekeeping, he can come back.

He seems like a lot of work in return for “affection” though.

Clymene · 18/08/2020 18:26

Why do you love him dearly? He is watching you work your fingers to the bone doing two jobs to pay for him to sit around on his arse all day like a teenager. And when you come home you're scrubbing his shit stains out of the toilet.

You say you don't have a good record in relationships. I can see that because your standards are sadly very low.

Kick him out and do the Freedom Programme.

FortniteBoysMum · 18/08/2020 18:30

Kick his arse to the kerb. He has no intention of looking for work. He probably moved nearer his dad when the last girlfriend kicked him out for being a sponge. Had to get a job to hook you so it looked like he was trying. Furlough was probably best thing to ever happen to him he had a wage without doing anything. It isn't going to change. Either boot him out or tell him if he hasn't got a job within x amount of time he is out on his ear. Also inform him your making note of expenses as anything you buy him eg food is consider a loan you will expect extra board once he finds employment in that time period. I would still simply kick him out mind or flog his xbox to pay his upkeep. That way you get a bit towards supporting him and the bloody console won't stop him looking for work.

Raella50 · 18/08/2020 18:32

OP you sound like a lovely mum and a complete doormat of a partner. This guy is taking the absolute piss out of you. Find your anger and chuck him out!!!

BlokeNumber9 · 18/08/2020 18:32

I should be offended by cocklodger on account of sexist innit but... that's what he is.