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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut all ties after being dumped by phone call after a two year relationship?

85 replies

OWU4U · 18/08/2020 05:42

I have always singlehandedly raised my now 4 year old son. My now ex, decided after we had stayed with him over lockdown (he had asked us to) for 3.5 months to call me two weeks after my son and I returned home to dump me.

Background - My ex thinks he is autistic, this is self diagnosed. He is not the biological father of my son. I have always said that my son and I come as a package. Before lockdown he had sent us an email on how to behave in his house.

My son had started calling him dad and he called my son his son. We had spoken about moving in and marriage just before lockdown. My ex has had some emotional issues so we spoke about him seeing a councillor, he reached out to one and then as they had no space for him, he gave up.

I had a discussion near the end of lockdown, saying that his priority seemed to be more work than family when previously he had been a little more engaged. He agreed, apologised and it seemed like he was making changes to have a better work life balance. We had a few dates and had family time together after leaving his home. This call came out of the blue.

During the call he accused me of cheating, blamed me for him dumping me on the phone. Then said that my friends were all yes men with no diversity of thought and that there was no chemistry between us. He said that I should have made him happy when he came down for food with us during and after work and that it was my fault he went back to work angry all the time (during lockdown he was working from home) and I was homeschooling.

I said maybe we could try relationship counselling and he said that he didn’t need someone who is not as clever as him or his trusted advisors (meaning his friends) to give him back of cereal packet advice.

He ended the conversation saying that he cared for me and wants to be friends so he can be in my sons life. I said that it has and will always be all or nothing. He cannot have the easy parts of being with us without commitment. The next day he sent a goodbye letter to my son. Then sent messages to all his friends and family saying that we had broken up.

AIBU not to continue to let him have a friendship with me and a relationship with my son?

OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 18/08/2020 05:48

YANBU. He sounds like a pompous, self-absorbed wanker that you’re well rid of. A man like him will just grind you down and be an appalling role model for your son to grow up with. Aim higher.

LM2098 · 18/08/2020 05:49

I have aspergers and can even admit it is unusual behaviour. Don't put your son through anymore cut this man off.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 05:54

@BestestBrownies he said he was a positive role model and deserves to be in my sons life. On paper this guy would tick many many boxes. I genuinely thought I was aiming higher, you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 05:58

@LM2098 I have never dated a person that is autistic, I have a younger niece has autism. I think I was making allowances for his behaviour due to this. My son is devastated, it’s actually heartbreaking hearing him upset, I feel like I trusted someone and failed to protect my son from this hurt.

OP posts:
Noneformethanks · 18/08/2020 06:01

Don’t contact him. He sounds like a spoon.

LM2098 · 18/08/2020 06:04

@owu4u naturally we do struggle with interactions ect but his responses are just lack of politeness and ego. If I were you I'd contact his parents, with him claiming an impairment and say hello just to make you aware he claims he has this condition and this is how he spoke to me, I'm naturally very concerned about his mental state

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 18/08/2020 06:06

Block him on everything and concentrate on your son....you both deserve better

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 06:08

@LM2098 I was wondering if I should inform his parents, but wouldn’t it now just be seen as me being the crazy/angry ex.

OP posts:
Noneformethanks · 18/08/2020 06:10

Don’t clipe to his mammy.

Just cut him off.

KatherineJaneway · 18/08/2020 06:12

YANBU. Sounds to me like family life wasn't how he expected it so used loads of excuses on that call to make it sound like you were at fault so he could end it 'blamelessly'.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 06:14

@Noneformethanks hahaha I’ve never heard spoon used that way.

OP posts:
Okeydokeypiginapokey · 18/08/2020 06:16

He's not autistic, he's narcissistic and he wants to keep you hanging so he can play his mind games. Cut him off.

Oysterbabe · 18/08/2020 06:22

You're well rid, definitely cut him off. Encouraging your son to call him dad though was crazy, why would you do that?

Mandalalorianna · 18/08/2020 06:31

What a tosser. He's done you a favour.

SarahBellam · 18/08/2020 06:33

Don’t contact his parents, for heaven’s sake. He has self diagnosed himself with ASD and used it as an excuse for poor, supercilious, condescending and cruel behaviour. You have dodged a bullet here. Block him on everything and run for the hills. What a prick.

Butchyrestingface · 18/08/2020 06:35

Don't tell his parents, don't let him maintain contact with your son, don't give him another thought and most of all, don't let your son call your boyfriends 'dad' again in the future.

chickenyhead · 18/08/2020 06:37

Please know that with time your son won't even remember him.

I would absolutely NOT continue any form of friendship with him.

What he has done to your son is unforgivable, your son did not deserve that and will only get confused by continued contact.

As for you, you deserve better, who the hell does he think he is. Pathetic incompetent worm.

CJsGoldfish · 18/08/2020 06:40

He's not autistic, he's narcissistic 🙄

Or perhaps he's just a twat.

Don't go running to his parents. Find your self respect and just move on.
I don't understand why, after him saying all of that, you suggest relationship counselling. How long were you together for your son, who you've "raised singlehandedly" to be calling him dad?

It's done. Look forward, not backwards

Mediaevalmiss · 18/08/2020 06:41

Yes I wouldn't stay friends after that. It would be confusing for both you and your son, and just be an ego trip for him.
I'm sorry this happened to you Flowers

Aweebawbee · 18/08/2020 06:44

He sounds very messy. You don't need someone like that in your son's life.

Bluntness100 · 18/08/2020 06:44

Christ don’t contact his parents, he’s not a small child. They know their son and what would you expect them to do? That’s just seriously cringe.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2020 06:45

Nasty man. He will let your ds down again if you let him back into his life.

Beautiful3 · 18/08/2020 06:51

You did the right thing. I think hes being werid, you're lucky to be well rid.

rayoflightboy · 18/08/2020 06:51

Please tell me you didn't read that letter to your son.

He sounds like a head wrecker.Dont tell his parents,as that just seems it gives you a reason to stay in touch.

Block and move on,your DC is 4 he'll soon forget.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 06:53

@chickenyhead I genuinely hope that my son will forget about this in time and be able to move on without it causing too much pain.

OP posts:
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