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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut all ties after being dumped by phone call after a two year relationship?

85 replies

OWU4U · 18/08/2020 05:42

I have always singlehandedly raised my now 4 year old son. My now ex, decided after we had stayed with him over lockdown (he had asked us to) for 3.5 months to call me two weeks after my son and I returned home to dump me.

Background - My ex thinks he is autistic, this is self diagnosed. He is not the biological father of my son. I have always said that my son and I come as a package. Before lockdown he had sent us an email on how to behave in his house.

My son had started calling him dad and he called my son his son. We had spoken about moving in and marriage just before lockdown. My ex has had some emotional issues so we spoke about him seeing a councillor, he reached out to one and then as they had no space for him, he gave up.

I had a discussion near the end of lockdown, saying that his priority seemed to be more work than family when previously he had been a little more engaged. He agreed, apologised and it seemed like he was making changes to have a better work life balance. We had a few dates and had family time together after leaving his home. This call came out of the blue.

During the call he accused me of cheating, blamed me for him dumping me on the phone. Then said that my friends were all yes men with no diversity of thought and that there was no chemistry between us. He said that I should have made him happy when he came down for food with us during and after work and that it was my fault he went back to work angry all the time (during lockdown he was working from home) and I was homeschooling.

I said maybe we could try relationship counselling and he said that he didn’t need someone who is not as clever as him or his trusted advisors (meaning his friends) to give him back of cereal packet advice.

He ended the conversation saying that he cared for me and wants to be friends so he can be in my sons life. I said that it has and will always be all or nothing. He cannot have the easy parts of being with us without commitment. The next day he sent a goodbye letter to my son. Then sent messages to all his friends and family saying that we had broken up.

AIBU not to continue to let him have a friendship with me and a relationship with my son?

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 18/08/2020 06:53

It's true, your son won't remember him. I had a break up when my youngest was a similar age.

I don't think I said anything very final at the time. It might have been something like we had a disagreement and needed space. And out of sight was out of mind, so they moved on without much upset.

redcarbluecar · 18/08/2020 06:56

All or nothing sounds absolutely right. Good luck for the future.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 06:57

@Mediaevalmiss I was very adamant about not continuing to be friends in order for him to be in my sons life. Just wanted views from other parents of what they would do and if what I chose was unreasonable. Thank you for the flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:00

@Mummyoflittledragon yes I don’t trust that he won’t do something just as bad if I had chosen to let him back in.

OP posts:
chatterbugmegastar · 18/08/2020 07:01

*He ended the conversation saying that he cared for me and wants to be friends so he can be in my sons life. I said that it has and will always be all or nothing. He cannot have the easy parts of being with us without commitment. The next day he sent a goodbye letter to my son. Then sent messages to all his friends and family saying that we had broken up.
*

Jesus Christ. You dodged a bullet with that tosser

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:02

@rayoflightboy no I didn’t read the letter to my son.

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 18/08/2020 07:02

@LM2098

If I were you I'd contact his parents, with him claiming an impairment and say hello just to make you aware he claims he has this condition and this is how he spoke to me, I'm naturally very concerned about his mental state

Why on Earth should OP do that? OP is rightly concerned about her son, not this twat!

OP, I hope you block and delete him from your life. This man is toxic for you.

AuntieStella · 18/08/2020 07:04

No contact with your ex. Just leave it.

Concentrate on getting your DS through the changes - is he about to start school (or perhaps just started)?

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:05

@WhoWants2Know thank you for sharing your experience, my son has been asking so will try to work along those same lines.

OP posts:
chipperfish · 18/08/2020 07:07

he said he was a positive role model and deserves to be in my sons life

No, just no! Who does this benefit?

Certainly not your son. He does not need an unrelated friend/ex as a 'father figure' with control and emotional issues who accused his mother of cheating but insists on keeping a foot in the door with this contact. Is he going to be consistent, available and prove a good role model and influence? Its likely to be very confusing to your son and puts him in a position where an unrelated adult has potential influence over his life and can be emotionally manipulative.

Certainly not you - staying 'friends' (No matter how mature you are I don't think that's quite possible with history and emotional baggage) so he can continue to contact you and your son. How exactly is it going to work, especially if and when you move on from the relationship and find someone who is willing and committed to both you and your son?

In fact, its a pretty weird, at best naive idea, and really doesn't sit right to ask this of you.
It may be a bit sad for you and your son now - its mourning the loss of what could have been and of course you worry that its depriving your 4 wear old of a father figure
But better to rip that plaster off now that try and explain to an older child why you are cutting contact with X after months/weeks/years of continued manipulation, emotional games and potential damage to your son and the relationship between you

Walk away from it all with your son and your dignity intact, and drop contact

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:09

@honeygirlz One of his parents has got in touch with me via text to say sorry that the relationship didn’t work out and can they keep in contact. It’s such a mess.

My priority is definitely my son and always will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:11

@AuntieStella starting I hope in September, due to coronavirus all seems up in the air. So I’m sure this will be a great distraction and something he will enjoy.

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 18/08/2020 07:13

That’s nice of them, but I don’t see how his contact with his parents would benefits you and your son? Who’s to say it won’t taper off after a couple of months?

I think you need a clean break. You owe these people nothing, OP. When push comes to shove, they will back their son.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:14

@chipperfish I agree wholeheartedly with all that you have said. Thank you for your words.

OP posts:
Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:16

@honeygirlz it is nice and from what I know and have been around them they seem to be nice people. How do I word a response in a nice way to say thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 18/08/2020 07:17

There's absolutely no reason he needs access to your child.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:21

@chipperfish sorry the questions you asked, i didn’t answer so: it will only benefit him in the long run. Will destroy my son and I.

He won’t be consistent, available and prove a good role model and influence as he wasn’t during the relationship it was sporadic.

I feel that when I do move on, the ex would not be helpful and create issues if he was to continue to be in our lives.

Will rip the plaster off.

OP posts:
BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 18/08/2020 07:22

@Okeydokeypiginapokey

He's not autistic, he's narcissistic and he wants to keep you hanging so he can play his mind games. Cut him off.
This! Exactly what I was thinking as I read it! Who knows, narc or autistic....either way, protect yourself and your child and cut all ties. Do not respond or he’s likely to try suck you back in. Imagine writing a goodbye letter to a child. That’s emotional abuse, almost like saying, your mum made this happen and getting it in there first with all his friends and family?? Just very odd behaviour.
Starlightstarbright1 · 18/08/2020 07:26

God cut the whole family.

Talk to your ds new chapter. If you have to work that hard for it to work its not working.

I suspect in a few weeks it will seem a huge relief

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/08/2020 07:27

@Okeydokeypiginapokey

He's not autistic, he's narcissistic and he wants to keep you hanging so he can play his mind games. Cut him off.
THIS ^

Why would you even consider being "friends" with a tosser like this. Your poor son is already upset - this narc would mess with both of your heads and would turn your son against you by blaming everything that went wrong in any of your lives on you.

Your instincts are right.

Cut all contact now - block his number, block him on social media, don't engage at all.

rayoflightboy · 18/08/2020 07:30

Your ds is 4,my mam got married to my stepfather at 4 i dont remember a thing from that age.

Rip the plaster off and dont mention that twat of a man again.And your son will forget

romeolovedjulliet · 18/08/2020 07:31

you will find someone who respects and cares for you in the proper manner and will consider themselves is lucky enough to have you and your son in their life.
it will happen, give it time and be kind to yourself.as previous peeps said you owe these people nothing. if you stay in touch with his parents he will try to wheedle back into your lives via your son and will probably play the 'good role model' in their presence to show what your son is supposedly missing out on.
you will be so much happier without this idiot in your lives.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:33

@BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward yes it’s very odd, I’ve never experienced anything like it and neither have my friends or family.

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 18/08/2020 07:33

I would say something like.

‘Thank you, it means a lot that you care. My son has been devastated since the break-up and I need to be able to support him. In order to do that, I need to put Ex behind me and move on with our lives. I think it’s better if we part ways as we need a clean from Ex. I wish you and [xxx] all the best. Owu.’

honeygirlz · 18/08/2020 07:34

*clean break