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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut all ties after being dumped by phone call after a two year relationship?

85 replies

OWU4U · 18/08/2020 05:42

I have always singlehandedly raised my now 4 year old son. My now ex, decided after we had stayed with him over lockdown (he had asked us to) for 3.5 months to call me two weeks after my son and I returned home to dump me.

Background - My ex thinks he is autistic, this is self diagnosed. He is not the biological father of my son. I have always said that my son and I come as a package. Before lockdown he had sent us an email on how to behave in his house.

My son had started calling him dad and he called my son his son. We had spoken about moving in and marriage just before lockdown. My ex has had some emotional issues so we spoke about him seeing a councillor, he reached out to one and then as they had no space for him, he gave up.

I had a discussion near the end of lockdown, saying that his priority seemed to be more work than family when previously he had been a little more engaged. He agreed, apologised and it seemed like he was making changes to have a better work life balance. We had a few dates and had family time together after leaving his home. This call came out of the blue.

During the call he accused me of cheating, blamed me for him dumping me on the phone. Then said that my friends were all yes men with no diversity of thought and that there was no chemistry between us. He said that I should have made him happy when he came down for food with us during and after work and that it was my fault he went back to work angry all the time (during lockdown he was working from home) and I was homeschooling.

I said maybe we could try relationship counselling and he said that he didn’t need someone who is not as clever as him or his trusted advisors (meaning his friends) to give him back of cereal packet advice.

He ended the conversation saying that he cared for me and wants to be friends so he can be in my sons life. I said that it has and will always be all or nothing. He cannot have the easy parts of being with us without commitment. The next day he sent a goodbye letter to my son. Then sent messages to all his friends and family saying that we had broken up.

AIBU not to continue to let him have a friendship with me and a relationship with my son?

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 18/08/2020 07:34

Before lockdown he had sent us an email on how to behave in his house.
This was a bit odd/red flag. What conditions did he place on your/your son's behaviour in his house?
**
He ended the conversation saying that he cared for me and wants to be friends so he can be in my sons life. I said that it has and will always be all or nothing. He cannot have the easy parts of being with us without commitment. The next day he sent a goodbye letter to my son. Then sent messages to all his friends and family saying that we had broken up.
He sounds a thoroughly nasty character and I would definitely not have him anywhere near my child in any format. That includes contact with his parents also as that would be a constant reminder to your son of the life he had with the man he called "dad".

They could also provide a bridge to their son to have input into your child's life. Their having no contact with your DC is a direct consequence of how their son has treated you both.

Block, delete and move on. Cherish the life you have with your son without regrets, OP.

Bullet dodged indeed. 🌹

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 07:34

@Okeydokeypiginapokey it felt like mind games and that’s why my choice was to cut ties. Thankfully he’s not on social media so all I have to do is delete a number.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 18/08/2020 07:39

Oops sorry BOLD failure on second paragraph.

chipperfish · 18/08/2020 07:39

Dont worry, the questions were all rhetorical, you dont owe me any answers! Smile

VivaMiltonKeynes · 18/08/2020 07:44

Once a man starts blaming you for things that go wrong in his life leave .

VivaMiltonKeynes · 18/08/2020 07:45

I know you have BTW . No contact with him , he will only get worse.

Pandacub7 · 18/08/2020 07:51

I bet he got his parents to text you that. How long had you been together?

Mummadeeze · 18/08/2020 07:52

Lots of red flags here. But the thought of him going back to work angry after spending time with you and your son is very off putting. I know it must feel disappointing but whether it is to do with his condition or not, he sounds very complicated and you do sound better off without him.

Pandacub7 · 18/08/2020 07:53

Oh dear I somehow missed that in the questionBlush it’s only 2 years and the child isn’t his biologically so you don’t owe him anything. Like PP said, cut all ties. Best of luck!

Jaxinthebox · 18/08/2020 07:56

Please cut all ties with this person and the family. You deserve far better. Concentrate on you and your son and starting again. He doesnt deserve a thing from you.

MegaClutterSlut · 18/08/2020 08:00

You should thank your lucky stars he dimped you, he sounds like a right dick. Definitely cut all ties or it will cause damage in the long run to your ds imo

MegaClutterSlut · 18/08/2020 08:00

*dumped

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 18/08/2020 08:02

Why the fuck would you subject your little boy to this and let him call some random bloke dad? He's not his dad, and your priority should be your son.

Tlollj · 18/08/2020 08:06

I’ve never understood why people are friends with their ex.
Block him and his family. Fuck them all.
Concentrate on your ds and don’t let him call any one dad.

stardustandroses · 18/08/2020 08:08

I remember things from age 4. And even if there are no memories there will be emotional fallout. Not to say that is a reason to remain in contact but I think DS will need some help. It is like a bereavement for him and if you can possibly get him to professional help to address it I think it would be a really good idea. Meanwhile make sure he knows it isn’t anything he did and no reflection on him. We all forget in divorce and death that the children are being dumped just as much as the partner with just as much heartbreak exacerbated by not understanding. Good luck.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 08:10

@romeolovedjulliet thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 18/08/2020 08:11

I would text the parents back to saying it would be inappropriate to continue any kind of contact with your son now the relationship is over and wish them well. You don't owe any of them anything, least of all your child on a plate.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 08:13

@honeygirlz great words, thank you I didn’t know how to word it, thanks for the help.

OP posts:
angelfishrock · 18/08/2020 08:13

he sounds like.an arse. Being an arse has nothing to do with autism.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 08:15

@Happynow001 yes I think that they being in his life would be a constant reminder. Cherishing my bundle of joy, bullet dodged indeed. Thank you

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2020 08:24

YANBU.
For whatever reason he's decided not to continue with your relationship, he has no biological ties to your son so fuck him off totally. Clean break - give yourself space and time to get over it and a clean slate for when you (hopefully) meet someone who can treat you both properly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2020 08:27

Your ds will hopefully forget him. He has internalised the rejection and needs lots of love and cuddles in an environment, where he feels loved and secure. This is why he needs a clean break from this man, not some kind of boomerang. I wouldn’t sugar coat this to the ex.

Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 08:42

@Mummadeeze yes many red flags. The angry going back to work baffled me, just thought he may need impartial help for his issues. Anyway, I’m moving on and will continue to care for my son and support him. We will have a clean break and a much easier life without the ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
OWU4U · 18/08/2020 08:43

@ThumbWitchesAbroad yes no biological link, we will have some respite and heal from this and move on.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 18/08/2020 08:44

Your DS is less likely to remember if you can possibly help it feel less traumatic.

Please block him as he will unfortunately come crawling back, then do the same etc etc