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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sons dad wants him to stop playing with "girl"toys.

95 replies

RottenTomatoes959 · 17/08/2020 11:30

So myself and my ex had a disagreement yesterday about toys my 5 year old son likes.

Hes been asking for lol dolls for christmas and has a little handbag he likes to put stuff in at home, just his nanas old one, nothing fancy. It's what he likes and I've never even considered it an issue.

His dad went ballistic and said hell get bullied which will emotionally damage him, whereas I think stifling or hiding his interests would be worse.

The issue for me here is is that no matter what I say his dad will disagree so I really need proper researches articles or info from child psychologists or something to show him, and soon as my DS has already mentioned ti me once or twice hes not allowed have "girly" toys in his dads and seems upset.

Can someone please help?

OP posts:

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 17/08/2020 11:38

Bumping

OP posts:

Valleydad99 · 17/08/2020 11:42

I'll send my brother round for a chat if you like. When he was 5 he wanted to wear our mum's make up and dresses and had everyone call him by the girl version of his name. He's now 30 and a very large professional (& heterosexual) prop-forward. He tends to scare most people just by existing at 6ft 5 and stacked so he'll make sure your DS can play with anything he likes.

My point is playing dress up and with "girls" toys doesn't make a difference to a 5 year old. Friends of mine who played only with manly toys and are now gay (one is in the marines too and protecting the nation somewhere overseas), and friends of mine played with dolls and are very very straight.

I don't have studies but at 5 kids aren't going to bully someone else for being different and he needs to find his own way.

Mischance · 17/08/2020 11:42

Well, he's talking bollocks - we know that. But it might be best not to make too much of an issue about it - if he knows it irritates you he will do it all the more. Just behave normally with your son (as you are doing) and if your son comments on something that has been said when with his Dad, then you can calmly say you do not agree with that (or just laugh!) and move on to the next topic. You are not going to change this idiot of a man (no wonder he is an ex!) and he will enjoy winding you up with it - so do not rise to the bait. No amount of evidence is going to make him rethink or relinquish this stick he has found to beat you with.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/08/2020 11:43

I can see why he is an ex

My ex hates our youngest in pink so we have clothes he wears at home and with me and clothes he is allowed around his dad in these days he chooses not to go to his dads i think his strict "rules" on what he will and won't "allow" have damaged his relationship with his dad my son is 7 (,with sen so more socially immature) and he likes pink shoes no one else cares just his dad

Spicedgingerbreadlatte83 · 17/08/2020 11:44

I thought this summed it up pretty well

My sons dad wants him to stop playing with "girl"toys.

contrmary · 17/08/2020 11:47

I think you both have valid points. It really depends at what age he stops wanting to play with "girl's" toys. At five, he might get away with it, by seven or eight he will get bullied for it. The thing with school kids is that they remember these things - if a bully picks up on his habit in the next couple of years, it could well stick with him into his teens.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2020 11:48

Is he likely to actually listen to any scientific research though or call or all bollocks because he thinks it's made up or bias?
How often is he at Dads? I think you just have to reinforce reinforce reinforce when he's at yours there's no such thing as bits and girls toys, he can play with what he wants and accept that Ex's house will mean his rules.

That's a crap answer I know, but ime such idiots tend to hold strong to their ignorance.

Ylvamoon · 17/08/2020 11:49

My DS was like you describe... he even had a stroller with a doll! We never thought anything about it... kids will be kids and all that. Plus it's just play, why can't Daddy look after the baby? He started facing them out at 5-8 years and is now at age 10 a what you would call a stereotype boy.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 17/08/2020 12:00

@contrmary

Not necessarily. Plus I don’t believe in teaching children that their hobbies and interests should be hidden just in case other people think they’re strange. I’ve taught my kids to embrace their weirdness, He’ll figure out on his own what’s socially acceptable as he grows up, and it’ll be his choice whether to continue his interests in front of other kids.

BlueSlice · 17/08/2020 12:03

He’s so worried about bullying and yet he is literally the only person bullying him.

KerbsideViolet · 17/08/2020 12:06

My brother is like yours, ValleyDad

When he was 4, he used to wear my clothes and jewellery, and sing Marilyn Monroe. He played with dolls and liked doing my hair and make up.

Now he’s an adult, he’s a very macho professional sportsman. Because he had so much fun expressing himself as a child, he’s also very comfortable with his gender and doesn’t feel the need to “prove” his masculinity.

Far from being bullied, he was one of the most popular kids at school because he was so confident in himself and tended to play the clown.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 17/08/2020 12:06

Think of all the boys and men with older sisters - most of them will have played with their ‘girl’ toys, just as many girls will have played with their brother’s toys. He is ignorant at best.

Porcupineinwaiting · 17/08/2020 12:08

And if a girl liked football of Lego technics do we think she should prevent her from playing with it, in case someone bullies her? No.

If he still likes playing with dolls age 7, let him. He can decide whether to share this interest with his friends or not.

Ds2 has done ballet since the age of 4. No one has ever bullied him despite all the dire predictions.

Forallyouknow · 17/08/2020 12:08

Erm does he think having a girls toy will “make him gay” this tends to be the underlying mentality of this type of idiot- no offence. We are all saying girls should be allowed to play with “boy” toys but it works both ways - ironing sets and vacuum toys and shock horror a pram are all good practice for boys when they are older too - perhaps if we had more of that In the past this type of idiotic thinking wouldnt exist.

BlueSlice · 17/08/2020 12:09

At five, he might get away with it, by seven or eight he will get bullied for it.

Not true at all. As a teacher I’ve see plenty of children with an interest in unstereotypically gendered toys and none of them were bullied for it.

In fact, once a craze went round (started by one ‘cool kid’ who loved hair bands and clips but in every other way was a very stereotypical boy) for boys to wear alice bands in their hair.

Your child might be a trendsetter. Or, they might just be a normal child who, at five, likes to play with dolls.

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 17/08/2020 12:09

Thanks for the responses, I'll try to address them all.

He probably will take the advice of professionals as is a bit of an "armchair psychologist" himself and we have our son in play therapy for unrelated issues anyway which he has great respect for, unfortunately she's on a 2 month break atm so off the grid a bit.
Hes there every second weekend fri-mon and every Wednesday night so often enough for it to affect DS

Me and DS still live with my mam aswell while I save for a mortgage so he sees us with makeup and earrings and handbags and stuff so is just used to them and enjoys them I think

OP posts:

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 17/08/2020 12:12

If he does grow up to be gay or an effeminate man rather than a macho bloke, what is the problem?
I appreciate pp's saying "well my brother played with handbags and now he's a big normal bloke!" but really, we should be challenging expectations of boys and the men they will grown into. My son likes to play with handbags and wear his sisters plastic dress up heels. He also likes to play with footballs and wrestle with his brother. I don't mind if he grows up liking handbags or footballs or both! Ask your sons father if he would love his son any less of he grew up not to be a stereotypical masculine man. If the answer is yes then he has a lot of work to do on himself.

Pobblebonk · 17/08/2020 12:14

Is anything in this article any use? www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/28/toys-kids-girls-boys-childhood-development-gender-research

AngelicInnocent · 17/08/2020 12:18

It's also getting less and less likely that he will be bullied for anything like this.

Whilst bullying remains an issue, each year of DC is getting more and more comfortable with different sexualities being normal so it doesn't tend to be the thing that bullies pick on.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2020 12:18

I'd Def get onto the play therapist as soon as you can and get them to express how damaging bullying his child is like this

DustbinTimberlake · 17/08/2020 12:21

Ughhhh. How annoying for you. Nothing is a girl’s toy or a boy’s toy - they’re all just toys. Stopping him playing with things he likes because he ‘might’ be bullied is so cruel. I’ve taught my two that everything is for everyone, and I was proud of DS for saying this to another boy in his class when this boy said DS’ purple coat was for girls.

HappyPunky · 17/08/2020 12:26

Kids learn through play so by depriving your son of toys because of stereotypes he is trying to prevent part of your son's development.
Let him play with what he likes.

DustbinTimberlake · 17/08/2020 12:29

@Forallyouknow

Erm does he think having a girls toy will “make him gay”

this tends to be the underlying mentality of this type of idiot- no offence. We are all saying girls should be allowed to play with “boy” toys but it works both ways - ironing sets and vacuum toys and shock horror a pram are all good practice for boys when they are older too - perhaps if we had more of that In the past this type of idiotic thinking wouldnt exist.

I totally agree with this. As a single parent to me in the 80s my own mother was fabulous at buying all kids of toys - I had trains, cars, dolls, mix of skirts and jeans and dungarees....now as a grandmother to my own two (6 and 3) she’s very sadly succumbed to stereotypes, buying DD a toy vacuum cleaner while DS will get things like vehicles and superhero stuff (the superhero stuff he’s not remotely interested in). She buys DD princess-y things which she would never have bought for me and suggested I change DS’ dinosaur wallpaper when DD moved into that room for ‘something more for girls.’ I loved dinosaurs myself when I was little!

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/08/2020 12:32

It seems like as a society over the past few years we've focused very much on not stereotyping little girls, and encouraging them to break the gender norms that little boys have been left behind in the same respect. He's 5, he should be free to play with whatever he wishes. There is a sad irony that the only person bullying him is his own father

FortniteBoysMum · 17/08/2020 12:38

I would tell him that at school and nursery children are encouraged to play with everything, girls with cars and trucks boys with role play and dolls. It's called equality and diversity. No toy should be seen as stereotyped to a specific gender. Tell him he needs to grow up clearly your son is more mature than his father if he can recognise this is not an issue. At 5 who cares. May be a different story in another 5 years or so but even then if his at home what does it matter.

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