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AIBU?

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Original poster

My sons dad wants him to stop playing with "girl"toys.

95 replies

RottenTomatoes959 · 17/08/2020 11:30

So myself and my ex had a disagreement yesterday about toys my 5 year old son likes.

Hes been asking for lol dolls for christmas and has a little handbag he likes to put stuff in at home, just his nanas old one, nothing fancy. It's what he likes and I've never even considered it an issue.

His dad went ballistic and said hell get bullied which will emotionally damage him, whereas I think stifling or hiding his interests would be worse.

The issue for me here is is that no matter what I say his dad will disagree so I really need proper researches articles or info from child psychologists or something to show him, and soon as my DS has already mentioned ti me once or twice hes not allowed have "girly" toys in his dads and seems upset.

Can someone please help?

OP posts:
Original poster
RottenTomatoes959 · 17/08/2020 12:38

Honestly I dont think he thinks it would make him gay, and even if it did I doubt it would bother him, as hes been known to dip his toe into the bisexual dating scene every so often

OP posts:
Thorilicious · 17/08/2020 12:49

This frustrates me so much. My ds is 4, and is obsessed with unicorns and pink.
He also loves dressing up as Elsa, and has a tutu dress that he loves.
DHs view? He buys him unicorn, and is happy, as long as ds is happy.
He starts school in September, and we've had to tell them his likes/dislikes. The school have said they will support his interests.

Fandajji · 17/08/2020 12:51

My son is currently going by the name Queen Elsa at nursery and has a glove and crown on.

We only get such a short amount of time before people like your son's dad force gender norms onto them so I'm happy for him to be Queen. Tell him that the bullying only exists because people like him continue to enforce these societal rules.

There are of course things in life that only men/only women can/can't do - these are not wearing certain clothes, playing with certain toys or having certain careers.

RoseTintedAtuin · 17/08/2020 12:54

It seems he is being bullied but by his father which is disgraceful! Other 5 year olds will play with whatever is around and While children will pick out anything different about a person, not having any differences and individuality is far far worse. Aside from teaching his son that he will bully him, he is also teaching him that external validation is more important than internal acceptance which is a pathway to MH issues in the future.
I feel so sorry for your LO but happy he has you to defend his right to play with whatever he likes!

LastTrainEast · 17/08/2020 13:10

Nothing in playing with the toys would harm the child of course.

I really want to put an end to the idea of girl's toys/clothes so that means someone has to push the limits, but you do have to be a bit careful of bullying because you won't be there when it happens. I hope that is less likely these days, but I don't have any school age kids now so I'm a bit out of date.

minnieok · 17/08/2020 13:18

The reality is that what he plays with won't make a difference to his sexuality or gender! But there's a difference between letting him play with things ad hoc like his grandmothers bag and buying him a specific present marketed at girls (plastic rubbish I wouldn't dream of buying my girls I might add) that he will go into school talking about and could find himself being teased. I bought toys for my girls which were gender neutral mostly, the plastic tat I avoided

81Byerley · 17/08/2020 13:19

I have a five year old grandson who likes all sorts of toys, plays with a doll sometimes and loves monster trucks. When his sister outgrew a particular dress he asked if he could have it, and he sometimes wears it. His father (a real man, in my opinion) has the attitude that toys are toys and clothes are clothes. My Grandson's older brothers both asked for dance dresses at ages four and five. Now, five years later, neither of them is interested in dresses.

Komacho · 17/08/2020 13:23

@minnieok

(plastic rubbish I wouldn't dream of buying my girls I might add)

Oh, fuck off.

Jaxhog · 17/08/2020 13:29

We will never achieve equality of the sexes until we get rid of the idea that there are girls' toys and boys' toys!

He should be free to play with whatever he wants.

Mountainpika · 17/08/2020 13:52

My brother wears pink shirts. He's 81.

LauraMipsum · 17/08/2020 13:58

Let Toys Be Toys have some good stuff on their website lettoysbetoys.org.uk

Yeahnahmum · 17/08/2020 13:58

There are no girl or boy toys
Just fragile scared adult men who are scared certain toys will make their sons gay (like being gay is a bad thing )

But please talk to your son about it, before his father destroys all his innocence and bullies him into something. Tell him that what he does is normal and fine. And that you love him for who he is. And that nothing but his own opinion on what he plays with should matter. And that his dad will probably tell him different but that he doesn'tmean bad he just doesnt understand perhaps.

differentnameforthis · 17/08/2020 14:01

Mermaids CEO Susie Green's husband objected to their son playing with "girl" toys so much so that at a very young age the son announced he was actually a girl in the wrong body. When he was 16 Susie took him to Thailand to have his penis removed and he has now transitioned into a girl.

When what he probably was, was a feminine young boy who liked different things to his father's perceived expectations.

My dd grew up playing with trains and other "male" focused toys, she even wore "boys" underwear because she loved Thomas so much... It's just toys, they are just clothes... they are an expression of their imagination and not some great indicator of someone being some lesser than they are expected to be...

thepeopleversuswork · 17/08/2020 14:07

@contrmary

I think you both have valid points. It really depends at what age he stops wanting to play with "girl's" toys. At five, he might get away with it, by seven or eight he will get bullied for it. The thing with school kids is that they remember these things - if a bully picks up on his habit in the next couple of years, it could well stick with him into his teens.
So if other children bully this boy because other people have neanderthal ideas about "girls" toys and "boys" toys then the OP's son has to adapt his behaviour to those outdated stereotypes. OK then....

Glad I'm not your son.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/08/2020 14:20

It’s 2020 and still with this shit? Jesus it’s so depressing. The only one bullying him is your ex dh. Kids don’t give a shit what other kids play with. Tell you ex he can pick up the tab for ds’ therapy in 15 years time.

Hamm87 · 17/08/2020 14:30

Don't care about the lol dolls as you can get boy and girl dolls i have no issue with that however the handbag i would just get him a little backpack or bum bag

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 14:39

Mmm I don’t know.
I have 3 boys and a girl and of course they all used to play with each other’s toys. Cars, trains, dolls, prams whatever they wanted to.
Would I buy my son a doll? No I don’t think I would.

DustbinTimberlake · 17/08/2020 14:51

@Hamm87

Don't care about the lol dolls as you can get boy and girl dolls i have no issue with that however the handbag i would just get him a little backpack or bum bag
Why? He likes handbags. What exactly is wrong with a boy with a handbag-style bag?
DustbinTimberlake · 17/08/2020 14:51

Again, why? A boy with a toy shaped like a baby human? HOW SHOCKING

DustbinTimberlake · 17/08/2020 14:52

^^sorry, quote fail. Second comment was at Tlollj

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 14:54

I don’t think I’d be shocked.
Just wouldn’t go out of my way to buy one.
Would I buy my dgd a t shirt with a dinosaur on? Yeah. Would I buy a pink unicorn one for my dgs no probably not. I can’t tell you why. Just wouldn’t.

LoadsOfTrouble · 17/08/2020 14:55

Hi, I agree with others here that it's the dad who has a problem, not ds.

That said, in my experience there is a certain amount of 'policing' of gender conformity in schools and nurseries, practiced by narrow-minded parents and, sadly, occasionally by children. So it is not impossible that your son does one day get bullied if he behaves in conspicuously 'girly' fashion - but then his dad's job would be to defend his right to play whichever way he likes, not to get on your case about what toys he has access to.

I can't think of any readings on this issue specifically, but more broadly on gender stereotypes there are two good books by Cordelia Fine, called 'Delusions of Gender' and 'Testosterone Rex'. Good luck!

Annasgirl · 17/08/2020 14:59

@Spicedgingerbreadlatte83 lol nearly spat my tea out! I’m going to save that pic to use.

ILoveFood87 · 17/08/2020 14:59

My very typical teen boy used to push around a pushchair and play with dolls. He carried a pink handbag around at home because he liked it. Hes not damaged. He was never bullied. He did ask for a pink fluffy lunchbox and I said no because i thought he may get picked on but it wasn't a big deal he simply picked another one.

ILoveFood87 · 17/08/2020 15:02

He also played with a huge garage and cars and thought he was ben 10. Nothing wrong with kids playing. It's your ex that has the problem