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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sons dad wants him to stop playing with "girl"toys.

95 replies

RottenTomatoes959 · 17/08/2020 11:30

So myself and my ex had a disagreement yesterday about toys my 5 year old son likes.

Hes been asking for lol dolls for christmas and has a little handbag he likes to put stuff in at home, just his nanas old one, nothing fancy. It's what he likes and I've never even considered it an issue.

His dad went ballistic and said hell get bullied which will emotionally damage him, whereas I think stifling or hiding his interests would be worse.

The issue for me here is is that no matter what I say his dad will disagree so I really need proper researches articles or info from child psychologists or something to show him, and soon as my DS has already mentioned ti me once or twice hes not allowed have "girly" toys in his dads and seems upset.

Can someone please help?

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 20:23

[quote Tlollj]@RedRumTheHorse
Charming.
Boys and girls of course play with all the toys at nursery, school, childminders wherever and that’s fine wouldn’t dream of trying to stop them.
But I wouldn’t buy my son a doll or a pram.[/quote]
But why not?

Why shouldn't a male child be raised to understand that parenting is not entirely the role of the woman? why should he be indoctrinated against male-childcare role play?

Why is a male parenting role play so threatening/uncomfortable for you?
Or are you worried he'll 'catch the gay'?

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 20:28

No I’m not worried he’ll catch the gay and I resent the implication.
There is nothing wrong with being a boy and playing with any and all toys. Would I go out of my way to buy a toy usually associated with girls. No I wouldn’t. He’s a boy. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Komacho · 17/08/2020 20:30

No one is saying there's anything wrong with being a boy.

Thunderbolted · 17/08/2020 20:44

@Tlollj you say there's nothing wrong with being a boy, but have you ever stopped to think what being a boy has got to do with unicorns on T shirts or not playing with dolls?

With the unicorns that's just marketing. Gendered clothing (and toys) only really started mid 20th century purely as a means to make more money. You must see there's nothing intrinsic in the unicorns /pink/frills that relates to a child's sex? In abiding by the stereotypes you're just being a sucker for advertising.

Dolls is a bit more subtle (although action figures are dolls) and relate to gender stereotyping of toys. This is actively damaging to children. It's damaging to girls because the 'boys' toys tend to develop problem solving/spatial skills/scientific skills whereas 'girls' toys are often about nurture, art, craft, baking etc which gives boys a headstart in subjects with higher earning power.

It's damaging to boys because they learn that nurture isn't important and to be tough and minimise their feelings. It's in part the reason why your sons are more likely to kill themselves than if they were women.

So you won't but a boy a unicorn t shirt or a doll because

  1. The marketing has worked on you, and
  2. You've bought into damaging gender stereotypes which damage both boys and girls.

If that sounds wrong have a think and let us know an alternative reason.

Daftodil · 17/08/2020 20:52

No issue with getting boys dolls or girls cars etc, but you might want to look into LOL dolls further. They have been doing the rounds on Facebook this week as they change colour in icy water to reveal bondage gear, tattoos, fishnets, devil tails, nipple tassels etc: m.facebook.com/1169250939/videos/10200317896207908/

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 21:00

I don’t know what else to say. 🤷‍♀️
Maybe it depends how old they are I honestly don’t know.
I think there are boys clothes and girls clothes. I wouldn’t buy my ten year old grandson a skirt, why? Because he’s a boy.
I wouldn’t buy my eight year old granddaughter boys clothes, why? Because she’s a girl. ( I have to say at this point they’ve never asked)
Toys as I’ve said before I had three boys and a girl and they all just played with each other’s toys at home and I dare say at nursery, school etc.
I wouldn’t buy them though.
They seem to have grown up ok and now have children of their own.
I don’t know what else to say.

WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 21:03

@Tlollj

No I’m not worried he’ll catch the gay and I resent the implication. There is nothing wrong with being a boy and playing with any and all toys. Would I go out of my way to buy a toy usually associated with girls. No I wouldn’t. He’s a boy. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
No one has said there's anything 'wrong' with being a boyConfused

What we're asking is how do games that role model parenthood eg dolls make him less of a boy?

They only do if you assume that child rearing is an inherently female activity, otherwise why is a boy rolemodelling childcare so uncomfortable for you?

I think it's a shame that misogyny is so internalised by women that they won't allow their own sons to practice parenting and instead raise them with a toxic masculine mindset that child rearing is a 'girls' activity

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 21:07

Well they’re all grown now and muck in at home with their own children so I guess it didn’t do them any harm. But like I’ve said I wouldn’t stop then playing with dolls they played with their sister’s toys and at school / nursery.

WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 21:09

@Tlollj

Well they’re all grown now and muck in at home with their own children so I guess it didn’t do them any harm. But like I’ve said I wouldn’t stop then playing with dolls they played with their sister’s toys and at school / nursery.
So what's the difference between that and buying them one of those same toys when they ask for it?
slashlover · 17/08/2020 21:11

Why wouldn't you buy your son a doll? genuine question.

Because in society being male = good, being female = bad.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2020 21:14

There is nothing wrong with being a boy/man and maybe that’s where it comes from.
I agree @Tlollj they're is nothing wrong with being a male, I have 3 boys and a husband myself. I just don't associate their taste in toys/clothes with their gender/sex. I'm not trying to pretend I have a daughter when I let DS be the girl superhero or a princess , or when he sits and cuddles his (my old) doll whilst I cuddle his brothers. It doesn't make him less of a boy just like when DH pushed the pram or change nappies. What makes th men/boys is pure biology

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 21:16

They never asked so never had to say no. I don’t know what the difference is I can’t answer. But I just can’t imagine buying a doll or a pram for a boy.

WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 21:20

@SleepingStandingUp

There is nothing wrong with being a boy/man and maybe that’s where it comes from. I agree *@Tlollj* they're is nothing wrong with being a male, I have 3 boys and a husband myself. I just don't associate their taste in toys/clothes with their gender/sex. I'm not trying to pretend I have a daughter when I let DS be the girl superhero or a princess , or when he sits and cuddles his (my old) doll whilst I cuddle his brothers. It doesn't make him less of a boy just like when DH pushed the pram or change nappies. What makes th men/boys is pure biology
If you don't associate a particular toy with sex then why would you refuse to buy one a doll for a boy who asks for one?

If you wouldn't then you're essentially agreeing with the OP...

WaltzingBetty · 17/08/2020 21:22

@Tlollj

They never asked so never had to say no. I don’t know what the difference is I can’t answer. But I just can’t imagine buying a doll or a pram for a boy.
Ah ok so you just came onto the thread to tell us how you'd respond in a totally different situation, where you wouldn't buy a toy for a child who didn't ask for one

Fair enough. Not really seeing how it helps the OP though....

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 21:22

Don’t know what else to say @SleepingStandingUp except why doesn’t he have his own doll to cuddle why does he have to cuddle yours? 😀 sorry I’m being flippant.
I understand that biology makes them boys / men.

Tlollj · 17/08/2020 21:25

Fair enough @WaltzingBetty we do seem to have gone off on a tangent.
Maybe my boys were lucky to have a sister so they could play with her toys.

jessstan2 · 17/08/2020 21:39

You're not at all unreasonable to want him to play with whatever he likes. My big grown up son loved playing with teasets and hanging out washing; my mum used to give him rags and t-towels to hang out on a little clothes line she made. He also used to dance around and sing a lot of the time.

When puberty was imminent he turned into a monosyllabic bloke almost overnight.

They change so much and you'll probably find your son likes playing with both (traditionally) girls' and boys' toys for a while, which is quite normal.

They all seem to like pots, pans and kitchens.

I hated dolls, liked dinky cars and building sets and my dad never minded telling people he loved playing with his sisters' dolls when he was a kid.

Your husband is worrying unnecessarily.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2020 21:41

@Tlollj

Don’t know what else to say *@SleepingStandingUp* except why doesn’t he have his own doll to cuddle why does he have to cuddle yours? 😀 sorry I’m being flippant. I understand that biology makes them boys / men.
It's mine from when I was Tony, I've never thrown her out but she's about the size of his twin brothers so he prefers her slightly to his own doll, altho his doll cries and giggles so he likes her more sometimes too. It was the unicorn who got pushed around on the toy buggy the most though
Tlollj · 17/08/2020 21:45

You sound like you have a lovely family @SleepingStandingUp certainly got your hands full.

fuckingcovid · 17/08/2020 22:19

I would give a boy or a girl LOL dolls. They're obscene

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