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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother is a cheater- do I tell?

131 replies

baddabingbongbang · 16/08/2020 17:26

Name changed for this just in case.
My brother is a serial cheat. He's cheated physically and emotionally with multiple women including close friends of his over the course of about 5 years. He and his girlfriend are both 24 and are planning on buying a house soon. He's treated her appallingly and she deserves so much better than this. He's told my parents that every time she gets close to finding out, he lies and twists the situation to save his own skin, calling her controlling, threatening to leave her etc until she backs down and trusts him.

I'm really torn whether I should tell her. Everyone in the family knows what he's like but she appears none the wiser. We'd all hoped he'd be found out organically before things got too serious between them but this has been going on for years now and they're on the brink of a big commitment to each other.
Any experiences or advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
louleey · 16/08/2020 21:10

Absolutely tell her. This will eventually destroy her she is being abused and gaslighted and it won’t get better only worse. She deserves to know, move on and start over with somebody that will treat her right
Ask yourself, would you rather know?

LadyEloise · 16/08/2020 21:27

Bad things happen when good people do nothing. Sad
I'd want to know.
Do it anonymously, somehow, in such a way that she can check it out.
She deserves to know.
Your parent's attitude is disappointing.

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 22:26

If you know the name of any of the people he cheated with I would personally maybe set up a fake social media profile and message her as that person
No, don’t be impersonating someone else online,to reveal his infidelities that’s shocking advice .
If you need to keep it anonymous set a new email

dwiz8 · 16/08/2020 22:27

@SentientAndCognisant

If you know the name of any of the people he cheated with I would personally maybe set up a fake social media profile and message her as that person No, don’t be impersonating someone else online,to reveal his infidelities that’s shocking advice . If you need to keep it anonymous set a new email
Was simply stating what I would do, hardly offering advice...
Tunnocks34 · 16/08/2020 22:29

Tricky.

She deserved to know but I can Almost guarantee she won’t believe you. If she’s been so conditioned to believe his shit, he’ll make you out to be a crazy liar.

2toe · 16/08/2020 22:29

It isn’t just cheating, he’s twisting and gaslighting, making her believe she is imagining things and calling her controlling, that’s emotional abuse. I personally wouldn’t be interested in maintaining a relationship with any family member who is abusive or ignoring it in any form. I’m horribly blunt so would probably call him out in the middle of a family dinner, put him and your parents on the spot, will they lie and call you crazy in front of her? I would let her know just who the man and family she is joining are and let her make up her own one from there.

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 22:32

Really?you'd pretend to be someone else, post a made up story
So telling lies, to expose a liar. How’s that work?

dwiz8 · 16/08/2020 23:18

@SentientAndCognisant

Really?you'd pretend to be someone else, post a made up story So telling lies, to expose a liar. How’s that work?
Nope

I would pose as the person he has cheated with to tell a truthful story

If the person was someone who wouldn't believe me, they might believe someone who he actually cheated with. If you made someone up, when confronted he would give a believable denial.

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 23:51

@dwiz8

You don't see anything problematic about posing as someone an abusive man has slept with to tell his girlfriend he's shagged her behind her back?

You don't think an abusive man might take it upon himself to want revenge on the real person, not knowing it was actually someone posing as them who did it.

Men like him don't like to be called out. He could share with others explicit pictures of the real girl someone else posed as or anything, to get back at her. For something she didn't do. What an awful thing that would be to do to another woman.

dwiz8 · 16/08/2020 23:56

[quote backseatcookers]@dwiz8

You don't see anything problematic about posing as someone an abusive man has slept with to tell his girlfriend he's shagged her behind her back?

You don't think an abusive man might take it upon himself to want revenge on the real person, not knowing it was actually someone posing as them who did it.

Men like him don't like to be called out. He could share with others explicit pictures of the real girl someone else posed as or anything, to get back at her. For something she didn't do. What an awful thing that would be to do to another woman. [/quote]
Where has the OP said he is abusive?

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 23:59

@dwiz8

In the very first post.

He's treated her appallingly and she deserves so much better than this. He's told my parents that every time she gets close to finding out, he lies and twists the situation to save his own skin, calling her controlling, threatening to leave her etc until she backs down and trusts him.

Lies, gaslighting, DARVO, threats... you think a man like this wouldn't react aggressively and with vitriol if he thought a woman he slept with had told his girlfriend about it? Maybe you hadn't considered that but I now it's been flagged surely you can see how unfair that would be?

CoffeeRunner · 17/08/2020 00:00

Yes OP. She is 24. She has suffered enough.

She isn’t living the life she thinks she is. She thinks she’s in a happy, faithful, relationship & is planning things based on that. That’s not fair. She deserves the truth.

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:24

[quote backseatcookers]@dwiz8

In the very first post.

He's treated her appallingly and she deserves so much better than this. He's told my parents that every time she gets close to finding out, he lies and twists the situation to save his own skin, calling her controlling, threatening to leave her etc until she backs down and trusts him.

Lies, gaslighting, DARVO, threats... you think a man like this wouldn't react aggressively and with vitriol if he thought a woman he slept with had told his girlfriend about it? Maybe you hadn't considered that but I now it's been flagged surely you can see how unfair that would be?[/quote]
No because he hasn't shown any indication of violence

You can't just assume an emotional abuser will become a physical abuser.

backseatcookers · 17/08/2020 00:38

@dwiz8

I didn't, I said he would likely want revenge and my example was him being able to share explicit pictures of her or something like that. I mean we can agree to disagree, but I was expressing my opinion that posing as a real woman involved in the situation when you aren't her is a really fucked up idea and unfair on the real woman involved.

dwiz8 · 17/08/2020 00:40

[quote backseatcookers]@dwiz8

I didn't, I said he would likely want revenge and my example was him being able to share explicit pictures of her or something like that. I mean we can agree to disagree, but I was expressing my opinion that posing as a real woman involved in the situation when you aren't her is a really fucked up idea and unfair on the real woman involved.[/quote]
A bit bold to assume he would do anything tbh.

backseatcookers · 17/08/2020 00:43

@dwiz8

I mean... it's clear we don't agree but impersonating another woman in a volatile relationship situation is at best odd and at worst dangerous. Like I said, agree to disagree. Not sure why you seem so angry and defensive - it's your prerogative to do stuff like that. I was just flagging it's unfair on the real woman you would be (hypothetically) impersonating as you may not have thought about it. You do you!

HotPenguin · 17/08/2020 00:45

Can you somehow tell her in a way that makes it look like an accident? Eg "I wasn't sure you would take him back last year after he had the affair with X. Oh, you didn't know?"

That kind of thing?

Or do you have a mutual friend, could you "get drunk" and tell them? Could you tell a member of her family and ask them not to let on it was you?

chickenyhead · 17/08/2020 00:48

this is difficult.

If you do tell her, you need to be prepared for the possible consequences.

You are going against your family's beliefs. You could be ostracised. She might not even believe you, without evidence. He will just say that you are jealous, bitter etc.

I'm sorry but I have stayed out of these things historically, beyond telling my brother he is vile and encouraging his now exs to get a life outside of the relationship.

PeachGinMummy · 17/08/2020 00:53

Actually respectfully to PPs I don't think this is difficult at all. Sure on the surface it's family vs 'the right thing to do'. But by twisting things and calling her controlling, he is affecting her mental health. That's where it becomes black and white. That to me is no different to physical abuse. Now she may struggle to believe you when you tell her but that's a different kettle of fish. I don't think it's a situation for 'dry snitching' at all. Tell her outright and end the abuse.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 17/08/2020 10:13

tell her!

user1481840227 · 17/08/2020 15:18

If they're planning on buying a house then kids are probably in their future plans.

I actually think it's disgusting for people to sit back and let this woman be abused like this...and if she gets pregnant he'll cheat on her through the whole pregnancy...when the baby is born he'll cheat on her too....he'll also continue to gaslight her, make her afraid to say anything to him to challenge him or he'll threaten to leave. It will crush her mental health even more and will impact the kids...and none of you will have said anything

By expecting him to tell her and come clean you're essentially sitting back and waiting for an abuser to stop abusing someone. That doesn't happen.

ekidmxcl · 18/08/2020 09:17

Imagine her finding out once they have a shared property and a baby. She needs to know now.

SentientAndCognisant · 18/08/2020 20:34

@dwiz8 you’re still essentially advocating lying and purporting to be someone else
“I would pose as the person he has cheated with to tell a truthful story”
So you’d pretend to be someone else (woman he cheated with) and you’d misrepresent her and embellish/invent a story. You’d have to embellish events as you have no direct collateral

Still stack up as Lying to catch a liar? And it’s convoluted

backseatcookers · 18/08/2020 23:22

[quote SentientAndCognisant]@dwiz8 you’re still essentially advocating lying and purporting to be someone else
“I would pose as the person he has cheated with to tell a truthful story”
So you’d pretend to be someone else (woman he cheated with) and you’d misrepresent her and embellish/invent a story. You’d have to embellish events as you have no direct collateral

Still stack up as Lying to catch a liar? And it’s convoluted[/quote]
It's mad isn't it? So irresponsible! Also making the poor woman being impersonated a target for the wrath of the man involved. I don't know why the poster didn't feel able to say shit yeah I hadn't thought about the repercussions for the woman I would be impersonating. Really odd.

user1481840227 · 19/08/2020 15:47

Impersonating someone else is just a stupid idea.

The brother has openly admitted he is abusing this woman. There is no acceptable level or type of abuse in a relationship.

The family should be able to say to him your behaviour is abusive and I am telling your girlfriend.

Simple as that, its the only right thing to do.

I wish I knew who this woman was myself so I could link her to this thread because its been on my mind since I read it. I just think it's heartbreaking and disgusting that she's being abused, and that everyone knows and is allowing it to continue.

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