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Original poster

Brother is a cheater- do I tell?

131 replies

baddabingbongbang · 16/08/2020 17:26

Name changed for this just in case.
My brother is a serial cheat. He's cheated physically and emotionally with multiple women including close friends of his over the course of about 5 years. He and his girlfriend are both 24 and are planning on buying a house soon. He's treated her appallingly and she deserves so much better than this. He's told my parents that every time she gets close to finding out, he lies and twists the situation to save his own skin, calling her controlling, threatening to leave her etc until she backs down and trusts him.

I'm really torn whether I should tell her. Everyone in the family knows what he's like but she appears none the wiser. We'd all hoped he'd be found out organically before things got too serious between them but this has been going on for years now and they're on the brink of a big commitment to each other.
Any experiences or advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 16/08/2020 18:20

It's a difficult one.

BIL was (is still for all I know) a serial cheater. MIL never knew but DH and I were well aware he'd cheated on at least 3 girlfriends/partners. He nearly bought a house with one and wasted years of her life when they were in their 30s.

DH decided that his relationship with his brother was more important in the end.

EllenRipley · 16/08/2020 18:21

What @user1471457751 said, 100%.

The cheating is bad enough; I'd still say tell her. But the rest? Nah. Fuck him. It's in your power to give her the opportunity for a better, happier life.

thefourgp · 16/08/2020 18:21

You and your parents are enabling him to treat his girlfriend like shit without him having to take any responsibility for his actions. He clearly feels comfortable telling you all about his exploits because he knows you’ll all wag you finger at him then do fuck all.

boatyardblues · 16/08/2020 18:22

He is also making you all complicit in his treatment of her by telling you. By keeping his dirty secrets, you are tacitly condoning it so he (correctly) thinks his family support him in this behaviour. Poor woman! If it was me, I’d want to know.

RoadworksAgain · 16/08/2020 18:24

I'd be absolutely disgusted in my son if he behaved like that, and like fuck would I listen to his bragging about the emotional abuse and manipulation he oust his girlfriend through.

Your parents are as disgusting as he is.

Yes, tell her.

You'll be doing her the biggest favour of her life.

Notapheasantplucker · 16/08/2020 18:29

Yes tell her, op.

DeRigueurMortis · 16/08/2020 18:29

Of course you tell her.

So many people get away with shitty behaviour because the people around them enable it by keeping their secrets.

It's what they depend on.

Look at it this way, you're not just helping his GF but you're also helping your brother by not enabling his shitty behaviour and forcing him to confront it.

MikeUniformMike · 16/08/2020 18:38

OP, what if you don't tell her and they buy a house, maybe marry, have children ... and then she finds out, it'll be a bigger mess.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 16/08/2020 18:39

tell her - and don't pass the buck and tell someone else in the hope that they'll do it for you?

CareBear50 "Obviously you love your brother" why make that assumption?
The OP might do, but given that brother is a manipulative twat, maybe she despises him, or is simply dispassionate about him?

Inkpaperstars · 16/08/2020 18:42

I came on here ready to say no, but if I was her I would really want to know. She is so young and has no reason to stay with a man who not only cheats on her but does it repeatedly and without regret, shows no indication of changing, and treats her (justified) suspicions with manipulation and gaslighting.

Have you asked him why he tries to save the relationship? Why not just end it and play the field if that is what he wants? I think I would tell her, but I would front it out with him first and tell him you will have to do it if he doesn't.

middleeasternpromise · 16/08/2020 18:42

The doing nothing option is not without its consequences. My sisters husband had been up to no good for goodness knows how long and his family sound like yours - lovely but complicit to the deceit. So after a 20 year marriage with 3 lovely children she discovered last year that he has another family. Thats what liars and cheats do - they keep going. So now she is divorced, clearly refuses to have any contact with her children's paternal side of the family (how do you do that when they have covered such lies) and the innocent children of the marriage are torn between a cheating dad and his deceitful family (who by the way were hosting visits with the secret grandchildren) - its an utter mess. Now consider where it gets you waiting for karma....

GypsyRoseGarden · 16/08/2020 18:43

staying quiet, in my eyes, is akin to supporting your brother's behavior, or at the very least, enabling it - I would be concerned that my brother would take my inaction as a show of support for his subterfuge

I would tell her absolutely - its not about being loyal to the family, or to your brother - it is about being a decent human being

workhomesleeprepeat · 16/08/2020 18:44

Tell her. I didn't see my ex's sisters that much (lived in a different town), and they were always sooooo nice to me when they did. Like almost...too nice? Anyway, I thought whatever, they are just nice people.

When I left him one of his sisters got in touch and said how sorry she was and that I deserved better than 'all those girls' he was stepping out on me with.

I was only aware of one at the time...!

Leflic · 16/08/2020 18:44

Agree with those saying tell.

Why are you keeping his secrets? If he’s blatantly doing it, you can
blatantly address it. Over Sunday lunch preferably where you’re parents can back you. Ask how he’s planning to sleep with other people when they are living together.Make it sound like everyone knows and it’s fine you thought their relationship was open.
Might kick off but he’s the one in the wrong - otherwise he woukdn’t be hiding it.

pinkprosseco · 16/08/2020 18:46

Roadworksagain that's very harsh comment about OPs parents. Calm down. The family are obviously concerned and OP is trying to figure out what to do for the best, she wouldn't have posted here if she didn't care.
OP I would tell a friend of hers as someone suggested and hope it gets back to her soon and meanwhile talk to DB about not ruining people's lives

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 18:47

Tell her anonymously
Use Different Email address ,give irrefutable actual evidence that he cannot deny.name,dates
Then at least she’s got the info up to her what she does with it

katy1213 · 16/08/2020 18:49

She's so young - don't let her mess up her life, just tell her. If she goes ahead anyway, well, at least she made an informed decision.
Your brother will be shagging someone else in no time. Do you actually care about having a relationship with him?

BluebellForest836 · 16/08/2020 18:53

I personally wouldn’t tell but I value my relationship with my brother over the one with my SIL.

jessstan2 · 16/08/2020 18:53

@user1471457751

He's not only cheating but also gaslighting her and being emotionally abusive. I can't understand how your parents are ignoring this.
That.

She needs to know while she can escape before damage is done.

Your brother is not ready to settle down, that is obvious. It would be a good idea if you and your parents talked to him about the responsibilities of having a committed partnership and suggest he re-evaluates the situation. He will only mess her about if they stay together. In a few years he may be different but right now is not the time for him to be putting down roots. He still sees himself as a single guy.

Sparklfairy · 16/08/2020 18:53

When she's trying her finances to him... I wouldn't be able to lie for him any longer sorry.

ekidmxcl · 16/08/2020 18:54

She’s so young and she is being tortured by him. Really mentally tortured. She thinks something is up and she tries to ask him and he tricks her.

I’d tell her directly. There are no kids and no marriage. No shared property. Tell her so she can have a better life.

He sounds like my BIL and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So cruel.

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 18:55

Few years ago at uni,had a good friend,we were all a close group.
Her DP was a serial shagger Went on quite blatantly, to extent he was seen out with other girls
He always had an excuse, she always believed him. Eventually, we sat her down. Told her...she didn’t believe it. He said we were lying,jealous ous of the relationship etc. She Fell out with us all really abruptly
They married.Had kids.Hes still a serial shagger

SoulofanAggron · 16/08/2020 18:55

I would tell her- she deserves to know before it's too late and they buy a place. They'll split up eventually at some point anyway I expect, but with a house to sort out it'll be so much more stressful for her.

You could ask her to keep quiet about who she found out from, so as not to cause family drama (unless you want to confront him about it.)

Good on you for caring about her. xxx

RoadworksAgain · 16/08/2020 18:56

pinkprosecco the parents aren't that arsed, are they?

The OP says he's being doing this for 5 years and has been telling his parents that every time she gets close to finding out, he lies and twists the situation to save his own skin, calling her controlling, threatening to leave her etc until she backs down and trusts him.

Doesn't sound like they have challenged his behaviour, asked why exactly he's buying a house with this poor girl, or done anything to intervene or protect her from his abuse.

They've raised an emotionally manipulative abuser. And the whole family have brushed over it with a roll of the eyes and a "ooooh what's he like, eh" Hmm