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Original poster

Brother is a cheater- do I tell?

131 replies

baddabingbongbang · 16/08/2020 17:26

Name changed for this just in case.
My brother is a serial cheat. He's cheated physically and emotionally with multiple women including close friends of his over the course of about 5 years. He and his girlfriend are both 24 and are planning on buying a house soon. He's treated her appallingly and she deserves so much better than this. He's told my parents that every time she gets close to finding out, he lies and twists the situation to save his own skin, calling her controlling, threatening to leave her etc until she backs down and trusts him.

I'm really torn whether I should tell her. Everyone in the family knows what he's like but she appears none the wiser. We'd all hoped he'd be found out organically before things got too serious between them but this has been going on for years now and they're on the brink of a big commitment to each other.
Any experiences or advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
Flynn999 · 16/08/2020 19:36

Tell the poor lass before she’s financially tied to him or even worse pregnant. He’s messing around and assuming the gf is on the pill (I.e they don’t use condoms) he’s potentially bringing home all sorts of STI’s.

If you don’t want to tell her as yourself is there a friend/cousin etc that knows him and just say that they saw him for example on Friday night kissing x, they happen to know x and x confirmed a few days later that they went back to hers and had sex etc and he’s been texting her etc. (Doesn’t matter if x does know the friend etc) Alternatively make a fake Facebook profile and send the message as tho it’s the person He’s been unfaithful with.

If she chooses to believe him then that’s her lookout, but if it was me I’d want to know. If I chose to stay in the relationship then that’s my choice to make.

motherogod · 16/08/2020 19:37

Your brother sounds unwell. I'd try to reach out to him with some sense of compassion, encourage him to tell his gf and get him to find help - he can't be happy to be like this.

ajandjjmum · 16/08/2020 19:38

Please tell her.

I say this as the mother of a beautiful DD in her late 20's, who level of trust in other people (men!) has been destroyed through the careless and lying nature of a couple of ex-boyfriends.

She was called controlling, suspicious, neurotic etc., and yet in every case found that there was a reason for her mistrust.

It's downright cruel, and she should not suffer because of this loser's shortcomings.

Pancakebreakiii · 16/08/2020 19:40

Please tell her before she financially commits to him

TheEC · 16/08/2020 19:43

I beg you to tell her. One incident or affair is unforgivable but I can understand keeping quiet for your brother. But repeated offences and they’re both so young still... don’t let her ruin years of her life with this man. He’s clearly not ready for this type of relationship and she deserves so much better

oakleaffy · 16/08/2020 19:47

Shameful of family not to tell him how awful he is being.
When my relation was being unfaithful, their mother said they were ''Being weak and unfair to the children''
It is a tricky one, but the young woman needs to know...before getting mired with children and a mortgage with an unfaithful partner.

SlightlyJaded · 16/08/2020 19:47

24 is no age at all. Imagine being condemned to a life of lies and gaslighting when you could have - with the right information - made the choice to meet someone who deserves you? And imagine if you - aged fifty, with three kids found out your DH had been cheating on you for twenty five years and everyone knew but not one person saved you?

Please tell her.
I would consider you a reliable source seeing as you would be snitching on your own brother.

I think in her shoes, you would be exactly the person I would want to tell me. Someone who knows him, who loves him but liked me enough to kindly put me straight.

user1481840227 · 16/08/2020 19:47

Absolutely tell her.

This is quite a rare situation where you actually have an abuser (because that's what he is) telling people he's abusing his partner and no one is calling him out on it and are allowing this to continue.

Lying and twisting the situation and calling her controlling is gaslighting, that is abusive behaviour. It can have far reaching consequences on a persons mental health and ability to trust their own judgement even when they are out of that relationship.

MikeUniformMike · 16/08/2020 19:48

I'd write an anonymous letter.

Cowardly, yes, and runs the risk of disbelief, but you will have done your bit.

Less cowardly, tell her straight. You'll probably not be believed and fall out with both of them, upset your mum etc.

namechangetheworld · 16/08/2020 19:50

I think you should be loyal to your brother, as dickish as he is. I personally wouldn't risk a family fallout, especially if it involved my parents too.

If you somehow told her anonymously, would they suspect you? If not, I would definitely do that.

Kasparovski · 16/08/2020 19:50

Actually, I’d give him an ultimatum to tell her. If he fails to, then tell her. At least then, she knows and has had the warnings.

MrsKeats · 16/08/2020 19:51

Tell her. Poor girl does not deserve to have her life turned upside down.
If they buy a house it won't be getting any easier will it?

vegansprinkle · 16/08/2020 19:53

Please tell her. She has the opportunity to start again

tenlittlecygnets · 16/08/2020 19:56

Of course I'd tell her. He sounds absolutely awful. She needs to know the truth so she can make an informed decision about whether to stay or go.

And wtf are your parents doing enabling him? I;d be so angry and disappointed in my ds if that was me.

Tistheseason17 · 16/08/2020 19:57

Your brother is a manipulative, narcissistic bully.
Making this poor young woman feel like his behaviour is acceptable and it's her fault - shame on him. Knowingly letting him continue this was is enabling him.
Tell her, please.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 16/08/2020 20:07

OP: when she finds out ( not if, when) she is going to feel doubly betrayed - his whole family knew about this behaviour and condoned it. How can you live with yourself knowing this and not letting the young woman know? Your brother is behaving despicably and you are no better as long as you and the family don't help this young woman .

MorrisZapp · 16/08/2020 20:14

I'd stay out of it. She probably knows at least some of it but really wants to stay with him anyway. There's a strong chance they'd circle the wagons against the haters, leaving you and your parents out in the cold.

I've never heard of anyone receiving friendly advice about how awful their partner is and being grateful. You'd be putting her in the position of feeling forced to end her relationship, which probably means as much to her as yours does to you.

PerfectPenquins · 16/08/2020 20:15

I cant believe people would keep quiet out of loyalty to a nasty, cheating, gaslighting emotional abuser. Why? Just because he is related? I'd be utterly disgusted if my brother behaved that way and would openly admit to telling the gf. Its the gf that deserves some human kindness not more people to be complicit in his poor treatment of her, i wouldn't want to be any part of that and knowing about it would make me a part of it.

Plumplumbadum · 16/08/2020 20:22

@PerfectPenquins

I cant believe people would keep quiet out of loyalty to a nasty, cheating, gaslighting emotional abuser. Why? Just because he is related? I'd be utterly disgusted if my brother behaved that way and would openly admit to telling the gf. Its the gf that deserves some human kindness not more people to be complicit in his poor treatment of her, i wouldn't want to be any part of that and knowing about it would make me a part of it.
Absolutely right.
DeRigueurMortis · 16/08/2020 20:27

@motherogod

Your brother sounds unwell. I'd try to reach out to him with some sense of compassion, encourage him to tell his gf and get him to find help - he can't be happy to be like this.

Unwell?????

Really????

He's a selfish cunt...that's all...

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 20:32

He doesn’t sound unwell in the least. He’s a liar, adept at manipulation
That in itself doesn’t = unwell. Don’t pathologise bad behaviour

backseatcookers · 16/08/2020 20:38

@motherogod

Your brother sounds unwell. I'd try to reach out to him with some sense of compassion, encourage him to tell his gf and get him to find help - he can't be happy to be like this.
He has a severe case of cuntitis.

100% tell her OP, he never will and think how terrible you'll feel once he's got her pregnant, mortgage together and he's out still cheating on her while she's home with the baby then he tells her she's mental and controlling and nobody else will want her etc.

If your parents kick up a fuss, remind them that if they do stay together and he keeps cheating and breaking her self confidence by lying, cheating and gaslighting, that's a relationship they will have been complicit in bringing a baby into.

You sound a kind person - be true to that quality in yourself and do what you know is right.

I wish every gaslighting little shit had a sister like you with a good moral compass!

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 20:45

He has a severe case of cuntitis Christ aye there’s plenty of them about
Unfortunately

Leflic · 16/08/2020 21:02

@namechangetheworld

I think you should be loyal to your brother, as dickish as he is. I personally wouldn't risk a family fallout, especially if it involved my parents too.

If you somehow told her anonymously, would they suspect you? If not, I would definitely do that.

Why though? If everyone lets him get away with being a absolute twat, why would he stop.Its up to everyone to help him. There’s nothing wrong with being a player as long as the women involved know “the game“. He’ll be fine. As a family is it not better that you don’t have to cover fir him?
dwiz8 · 16/08/2020 21:06

Yanbu to tell her

But you need to think of how

If you know the name of any of the people he cheated with I would personally maybe set up a fake social media profile and message her as that person.

If you have any proof like messages from him confirming it maybe sent them anonymously

Or if not possible outright tell her. You need to do or say something before they buy somewhere together