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Original poster

Brother is a cheater- do I tell?

131 replies

baddabingbongbang · 16/08/2020 17:26

Name changed for this just in case.
My brother is a serial cheat. He's cheated physically and emotionally with multiple women including close friends of his over the course of about 5 years. He and his girlfriend are both 24 and are planning on buying a house soon. He's treated her appallingly and she deserves so much better than this. He's told my parents that every time she gets close to finding out, he lies and twists the situation to save his own skin, calling her controlling, threatening to leave her etc until she backs down and trusts him.

I'm really torn whether I should tell her. Everyone in the family knows what he's like but she appears none the wiser. We'd all hoped he'd be found out organically before things got too serious between them but this has been going on for years now and they're on the brink of a big commitment to each other.
Any experiences or advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
AntsMarching · 16/08/2020 18:58

This situation came up in my family. With my Aunt and Uncle (sister and brother). Aunt told Uncle’s wife, they split and Uncle didn’t talk to Aunt for 30 years. He also stayed away from the rest of us for that time as he thought we were all against him. For that reason, I wouldn’t tell, the fallout could be too great.

Palavah · 16/08/2020 19:01

What would you want to happen if it were you? Or your daughter?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2020 19:03

He is gaslighting her and this is perhaps going into abuse territory. By standing by and staying silent, in the end, for her at least, it will seem like tacit approval.

What about it karma doesn’t come naturally and he steps up his behaviour if she becomes pregnant? Or if she becomes infertile because of his cheating? Your brother doesn’t see her as a partner. He sees her as a doormat.

FloreanFortescue · 16/08/2020 19:04

Please tell her. She only has one life like the rest of us and by not telling her, she's wasting her life on your scumbag of a brother. This could be years lost to a bastard.

SentientAndCognisant · 16/08/2020 19:05

@Mummyoflittledragon and @FloreanFortescu both excellent posts

TheTrollFairy · 16/08/2020 19:05

If course you should tell her.
Your brother is gaslighting this woman which in my eyes is a form of abuse.
Tell her and tell her I’m front of the waste of space brother, hopefully with some proof so the worm can’t get out of it

QuacksInTheDark · 16/08/2020 19:06

When I was 20 I new a couple in the same situation he was cheating constantly and treating her like shit. I took the cowards way out and made a fake FB profile and sent the woman a message with all in the info I had.
She dumped him and went on to find and marry a great guy, she’s very happy years later. I would tell her. I would want to be told.

Nquartz · 16/08/2020 19:09

You really need to tell her, so many people on here who have been cheated on hated the realisation that they were the last to know. Imagine all of your in-laws knowing & turning a blind eye.

Willthisallblowover · 16/08/2020 19:14

You seem like a lovely person. I’m glad your going to tell her, she is only 24 and has plenty of time to find someone else. It would be horrible to see her go on to make a big commitment, maybe marry him, have kids and then she finds out further down the line and has wasted so many years on him.

You do know that your brother will twist things again and make out she is paranoid and crazy anyway. You’re probably going to have to get proof!
If it were me, I would be calling him out on his behaviour and would be speaking to your parents and asking them to back you up after all how would they feel if your boyfriend/partner was cheating on you.

Your brothers behaviour is despicable and he doesn’t love her.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 16/08/2020 19:14

The thing is, if your brother thinks his behaviour is acceptable, how much of a loss is it to you if he cuts you off?

I'd tell her.

I don't judge people just by the way they treat me, I judge them by how they treat others. I wouldn't care about keeping the brother in life until/unless he changed his attitudes towards women.

1forAll74 · 16/08/2020 19:14

Can't anyone get through to your Brother, to come clean to his innocent girlfriend about his cheating way of life. She needs to hear from Him. not some other person. But I don't suppose for one minute he will admit to his lack of decency and disrespect for anyone. He won't care for any heartbreak he causes, so basically,he is an awful waste of space.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/08/2020 19:15

Please tell her.

YOU would want to be told.

And think. Even if you look at it totally selfishly, from the point of view of being 'loyal' to your family - what's worse? Telling her now, or watching in 5, 6 years' time when it all blows up and your nephews/nieces are caught in the fallout, maybe your parents end up in a situation where they don't get to see their grandkids any more because their justifiably angry, heartbroken mother takes them very far away. Because that's how it will end up.

Do the decent thing. You never know, by the time your shit of a brother gets a second chance at starting a life and family with someone decent, maybe he'll have the sense to value it. 24 is young to be doing all this anyway. It doesn't excuse his behaviour in the slightest but - you know, he could still grow up. Losing this relationship might just help him see that.

LemonFanta123 · 16/08/2020 19:16

I found out my ex cheated on me... and then found out his whole family had known about it! Please tell her, she deserves better ❤️

handslikecowstits · 16/08/2020 19:16

I'd tell her but I'd be prepared for the fallout. The messenger always gets shot and from what you said, I think your parents would side with your brother.

Italiangreyhound · 16/08/2020 19:17

No experience but I think I'd tell her.

"they think as it's his relationship, it should be down to him to tell her or failing that, for karma to just come naturally."

The karma may come and it may affect more than him. Imagine if they have a child and then she finds out not only is he a serial cheat but you all knew and kept quiet. Maybe you'll all not get to have a relationship with their child, your niece or nephew, your parents grandchild.

He's gas lighting her and it seems very, very unfair.

Just be prepared that your brother will blame you and not his own crap behaivour.

letsdolunch321 · 16/08/2020 19:17

You need to tell the girlfriend otherwise she is signing up to a mortgage and a life of grief

It is dreadful that your parents have not told the girlfriend, as for your brother he needs his balls cutting off !!!

GabsAlot · 16/08/2020 19:19

hes a gaslighting twat i dont care what relation he is its disgusting

are you really bothered if he knows its you-if so just send an anonymous letter-hes literally sending her mad thinking shes imagining it all-u cant let it go on

Mintlegs · 16/08/2020 19:22

Can you write an anonymous letter to her with some form of proof?

bookstearocknroll · 16/08/2020 19:22

I was in this exact same position. I told him I'd tell her if he wouldn't. He didn't, so I eventually did.

She was devastated, confronted him and he told her I was a liar who was trying to break them up because I was jealous of their relationship.

Whether she believed him or just wanted to believe him and ignore the truth, I'm not sure, but she accepted his explanation and stayed with him anyway.

I was hurt to be painted as a liar and have that narrative apparently accepted by someone I'd risked my relationship with my brother for, but I'd still do it again because I'd want them to do it for me if the roles were reversed.

Snowman123 · 16/08/2020 19:26

I think your loyalty should be with your brother.

She will find out eventually, probably sooner rather than later.
If you want to go ahead and tell her do it anonymously!!

Quacks2020 · 16/08/2020 19:26

I would want to be told. It's heartbreaking. The damage he is doing to her confidence.
She knows he's up to no good and he is making out she's crazy.
I also took the cowards way out before and set up a fake profile to message a girl to let her know her boyfriend was cheating (with my good friend) but he was stringing them both along and I wanted it to come crashing down on him. The girl didn't believe me. They stayed together a further 2 years on top of the 7 they had been together.
Eventually left her for my friend.
My friend is so miserable with him!!. He is so insecure and constantly telling her she doesn't care about him, she gives him no attention etc etc. Paranoia from his past behaviour. My friend is not innocent just very naive.
Tell her because it will always end bad. Save her the years

Plumplumbadum · 16/08/2020 19:26

@BluebellForest836

I personally wouldn’t tell but I value my relationship with my brother over the one with my SIL.
Even if your brother was lying cheating scum? Hmm
stellarfox · 16/08/2020 19:27

Difficult situation but I’d probably tell her anonymously. Gaslighting is emotional abuse. She deserves better!

Careylisa · 16/08/2020 19:27

Has anyone in your family actually asked him why he wants to be with someone he clearly doesn't give a shit about???

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 16/08/2020 19:30

Please tell her.

And take a good long hard look at your parents and other relatives who are tacitly condoning this behaviour by listening to him plan to abuse and manipulate this poor young woman and not saying a word. He should be cut loose from the family until he can be a decent human being.

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