Grandparent who hasn't bothered with GC for 16years suddenly interested but GC aren't

[Sibsmum]

Trying to be fair here and finding it really hard because these are my Dd's. Need advice and possibly a perspective check.
The grandparent in question is not awful, just had literally never been interested in the two grandchildren on our side. Had a lot of interaction with her daughters daughters who are about ten years older or I could put it down to her personality being not especially maternal.
This has always baffled me but our DD's haven't missed what they have never had so I haven't made a fuss.
Move on 16 years and lockdown. The grandparent has been isolating alone. The other G C are grown and in other countries. We are literally all this grandparent has now in terms of family and I have been talking, texting ,sending gifts for all these years despite no relationship with our Dds.
I think lockdown had been lonely and hard for this grandparent and they suddenly want to talk to Dd's. One DD just says 'no' not interested. One has tried and says it's cringy because the grandparent has no idea what they do ,what they like or anything about them.
I don't feel like pushing Dd's to have contact because grandparent is kind of reaping what she's sown. At 16 and almost 18 I think they get to choose. I wouldn't either encourage or discourage, but think it's wrong to force it. We speak to this grandparent and DH visits ( no room for us all) and the relationship is not bad, just 'distant'.
So AIBU?
Any suggestions?

Trying to rekindle a relationship with teenagers over the phone is never going to be hugely successful.

I wouldn't bother pushing it. Keep communicating yourself but don't push them to talk. If the grandparent wants to discuss it, you can be honest about their lack of interest in the past.

I’d stick with ‘I’ll pass the message on’ ‘I’ll ask them to call’

No need to be more involved than that. They are old enough to choose.

I was in a similar position a few years back with a GP of mine. They had shown absolutely no interest in me beyond a hello or goodbye at family events. Then all of a sudden they turned around and started demanding more time with me. I was in my 20's at that point and I don't know if they felt like they had a few years left and were panicking but it just put a really bad taste in my mouth. I went out for one lunch with them but they had absolutely no idea who I was as a person, it felt like chatting to a stranger so in the end I just sacked it off. I would have been livid if i'd been forced to have had a relationship with them though, at that age your children are old enough to know where they stand in this persons eyes. I'd say let your children make that choice.

Would your daughters regret it when they are older if they didn’t make an effort?

The cynic in me would suspect that they’ve thought about the fact that their ‘favourites’ are no longer available and they’re trying to make sure they’re looked after in their old age.

For me, it would depend on their motives. If you think they are genuinely interested in your DC now and realised they have made a huge mistake, then I would encourage your DC to connect with them. If you think it is still all about them they are bored in lockdown

My grandfather was an awful, manipulative bully of a man who fortunately I had the good fortune never to meet (not when old enough to remember, anyway.) He physically and emotionally abused my mother and his two other children by another woman. We had zero contact except a phone call once in a blue moon to further upset my mum.

I answered the phone one day to be told, "Oh, it's you! Gramps loves you, you're a good girl, you love your Gramps too, don't you." I was very unimpressed, creeped out, mildly disgusted and couldn't get off the phone fast enough. Only time I ever had any interaction with him, and no regrets about missing out at all. I remember this from 25 years ago, that's how weird and just plain wrong it felt.

Please do not force your children to engage with what one of them has rightly identified as cringy. It's weird to them and ultimately she's only now showing interest for her own selfish reasons. She's had 16 and 18 years to build relationships. Encourage your children to be polite and civil as they would be to any distant relative or friend of the family not personally known to them - because that's the case. But you don't need to do any more. They are practically adults and can make up their own minds about how much contact/ how much of a relationship they want.

Sorry - posted too early - then I would not bother with them any more than you did before.

So now that the favourite Grandchildren are busy yours will do? Fuck that. Not a chance would I be pushing my kids into having a relationship with people who'd ignored them for the bulk of their life.

Your DD's are old enough to decide for themselves and they've chosen not too pursue a changed relationship. Support them in that.

It actually shows really good boundaries in your girls that they haven't just jumped when someone else clicked their fingers and don't have the habit that a lot of girls and women have where they feel obliged to make the effort because someone is older/family/has asked.

@Sibsmum : Has your DH always visited or has this started since lockdown?
Does he stay over or come home?
How far away is this Grandparent?
I'm just wondering if this is a case of lack of effort on both sides? - regardless, 18 years worth of lack of effort is unlikely to ever be overcome.

Yeah it's always best to teach kids any mistakes they make in life will be permanently held against them

Helps make sure they have the proper level of anxiety during their teenage years. Nothing like letting old gran due alone to really hammer the lesson home about social skills being important

Surely it won’t hurt them to talk to her, their are various reasons why people become estranged.

Why did DH not take the children with him? It sounds like he is as much to blame for the distance and that is a bit shit. Not your fault at all, but it is beyond me why he would let this happen. I feel a bit sad for both your daughters and the grandmother. I really think your husband could have handled this better.

She's hurt you and your daughters by her behaviour but, unfortunately, we often do hurt each other.

Most of us, when we realise we have hurt others seek forgiveness and hope to meet with compassion.

@Elsewyre

Yeah it's always best to teach kids any mistakes they make in life will be permanently held against them

Helps make sure they have the proper level of anxiety during their teenage years. Nothing like letting old gran due alone to really hammer the lesson home about social skills being important

What should they be taught instead?

That it’s ok for someone to ignore you for years because they prefer your Aunty and cousins, but the first second said Aunty and cousins ditch them you have a duty to pick up their roles?

This isn’t someone who make a one off mistake. This is someone who decided the OP’s DDs were of no interest to her for 18 and 16 years. Not one Sunday, but their entire lives.

It’s up to the girls if they want to include this person in their life now. Their choice, just like the grandparent had, and made, their choice.

How close are you and DDs to your own mother?

I remember telling my gm when I was 14 that she plays favourites and that she doesn’t give a crap about me
It was so bloody obvious she favoured the boys, my cousins and my db. I just blurted it out. Weirdly the next day I was given a gold necklace. Not quite what I was getting at granny

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, your dds are old enough to make the decision if they want a relationship with their grandparent. The gp had the chance and now the favourites probably don’t even contact her or bother with her.

My mother was mildly interested when they were babies, and as a boasting conversation with Joan and Barbara at the Over 60s club, but has had no interest in getting to know her DGD or building a relationship with them. If she comes to stay she just sits in an armchair with her nose in a book and doesn’t interact with them at all.

I’m not going to force them now to phone her or visit her.

I agree with @Longdistance, your DD’s are old enough to decide whether they want a relationship with their GP at this point.

It’s definitely a good lesson for the rest of us if we ever become GP- don’t play favorites!

@Longdistance

I remember telling my gm when I was 14 that she plays favourites and that she doesn’t give a crap about me It was so bloody obvious she favoured the boys, my cousins and my db. I just blurted it out. Weirdly the next day I was given a gold necklace. Not quite what I was getting at granny

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, your dds are old enough to make the decision if they want a relationship with their grandparent. The gp had the chance and now the favourites probably don’t even contact her or bother with her.

Did you keep the necklace.

Some gps don't deal very well with young children. But you would think she might have made an appearance before they were 16.

Maybe covid has made her realise she is vulnerable. But you can't force someone to make a relationship. But you do need to tell them they may regret the decision.

But it's their choice.

Absolutely no point and why DFIL sits at home with only BIL as a visitor because he only had time for one of four children (and not much at that) and none for his 8 grandchildren.

At that age they are plenty old enough to make these decisions for themselves. And as you say, how could you force a 16 and 18 year old to have a relationship with her anyway?

If your mum moans to you about their lack of interest I would just be honest and say that she can't really expect much after not bothering for all these years. They don't know her.

I had no relationship with my dad's mum. I wouldn't have even known if I passed her in the street. When she realised she was dying (by this time I was in my late 20s, had kids of my own and lived in another country) she mellowed out a bit and seemed interested to know me. I was polite to her but that was it. As your own DD's have said to you, she didn't know anything about me and it was embarrassing and awkward. I got nothing out of those moments of contact and when she died all I felt was sympathy to my dad because he'd lost his mum. It was no personal loss to me. I felt the same as if someone had told me that a woman up the road who I met a couple of times had passed away - "Oh that's a shame. Oh well" and given it no further thought.

Sorry if this a slight derail, but I was thinking just yesterday how lockdown has changed my DM’s attitude to her grandchildren (3).

She’s always been very keen on All Things Grandparent on Facebook, and not at all in real life. Doesn’t do presents, mind them, keep up with their illnesses or milestones.

Memorably, she pestered me for weeks to take my newborn (1st DGC) for a walk in the pram, and then when she did she returned her in under 7 minutes. I hadn’t even had a chance to wash up her tea things before she was back.

Now, after months of lockdown boredom, she’s suddenly all about the DGC. She can only access one (we have a 5km lockdown currently in place) and keeps begging to have him at her place. Poor bemused little lad features in 30 social media posts every time he visits. She has no toys for him, and no idea what to feed him. She can’t be bothered putting him down for a nap, or all the normal toddler activities.

I bet there’s lots of this happening- maybe balanced out by the grandparents who did have good relationships pre-Covid and are now looking for a good loooong break after too much childcare!

Interesting how this will all play out in years to come.

OP, I’d probably tell Grandma the truth in a neutral tone. Tell her it’s unlikely they’ll participate in a sudden upsurge of communication with her, given that they don’t know anything much about her life and vice versa.

It is the wrong age for the gp to start taking an interest now, they are teenagers and will find the whole thing painful and awkward.

I would leave it for them to decide if they want contact, and respect their decision. As your dds as get older and move into adulthood they may take more of an interest if the gp continues to show interest in them. It should be their decision though.

My parents dropped out of our lives for a few years, at an essential stage and did not bother contacting my dc, total lack of interest. They are now trying to rekindle things (my dc are the same age as yours interestingly) and it is not working. My dc have nothing to say to them, it is not a natural or comfortable relationship on either side, due to their lack of effort. So I keep it to a bare minimum, would never expect them to call or anything. They text occasionally and we drop in a few times a year.

If the gp is lonely due to lockdown the onus is on your dh to offer company and support to their parent. Put the ball firmly in his court.

respect your daughters feelings and teach them to never let anyone treat them badly no matter who it is. This old gp is now suddenly lonely and wants everyone to bend over? No, I would not be entertaining that. Too bad, it's too late. They have an audacity to come 16years later when it suits them.