Grandparent who hasn't bothered with GC for 16years suddenly interested but GC aren't

[Sibsmum]

Trying to be fair here and finding it really hard because these are my Dd's. Need advice and possibly a perspective check.
The grandparent in question is not awful, just had literally never been interested in the two grandchildren on our side. Had a lot of interaction with her daughters daughters who are about ten years older or I could put it down to her personality being not especially maternal.
This has always baffled me but our DD's haven't missed what they have never had so I haven't made a fuss.
Move on 16 years and lockdown. The grandparent has been isolating alone. The other G C are grown and in other countries. We are literally all this grandparent has now in terms of family and I have been talking, texting ,sending gifts for all these years despite no relationship with our Dds.
I think lockdown had been lonely and hard for this grandparent and they suddenly want to talk to Dd's. One DD just says 'no' not interested. One has tried and says it's cringy because the grandparent has no idea what they do ,what they like or anything about them.
I don't feel like pushing Dd's to have contact because grandparent is kind of reaping what she's sown. At 16 and almost 18 I think they get to choose. I wouldn't either encourage or discourage, but think it's wrong to force it. We speak to this grandparent and DH visits ( no room for us all) and the relationship is not bad, just 'distant'.
So AIBU?
Any suggestions?

My 2dc haven’t seen their grandparents (dh’s parents) for 18 months now. DGP’s constantly see their other dgc.
If they turned round now and said they were coming over, I would leave it up to my dc (16 & 12) to decide if they wanted to see them or not. All DGP’s would do is talk about their other dgc anyway. Was embarrassing!
I’d leave it up to you dc. Unfortunately, in life you reap what you sow!

The kids are old enough to decide for themselves what contact they want with different family members. Personally, I wouldn't force the issue. Granny can keep trying but I'd understand if they were, "yeah, whatever".

I would be concerned that if the DCs did get in touch and form a bond that they would be rejected all over again if any of the favourite grandchildren show an interest again or move back closer to thier GM. For that reason and the fact that DCs don't want to I wouldn't force them to get in touch.

Similar thing happened to me, met a grandparent for the first time after birth of my first born as a teenager. Suddenly he wanted to be involved. I met him because I was curious and had hope for a relationship but he showed no effort and no real interest in me. I think he just did so out of obligation. I remember saying after to my parents that I was sorry, but that is not my grandad, it isnt how a grandad should be. And i never saw him again. Dead now. I have regrets but I don't feel it was my fault. As the adult it was his duty to make the effort if he wanted a relationship, I never got even so much as a birthday card.

We have a very similar situation , our dc are in their 20s and neither are interested in having any kind of relationship . It’s my dhs mother and if she says anything to him he just says to call them as he won’t pass messages on .

My auntie has shown absolutely zero interest in me, despite the fact I'm her only niece. She pops up every so often bleating on about us becoming closer and spending time together but I'm just not interested.

She was always close to my one brother for some reason, so it's not as though she didn't have the opportunity. I don't blame your daughters at all, especially if they've witness their grandparent making an effort with their cousins and not them. It's actually really hurtful.

My DD's Granny (DH mum) has always been distant to my DD despite seeing them several times a year. She definitely favoured her older GC.
DD was close to my Mum, although she died a few years ago when DD was still only young.
What's quite sad now is that Granny has dementia and struggles to remember her favourite GC but for the first time ever is pleased to see and asks after DD. DD finds Granny very hard to be around, she's very deaf as well and they have no shared interests and few memories (dementia doesn't help). But DD does her best and visits occasionally but I don't make her go.
In your shoes OP I would let the girls decide for themselves, you can't make up for the lost years and it will always smart that they were overlooked and ignored (I'm still annoyed!) But they might get something out of an improved relationship with their Granny and it would be a kindness to a lonely old woman. She may have invested her previous efforts unwisely but maybe it's worth striking up a limited relationship now.

@Newjez yes, I still have the necklace somewhere in a jewellery box 🤷🏼‍♀️

@HappySonHappyMum I would’ve sent his wife the letter back with a sheet of toilet paper. I certainly wouldn’t want to make an effort with him. He made his bed...

Like a pp, I too would be concerned that DC might get dropped if the preferred descendants turn up again.

I would have thought it the worst age for trying to forge a relationship - they tend to be very busy with their own lives and often seeing less of all family members and more time with friends and peers.

I wouldn't force a relationship if they didn't want it especially if they'd get dropped later. I would expect them, to be polite to older relatives saying thank you for gifts ect. but beyond that I think at 16 and 18 it's up to them.

@Longdistance I showed my brother who they ignore as well - he's gay, probably why - and we agreed not to respond at all. They'll never know whether we received that letter. We thought it was the best thing to do.

Thanks everyone for your comments. This isn't a horrible person, but has made decisions about our kids and that has resulted in them not being interested in her sudden desire to get involved.
We did take them as children and we have hosted her wherever the years but she only really interacts with DH. Her house is full of stuff ( long back story there and not relevant to this situation) so we can't all stay now. Only room for one.
I am aware that Dh is not blameless in this. He hasn't ever and won't ask awkward questions about her lack of interest in us and her unwillingness to clear the house to enable us all to stay. I have been the maintainer of an relstionship. I am the one who prompts DH to remember special days, ring your mum you've not spoken to her for.... Maybe that's made it too easy and comfortable to carry on the status quo.
I am not going to force the issue but will make sure the DD's know that they can text/ write/ call if they wish. with
They have a good relationship with the grown cousins, zoom calls and emails/texts. They have a good relationship with my mother, not super smushy, but they all speak and share emails, occasional outings too independent of any prompting.

The onus was also on her to take an interest op, she could have at any time before now and didn't.
I loved my gps, and saw them a lot and even I lost interest in them at their age entirely. I wanted to be with my friends and/or boyfriend all of the time. So it is a huge ask of them anyway even in the best of circumstances.

We are in a similar position to you, one set of gps dead the other not especially interested and certainly did not want to do anything at all to help in the early days/get involved with caring for dc or anything (very much you made your bed attitude) so it is hard to muster any enthusiasm from anyone to see them now.
My dp have only ever wanted easy visits, and no effort on their part. Even when I asked for help with very serious medical problems the answer was always no. Over the years I have given up on the fairytale of having a close family with gps I had hoped for, and I do not put myself out now. We keep things going in a very low key/low contact way and everyone seems happy enough with that. I don't feel resentful, the kids are happy not to see them that much and nothing is expected of my parents. You will find a landing zone that will suit everyone at some point and it probably isn't going to be the close bond your MIL now seeks.

We have close and loving bonds with other family members and old friends and it works for us, same as you. It is all we need now, we have moved on.They have been far more supportive of us and the children over the years, and are worthy of our time and love.

I loved my gps, and saw them a lot and even I lost interest in them at their age entirely. I wanted to be with my friends and/or boyfriend all of the time. So it is a huge ask of them anyway even in the best of circumstances

Yep- same here. I was very close to my GP growing up, had a good relationship etc but at age 16-18 I wanted to go off and do my own thing and hang out with my friends who were my own age and boyfriends etc. Plus, youve got going off to Uni, forging new friendships etc..
Age 18 is probably the absolute worst possible time to begin a familial relationship because thats the exact age that kids start being independent and forging their own adult lives.

As much as I loved my GP, at my age of 18 we had nothing in common whatsoever and to be honest, I found hanging out with them incredibly dull and a bit of a chore.

A few people have mentioned making an effort only to be dumped when circumstances bring something else in to her life that she prefers.
I hadn't considered that, but I would think that that would be really hurtful. It would make me very angry too. At least as things are, the kids aren't missing what they have never had. Ummm need to think on that.

@Sibsmum

A few people have mentioned making an effort only to be dumped when circumstances bring something else in to her life that she prefers. I hadn't considered that, but I would think that that would be really hurtful. It would make me very angry too. At least as things are, the kids aren't missing what they have never had. Ummm need to think on that.

Lockdown has either made her realise she's gone wrong and want to rectify it, or she's bored because the favoured GC's are too busy for her

If it's the former then she'll still be asking after them more after things settle down again

She sounds just like my MIL , when dh did take the children over to see her she just ignored them in favour of talking to him and that’s the type of thing they notice when they hit a certain age . When FIL ( who they had an equally poor relationship with ) was in hospital dying she refused to allow the children ( who were late teens / adult) to visit and then compounded her obvious disinterest by telling dh that she didn’t think they should go in the car with her / dh / his brother / SIL to the funeral . That was about 6 yrs ago and it’s only in the last couple of years that she’s started trying to talk to dh about them which coincides with my mum being seriously ill in and out of hospital and then finally dying . Our dc were very close to my mum especially ds .

Oh well, you reap exactly what you sow.

She may not be a horrible person but she's been a horrible grandparent. Not too sure why you're cutting her so much slack but your children cannot help that they don't want anything to do with her. It's how they were raised- thanks to her.