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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparent who hasn't bothered with GC for 16years suddenly interested but GC aren't

93 replies

Sibsmum · 16/08/2020 01:02

Trying to be fair here and finding it really hard because these are my Dd's. Need advice and possibly a perspective check.
The grandparent in question is not awful, just had literally never been interested in the two grandchildren on our side. Had a lot of interaction with her daughters daughters who are about ten years older or I could put it down to her personality being not especially maternal.
This has always baffled me but our DD's haven't missed what they have never had so I haven't made a fuss.
Move on 16 years and lockdown. The grandparent has been isolating alone. The other G C are grown and in other countries. We are literally all this grandparent has now in terms of family and I have been talking, texting ,sending gifts for all these years despite no relationship with our Dds.
I think lockdown had been lonely and hard for this grandparent and they suddenly want to talk to Dd's. One DD just says 'no' not interested. One has tried and says it's cringy because the grandparent has no idea what they do ,what they like or anything about them.
I don't feel like pushing Dd's to have contact because grandparent is kind of reaping what she's sown. At 16 and almost 18 I think they get to choose. I wouldn't either encourage or discourage, but think it's wrong to force it. We speak to this grandparent and DH visits ( no room for us all) and the relationship is not bad, just 'distant'.
So AIBU?
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

PiataMaiNei · 16/08/2020 08:47

You can't force a genuine relationship into existence, even if you wanted to. What the grandparent appears to want is their regard, and that's not something another person can give away.

Jessbow · 16/08/2020 08:49

Why havent they had a relationship over the years?

DH visits...you and the children dont? No Room? what does that mean?
Are they geographically distant?

Frazzled2207 · 16/08/2020 08:51

I don’t think you can force the issue but am curious as to why your dh hasn’t done more. The excuse that he only visits alone is odd- did the gp never visit you and is that an option now? Inviting over for lunch one day doesn’t seem a ridiculous suggestion.
But If the daughters aren’t interested, it’s their call

Felifox · 16/08/2020 08:51

Why on earth wouldn't you want to know your gcs when they are small? All the fun of baking, teaching them to read, making clothes for them?

Of course teenagers don't want to get involved with an old woman who's a stranger to them. Your dh needs to talk to his dm about it and I wouldn't get involved.

Beautiful3 · 16/08/2020 08:55

Your children arent little anymore which means they will not do what you ask. You ask them what they want to do, they tell you and you accept it. If they say no thanks then you tell gp, "sorry but they dont want to." Relationships cannot be forced, you have to put a little effort in.

PiataMaiNei · 16/08/2020 08:58

@Frazzled2207

I don’t think you can force the issue but am curious as to why your dh hasn’t done more. The excuse that he only visits alone is odd- did the gp never visit you and is that an option now? Inviting over for lunch one day doesn’t seem a ridiculous suggestion. But If the daughters aren’t interested, it’s their call

Also wondering re DH. What does he think of all this OP?

MimiLaRue · 16/08/2020 09:02

I'm sorry but I find this "maybe they find kids boring/hard" a really tedious and lame ass excuse. So, you expect to just ignore your grandchildren for the first 18 years of their life because of their age and then BOOM on their 18th birthday you expect them to magically have a wonderful, loving, caring relationship with you? lol It doesnt work that way I'm afraid. Plus- THEY had kids themselves, did they just ignore their own children for the first 18 years?- pretty sure that counts as neglect.

If you love someone, you accept their life stages even when its difficult for you. How about the grandchildren said "I'm sorry but I find old people really tedious and boring"- presumably that would be ok right? seeing as the grandparents have sent them that message their entire lives that you can cut relationships off simply due to age?

You reap what you sow....

Alexandernevermind · 16/08/2020 09:02

We kind of had this with SIL who did not have children out if choice. She said having children just to have someone look after you in old age was wrong, she said she didn't need to bother as my children (who she has zero interaction with) will look after her

Lardlizard · 16/08/2020 09:03

Your girls sound like they have their heads screwed on follow their lead let them choose

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/08/2020 09:07

I think I’d say - as nicely as possible - ‘Look, I’m sorry, but you haven’t shown any interest in them before so it’s a bit late to start now, isn’t it? You’re a stranger to them really, and I‘m afraid I can’t force them.’

Yaottie · 16/08/2020 09:07

I was in the position of your DC but mine was due to a family fallout. I regret the wasted time so much especially when one of my GP died. Yes it was awkward and no we didn't know what to say to each other when I met up with them but it felt really good to build bridges with the remaining GP. I think your DDs should be encouraged to put their hurt feelings aside and give it a good go to reconnect. If it doesn't work out it doesn't, but I really think they'll regret it in years to come if they don't try. I certainly do.

alreadytaken · 16/08/2020 09:07

possibly the grandparent has felt that you didnt like them or make them welcome. Once children are adults you can have a relationship with them without the parent being involved.

It's useful for children to have other adults to talk to when they have problems with their parents so I'd always support grandparents being involved. I'd probably be feeding the grandparent some information on their likes and dislikes and would see if there were any common interests they could build on. But I wouldnt try to force a relationship on teenagers.

AutumnLeavesSeptember · 16/08/2020 09:08

I would strongly encourage contact on the basis that it's a kind act to support someone who is lonely. But no, I wouldn't force them to go. I think it's really important teens do things that serve others in some way, as long as it doesn't erode their boundaries eg if it were a really toxic GP or something.

madcatladyforever · 16/08/2020 09:08

Relationships don't just happen, they need to be worked over a number of years.
She can't possibly expect the GC to be interested in any way, shape or form at 16 and 18 and people this age anre not normally interested in their GP anyway, they are full of their own new adult lives beginning.
You should tell her that if you put nothing in you'll get nothing out because that is the harsh truth I'm afraid.

MimiLaRue · 16/08/2020 09:16

I would strongly encourage contact on the basis that it's a kind act to support someone who is lonely

Its not just about loneliness though is it? The GP havent been kind or respectful. They've blatantly favoured one set of grandkids for 18 years and now lockdown has happened and they have less contact they've turned to the grandkids they never bothered with before to fill in the gap left by their favoured GC. Thats pretty awful behaviour- its manipulative and selfish. Yes, teens should be taught to serve others but equally they should learn not to be taken advantage of and to have healthy boundaries, otherwise in future relationships people will walk all over them.

Thisbastardcomputer · 16/08/2020 09:16

My grandsons live quite a long way from me, they are 21 and 18 now. I've had a relationship with them from babies and when they were old enough to stay without their Mum, I have them for a few days. During these stays, I'd plan fun things, tents in the garden, games, films, outings, shopping for toys.

The younger boy isn't technically my grandson but I have treated him exactly the same and I love him.

You build a relationship over years.

Purplealienpuke · 16/08/2020 09:17

Both of my dgc have other grandmothers who don't seem interested.
One who lives in spitting distance and IGNORES my grandchild 😡 and the other who doesn't seem to retain the age or correct name of my grandchild!
I really cannot comprehend their attitudes.
I understand people are different. But I could never reject a child in such a way.
As your children are old enough to make their own choices then let them do just that. The grandmother in question will have to suck it up......

tara66 · 16/08/2020 09:17

OP are you saying the GM never sent the children anything for birthdays or Christmas - even if she did not see them?

Cheesess · 16/08/2020 09:18

I’m leaning towards don’t make them contact her, as obviously she only cares about herself.
My GM has not bothered with me for my whole life and I’m almost 30.
She has her favourite children and grandchildren and I’m not one of them so I never visit her anymore because when I did visit she would spend the whole time talking about her favourites. As a result she knows nothing about me because she never asks me anything about myself.
I feel a bit of guilt about this especially because she won’t be around forever but at the same time why should I make an effort with someone who didn’t and also has a nasty/selfish streak.

WaltzfortheMars · 16/08/2020 09:18

The both children are old enough to decide who they want to have relationship with. Grandparents left it too late to form a loving relationship with them. They can't force them. Sad but that's all down to how they've treated them for all these years.

Cuteypye · 16/08/2020 09:31

@LillianBland

The cynic in me would suspect that they’ve thought about the fact that their ‘favourites’ are no longer available and they’re trying to make sure they’re looked after in their old age.

^^ This. My pils made a fuss over my dcs when they were born (first dgcs), which continued for a few years. Sil then had children, so no longer interested in my dcs, who were heartbroken that nana and gramps no longer bothered with them, not even to send a birthday card! Ff a few years and my elder dd had her own home, which gps passed every day in their car. They never stopped once, to say hello, even if she was in her front garden.

Bil got a new job and sil and family moved away, Pils suddenly wanted a relationship with my dcs! My dcs started to see them, until sil and family moved back. They were dropped, with hardly any contact for another 3 years, as favourite gcs were back on the scene.

Then sil and family moved away again, so pils again wanted a relationship with my dcs who, having been dropped twice, were no longer interested! There were tears and tantrums (pils, not my dcs) and my dcs were branded as selfish and I was the devil incarnate for not forcing them to see their gps! They actually said “who’s going to help us now if they don’t?” because they realised that they had no one to look after them in their old age but it was too late!

VivaMiltonKeynes · 16/08/2020 09:31

Isn't this the age old story ? There is always a favourite Granny and this is usually the mother's mother ? Daughters tend to see their mothers more than their MIL. Would you say your MIL has seen your children as much as your own mother did/does?

Friendsoftheearth · 16/08/2020 09:35

overwhelmed, bored by the preteen stages

You can't pick and choose what stages you prefer clive! You either have a relationship or you don't! It takes years and years to cultivate a meaningful bond with children, experiencing difficult and joyful moments. It is not possible to cherry pick what you or won't be part of. It just doesn't work like that.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 16/08/2020 09:38

Going against the grain, I would encourage occasional contact, as long as it didn't get to the point of being overwhelming for your DDs.

MimiLaRue · 16/08/2020 09:39

You can't pick and choose what stages you prefer clive

Exactly. Imagine if someone on here said they'd dropped seeing their parents over age 60 because old people "bored them". They'd be flamed alive.

You cant simply drop people in and out of your life based on their age FFS. Thats appalling behaviour.

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