Grandparent who hasn't bothered with GC for 16years suddenly interested but GC aren't

[Sibsmum]

Trying to be fair here and finding it really hard because these are my Dd's. Need advice and possibly a perspective check.
The grandparent in question is not awful, just had literally never been interested in the two grandchildren on our side. Had a lot of interaction with her daughters daughters who are about ten years older or I could put it down to her personality being not especially maternal.
This has always baffled me but our DD's haven't missed what they have never had so I haven't made a fuss.
Move on 16 years and lockdown. The grandparent has been isolating alone. The other G C are grown and in other countries. We are literally all this grandparent has now in terms of family and I have been talking, texting ,sending gifts for all these years despite no relationship with our Dds.
I think lockdown had been lonely and hard for this grandparent and they suddenly want to talk to Dd's. One DD just says 'no' not interested. One has tried and says it's cringy because the grandparent has no idea what they do ,what they like or anything about them.
I don't feel like pushing Dd's to have contact because grandparent is kind of reaping what she's sown. At 16 and almost 18 I think they get to choose. I wouldn't either encourage or discourage, but think it's wrong to force it. We speak to this grandparent and DH visits ( no room for us all) and the relationship is not bad, just 'distant'.
So AIBU?
Any suggestions?

Maybe if the children were younger, much younger it would be okay but it is probably too late now. You can win young children around really easily by visiting often, playing with them and enjoying their childhood, not so easy with a teen!

Your daughters are old enough to make the decision for themselves and have decided they dont want to see their grandparent. You shouldnt force the issue, if they're anything like me they will just dig their heels in and be even less likely to engage.

I would just say to them direct 'Don't you think you have left it too late to form any kind of meaningful relationship?'. It is the truth after all ....

I totally get this - my father left my Mum and moved in with my Mums best friend. We kept in strained contact for around 3 years but the best friend made things very difficult and I blew up when he texted me to tell me he was engaged. He stopped all contact - didn't invite us to his wedding. My DS was 5 my DD was 2. They are now 18 and 15. We have a letter recently from the best friend telling us that my father has written me out of his will and I need to patch things up. We've also had a letter from my father telling me I've turned his grandkids against him as they never get in touch. I have never bad mouthed him in front of them - for years I told them he'd moved away and it was too far to visit anymore. But my DCs have made up their own mind. He has not been there for them but their other GPs have been - the great example they have set shows them how shitty he has been. It's their decision not mine to make and I wouldn't force them. Your kids - like mine - have learnt a harsh lesson and the result of how you treat people.

polly If the gp is pestering/annoyed about the lack of engagement you definitely have the option of saying the truth op, as Polly has suggested.

Although I would be more inclined to keep the door open, as your dds may well enjoy a relationship with her later in life, on their terms at their discretion.

I think that boat has sailed. They had 16/18 years.

agree with PP, I'd be cynical and would assume the GP is not trying to stick to the second best as the favourites are abroad and better to have a not so beloved grandchild to help than none.

They are teens, their focus is probably on very different things right now. I would accept their decision. They must be awfully aware of the rejection over the last 16 years too. This won't heal. Let it go.

I agree - they get to choose, and maybe grandma will realise that actions have consequences.

You reap what you sow.
When they were younger did DH take them to visit? Is he partly to blame for lack of relationship?

I can see this happening with my ILs the are so focused on SILs children that they are missing out on relationships with their other 3 grandchildren. Who could blame the kids when they are older if they don't want to visit.

It isn't too late if they all want to build a relationship. Your 18 year old has still got time to form meaningful relationships! But obviously the relationship is different, and your daughters aren't obliged to put the effort in if they don't want to.

We have a letter recently from the best friend telling us that my father has written me out of his will and I need to patch things up

They can keep the money! How bloody rude and insensitive given he walked out on you, and has never made any effort. You don't need to do anything. I imagine whatever you do to 'patch things up' will never be enough to be written back into the will/good books. He checked out a long time ago.

SIL DC are the priority here too. Seems to be a theme.
Older people can become very self centered and no doubt the sudden wanting of a relationship will be for selfish reasons, i.e., company and care as they become old and frail, probably from you. And your DC are a route to that.

Yeah it's always best to teach kids any mistakes they make in life will be permanently held against them

What a load of rubbish! Ignoring someone for 16-18 YEARS isnt a fcking "mistake"- its deliberately not wanting a relationship with someone. A "mistake" is forgetting a birthday or saying the wrong thing. Children should know that their actions have consequences and if you choose not to engage with someone for almost 18 years, you cannot then turn around and suddenly demand emotional attention. Where is the GP kindness and respect? or do you feel kids dont deserve that and they should just be pawns to be ignored and then reeled in when it suits the adult? Our actions have consequences that have absolutely nothing to do with forgiveness and kindness. Thats an important lesson we all need t learn.

I think you’re right, the grandparent has reaped what they’ve sown. You can’t ignore your grandchildren for 16 years then suddenly expect a relationship. And a pp is right about respecting your DD’s feelings. They are the most important thing here.

My approach would be that something is better than nothing, and that family is family. Your DD's may find that they like their grandparents once they get to know them, and go on to have good relationships with them. When I was a teen I realised with a jolt that my GP's had been young people in their own right and found it really interesting to ask them about the good old days.
Your OP seems to suggest that they weren't malicious so I would give them the benefit of the doubt and give it a go. If it looks like they are still going to be indifferent and uncaring you can cut and run - nothing lost - but you give them a chance and it works out, your DD's have more love in their lives.
As for your DDs being old enough to make their own minds up about this, I would just say that when I was teen if I could have avoided my elderly relatives I would, but I was never allowed to and in hindsight really gained a lot from the interactions.
I say to give them a chance.

I think at his age its too late really.Your DDs are young women and you cannot force them to do anything against their will really.Maybe be polite ,and say they are busy with Schoolwork and havent really got time at the moment to talk to GM!

I would be interested to know what the grandparents relationship is like with you as this could also have a bearing

If the grandparent involved hasn’t been awful, just distant, I think your daughters should give getting to know them a go. Whatever happened in the past, they have an opportunity now to build a relationship with a member of their family and that’s a potentially great thing. Perhaps my view is influenced by coming from a very small family, but I think that’s important. Leave all the “well you never bothered before” stuff in the past where it belongs and encourage them to go into it with an open mind, and both sides can massively benefit.

In my experience this sort of thing cant be fixed. My inlaws were distant to my children, never picking them up as babies or toddlers and pretty much ignoring them as they got older. They would be generous on birthdays and Christmas but not with their time or love. They didn't visit our house for the whole of their childhood, and never asked them over, we had to go to them. Sometimes they chose to ignore them when we did visit, preferring to read the paper. When they died, my kids both said how they "werent really part of our family", which is quite sad, but they reaped what they sowed.

Sounds like this is your in law. I wouldn’t have bothered with texting etc for all these years and would’ve just left it to DH to arrange meeting up (or not).

Understandable that the late teen DC don’t want to talk to / see their grandparent with whom they’re distant.

I lived in a different country from both sets of grandparents and still managed to have a relationship with them through my childhood and teenage years.

In these circumstances, I'm curious to know why DH (I'm guessing this is MIL or GMIL) hasn't done more to foster/encourage a relationship.

I or their father would have an open and honest discussion with the GP I think, in order to ensure that they are aware that their actions in the past have caused the disconnect in the relationship and also to gauge the sincerity of the change of heart.

And if you felt it was sincere it would start. For me with family visits so a relationship could build gradually, but the GP would have to understand that the effort needs to come from them.

The Op serves as a warning to parents and grandparents who insist on playing favourites. It will come back to bite you on the arse. .
Op, I wouldn’t force your dcs to get in touch with the prodigal grandparent, but I would keep the lines of communication open.

Nope YANBU, your DC shouldn’t have to be friendly and sympathetic to someone who has ignored them their whole lives. I won’t be encouraging it when my MIL does the same in a few years time.

I think it works both ways and anyone who can’t bring themselves to pay attention to their own grandchildren really doesn’t deserve further chances once they reach adulthood. Grandparents can form such a lovely part of childhood, it would be weird to suddenly insist on a relationship as adults when they have literally zero memories all because the grandparent couldn’t be bothered when they were little.

I wouldn’t actively stop it, but I don’t think I’d be insisting.

I think you are being unreasonable. Some people are just not into children. Maybe they were nervous, overwhelmed, bored by the preteen stages. Maybe they are capable and willing when it comes to adult-to-adult relationships. I had a relative I didn’t even meet until I was14. She became one of my closest friends, for around 20 years until her death at over 100. I still remember her fondly. She enhanced my life. But she didn’t ‘do’ children. Give it a chance. What have you got to lose?

Some people are just not into children. Maybe they were nervous, overwhelmed, bored by the preteen stages

But thats not the case here is it? they've made an effort with their other grand kids so it cant be that! They've favoured their other grand kids and are now reaping the consequences. You cant treat people like crap and then just expect a wonderful relationship.