To say my co-workers aren't my friends?

[annon1368]

NC due to being outing.

Since my work sent us to wfh after covid hit there has been an annoying push from our team management to over compensate for not being in the office, they have made a mission to have 3x a week team building sessions often lasting an hour. As apparently, I am the most ‘anti social’ team member (I’m an introvert) I was made to arrange every single one as part of my development plan

6 months later I have point blank now refused to arrange any more, I have a high workload and spending three hours a week attending them is bad enough, let alone the time it takes me to set them up and create quizzes, games etc. I am the busiest member of the team and this is well known by snr management, my workload has exploded since coronavirus as in addition to my normal role I am now responsible for our covid response efforts.

For the last couple of weeks many team members haven’t been attending the team building sessions and get no flack, today I have a lot on and have told my line manager that I wont be attending todays quiz, after which she called and moaned about me not making time for the team. I politely asked if she had said the same to the other team members over the last few weeks who also couldn’t make the sessions, to which I got silence.

She then moaned about how we as a team aren’t friends with each other, other teams are all friends and we should be the same. To which I replied you are all my co-workers not my friends, its been 6 months and we are no closer to being best buddies, maybe we are all too different to get to the point of being ‘friends’ to which she hung up and has arranged a ‘performance’ review next week with me.

AIBU to say that my co-workers are just that and not my friends?

Do you have to account for your time, most places I've worked (and oh) have had a time booking system to show what you're working on. If so book your time openly to this task. It's just a task, schedule the meetings, make a question list (if that's what you're meant to do), afterwards publish a list of attendees to show who didn't attend. Try and fill the time with questions so you don't have to make chit chat. If it impacts on you're other work send an email to your manager you realise how important she regards these meetings so what does she suggest that you drop to do them.
You don't have to be friends with colleagues. As for the other stuff, birthdays etc, just don't do it.

You are friendly with your work colleagues but they are not your chosen friends.
I would start looking for another job

Oh I hate this. As pp's have said work is for work and if you make friends it's a bonus. The thing is any friends I make at work I'll already be catching up with outside of work anyway.

My team are constantly doing this, but luckily it's all optional. Still doesn't stop the endless emails and constant -badgering- encouragement to join them all though.

I feel for you, I would downright refuse but as you've said it then makes you look like the bad guy. It's really not on.

I cannot stand the word anti-social.

I mix enough with people whom I choose to be friends with. If you don’t happen to be one of them, that’s tough luck. Work is work. I get on with my colleagues and honestly love working with most of them, but apart from work and the odd little thing, I don’t have much in common with any of them.

Op this is about office politics. Sometimes you need to play the game. As sad as it is. That’s the reality of it.

There is no doubt you’re right, but you don’t need to spell it out to her. Just give it lip service and say how devastated you are not to attend, tell her much you love it, and bullshit your way through it.

Of course you can be friends with your co-workers, but somebody who forces you to spend 3 hours a week setting up quizzes and games because your are 'anti-social' is not a friend!

Oh god, my worst nightmare. Also, it's extremely unfair of her to make you arrange all these things and calling you anti social is very out of order too

This looks to me like the start of a constructive dismissal type case. They've decided you're not a good fit for the team, they're setting you up to fail with the workload + organizing socials, putting you on a performance review.

Personally, I would play extremely nice at that review and make an effort to appear friendly. It's shit and it's sexist but I can't see any way out for you.

This is why I am so glad I'm self employed and don't have to deal with any other adults.

Your boss sounds like a bit of a bully actually. I'd stick with it until the job market improves and then move on.

Sounds like she needs to create a life for herself outside of work to me and learn some professionalism. No one should be forced to be friends with their co-workers. If you become friends great, if not there’s no harm.

We have a daily catch up but no one 'has' to attend. It is entirely optional. I do occasionally make an effort to go to things I’d rather not attend.

There is a role for team building within organisations, but that is not forcing friendships.

It is about building up respect and trust and knowing strengths and weaknesses and is especially important with the increased wfh and remote working at the moment.

Totally agree. I think team building is often done so badly it makes people cringe when they hear the phrase. Working together well is a good goal. We had a session last year and were all very honest about how we like to work and it did help the team understand each other better.

She sounds very strange! I think following up her request for a performance review with details of your phone call and that she hung up on you would be very wise.

This is horrible. I have a much higher tolerance for team socialising/bonding than most on MN, but three times a week is excessive, leaving it all to one person is shit and specifically selecting that person because you know they dislike these events is, frankly, bullying.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I’m with you on the ‘they are not my friends’ point, they are colleagues and just because you don’t all go out partying and hold each other’s hair back when the other is being sick or whatever it doesn’t mean you are not able to work as a team and communicate well with each other.

I have worked in a few places where I considered everyone as colleagues only. Many were nice people but as soon as I left for the day I had no interest in staying in contact and I’m sure they felt the same. Only in my current job have I ‘clicked’ with more people and have a few colleagues who I call friends. Friendship and socialising shouldn’t be forced it should be a natural thing.

Don’t let your boss bully you, which is exactly what she is doing IMO. She is singling you out and picking up on your ‘supposed’ faults. What about the fact you have loads of experience, have led teams before and have taken on lot’s more work due to the current Covid situation? Why aren’t the colleagues who don’t participate in these enforced team building sessions reprimanded?

Make sure you keep a record of all the things she is saying and doing which seem unfair.

It sounds to me like you are a key team member and it might well go to shit if you weren’t there. I would say your manager needs a few things added to her development plan, one of them being ‘get a life’ with an appropriate target time. She sounds like bloody hard work and is inept at best.

I wish you well OP, don’t let this tool grind you down.

Valentines gifts?!

I have great colleagues, and very keen to spend time with them; some are definitely close. But 3x week socialising is ridiculous.
If I were you I would concentrate on that aspect, suggest that 1xweek is sufficient for teem morale and request to be relieved of organising as its such a conflict with your Covid responsibilities and heavy workload.
Don't mention the friend thing

I quite agree co workers are just that and in the workplace you only need to be polite and civil to each other.
I have noticed contact centres seem to go overboard with the team building exercises which must be excruciating for most. When I worked as a civil servant the contact centres shared the same building and nearly every week there would be some enforced jollity or charity collection.I gave ‘Batman’ shaking a collection tin short shrift one day and subsequently was left alone after that.
Try explaining workplace behaviours to someone with Aspergers.The concept of co workers can be friendly, but not real friends even though someone you sit next to probably will act like your best friend until you, or they move teams is incomprehensible and not everyone follows ‘the rules’

YANBU, I have friends at work, but we do things outside of work rather than enforced team building and activities.

If it's work time then you can't really refuse to do it.

Reading this, I’m so glad I work from home now. Previous job In very small office was cliquey with few people going out socialising a lot, then talking about it at work. I don’t go to work to make friends, if I do, it’s my choice and not forced.
The pressure you’ve been put under sounds ridiculous and unacceptable. Can you hang on till you go on Mat Leave? Might be worth keeping your eyes out for another job as well?

Co workers can be friends but by default they are just people you work with

I think things get really challenging when there are too many close friendships within a team. I’d actually much rather everyone was just on friendly terms. There has always been much more drama whenever I’ve worked in teams with couples, people living together etc.

I had a problem once with a manager where there was a culture of "presentism" and work I did at home was not valued. So I stopped doing the extra work and dropped down to the same output level as my colleagues. Manager called me in for a review and told me I was "less productive" than at same time last year. I asked for examples and argued that I completed tasks in the same time frame as colleagues X and Y.

"Yes but you did these jobs faster last year!"

I told the manager that I had health problems that I was only prepared to discuss in detail with the Medical Officer of Health (it was local government). I had coped by managing to avoid having time off sick but had to take things more easily in order to manage the condition. If he wanted to take this matter any further I would so argue with a union rep beside me and the inference was that I was being victimized for a health problem which then had legal implications.

The manager knew he was outfoxed. Of course there was a chilly atmosphere between us from then on but he knew that I knew how to manipulate the system.

Are there any company procedures you can use to your advantage here? Have other team members taken their turn in organizing the team-building days? If not why not?

You will be happy to take your turn on a fairly organized rota but feel you have done more than your share.

If she dares to give you a negative performance review I would take it higher, either via her boss or HR. Not only is she wasting a lot of time each week, it seems like she's almost bullying you by getting you to arrange all sessions. Only an idiot would think forcing someone to create 3 team building exercises a week would be a positive.

Just noticed about your pregnancy. Congrats.

Can you not use that a bit to get you out of some of this extra work?

Not suggesting you slack and do nothing but you have another life to think of now. How about one of your non-pregnant team-mates doing their share?

How soon can you reasonably begin your maternity leave?