To say my co-workers aren't my friends?

[annon1368]

NC due to being outing.

Since my work sent us to wfh after covid hit there has been an annoying push from our team management to over compensate for not being in the office, they have made a mission to have 3x a week team building sessions often lasting an hour. As apparently, I am the most ‘anti social’ team member (I’m an introvert) I was made to arrange every single one as part of my development plan

6 months later I have point blank now refused to arrange any more, I have a high workload and spending three hours a week attending them is bad enough, let alone the time it takes me to set them up and create quizzes, games etc. I am the busiest member of the team and this is well known by snr management, my workload has exploded since coronavirus as in addition to my normal role I am now responsible for our covid response efforts.

For the last couple of weeks many team members haven’t been attending the team building sessions and get no flack, today I have a lot on and have told my line manager that I wont be attending todays quiz, after which she called and moaned about me not making time for the team. I politely asked if she had said the same to the other team members over the last few weeks who also couldn’t make the sessions, to which I got silence.

She then moaned about how we as a team aren’t friends with each other, other teams are all friends and we should be the same. To which I replied you are all my co-workers not my friends, its been 6 months and we are no closer to being best buddies, maybe we are all too different to get to the point of being ‘friends’ to which she hung up and has arranged a ‘performance’ review next week with me.

AIBU to say that my co-workers are just that and not my friends?

@Lyricallie

Omg, YANBU I'm a huge extrovert love making friends at work don't mind a zoom quiz but that's is ridiculous. 3 hours a week of activities! We have a 30 mins chat 3xweek and that's plenty and that's a mix of work and general chat.

Also "development opportunities" code for I don't want to do this and neither do you but I'm going to make you and pretend it's good for you.

I think that's definitely it

As I've also had coaching added to my development needs so now I have to train new team members, as it will 'help me' nah it just helps them pass the buck on

YANBU - My best friend is someone I worked with 30+ years ago, but we weren't particularly good friends at the time - we'd have lunch together occasionally.
I've never been huge on 'friends' at work - but getting on with co-workers is a bonus (but in roles where I haven't, it's been OK).

WFM is interesting; probably get to chat about non-work stuff than would if in the office (cat decides to share a zoom meeting, etc).

Thankfully, WFM social quizzes tend to be at the end of the week, non-work days for me, and my manager setting a task of a certain number of non-work zooms/phone calls EVERY WEEK. seems to have been abandoned.
I managed one non-work zoom, that the other person else arranged, but I'm quite happy to have non work chat as part of a business call with a colleague. I think it must have been a senior team "idea" that thankfully fizzled out.

I've made good friend's from work but this was down to luck rather than engineering..

I would involve HR in this and ask them to be present at your performance review. Outline everything you said here, say that the meeting is not about your performance, that your manager is unable to be professional as proved when she hung up on you, tell them she is pushing you to be someone you are not and making you uncomfortable just because she thinks everyone being buddies will reflect well on her and you fear not towing her line will negatively impact your job/record/promotion prospects and that none of this is about your performance but how she thinks it will reflect on her performance as a manager

You haven't said if you belong to a union Op. Do you? Is there an HR department who should be involved in the performance review process? How long have you been there? It feels to me as if you've got a grievance brewing against your manager should you want to pursue that.

@Intelinside57

You haven't said if you belong to a union Op. Do you? Is there an HR department who should be involved in the performance review process? How long have you been there? It feels to me as if you've got a grievance brewing against your manager should you want to pursue that.

No union unfortunately

I'm currently in the early stages of pregnancy so am just biding my time and stepping back until taking Mat leave

Ergh my idea of a worst nightmare.

Yanbu to explain to her as you have here. I’d be asking what to prioritise in the performance review, stupid quizzes or real deadline tasks and projects and I’d follow up what was said in a thank you email so it’s documented

Totally see where you are coming from.
BUT if that's what they are looking for its difficulty ,particularly if it is work time
If you are having a review I would use that as an opportunity to calmly make the points you have here

I do know though that in some companies the ability to play hard is as important as the ability to work hard

I certainly got a couple of promotions through that in my younger days !

If you are only in the early stages of pregnancy you have months more of this to put up with and it sounds like your manager wants you gone, I wouldn't be so lax about it if I were you

@CalmdownJanet

I would involve HR in this and ask them to be present at your performance review. Outline everything you said here, say that the meeting is not about your performance, that your manager is unable to be professional as proved when she hung up on you, tell them she is pushing you to be someone you are not and making you uncomfortable just because she thinks everyone being buddies will reflect well on her and you fear not towing her line will negatively impact your job/record/promotion prospects and that none of this is about your performance but how she thinks it will reflect on her performance as a manager

It definitely impact my job progression, she said as much in my last meeting with her a few weeks ago

Apparently at the moment I'm not suitable for promotion as I need more development in bringing people together and coaching so now I'm being made to train all new starters to help get that all important coaching experience (eye roll, I have managed large teams before and this is known)

@user1487194234

Totally see where you are coming from. BUT if that's what they are looking for its difficulty ,particularly if it is work time If you are having a review I would use that as an opportunity to calmly make the points you have here

I do know though that in some companies the ability to play hard is as important as the ability to work hard

I certainly got a couple of promotions through that in my younger days !

It's a religious company and they are all so 'nice' to each other so I think it's definitely a big part of the culture which me and other non religious team mates struggle with. I'm from a very corporate background and it definitely is jarring

Is your boss passing on the team build thing so she does not have to do it? Sounds like a excuse to me to swerve doing something
Also is the fact you are not all 'friends' reflecting badly on her. If so she should sort it rather than pass the buck.
Can you take out a grievance against her for harassment?
The above said, are you polite and helpful to your colleagues when in the office ? Can you come across as dismissive, if the answer is no, I think you have a poor boss who is trying to apportion blame. Sounds like she is trying to find a a target to blame for her own short comings.

Being part of a team means pulling your weight, working the hours you're meant to work (not skiving off or going for a three hour coffee break) and being polite and friendly to everyone. If you're doing all of those things why are you being picked on? As for the introvert automatically having to plan events, that's just ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense at all. Thinking up quiz questions doesn't help anyone to integrate, ffs.

I completely disagree with your manager you can't force friendships, most of my colleagues are just that, people I often get on well with at work. Over the years I have made a few very good friends through work, most of whom I no longer work with but continue to be very good friends with. No one forced those friendships sometimes you just click with people. In my industry there wouldn't be time for all of these social events in work time, there's not enough time for the work!

OP, Please follow up the phone call you had with your manager with an email outlining her putting the phone down, what was said and why you don't appreciate being forced to be 'friends' with your work colleagues.

I would also state that you want to know why your manager wants a performance review, why this wasn't said before she put the phone down on you and what areas of your work she wants to talk about.

I've been retired for a number of years now and never worked in that sort of environment anyway so probably not the best person to judge the modern workplace, but am horrified that this sort of nonsense is allowed.

Your line manager sound like a cow tbh and what she's doing smacks of bullying to me.

Surely what's required from you is that you do your work to a professional standard. You're not there to indulge her need for bloody stupid 'team efforts' and quizzes that result in you being taken away from the work you should be doing or working under more pressure to make up for the time spent on all her nonsense.

The advice CalmdownJanet has given you sounds like the way to go.

Stick to your guns with refusing to indulge her anymore. I hope you manage to resolve this.

@Jeschara

Is your boss passing on the team build thing so she does not have to do it? Sounds like a excuse to me to swerve doing something Also is the fact you are not all 'friends' reflecting badly on her. If so she should sort it rather than pass the buck. Can you take out a grievance against her for harassment? The above said, are you polite and helpful to your colleagues when in the office ? Can you come across as dismissive, if the answer is no, I think you have a poor boss who is trying to apportion blame. Sounds like she is trying to find a a target to blame for her own short comings.

I think the biggest issue is the company is a religious one

And our team is the only mixed non religious and religious team. I'm polite to all but I'm also direct and firm (come from a corporate background) so compared to the extra fluffy people around me I can sometimes look like a dick. But I make the most effort in the team when it comes to being friendly. I'm the one who makes sure all newbies are invited to lunch, am always the one who arranges birthday cards, presents, Valentine's Day gifts etc.

I hate all that team-building rubbish. You don't have to be friends with other team members. You can be friendly, polite, team players without being actual friends (although it can be nice to make friends at work).

I don't blame you for point-blank refusing to organise more team-building sessions. I wouldn't have done it 3 x per week for 6 months.

I would put in an official grievance for her making you do that anyway, as an introvert. That isn't helping you develop.That could be torturous to some people.

I would complain that I was being discriminated against:

1. For making you organise the sessions in the first place and over such a long period of time.
2. For not asking others why they haven't been attending, yet asking you.
3. For giving you another performance review (unless everyone is having one).

Did she actually refer to you as "anti-social"? If so, I'd raise that as an issue too.
If she hung up on you, I would complain about that too. What kind of Line Manager treats people like that?

Make sure you use the word 'discrimination' and if you feel other things like 'bullied' or 'intimidated' use them too. You have very good work reasons for not wanting to organise and attend these sessions.

There is a role for team building within organisations, but that is not forcing friendships.

It is about building up respect and trust and knowing strengths and weaknesses and is especially important with the increased wfh and remote working at the moment.

But 3 hours a week does seem excessive and it def should be rotated between members and attendence should be required.

And you shouldn't be threatened with performance review because you bring up valid issues. But as per usual, try and sort it rationally and informally before you go formal and positions get entrenched. Those advocating going to the union. Have you ever been involved in a protacted employment dispute? It really should be a last option. Doing things you don't want to do or think shouldn't be done is not the same as being bullied or discriminated against.

Conflict takes a massive toil even if you are in the right.

Lay out what the issues are, offer some solutions and be concilitorary is always the best start.

OP YANBU

I am an extrovert and have A LOT of friends, a young family and a husband..... I do not have the time or emotional energy to introduce more friends into the mix and so in the last 2 companies I've worked in I have made a conscious effort to NOT make friends through choice.

I enjoy my colleagues and we get along brilliantly, but I don't want to spend time outside of my working hours hanging out with them because I have enough people already pulling on my time (and obviously I also need some time to myself in there too)!

Your manager is wholly unreasonably to decide that she wants everyone to be pals and that you have to be the one that makes that happen..... If she's so bothered then she should do it.

She's singling you out unfairly for something that isn't even work related!

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Do your manager or colleagues know?

Agree that you should ask her to put in writing what she wants to address at this 'performance review' and clarify that if it's a formal meeting you would like HR to be in attendance.

The irony that you are the one that needs help with your people performance when your manager is clearly shit at it

Look she has you doing your job, doing the extra covid measures, training new starters, being responsible for the team building shit, only pulling you up on not attending and not your colleagues and is taking serious issue with not being friends, make no mistake she wants you gone and she is lashing on the workload to help you fail and I would go as far to say as this could be considered bullying, that word is easily thrown around but I think your manager is bang out of order

work is work....if I get on with my colleagues that is great, and I do, but they are not friends. Friends are the people I have a choice to be with

I'd be contacting HER manager and making an official complaint.

Your boss sounds desperate for friends and she's forcing you to do it for her! To do a performance review on you because of this is so spiteful and petty, what a silly woman.

As apparently, I am the most ‘anti social’ team member (I’m an introvert) I was made to arrange every single one as part of my development plan

Sounds like she's punishing you for your personality. That is not on. I've had similar experiences - do you work in sales? I find sales teams tend to look down on introverts. I've been told I'm anti-social in the past by a "sales person" because I didn't go to the pub enough. But sometimes I just find them boring and want to go home!

On my team there are about 2/3 people I really like and would hope to be friends with for life but you can't force it.