To say my co-workers aren't my friends?

[annon1368]

NC due to being outing.

Since my work sent us to wfh after covid hit there has been an annoying push from our team management to over compensate for not being in the office, they have made a mission to have 3x a week team building sessions often lasting an hour. As apparently, I am the most ‘anti social’ team member (I’m an introvert) I was made to arrange every single one as part of my development plan

6 months later I have point blank now refused to arrange any more, I have a high workload and spending three hours a week attending them is bad enough, let alone the time it takes me to set them up and create quizzes, games etc. I am the busiest member of the team and this is well known by snr management, my workload has exploded since coronavirus as in addition to my normal role I am now responsible for our covid response efforts.

For the last couple of weeks many team members haven’t been attending the team building sessions and get no flack, today I have a lot on and have told my line manager that I wont be attending todays quiz, after which she called and moaned about me not making time for the team. I politely asked if she had said the same to the other team members over the last few weeks who also couldn’t make the sessions, to which I got silence.

She then moaned about how we as a team aren’t friends with each other, other teams are all friends and we should be the same. To which I replied you are all my co-workers not my friends, its been 6 months and we are no closer to being best buddies, maybe we are all too different to get to the point of being ‘friends’ to which she hung up and has arranged a ‘performance’ review next week with me.

AIBU to say that my co-workers are just that and not my friends?

I’d hate all that so much. How would much more effective would your work be if your were all friends? What difference would it make? Three times a week for socialising is a ridiculous waste of time. Also, surely the point of being a good manager is to pay to everyone’s strengths, not to pull them down over their weakness?

@ClareBlue

There is a role for team building within organisations, but that is not forcing friendships.

It is about building up respect and trust and knowing strengths and weaknesses and is especially important with the increased wfh and remote working at the moment.

But 3 hours a week does seem excessive and it def should be rotated between members and attendence should be required.

And you shouldn't be threatened with performance review because you bring up valid issues. But as per usual, try and sort it rationally and informally before you go formal and positions get entrenched. Those advocating going to the union. Have you ever been involved in a protacted employment dispute? It really should be a last option. Doing things you don't want to do or think shouldn't be done is not the same as being bullied or discriminated against.

Conflict takes a massive toil even if you are in the right.

Lay out what the issues are, offer some solutions and be concilitorary is always the best start.

At this point I agree the conflict and drama associated with a grievance isn't worth my time or energy

I had a similar incident a month ago where I was close to going to HR but the company has a history of supporting the more senior staff member. It's not worth it for me at the moment esp with other things going on in my life but I just wanted a sanity check that I wasn't being a total asshole for saying they're not my friends

I think you can forge good, genuine friendships through work but it can't be part of the job description. It's reasonable to ask for supportive and cohesive teams but you can't force friendships.

More to the point it sounds like you're being a bit picked on. Why should it be exclusively your responsibility to do this? If you've been doing this for x many weeks I think you should just say its beginning into eat into your primary workload and is impacting your productivity.

Sounds awful. My co workers aren’t friends. Not because I don’t like them but it’s a different relationship all together.
Maybe suggest that you’ve always found team bonding at work develops through working together on actual work, not quizzes.
I’d go a bit ott, suggest your performance review is just you and her at a local cafe/pub over lunch. Tell her you love the team, can’t wait to bond with them all in person and book a work baby shower - grim, but this investment will get her off your back.

And obviously add the ‘I’d love to organise all our social events but I’m just so stretched, you know how hard it is’

100% agree with you OP

There is plenty of advice coming from people who obviously work in highly unionised workplaces with good employment protection. This is not always the case.

How do you think organisations generally react when you complain about your manager to their manager?

What stress do you think grievance procedures put on you and how do you think the organisation will react? Every single thing will be scrutinised.

It is very easy to advise you should go formal, but is this really descrimination or bullying?;Do you genuinely think your manager will change if you start a formal process, or will she just be more subtle and watch everything you do.

There are definitely times to fight, but only when you have tried to change situations informally.

Congrats on baby

What do they want? You all to start shagging each other? Would that be friendly enough?

I'd hate the forced element.
Having said that, I'm lucky enough to call my colleagues friends, even though I'm at a different life stage from most.

What a joke!
Let them try that matey nonsense with blokes in a workshop or in IT then see how they get on.
The only thing we would do is on Friday, have a couple of drinks on the way to the station then catch trains in different directions.
Its an extension of school, 'if you are friends with her you can't be friends with us' nonsense. Losers!
Get your retaliation in first, directly complain to next senior up with copy to HR.
Blokes would.

This crossed with your update.

No you are not being unreasonable not thinking work colleagues should be friends. I know hundreds of people through work and none would be invited to my house.

A company will ALWAYS side with management. Involving HR and grievances etc will not end well. (Speaking from experience when whistleblowing.)
If you weren't pregnant (congrats btw) I'd advise looking for another job.

@Bluetrews25

What do they want? You all to start shagging each other? Would that be friendly enough?

I'd hate the forced element.
Having said that, I'm lucky enough to call my colleagues friends, even though I'm at a different life stage from most.

There was a thread where this was basically happening in a 'hip' company. It didn't end well

@annon1368

NC due to being outing.

Since my work sent us to wfh after covid hit there has been an annoying push from our team management to over compensate for not being in the office, they have made a mission to have 3x a week team building sessions often lasting an hour. As apparently, I am the most ‘anti social’ team member (I’m an introvert) I was made to arrange every single one as part of my development plan

6 months later I have point blank now refused to arrange any more, I have a high workload and spending three hours a week attending them is bad enough, let alone the time it takes me to set them up and create quizzes, games etc. I am the busiest member of the team and this is well known by snr management, my workload has exploded since coronavirus as in addition to my normal role I am now responsible for our covid response efforts.

For the last couple of weeks many team members haven’t been attending the team building sessions and get no flack, today I have a lot on and have told my line manager that I wont be attending todays quiz, after which she called and moaned about me not making time for the team. I politely asked if she had said the same to the other team members over the last few weeks who also couldn’t make the sessions, to which I got silence.

She then moaned about how we as a team aren’t friends with each other, other teams are all friends and we should be the same. To which I replied you are all my co-workers not my friends, its been 6 months and we are no closer to being best buddies, maybe we are all too different to get to the point of being ‘friends’ to which she hung up and has arranged a ‘performance’ review next week with me.

AIBU to say that my co-workers are just that and not my friends?

I agree with you, for me I've always tried to keep my co workers as just that. I find it gets messy when you mix work and personal al life. As long as you do your job and be a team player when necessary I don't see the problem your manager seems to have with you.

annon1368

Most of what I did wouldn't have worked in a religious company 😄
I would state your case and be prepared take it further
She sounds like a loon

Tbh it sounds like she is either making good use of the fact that you go along with the idea of "you = introversion = not sociable", or she is biased against you, either through personal dislike or due to your non-belief? HR is the way to go here.

What do the other members of the team think about being the left-over group of outsiders? Could you bond over your irritation about being treated so unprofessionally?!

I remember being leant on to go out with the rest of the team by my line manager, who was young enough to be my son, on several occasions. I had to be very firm without saying why (I have issues with alcohol). I said that it was nothing personal against anyone else (I just had no desire for them to watch me swinging from the chandeliers and I have no self control, cannot just have one) In the end, I did snap that I wouldn't be going.

Agreed, and not just because I hated my colleagues. You can't force friendship on people. You either gel or you don't. I hate team building and all that morale boosting bullshit. I had to do it in my last job when I had my arm twisted into attending an equality and diversity meeting, even though I begged to be let off because it meant me doing overtime and I knew it would trigger a fibro flare, and I had to do group work with a colleague who I didn't get on with. It was a nightmare. I'm just glad I never had to have nights out with colleagues. One of the solicitors in the job I did before my last kept suggesting book groups and pizza nights and shit like that. No thanks. I'd rather hang out with my real friends. I don't go to work to make friends, I go to work to do my job.

Performance reviews are not a weapon to be used for spite, which is how this reads. Your boss seems to enjoy undermining you, as well as putting lots of extra work on your shoulders.
Nobody has to be friends in the workplace. There are expectations in most workplaces in relation to being professional etc but nothing about being bosom buddies. Friendships can develop, of course, but not in a forced way. YANBU, OP.
Prepare your points ahead of next week. Outline them clearly and calmly. Suggest the team building exercises should be organised by others, as an opportunity for development .

Best of luck with your pregnancy.

And of course, having a good vent about it without actually saying everything to your manager that you really think about her, is the whole purpose of this section of MN, so carry-on and say what you want to. We've all been there. It will be me next week.

YANBU this sounds horrendous! I'm relatively extrovert but that sort "forced fun" team building thing brings out the introvert in me big time. Anyone managing people who makes that your development plan should not be managing people. What sort of business even has the time for people to spend 3 hours a week every week on "team building". I totally agree that you don't have to be friends with the people you work with. It's nice if you can get on with them and have a bit of non-work related banter now and again but that only needs to be "9-5" and nothing beyond that. If you find friends through work then I consider that to be a bonus.
Your manager sounds seriously unprofessional. Do you have a HR department you can talk to (please don't tell me you are the HR department?!?)

3 a week is ridiculous - fine if it's just a ten minute catch up.
If you are the organiser - organise a rota for the quiz and gradually reduce the time for the meeting.
I would hate this - she is not being fair.

Does your employer know you're pregnant. Has this nit picking over your 'short comings' started since you told them.

Oh god OP. Making you arrange them....🤣🤣🤣🤣....tell them to f@@@ off. Who do you work for... David Brent???? Hideous people. I have swerved every work quiz going. Nobody cares in my team. They know I am nice to colleagues and work hard. That is enough. I have lots of friends. And....colleagues. They're great but... I HAVE FRIENDS. You are not unusual

You are completely sane and normal, and your boss is not.
You can't force friendships among colleagues, how ridiculous!
Sounds like you and the company are not a good fit, actually - the ethos sounds all wrong.

But I see you will be going on mat leave in a few months, so maybe keep your head down and plug along until you get there.

It would be worth checking with an outside person if your pregnancy could have an impact on any negative performance review - which your manager is looking like she's going to give you - it's a tricky one.

Do they know you're pregnant yet?

Ugh.
My boss introduced Team meetings (am and pm for different time zones) that were for non work related chat.
We used them a lot at the start of lockdown/wfh, but they were always optional and the am one has now been cancelled as we haven't used it in the last 2 months.
I can't bear enforced jollity and certainly would hate having to organise.
You have my sympathy