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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS2 has changed into someone I don't recognise in 8 weeks?

92 replies

ComplexPTSDmaybe · 12/08/2020 11:00

DS2 is 13. I just offered him a drink as he hasn't eaten or drunk since he got up. This is how the conversation went:

Me: 'DS2 do you want a drink? There's some cold coffee you could put ice in or some iced orange juice?'
DS2: 'What?'
Me: 'Do you want a drink? It's hot and you haven't had a drink. (offered options again)'
DS2: 'No I am not thirsty'
me: 'You should drink in this weather'
DS2: 'I'VE TOLD YOU I'M NOT THIRSTY YOU IDIOT'.

At that point I had to walk out or i was going to tell him to fuck off. Not great. But this is how every conversation with him about any food, drink, showering, doing homework, going out pans out and I am really reaching my tipping point.

A few major things have happened since March. Obviously there is: -Lockdown and no school
-Judging by how he smells and how much he has grown and his spots teenage hormones have kicked in
-He has just found out he is going to get a big inheritance from his father's family when he is 18 (his grandfathers estate is worth over a million and half and the idiots have, as always, told him 'because he is carrying on the family name he is going to see a lot of it'. DS2 is the golden child in ex-H family as all the other GC are girls. I have warned him that it will NOT make him a millionaire and it will be years before he sees any of it as there are 4 offspring and loads of grandchildren but they have filled his head)
-He found out I left exH because he broke my ribs and regularly hit me. He is blaming me. Calling me a loser and keeps saying how small my house is (his dad kept the big family home)

AIBU to really not know where to go with him? Do i get him counseling? I do not know (or like really) my child anymore and it is tearing me apart.

OP posts:

Newfornow · 12/08/2020 11:08

Leave him to decide when and what he drinks, washing in this heat does need encouraging because a smelly person makes the house stink.
His attitude sounds awful, especially calling you a loser. That i would have stern words about. However, and I have teenagers so know just how pointless conversation can seem, you must be consistent. All rudeness is challenged, not aggressively, but not dismissed either.
Not an easy situation. I hope for you it’s a phase. Do not “send him to his Dad”. You are strong and can deal with this.

Polnm · 12/08/2020 11:14

He told you that he didn’t want a drink and you gave a mini lecture. Offering coffee countered your argument about needing to drink in this weather, .

He was rude but by 13 you need to respect their ability to make day to day decisions such as this for themselves

Polnm · 12/08/2020 11:16

Counselling sounds good. Ask his school when they go back

Neolara · 12/08/2020 11:17

I think at 13 he is old enough to work out if he wants a drink or not. Asking him 3 times was probably annoying. The more you push, the more likely he is to resist. I would pick your battles carefully, focusing only on the really important stuff.

The other stuff around calling you a loser for leaving your abusive ex is deeply unpleasant and frankly, a bit odd. It might be worth trying to unpick this a bit with him. Try to get him to explain in detail why he thinks this. However, you'll have to try to say super calm while he talks and not attempt to defend yourself, which I imagine would be very difficult.

AriettyHomily · 12/08/2020 11:19

I would have left it at no, at 13 he can figure out how to get himself a drink if he wants it!

I'd try and ride and hope he gets a bit more back to normal after school goes back tbh. Apart from the DV which must be horrible for him to grasp, he sounds like a pretty normal teenager. His way of dealing with it is probably by projecting it on to you because he isn't mature enough to know how to deal with it yet.

dontdisturbmenow · 12/08/2020 11:21

Time to recognise that tour baby is now a teenager and can decide to have a drink.

Time to make it very clear that talking to you like this is absurdly not on and that he'll be punished for doing so.

Original poster

ComplexPTSDmaybe · 12/08/2020 11:45

Yes, I was thinking when I was saying it 'Why are you pushing him into drinking?'. I wouldn't have communicated that way with DS1 (who is 17) I would have shrugged and thought 'He will get a drink when he needs one' but with DS2, if you do not push the normal, every day self care things (like eating, drinking, sleeping, washing and dressing) he simply just doesn't do it. It bothers me to the point where I sit there not being able to get my work done (I wfh half the week). I don't know why I am so stressed out with his teenage behaviour, I have been through it once and managed fine.

I think deep down I am worried DS2 will turn out like his dad. The verbal stuff, contempt for me and the arrogance is like living with ex-H again and I think it is impacting on our relationship

OP posts:

user1469544430 · 12/08/2020 11:48

Sorry to hear this: the drink thing, I agree with the others.
The stuff about you being a 'loser' for something this awful, is as others have said, pretty bad: I think he is probably angry and shocked to hear what happened to you, but conversely you are the 'safe' one to direct the anger at. He knows you will always love him, whereas his relationship with his dad probably feels more fragile so he takes out the anger on you. It's not fair and he needs to learn this is wrong, but I think mothers often become the focus of anger at this stuff precisely because their love is less conditional. My DB did the same thing with my mum - he needs to learn to own his feelings, and not 'direct' them at you. It took until my brother grew up but there might be some anger management techniques out there - although if it's hard to ask him if he wants a drink then it might be hard to broach!

happytoday73 · 12/08/2020 11:50

"The aggression, contempt and arrogance are the worst characteristics of your Dad. Let me be clear.... I would not accept them from him.. I will not accept them from you"

Toilenstripes · 12/08/2020 11:53

I would draw the line at calling you names, like loser. You keep him fed and a roof over his head. Sometimes teenagers need to be told some home truths about the reality of the world.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/08/2020 11:53

Blaming you for his dad leaving when he knows that he assaulted you is very very worrying. That must be so upsetting for you, it seems like his dad and his family are poisoning his mind against you and I'm sorry I really don't know what the solution is. Probably counseling would be your best bet if you can get him to go. Counseling for yourself might help as well, to equip you to deal with him better?

Mintjulia · 12/08/2020 11:57

I confiscate tech for rudeness, and I insist my ds(12) washes and cleans his teeth when he gets up. I don’t care what his hormones are doing.

I try not to hassle him about other stuff though. He’s at that awkward stage when he doesn’t know what he wants, so best just to give him some space.

GoGoGadgetShoes · 12/08/2020 12:06

I think it would be useful to try and unpick what is normal (if not necessarily acceptable) teenage behaviour and what is not, and for you to find some strategies to deal with these situations.

It is very hard when a child displays traits that we recognise from an abusive ex, because our reaction to that gets mixed up in our conditioned response to the abuse/abuser. When the child is acting up it can be hard to work out what it is we are actually reacting to, or who we are really angry with.

I agree with PPs who suggest that you might find counselling useful for yourself. That could be a first step, and might help you then decide whether you think counselling would be helpful for him too, at this stage. (I certainly found counselling after splitting with my EA ex to be extremely helpful - not just as regards my relationship with him but also with my children.)

itsgettingweird · 12/08/2020 12:11

Agree about leaving him to his teenage behaviour.

His mates will soon tell him if he smells when they go back to school!

With regards his father when he says things like that - rather than being hurt - why not just ask him outright if he'd rather go and live with dad then?

Sometimes the way to get teens to realise saying hateful stuff has consequences is natural consequences of their actions.
Not in an angry way.
But in a way of "it's clear you don't want to be here and think I should have stayed with your dad when he was abusive. I don't want you to be unhappy so we can arrange for you to live at dads and visit here EOW"

They usually backtrack once they realise you'll happily give in to their threats - however nice you are about them

Number3or4 · 12/08/2020 12:24

Was he close to his grandfather? Is he grieving? Does he need help grieving properly?

Original poster

ComplexPTSDmaybe · 12/08/2020 12:32

I have had counselling until the cows come home tbh. I am pretty level headed about everything but if he continues to mock me about how poor I am, calling me a loser idiot and saying his Dad's house is so much better, it doesn't really matter how sorted I am. I don't act upset but it does upset me. I do all the consequences consistently- I have been taking away wifi access, making him do chores, refusing to buy him anything at all for weeks because his attitude is so poor. He really wants a game for his PS but I haven't bought him it even though he has been going on about it since March. He literally just sneers at me and says he prefers being at his Dad's.

Rationally I know he is lashing out at me because he is angry but it is the arrogance and the thinking he is better than everyone else that I don't know what to do about. I worry that when he goes back to school he will be in deep shit tbh. DS1 doesn't have the same dad as him and he is pretty horrible to him too - yesterday he mocked DS2's bands single when we heard it played on the radio for the first time. Luckily DS1 just rolls his eyes at him and ignores him. I really love DS2 and I feel really sorry for him. He has had to deal with some pretty grown up stuff in his childhood. But I can't seem to communicate with him on any level at the moment. I don't think I could bring myself to say 'You aren't happy so go live with your Dad' because I don't want him to think I have given up on him. I haven't. I just want him to talk to me, have a better opinion of me and look after his basic needs better...(still not eaten or had a drink!)

OP posts:

Original poster

ComplexPTSDmaybe · 12/08/2020 12:34

Number3 his grandfather hasn't died yet. He is in his 80's. He is the one who told him about the inheritance and how much his land/house is worth...

OP posts:

Illdealwithitinaminute · 12/08/2020 12:34

I'm always nagging my youngest to drink and she can be bolshy in reply! I take the risk though, as she has migraines/gets extremely grumpy if she doesn't drink. Also, I've bought in things she likes to drink so I can leave her to it. I only mention it occasionally now, as 80% of the time she does do it herself.

Same with washing, I mostly leave it to her, she usually realises, but the odd 'dd, don't want to be mean but you probably need a shower to freshen up' seems to be ok.

I think at 14, they are at a funny age and being completely hands off and letting them fester isn't quite right, but if you say anything, it may be too intrusive, that's the risk you take but I'd rather be frank with my smelly child than just hope they realise in a year's time that they smelt!

More seriously, the other stuff would be good to get support around, hard to know what. I wouldn't take rudeness like being called an idiot though, I would walk away and then wait for an apology, if I didn't get one, I'd be less nice when a lift was needed, as reciprocal nice behaviour is required in this house for everyone to feel cooperative (I don't give lifts to people who speak constantly with contempt/rudeness, but if it's a one off and under pressure, I'd let it go).

Illdealwithitinaminute · 12/08/2020 12:40

Ok, ,just seen this, sounds like you are already putting a lot of effort in. I probably would be softer than this, tbh. I wouldn't like sneering, but I think not having money or his own autonomy over anything is a bit severe, does he have a way of purchasing stuff himself? Several months is quite a long time to have none, mine have their own bank accounts and cards and they check I approve of the game, but then they buy their own. I would cut the wifi off for mass murder but not for an eye-roll.

Do you do positive things together? Have fun? Love-bombing sounds shit but it really works.

I just feel that it sounds like you see him as a massive problem when he's not doing anything truly awful as a teen, yes, he's rude and that needs addressing, but no wifi/money for months is just too harsh and estranging him.

I think he actually needs more responsibility not less, and you probably need to start parenting him more like an adolescent and less like a smaller child (who you would control their money, when they drink).

I may be wrong though, and you are cutting him a lot of slack, I'm just throwing some ideas out there. Behaviour is communication though, and I think he's trying to communicate actually he's a bit older now and probably does need boundaries but a lighter touch than a younger child.

Hodge00079 · 12/08/2020 13:01

I get that you are concerned but TBH I would be annoyed if someone kept going on at me.

I get you do not want to say go live with dad. Does he want to live with dad? Would dad want him to? Would dad look after him ok? Would I really want you with me but I can see you are unhappy do you want to stay with dad work? Could be short term like a break. On the understanding he is wanted and can come back at anytime.

cringeworthit · 12/08/2020 13:03

I hope you told him off for calling you an idiot.

If I were you, I'd go on strike. Just get your own meals and drinks. When he appears for dinner, tell him that you are not going to cook for him until he starts showing you some respect and apologises for calling you an idiot. When he refuses, tell him he knows where the kitchen is.

Cheeky little shit.

Cattermole · 12/08/2020 13:04

@ComplexPTSDmaybe
Grandfather, tbh, sounds like an arse, and is probably not helping.

"One day son all this will be yours" and "the only son and heir" and all that old buck, sounds like he is being groomed to think that the sun shines out of the respective behinds of your ex's family whereas you, and your core values, are just there to in some way prevent him from being the great big I Am.
I may be way off the mark from that one remark, but it made me itchy.

GreyGardens88 · 12/08/2020 13:04

I'd throw him out

DanDean · 12/08/2020 13:13

The grandfather might live to be 105 and change his mind.

UnfinishedSymphon · 12/08/2020 13:14

@GreyGardens88

I'd throw him out

You'd throw a 13 year old out? Really?

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