To think DS2 has changed into someone I don't recognise in 8 weeks?

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

DS2 is 13. I just offered him a drink as he hasn't eaten or drunk since he got up. This is how the conversation went:

Me: 'DS2 do you want a drink? There's some cold coffee you could put ice in or some iced orange juice?'
DS2: 'What?'
Me: 'Do you want a drink? It's hot and you haven't had a drink. (offered options again)'
DS2: 'No I am not thirsty'
me: 'You should drink in this weather'
DS2: 'I'VE TOLD YOU I'M NOT THIRSTY YOU IDIOT'.

At that point I had to walk out or i was going to tell him to fuck off. Not great. But this is how every conversation with him about any food, drink, showering, doing homework, going out pans out and I am really reaching my tipping point.

A few major things have happened since March. Obviously there is: -Lockdown and no school
-Judging by how he smells and how much he has grown and his spots teenage hormones have kicked in
-He has just found out he is going to get a big inheritance from his father's family when he is 18 (his grandfathers estate is worth over a million and half and the idiots have, as always, told him 'because he is carrying on the family name he is going to see a lot of it'. DS2 is the golden child in ex-H family as all the other GC are girls. I have warned him that it will NOT make him a millionaire and it will be years before he sees any of it as there are 4 offspring and loads of grandchildren but they have filled his head)
-He found out I left exH because he broke my ribs and regularly hit me. He is blaming me. Calling me a loser and keeps saying how small my house is (his dad kept the big family home)

AIBU to really not know where to go with him? Do i get him counseling? I do not know (or like really) my child anymore and it is tearing me apart.

You do know that is emotional abuse?

Don't be ridiculous 🙄. Saying "hey I don't do anything nice for people who speak to me or treat me like that! So there'll be no lifts, no treats, no favours done, no pocket money until you apologise and your attitude changes" and then acting on it is NOT emotional abuse.

Can you imagine finding out that your father (who you love) had done something like that to your mother (who you also love). How do you rationalise it so that you can go on loving both of them?

That must be so comfusing.

Sorry - also to add, op, I have 2 sons and one daughter, and they ALL at about this age turned into people I didn't know anymore and didn't particularly like. Fortunately they all turned back into reasonable human beings within a year or so. It was hard though. I just kept plodding on, pointed out the unacceptable behaviour and made sure they knew I loved them.

I very much doubt he hates you. But hes very conflicted & there could be something else from his fathers side in the mix. Thank god you are as smart & as strong as you are - he does have half your genes but more importantly he has your upbringing, & you as an example. What a vile family they are.

But as you are realising this is serious. He will need very careful handling, & maybe professional help. Also if there is any way you can move him away from this toxic family without impacting on your career & life I would.

There are probably some good books that can help - you know him well enough to know what is likely to be the issue.

You dont mention your own family but currently kids are bored, not living their normal lives, & missing their friends. A good circle of positive people, particularly male role models/decent peers along with some things to do that engage him, dont involve money or tech, & enable him to gain some self worth would help a lot. Being around respectful decent adults who expect him to behave but who he looks up to. Things like (random idea) a sailing course, some kind of camping, sports (team sports like cricket). Something structured he can let off steam with but be kept in line where he watches men & women interact normally. Hard in current times but a lot of outdoor stuff is still going on.

Just send him to live at his Dad's.

I wouldn't go down the route of ignoring him, it feeds into whatever narrative his father has about you not being good enough or whatever shit he's hearing from there. It doesn't mean that you have to just accept the abuse but you can emphasise that you still love him even while you're telling him off, eg "That's a hurtful way to speak to someone who loves you".

I don't have any experience with domestic abuse, but I find the best way to talk about the problems from my DS's past is to not refer to him or his birth family directly but to talk about news stories. In your case, sadly, there are plenty of deaths by domestic violence in the news and I would say "That's so sad that woman died, her children/family/friends must be so traumatised and distraught. She must have suffered so much with that man/her husband/partner." It might lead to a conversation, or it might not. Given the stuff that he hears from his father your DS might say that she 'probably deserved it' or similar, and you can bring up that sometimes he's annoying but you still love him and don't beat him to a pulp or lock him in his room and let him starve to death. Nobody is the perfect wife/parent/child but nobody deserves to die because of it. Let him draw his own conclusions about your relationship with your ex.

@ComplexPTSDmaybe

DS2 didn't really have a concept that they are actually very wealthy because they are very very cautious with money and it is the land that they own that is where the money lies. So DS had no idea but now thinks he is coming into lots of money as an adult and can behave how he likes. I have told him over and over that this may well not happen. But his dad and GF have set this narrative up in his mind. His Dad often comments on my small house and how we all 'crammed in there' but it is my house. I bought it myself after going back to university and working my arse off after being shafted in the divorce. I am no idiot, in fact I am more qualified than his dad (doing my Doctorate at the moment through work) but i am working class, from Yorkshire and my parents are not well off. I think he must get fed lots of toxic messages about me tbh. Otherwise why does he hate me so much?

OP, I wonder if you have hit the nail on the head there. What you have, you have achieved for yourself through your own hard work. There are some people who would see that as a slight on their status because it's a rejection of their values.

Undermining you if that were the case would be a way of reinforcing - to themselves if nothing else - how you couldn't POSSIBLY be right to not think they were all that. What would you know?

Calling you “a loser” and “an idiot”, is horrible. Has he always talked to you like that?. Why does he think it’s ok to say those things? Why are they things to berate you with anyway. We can’t always be the winner and we are as clever as we are. I’d be tempted to calmly talk about his “insults” and see if they have any basis in fact and if you actually are culpable (highly unlikely) in any way. The process will be fairly boring for him and uncomfortable and that will probably change his behaviour.

Remember he isn’t made yet and some parts of development aren’t as fun as others.

So comments about your house being small. Explain why and also why it’s rude and rather unpleasant to be belittling your achievements. Ask him to explain why he thinks it’s ok.
Comments about your intelligence. Again, explain your level of intelligence and what youhavedonewithit. He’s likely to be within 5 IQ points +/- of you so ask him why he feels that’s something to slam you with. Tell him what you’d like him to say if you offer him a drink and he doesn’t want it, and always listen.
Etc etc etc

I think Oakmaiden's point is important - finding out a parent who you love is actually abusive can be quite traumatic, and hard to comprehend. I have a niece whose father was violent both physically and emotionally to her mother, and a big part of her trauma was her worrying that this would be her - as she was 'half her father' - and thinking it could be her fault, even though my sister made a huge effort to make her understand that she held absolutely no responsibility for her father's behaviour. Some of his anger may be at you because it was you who burst the bubble of perfection surrounding his father, by telling him. He is absolutely old enough to know, and understand, but it doesn't mean it's easy for him.
He absolutely should not speak to you like that, and needs pulling up on it, but as previously said, make sure he knows that you love him, and that any criticism is because of this, nd that you have his best interests at heart. It could be that the not eating and drinking, and lack of hygiene is actually his way of punishing himself for his father's misdemeanours. Tread carefully, and good luck xxx

I echo pp saying please don't do the "just like your father" thing. Both my parents did this and it's so damaging.

I used to feel like screaming "well you chose to procreate with him/her so who's fault is that?"

ItIsbetter No, he certainly hasn't always talked to me like this. His behaviour has always been difficult to manage as he dances to his own tune, but I like that about him IYSWIM? He never use insults to get to me though. This is a new thing.

Thanks biddie, oakmaiden, vodka and cattermole. What you are saying makes so much sense and is helping me. I understand why people are saying 'Go send him to live with his dad' or ignore him but I don't want to ignore it or just move the problem on. I want to make our relationship better.

His older brother and younger sister are rule followers to an extent, usual boundaries and consequences work well and I can communicate with them. They both have strong interests (music and horses) that they are both good at and can direct themselves into. I just can't find his 'thing' and I really think he feels a bit lost. If I boil it down I think he is traumatised by finding out his Dad was violent. He seemed really upset when he found out but that upset has turned to anger.

I have tried to get him into cooking because when he does it, he is great at it but he can't keep attention and focus on it. Unbelievably he was also the most loving and tactile. He is the only one who will still give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, if I ask for it. The other two are 'Ewwww' but he will hug me if I ask.

@Fizzysours

I totally understand why you DON'T want to tell him to fuck off (despite the provocation)- as his dad sounds quite a nasty chap, he needs you as the emotionally intact adult!!

School unfortunately are unlikely to have the resources to help, if it's a state school.

Just sending support. 13 year olds are generally vile. You are aware I guess, with your background, that ANY 13 yr old boy will have very poor empathy skills, due to their frontal lobe development? So it's too early to worry for now that he's like his dad's side. Glad your 17 year old sounds nicer. Hang in there OP xx

In my experience state schools gave much better access to resources to support pupils than independent

@YgritteSnow

You do know that is emotional abuse?

Don't be ridiculous 🙄. Saying "hey I don't do anything nice for people who speak to me or treat me like that! So there'll be no lifts, no treats, no favours done, no pocket money until you apologise and your attitude changes" and then acting on it is NOT emotional abuse.

We are talking about a child who may need counselling who is going through a period of change in his life

To withdraw all human emotion and be perfunctory is emotional abuse.

He doesn’t need his mother to be withdrawing from him emotionally.

I do not agree that it is. Sorry.

Now my parents ignored me entirely for six months after they read my diary when I was 16 - that's emotional abuse. I know what it is. I experienced it throughout my teen years.

Showing your child that if they're rude and obnoxious they don't get the nice stuff is NOT emotional abuse.

He is not his dad, so don't put that on him.

Just listen to what he says (well, not when he is being rude!) but don't try to find his 'thing' or needle him over minor stuff like drinking fluids! That - to me - implies you are not actually hearing what he says but putting your own ideas in there instead. For the drink for example, you asked him, he replied - but you ignored it and made your point again.

Don't assume your DH's family are filling his head with things about you, you don't have any proof of that. You mention what you think is happening or should happen and he's got no chance of winning against that as he doesn't know what they are!

The calling you a loser and criticising your house is definitely not on. He is being rude and ungrateful there, and I would use those words when he does that.

While the situation is upsetting and frustrating, it doesn't sound unsolvable especially if this change is recent. Hang in there, OP!

@Polnm - how on earth is that emotional abuse? Being calm, abusive? providing meals, abusive? Setting clear, fair guidelines, abusive? Of course it's not.
But calling someone an idiot for caring about your physical wellbeing (drinking enough liquid in a heatwave) - that is abusive and he is old enough to know or be taught it is and to learn there are consequences for treating those you love with no respect.