To think DS2 has changed into someone I don't recognise in 8 weeks?

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

DS2 is 13. I just offered him a drink as he hasn't eaten or drunk since he got up. This is how the conversation went:

Me: 'DS2 do you want a drink? There's some cold coffee you could put ice in or some iced orange juice?'
DS2: 'What?'
Me: 'Do you want a drink? It's hot and you haven't had a drink. (offered options again)'
DS2: 'No I am not thirsty'
me: 'You should drink in this weather'
DS2: 'I'VE TOLD YOU I'M NOT THIRSTY YOU IDIOT'.

At that point I had to walk out or i was going to tell him to fuck off. Not great. But this is how every conversation with him about any food, drink, showering, doing homework, going out pans out and I am really reaching my tipping point.

A few major things have happened since March. Obviously there is: -Lockdown and no school
-Judging by how he smells and how much he has grown and his spots teenage hormones have kicked in
-He has just found out he is going to get a big inheritance from his father's family when he is 18 (his grandfathers estate is worth over a million and half and the idiots have, as always, told him 'because he is carrying on the family name he is going to see a lot of it'. DS2 is the golden child in ex-H family as all the other GC are girls. I have warned him that it will NOT make him a millionaire and it will be years before he sees any of it as there are 4 offspring and loads of grandchildren but they have filled his head)
-He found out I left exH because he broke my ribs and regularly hit me. He is blaming me. Calling me a loser and keeps saying how small my house is (his dad kept the big family home)

AIBU to really not know where to go with him? Do i get him counseling? I do not know (or like really) my child anymore and it is tearing me apart.

I went through something similar around that age with my DS now 16.
From what you’ve written you’re smother loving him and need to back off and give him some space.
However his speaking to you in that manner is totally unacceptable and he needs to understand that if he wants to be treated like an adult, behave like one! That includes managing when to shower / eat / drink etc.

I had many conversations around this. Every time he would fall into bratty boy, I’d remind him that I was sticking to my end of the deal and treating him like an adult therefore he needed to keep to his part by behaving like one.

Let him stay with dad and grandfather for a bit. With his attitude he might find himself on the streets with no inheritance to look forward to (if there is one)

I completely understand where you are coming from, OP, as I've got two teenagers who can also be really rude and dismissive when you're only trying to help them.

What has helped me is just to expect them to be surly and temperamental as it's a confusing time being a teenager. I don't mean nasty remarks are OK - just that I think, "Here we go again!" when one of them kicks off. A bit like dealing with a difficult customer at work - try not to take it to heart.

However, when they have said something personal or critical, I have always taken them up on it using a firm tone. if your son accuses you of being a loser, you could say something like, "I'm a loser? Well, at least I had the good sense to look after myself and leave a violent relationship. One day, you'll understand that I'm actually very brave."

I know this is all easier said than done, though. You will have lots of good and bad days with your son!

I wouldn’t underestimate impact of domestic violence on children op. I think he would probably benefit from some counselling but I doubt he’d accept it. Time to up your parental presence, that means not just upping the boundary setting, but also the nurture giving. Have a look at non violent resistance. There are some really useful ideas there for how to change how your child experiences you. It’s really good that you recognise your own triggers and you’re obviously Motivated to help him. You’re more than halfway there :)

My nephew is like this.

My sister’s partner is the higher earner, my sister only works part time. Due to this, my nephew (when in a mood) will use that to get at my sister “you don’t earn as much as dad” “dad pays the rent” blah blah blah.

He’s just pushing boundaries and maybe also a bit moody. You’re the mom and you can say “don’t speak to me like that” you can also punish him (within reason) “speak to me like that and there’ll be consequences”

My nephew normally has his xbox taken off him when he’s been rude. My sister has also been called an “idiot” too.

Just put your foot down and demand respect. (:

Send him to live with his dad. The amount of £ left by the grandfather won’t be life changing shared with all those people.

I didn't read the OP properly. He is going to inherit part of a £1.5 mil estate in 5 yrs time.

Depends what it is, I suppose. It sounds a lot but that's because I'm dirt poor.

Is the grandfather single? He might get married or change his will before 2025.

He's probably just being a teenager, but all the money in the world is worth being a smelly obnoxious shit.

Why can't he go stay with dad and just come back to you every other weekend?

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. It's sounds a mix of things as all family life is really.

You've seen teenage life with your DS1 though they can differ, especially where they have different fathers and family circumstances. There'll be no magic bullet but I expect you'll have to muddle through with a mixture of trying to be patient, biting your tongue, some carefully aimed home truths and keeping communication open and probably avoiding asking three times about drinks.

The resident parent tends to get criticism in the neck as they are around. As you are aware, the echoes with your abusive ex probably mean you worry more and perhaps read a little into his behaviour. Fortunately, your DS has you in your life to help reduce the risk. Now you've told him about the abuse, it might be necessary to ask the next time he calls you a loser how he thinks it felt when you were injured and how he thinks partners should be treated.

He'll say nasty things but I expect he's more critical inside his head of his father who hurt the mother he loves.

It might sound sexist but perhaps a 'lets hope your DGF doesn't marry a twenty year old and gift his inheritance to her or your DF and uncles don't spend it all on cars and holidays before you see any, perhaps studying won't be a waste of time' might be necessary.'

Good luck.

He sounds awful. Mine would never dare to talk to me like that. I don’t think your being too harsh on him, not harsh enough by the sounds of it, but maybe just pick your battles and let him decide if he wants a drink or not honestly I feel for you x

.....and if he sneers at your 'small' home, reply, "Yes, our house is quite small, I suppose, but I work hard, I pay my bills and I don't hurt people. I'm proud of myself".

@happytoday73

"The aggression, contempt and arrogance are the worst characteristics of your Dad. Let me be clear.... I would not accept them from him.. I will not accept them from you"

I understand where this is coming from but my mother used that 'just like your father' line about any element of my behaviour she didn't like, and it was... not helpful. This boy's behaviour is unpleasant and unacceptable, definitely, but that's all that needs to be said. It's not fair to visit the sins of the father upon the son, especially in the aftermath of a violent marriage breakdown - this boy, however unpleasant he is currently being, is not his father, and his behaviour is something he has the power to change. It's not an inherited trait.

To say 'this behaviour comes from your father, you're like him' just enhances the schism between the two sides of the family in his mind. Clearly the kid already notices the difference, and he's working through a lot of stuff. He's as much his mother as he is his father, however scornful he currently feels about that, and he needs to learn to treat her respectfully because that's what decent human beings do, not because of kinship.

OP, this sounds really tough. Do continue to bear in mind that all teenagers are utter dickheads sometimes, so while some of this is of course specific to your situation, some of it is also being enacted in homes across the country every single day.

@ComplexPTSDmaybe

I have had counselling until the cows come home tbh. I am pretty level headed about everything but if he continues to mock me about how poor I am, calling me a loser idiot and saying his Dad's house is so much better, it doesn't really matter how sorted I am. I don't act upset but it does upset me. I do all the consequences consistently- I have been taking away wifi access, making him do chores, refusing to buy him anything at all for weeks because his attitude is so poor. He really wants a game for his PS but I haven't bought him it even though he has been going on about it since March. He literally just sneers at me and says he prefers being at his Dad's.

Rationally I know he is lashing out at me because he is angry but it is the arrogance and the thinking he is better than everyone else that I don't know what to do about. I worry that when he goes back to school he will be in deep shit tbh. DS1 doesn't have the same dad as him and he is pretty horrible to him too - yesterday he mocked DS2's bands single when we heard it played on the radio for the first time. Luckily DS1 just rolls his eyes at him and ignores him. I really love DS2 and I feel really sorry for him. He has had to deal with some pretty grown up stuff in his childhood. But I can't seem to communicate with him on any level at the moment. I don't think I could bring myself to say 'You aren't happy so go live with your Dad' because I don't want him to think I have given up on him. I haven't. I just want him to talk to me, have a better opinion of me and look after his basic needs better...(still not eaten or had a drink!)

I'm not suggesting saying to him to live with his dad in a way that indicates you want to him to go or have given up on him.

It has to be calm measured and clever.

So you tell him you respect his opinion if yin is poor because you walked away from abuse, that he thinks his dads is better and he doesn't respect you. You respect his feelings that he'd rather live with dad and would he like you to arrange this for him and when would he like to visit you.

It's because often when you calmly call teens bluff over their hormonal unfair ranting and they realise they may get what they don't want but have said they want it's what encourages them to take stock of their worlds and actions.

My ds hasn't seen his dad since he was 2. His horns last bad patch I got this. So I calmly suggested ways he contact him, gave him suggested places to learn language if country his dad lives. Talked about different way of schooling and how he could get his choose career through this way. Asked him if he wanted to visit holidays or if I should go out and visit him.

He suddenly realised (he did know!) it wasn't a better option. But also realised exactly who was the one who was there for him and genuinely cared about his wellbeing. I was willing to let the child I loved go to make him happy.

But then I also knew it was hit air and so didn't actually have any concerns he'd also call my bluff and go for it

I’d feel exactly like you describe and telling him to ‘f off’ would be hard to hold back (but I would).

Let’s just hope Grandad has a good 20+ years yet....

Can the executor of the estate with-hold his inheritance until he's older, more stable and mature?

A friend's unstable, immature teen daughter received a massive inheritance at 18. She ran wild, ran off, and pissed it away in no time, ruining her own life and others.

I'm shocked that anyone has suggested you send your son to live with a man who broke your ribs and regularly physically abused you, even (perhaps especially) if that man is his father. At best, living around an abusive person may show him the light and make him horrified at how he's treating you, but it will leave it's own marks, and at worst it will turn him into someone who sees that sort of behaviour as normal and metes it out to his future family.

I would echo that he clearly needs counselling. A certain amount of bolshiness, rudeness etc is pretty much a given for a teenager, but he simply can't be unaffected by what he witnessed or knows about the violence that went on in your marriage, and that must have spilled over into his behaviour in one way or another. I think that even a child who seemed to be their usual happy, loving self would benefit from counselling after the breakdown of their parents' abusive marriage.

Maybe he really does just want to live with his dad? I’m a great supporter of parents putting their own feelings aside and letting them have some autonomy over this. One of mine lives with their Dad. I hate it, but I would never have stopped it. My stepchildren have wanted to live here desperately for years and they are incredibly angry that their mum just won’t let them. They’re planning to leave on their 16th birthdays.

Reading this again op he's being set up for a fall by the other family. It's not a life changing inheritance, there will be a chunky tax bill (200k?), solicitor and probate fees and then divvy it up. Chuck in some care fees...

The grandfather sounds an arse! I'd tell your son not to count his chickens as £1m can whittle away on care home fees before golden boy inherits. And that people who make a big deal about their wills are also prone to changing them!
Then leave the smelly little bugger to get dehydrated if he wants - but he's not getting any dinner unless he has a shower.
I'd also have a serious talk about domestic violence. Making it abundantly clear that you are not so big a loser that you'll tolerate broken ribs for him to have a bigger bedroom or whatever.

Your exams sounds horrendous and his family sound manipulative tbh. (You sounds amazing, by the way, OP).

If it’s any reassurance, the only reason he is lashing out at you is because he can - ie. he knows that you are there unconditionally for him, whatever.

The same can not be said for his dad unfortunately. He has been let down there and maybe senses this family / inheritance thing is all a bit manipulative and fake too. So by testing you, he’s testing his insecurities.

Has he ever seen a therapist and might this be a possibility? Although a lot of this is obviously fuelled by hormones, it may take the pressure off you and give him some neutral space to work through his anger..

He does sound very angry, but his behaviour towards you is misplaced anger. The heat is probably exacerbating everything too.

I’d be online a lot because this can have a big effect on their mood? Do you know who he might be talking to online? How are things with his friends?

I’m sorry for you but you seem super self-aware and because of this I’m sure you’ll both come through this phase.

Your ex - not exams!

“Offering coffee countered your argument about needing to drink in this weather”

Actually the science doesn’t back that up. Drinking moderate a amount of caffeine and doing a bit more piss is still much better than not drinking at all.

If the grandfather's estate is worth a million and a half, is that after Inheritance tax?

Also...the silly old goat might need to go into long term care at £1,000 a week...That soon eats into savings.

Telling a child ''You are coming into ££££'' is stupid, as it makes them not want to be self reliant financially.

Having a smelly teen isn't good...but I agree..let him earn money, and spend it on what he wants to {as long as it is reasonable}.

For a couple of weeks just don't do anything for him except put a meal on the table and tell him its there. Be calm and just say I am not doing anything until you learn to respect me. Be polite if he speaks to you but don't cave in. Let him do his.own washing etc.

OP did you do anything after ge called you an idiot? What are the consequences for such behaviour in your household?

I would suggest joint counselling and drawing up some rules and consequences if that is something you don't have in place yet. Don't let him off the hook with behaviour like that, he needs to learn from you how to behave as it sounds his father is a toxic example to follow.

You are already doing so well be stepping out of an abusive relationship. Now the challenge is to teach him not to follow on his father's steps.