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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nursery refusal

126 replies

HarryHarry · 11/08/2020 19:26

If your child was or is a nursery or a school refuser, how did you know when to take them seriously when they said they didn’t want to go? To give in and let them stay at home?

I ask because my 2.5 year old son is extremely distressed at nursery. It’s been 8 months (minus a few weeks during lockdown) and he still isn’t getting used to it. In fact he is worse than ever. I know it’s normal for kids to cry at drop-off but I’ve never seen any other kid get into such a state. When I pick him up in the afternoons he is literally trembling like he’s been struggling to keep it together all day. I don’t want to remove him from the nursery as I think it will be good for him in the long-run (and also I don’t want to set a precedent for refusing primary school and secondary school) but I am a bit worried that it’s more than just normal separation anxiety/fear of the unfamiliar. Since he’s been going there he has become very sullen and emotional and fearful, even at home. He used to be so happy and carefree. The nursery workers don’t seem concerned but they don’t know what he’s like normally and also, he isn’t their child. They say he’s just picking up on my anxiety... but I wasn’t anxious until he started freaking out like this every day! The other children I see all seem totally content.

Please feel free to tell me that I’m overreacting - I really hope I am! I’d love to hear from parents who had similar and everything turned out fine!

OP posts:
randomer · 11/08/2020 20:57

Poor kid and poor kids. What on earth are we doing to them?

ZaphodBeeblerox · 11/08/2020 21:00

I don’t think this is normal at all. My LO was like this in the first setting we tried for 2 weeks at 11 mos. Both the CM and we agreed she wasn’t settling well at all and removed her. We managed to find a nanny for 6 mos and then a nursery where she’d still cry at drop off but be happy as a lamb 5 mins later and we could see she was v happy at pick up. This doesn’t sound right at all OP!!

SkatingWithBears · 11/08/2020 21:00

With my first child I was very he ‘he must learn/ go to nursery/ he must settle’, I regret it a bit tbh. His sibling I was softer and moved them, it was a positive thing. The next I had a childminder, the next two I just shared between friends/ family and worked less. I don’t know why I was so set on growing up and routines at the time. I’ve released hugely, and tbh the younger ones seem more socially confident and relaxed as they grow.
Honestly, no further problems came from a bit more indulgence and giving in when they were small. The little ones are adaptable and well-mannered, they give anything a go and do what they are told. They were spoilt toddlers, attention and time and not really forced to do anything- they grew up just fine. They fit in anywhere easily and have lots of friends.
Don’t be afraid of ever making changes that suit you and your kid, even if it’s against the grain. Move nurseries, get a childminder or do anything you can that works. Change your mind often- it’s fine

Soontobe60 · 11/08/2020 21:05

@HarryHarry

The problem is that it is almost impossible to find a space at another nursery. The one we’re at is said to be one of the best. He goes 3 days a week. Eats and sleeps fine, apparently. But he is just very down throughout the day and becomes emotional when he sees me. They don’t care so much but I can see his distress in the videos they send me.

Part of the issue may be that they don’t speak English there (we don’t live in the UK) so he can’t communicate easily but I thought he would just pick up the other language. They told me most English speaking kids who go there pick it up within 6 months.

I am desperate for him to stay in nursery so he can learn the language before he starts school. I feel like I would be putting him at a great disadvantage to deny him that opportunity.

The language barrier could be the issue. Do you speak the local language with him at all?
DivGirl · 11/08/2020 21:05

Move him.

My son (same age as yours) started a new nursery last week (temporarily while I visit his dad in hospital - we're 300 miles from home). By day two he was fine on drop off, and when I picked him up he told me to go back to the car because he was playing with his friends.

8 months and still not settled means he will probably never settle. Find a new nursery or get a nanny who speaks the local language. This one just doesn't sound like it's a good fit.

SilentStorm · 11/08/2020 21:14

This isn't right.

You need to listen to what he's trying to tell you, and take him out.

My DS was similar, I found out quite by accident the reason why (not going to go into the whole story on this thread as it's upsetting).

A smaller setting like a childminder might suit him better.

SunshineCake · 11/08/2020 21:15

My daughter went to her brothers play school when she was around two. She wasn't happy at drop off but I thought she was soon fine. I would look through the window and she would be being read to, wasn't crying and I thought okay. Then after a few months I was told if she didn't start settling soon they would have to get someone in. Angry. This was news to me as I thought she was settled Sad. I removed her pretty soon and sent her to a nursery.

Again, hard to settle but the staff seemed to be working with her better. One even laid on the floor with her for nearly an hour. Eventually we removed her as they were having too many changes of activities and staff and I had her at home with me for five months before she started school at just four.

I can't remember any issues with settling. She was exceptionally bright and I just think play school didn't have the time for her (she could read herself at two) and with nursery I think she didn't like so many children in what I think now was a very small space.

If I had my time again I would have kept her home with me until school but her brother had gone to play school so..

SunshineCake · 11/08/2020 21:19

He's miserable

You don't trust them

You don't think they care

He has to learn a language.

How on Earth is it the best. Who says that ?

Come on, think.

Julmust · 11/08/2020 21:27

You're not being pfb. He's unhappy, even at home. You're more likely to look back and regret keeping him somewhere he was unhappy than regret removing him.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 11/08/2020 21:28

When I pick him up in the afternoons he is literally trembling like he’s been struggling to keep it together all day.

Oh, OP he can't stay there - he is very very little and very unhappy - you need to make a change.

"I don’t want to remove him from the nursery as I think it will be good for him in the long-run (and also I don’t want to set a precedent for refusing primary school and secondary school)" - he's barely more than a baby - this will be forgotten by then if you make a change - it is more likely that the reverse would be true. Make him stay and he is less likely to be confident as he grows up.

FWIW DS2 started nursery at 14 months when I started a new job. He really shrunk into himself and clearly wasn't happy at first - they had put him into the toddler room and the others were more boisterous, so we discussed it and they moved him in with the older babies -and he settled like a dream. Do talk to someone, I feel so sad for you both

Twigaletta · 11/08/2020 21:34

If my DC behaved like this every day whether at school or nursery I would look into changing provider.

My DD took a long time to settle into her outstanding childminder's and the CM wasn't worried. But I knew things were wrong when she cried at the sight of the sign showing we were in the CM's village (just driving through on a weekend). I moved her and she settled in so much better literally from day 1 with the 'good' CM.

So I would change the nursery. DD settled in absolutely fine to school so it doesn't necessarily translate to school refusal.

ZooKeeper19 · 11/08/2020 21:43

@HarryHarry hey OP, a mum of a much smaller baby here, also due to start nursery. He was so distressed when I tried to hand him over to anyone I asked the nursery to postpone our slot (which they were very kind to do) and I arranged a childminder (where I can actually go with him and stay as long as he needs me to). May be an option for you too.

Grandmi · 11/08/2020 21:47

Get feedback from the nursery. My son was like this at nursery and it took about 3 months to relise that he was scared of one of the workers . I feel guilty to this day that I didn’t take his whining seriously until I witnessed the fear on his face when he saw this particular worker .

Poppinjay · 11/08/2020 22:08

When I pick him up in the afternoons he is literally trembling like he’s been struggling to keep it together all day.

This level of trauma could do long-lasting harm to his mental health. Whether it's because he has some hypersensitivities or neurodevelopmental differences, the staff just aren't providing a nurturing environment or someone is being actively abusive towards him, he is experiencing trauma.

If you need him to be in childcare, look for a gentler, more nurturing option. Could you emply a nanny who speaks the local language instead?

Please don't keep trying to make this work any longer.

oakleaffy · 11/08/2020 22:41

*You need to listen to what he's trying to tell you, and take him out.

My DS was similar, I found out quite by accident the reason why (not going to go into the whole story on this thread as it's upsetting).

A smaller setting like a childminder might suit him better.*

Eight months out of a 2.5 year old's life is massive. For him to be so unhappy there, it just seems cruel to make him stay there.

Because of my own trauma at 2.5 yrs at the brutal Day nursery {won't go into it here} I never sent my DS to any nursery where I wasn't present.

He started school at 4 and loved it. {late July birthday}

The early years are so formative, He is a baby, really...He needs his Mum, or at least a kindly person whom he feels safe with.
I have honestly shed a tear at re-reading your description, as it brings back memories.. Your Son cannot tell you how frightened and bereft he feels in words, but his actions speak volumes.

I agree with PP about the potential for long term damage somewhere so ''unsuitable'' for him could be doing...

The stress hormones flooding his body alone cannot be good.

A kinder, more nurturing place , or even a one to one well vetted Nanny would be more suitable.

Re different languages.... Kids play well together {when happy} no matter what the language..Just look at groups of kids on International camp sites..
👍

Broomfondle · 11/08/2020 22:47

I think you're going down a blind alley worrying about 'setting a precedent for school refusal'. He's two and a half!!

It's more important to set a precedent that he is safe, secure and having his needs and wellbeing looked after by those around him. That will set him up more than anything and it sounds like this isn't happening at his nursery.

For what it's worth, if a child was utterly miserable at school and it was traumatising them and changing their happy nature despite time and effort to address it, I would look into moving schools. Surely that's a better precedent than sticking something out that's harmful just because?

He's 2.5, give him a chance to be happy out of this environment

HarryHarry · 12/08/2020 04:03

To be clear, he started going there in January but to begin with he was in a different group which I really didn’t think was a good fit. (The staff could barely speak the local language and there were some hygiene issues). I think part of the reason he didn’t get used to it was because he had time off for illness etc so he never really got into the swing of things. I moved him to his current group after lockdown so he has only been there for about 1.5 months. I like the staff in the new group. It’s not that I think they don’t care about him - they just don’t seem overly concerned about his crying, like it’s just normal to them. It’s true that he stops crying after a few minutes of me leaving - I listen at the door to see how long it goes on for. They always say he had a great day but I only ever see him upset there so I don’t know what to think really. My husband says that if he really didn’t like it there he would refuse to even leave the house or get in the car. He was crying when I picked him up today but stopped almost immediately to tell me something about a little girl in his class so now I’m not sure how real his distress is. His behaviour changes might just be part of a phase, perhaps to do with having a new(ish) baby sister getting some of my attention. He certainly seems to be acting more baby-like recently.

OP posts:
OhToBeASeahorse · 12/08/2020 04:17

Worrying about school refusal is a bit mad. He is 2.5!!

Please reconsider this set up . Mine would have been out of there after a month.

newlittle · 12/08/2020 04:24

I think you need to take your child out, if it's affecting his home life. Go with your gut instincts always, I ignored mine in relation to my daughter's nursery and sure enough it transpired I was right! It's just not worth him being this distressed. Is a childminder or nanny type arrangement a possibility?

HopelessSemantics · 12/08/2020 04:25

As a former nursery worker, teaching children in their non native language, that doesn't sound right to me at all.

I think you have to move him. After 8 months, you should be able to see an improvement at least.

Edinburghfalls · 12/08/2020 04:48

Op, any thoughts on the suggestions?
Would a childminders/ nanny be an option?

WentworthPrison · 12/08/2020 05:47

@HarryHarry

No I don’t. As I say, he’s not their child (and neither of them have children) so I don’t think they really understand. But I am also wary that I might just be being all PFB. I don’t know.
Don't assume people without kids don't care or understand ffs.
Tumbleweed101 · 12/08/2020 06:20

Did he have a break through lockdown?

There are some children who do take months to fully settle and some two year olds can dislike the nursery environment. I don’t think all children truly enjoy nursery until they reach three and interact much more with their peers - obviously plenty do enjoy it - but it is a difficult age for them to be in that environment and if there is a language barrier too perhaps he’s not always sure of what is expected.

I’d be tempted to find another nursery and start him again once he turns three.

Tumbleweed101 · 12/08/2020 06:23

Sorry just saw your update.

It is very normal for them to cry at drop off and pick up and if they say he’s fine during the session then they won’t be concerned as this is very common behaviour. If he’s crying all session as your opening post suggested then that isn’t so normal.

Oblomov20 · 12/08/2020 06:27

8 mths is too long. Stop maybe? Try another one once he's 3?

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