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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nursery refusal

126 replies

HarryHarry · 11/08/2020 19:26

If your child was or is a nursery or a school refuser, how did you know when to take them seriously when they said they didn’t want to go? To give in and let them stay at home?

I ask because my 2.5 year old son is extremely distressed at nursery. It’s been 8 months (minus a few weeks during lockdown) and he still isn’t getting used to it. In fact he is worse than ever. I know it’s normal for kids to cry at drop-off but I’ve never seen any other kid get into such a state. When I pick him up in the afternoons he is literally trembling like he’s been struggling to keep it together all day. I don’t want to remove him from the nursery as I think it will be good for him in the long-run (and also I don’t want to set a precedent for refusing primary school and secondary school) but I am a bit worried that it’s more than just normal separation anxiety/fear of the unfamiliar. Since he’s been going there he has become very sullen and emotional and fearful, even at home. He used to be so happy and carefree. The nursery workers don’t seem concerned but they don’t know what he’s like normally and also, he isn’t their child. They say he’s just picking up on my anxiety... but I wasn’t anxious until he started freaking out like this every day! The other children I see all seem totally content.

Please feel free to tell me that I’m overreacting - I really hope I am! I’d love to hear from parents who had similar and everything turned out fine!

OP posts:

Houndabouttown · 11/08/2020 20:15

I would try again at 3 or maybe 3.5. Also what you think is one of the ‘best’ nurseries might not be what your son values. My son had to move during lockdown. The new nursery isn’t what I would have chosen but he’s much happier.

Gogogadgetarms · 11/08/2020 20:15

8 months is more then long enough. I would remove him and try again in 6 months time or change the setting (from a nursery to CM or similar).
He can pick up the language via other methods, like you tube, lessons, kids tv etc.

Samcj02 · 11/08/2020 20:16

I agree 8 months is a long time, as a nursery worker in the uk, we do have children with EAL and they do settle longer than English speaking children but they’re normally settled in a few weeks. To be honest and blunt I’ve worked in some supposed outstanding nurseries here and when you’re working there the story is somewhat different and the care not so great! I’d try another nursery if at all possible.. x

washinglinefauxpas · 11/08/2020 20:21

Personally I would move him if there is any other option available. I don't think it sets any precedent for refusing school later on. The difference in development between 2.5 and school age is huge, he will be a very different boy by then. Sometimes it's easy to focus on what we feel we 'should' he doing to set them up well for the next stage etc. But it sounds like your instinct is telling you it isn't working and he isn't happy. I would listen to that.

Namechangearoo · 11/08/2020 20:23

I’m very surprised your child hasn’t picked up the language yet; I am also English-speaking in another country. My little boy has been in nursery since he was one, and within 6 months was showing understanding when they spoke to him in the local language, and had learned a few words too. Are they taking care to speak slowly for him and doing lots of hand gestures to help him understand? Can you speak any of the local language, or sing any songs to him in the language? Watch some local TV with him?

It took about 4 months for my son to settle. The staff were so caring and I could see he was happy during the day - just upset at drop off and pick up. Now he’s two and asks to go there on weekends too!

My gut is saying that something’s not right with your child’s nursery.

espressoontap · 11/08/2020 20:26

I couldn't keep my son there if he was still distraught after 8 weeks, let alone 8 months especially if you can see he's not happy. My DS took a month to settle, then when he changed rooms another couple of weeks but he has a whale of a time and comes out happy. I think you need to think about whether he really needs to go. Can he not go to an English speaking school?

oakleaffy · 11/08/2020 20:26

@HarryHarry

Speaks volumes....

''Since he’s been going there he has become very sullen and emotional and fearful, even at home. He used to be so happy and carefree.

The little boy is so clearly unhappy there that it is affecting his life away from that place.

Take a look at undercover You Tube videos of some day nurseries....what you see may give you an idea of what can go on.

Helpimfalling · 11/08/2020 20:27

How many sessions a week does he do?

Dragongirl10 · 11/08/2020 20:31

my Ds was the same, his sister went to nursery 2 afternoons from 2 and a half and loved it.

DS cried for 3 attempts so l kept him home, he started school just fine as he was ready by then.

Your DS is a tiny child who doesn't want to be away from you, if you are able keep him home. This will have no reflection on him starting school but traumatising him will knock his sense of security for no gain.

Angelina82 · 11/08/2020 20:32

Take the poor little thing out. The behaviour he is displaying is not normal at all and would have me very worried. Try another nursery or it may be that he’s just not ready yet.

SeenYourArse · 11/08/2020 20:33

I second please LISTEN to your child, find another nursery and try again why you would continue in this way beyond a month or so Is totally beyond me poor child

Sarahlou252 · 11/08/2020 20:37

I was waiting for you to say he goes once a week which always makes it extremely difficult to settle but I see he goes three times which is ideal, so if he still hasnt settled, I would say have a break for a term and try again later. Two and a half is really little still.
My dd went to a childminder that she just didnt bond with, she cried and cried every single morning, it was so hard. I gave notice, had the Easter holidays off with her, started her with someone new and she never cried again.
I'm advising from both angles here, I work in a pre school and see first hand how quickly children settle once Mum is out of sight, but after 8 months something clearly isnt right. It may not even be the nursery, maybe a bad experience that has now become association. I think I would be tempted to move him. Good luck.

Illuyanka · 11/08/2020 20:37

It depends on what age do they start school, and if you are planning to stay there and send your dc to local school.
I went to foreign country when I was a child, but I was way older. But I knew I had to learn to speak, so I didn't think it was an option to refuse to go even it was hard.
I have seen a child from foreign country joined my dc's nursery. My dc was his only friend because he was a selective mute and instantly clicked.

If the school won't start for few years, I would let him stay home until he become more confident and not to distressed. But if the school starts early at 4 like England, it would be even harder when he starts school.

EarlGreyJenny · 11/08/2020 20:38

Another nursery worker here. He sounds distressed, trust your instincts. It's concerning that the staff don't seem to be more concerned and trying to solve his obvious unhappiness. I'd try and figure out plan B if it was my child.

SerenityNowwwww · 11/08/2020 20:39

If he doesn’t speak the language then he will probably be feeling confused and frustrated.

I used to read with the children at DS school where there were kids of foreign kids and there were quite a lot who couldn’t speak English. I found they were getting frustrated - even angry - because they couldn’t communicate. And it did take some of them a while to catch up - one child was in year 2 and still stumbling over words and not all that fluent despite being born here, because his parents decided to keep home completely their native tongue and even got nannies from their home country to look after the children.

Id keep him at home a while longer and maybe take him to toddler language classes or get a teacher for him?

catsarecute · 11/08/2020 20:40

If you're in a position for him not to go for a while, I think I would take him out and keep him with you a bit longer. If you need the childcare place for work of course I know it's a different/more difficult decision. I know things are all up in the air due to coronavirus too, but as and when they become available, I would try taking him to some parent and toddler groups where you can get him used to mixing with other children but will be able to stay with him to give him that security, you will be able to observe how he is in a group then too and see how he interacts with others. Good luck.

ZoeTurtle · 11/08/2020 20:40

I don’t want to remove him from the nursery as I think it will be good for him in the long-run

It's hard to see your justification for this? It's been a long time and he still hates it, so something is wrong. I would do all I could to move him to a new nursery or childminder.

SerenityNowwwww · 11/08/2020 20:41

Are you planning on staying long term there? Is there an English nursery where he could learn the language but be in a familiar language setting?

iolaus · 11/08/2020 20:44

Mine all started a school/nursery at 3 - so a little older than your son - in a language they didn't speak at home, they were never like your son appears to be.

My eldest did have selective mutism at one point the staff were wondering if it was the language barrier, despite the fact that she would do what was asked in that language and wouldn't speak in English either - then they heard her talking to one of the kids in the other language and realised she just had a very small group of friends who she felt comfortable speaking in front of - but she was never (aside from the first few days) upset at going in and would come out all smiles

This place doesn't seem to be a good fit for your child

carly2803 · 11/08/2020 20:44

move him! a few weeks of unsettled is normal. but 8 months isnt normal

SandieCheeks · 11/08/2020 20:44

Presumably he started at about 20 months or so and wasn't really speaking any language? So the communication issue isn't really the problem - lots of 2.5 year olds barely talk and still love nursery.

I would not have put a child through this for 8 months - 8 weeks maybe, but if they aren't happy and settled by then, then they are not going to settle.

LemonDrizzles · 11/08/2020 20:51

Can you befriend another child who is around the same age, bilingual, and arrange some playdate? Having a friend can make a difference

OverTheRainbow88 · 11/08/2020 20:51

My son cries at every bloody drop of screaming NO NURSERY... but when I collect him he’s bouncing around so happy- I can see him before he sees me.

If on collection he still looked sad I would defo stop. Try a diff nursery or he may be more suited to a child minder in a
Home environment?

Friendsoftheearth · 11/08/2020 20:53

Op have you waited and watched to see how he is after you have left? Is he still crying or sad in the video messages they are sending you during the day - which will clearly illustrate how unhappy he is long after you left from what you have said in your last post?

This is not normal. I would move him. Something is definitely wrong if he is showing such distress. He will learn the language soon enough, or send him to an international English speaking school. It sounds awful for both of you.

Planterlifer · 11/08/2020 20:57

I would move him. Immediately. Can you keep him at home?

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