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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lunch with ex

105 replies

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 08:50

Name change

Last night my partner got visibly uncomfortable at a text. Apparently his parents have invited his ex wife and their two children out for lunch tomorrow (no particular reason, just the eat out deal) and his ex wife then followed it up asking him to take time away from work to go with them. Note the kids will be staying with us that evening anyway so he will spend time with them regardless.

He said to me 'I don't know what to reply as you are not going to be happy if I go'. I said 'no, not overly, your mum invited her, there is no reason for you to go along.' and I left it at that.

He sees his kids 4 nights a week and his parents a few times a week, so spending this lunch time with them just seems unnecessary and for the benefit of his ex, who would very happily have people assume they are still together. She was hospitalised earlier this year after suicidal thoughts and her therapist suggested she needed to avoid him as much as possible as it made her feel and act so much worse so I also feel he should respect that and not go along playing husband which will only make her feel heartbroken later. Also, no, I do not see the need for them to go together. I won't try to stop him but I know I am being seen as the bad one. So, thoughts please?

OP posts:

DonLewis · 11/08/2020 08:53

I don't understand why he's putting it to you. He should not want to go and have the balls to tell his parents.

Or he could say, I'd like to go. And talk to you about why. But that would rely on their relationship being simple and over with no weirdness.

His parents have kicked the hornets nest here though, haven't they? Why?

mummyof4kids · 11/08/2020 08:57

I don't see why he needs to go? If his parents are still friendly with his ex then that's fine, let them have lunch together.
Your DP needs to say he either wants to go or doesn't? He doesn't seem to know.
I wouldn't be happy in your shoes

TeddyIsaHe · 11/08/2020 08:59

This is a non-issue surely? He just messages saying he doesn’t want to go. I don’t understand why it has to be so fraught.

Original poster

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:01

DonLewis his parents are still close to her, I don't begrudge that. They only invited her and the kids. His mum did mention the possibility of taking me/dp and all of the children out at some point so I assumed she was just trying to keep things equal and not make his ex feel sidelined. It is his ex that wants him there I don't think his mum is even aware of the invitation extension.

OP posts:

Tooshytoshine · 11/08/2020 09:03

I feel like there is more to this story...

YANBU as he is no longer with his ex and should avoid her if it causes her additional pain.

MsVestibule · 11/08/2020 09:04

If he has a close relationship with his family and children (i.e. he already sees them frequently) why is he even considering going? It's as though he's asking you permission for something that he knows you're not comfortable with. It's his decision to make; he's being a bit of a wuss by involving you.

Original poster

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:04

TeddyIsaHe oh if only. It is exhausting. I am a villain.

OP posts:

blacktop · 11/08/2020 09:04

This really wouldn't bother me tbh.

SeaState3 · 11/08/2020 09:06

How long ago did they split up, and how soon after did you come on the scene?

Saracen · 11/08/2020 09:09

With all you've said, especially the ex's unhealthy attachment to your DP, it seems it would be unwise for him to go. But I don't understand why he's putting it on you. Does he not have an opinion on whether he wants to go?

If he doesn't want to go then he should take ownership of that and not pretend it is because you would get upset. If he does want to go, he should explain why and expect you to understand and be okay with it.

ivfdreaming · 11/08/2020 09:09

I actually think you are being very unreasonable and more than a bit controlling

He's his EX wife for reason

Not every Ex wife is trying to get back in their ex husbands pants even if she does have some mental health problems. I think it's a nice thing to do for the children to show them that they are still friends and able to be comfortable and civil around each other and able to co-parent like adults

JulesCobb · 11/08/2020 09:10

There must be a lot more at play here. Do you and your partner have children together? Because you mentioned al the kids. How long have they been divorced? Why can’t he say no?

slipperywhensparticus · 11/08/2020 09:10

I would be wary of a man whose exes therapist actively warns her to reduce contact with

Also be wary if a man making this your problem and "your fault"

His implication is but for your "unreasonable objection" this would be OK for him to do

JulesCobb · 11/08/2020 09:11

Not every Ex wife is trying to get back in their ex husbands pants even if she does have some mental health problems.

No of course not. But in THIS case, it sounds like she is.

Original poster

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:11

SeaState3 his ex set up his online profile from which I met him. She announced she didn't love him and had her own partners 4 or 5 years before I came along...

OP posts:

Ooooosh · 11/08/2020 09:11

I would point out how many times per week he sees the children and his parents and say it’s ridiculous that he’s considering going. It’s pretty disrespectful to you to be honest, I wouldn’t be happy about it at all. She’s causing trouble on purpose.

Sally872 · 11/08/2020 09:14

Yanbu.

Nice MIL is keeping contact if she wants and likely good for ex and grand kids too. Great you don't grudge that.

Mil obv realises it is inappropriate to invite your dh without you. Your dh should just day no thanks there shouldn't be a drama, you definitely shouldn't be the villan and if he wants to go why does he want to go?

blacktop · 11/08/2020 09:14

I would be wary of a man whose exes therapist actively warns her to reduce contact with

I would be wary of believing anyone that told me why happened between a patient and a therapist anyway. Nobody actually knows this information.

Original poster

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:15

ivfdreaming I get co parenting thank you. I have been out for dinner including my ex to celebrate a fantastic parents eve or for one of the children's birthdays etc. My partner is welcomed too. We all get along.

Also, I haven't tried control him, he asked if I would be happy and I said no.

OP posts:

Original poster

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:18

blacktop it was his ex who told him. She said she needed to stay upstairs for drop offs and pick ups as seeing him was upsetting her further and her therapist had told her to distance.

OP posts:

ivfdreaming · 11/08/2020 09:18

@Perfectlymarvellous

If you "all get along" why don't you want him to go then????

And yes saying you are not happy with something knowing full well he then will bow to what you want to avoid upsetting YOU is controlling......

Original poster

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:22

ivfdreaming no, I meant my ex and my partner. He, for all his many faults does not try to cause trouble in our relationship or tell our children lies etc.

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 11/08/2020 09:22

I think your dh parents need to distance themselves a little from the ex. You are the dh partner, so why not invite you out instead?

blacktop · 11/08/2020 09:24

@Perfectlymarvellous

blacktop it was his ex who told him. She said she needed to stay upstairs for drop offs and pick ups as seeing him was upsetting her further and her therapist had told her to distance.

Exactly my point. She told him, he told you, you have told us. Realistically though none of us actually know why was said in the room.

Original poster

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:24

ivfdreaming so I cannot say I am not happy when asked without being controlling? He is a bloody grown man. He doesn't have to bow to anyone.

OP posts:

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