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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch with ex

105 replies

Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 08:50

Name change

Last night my partner got visibly uncomfortable at a text. Apparently his parents have invited his ex wife and their two children out for lunch tomorrow (no particular reason, just the eat out deal) and his ex wife then followed it up asking him to take time away from work to go with them. Note the kids will be staying with us that evening anyway so he will spend time with them regardless.

He said to me 'I don't know what to reply as you are not going to be happy if I go'. I said 'no, not overly, your mum invited her, there is no reason for you to go along.' and I left it at that.

He sees his kids 4 nights a week and his parents a few times a week, so spending this lunch time with them just seems unnecessary and for the benefit of his ex, who would very happily have people assume they are still together. She was hospitalised earlier this year after suicidal thoughts and her therapist suggested she needed to avoid him as much as possible as it made her feel and act so much worse so I also feel he should respect that and not go along playing husband which will only make her feel heartbroken later. Also, no, I do not see the need for them to go together. I won't try to stop him but I know I am being seen as the bad one. So, thoughts please?

OP posts:
Byronsmummy · 11/08/2020 09:24

Id be more concerned why a therapist told the ex to avoid him after she was the one to end it and has a new partner. Did he take it badly and still has feelings for her maybe? Why would you be the villain? His parents didnt invite him as they know it's inappropriate. All a bit odd. YANBU.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 11/08/2020 09:25

He needs to grow a pair doesn't he?
Ime it's hard to respect a man who can't stand up to his ex.

Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:28

Byronsmummy no she has had various boyfriends over the years, mainly whilst they were still married. She tried to force him to have a poly marriage because she wasn't happy. It was him who finally said it wasn't what he wanted and he could not do it. She didn't want just him. So that was that. Only she does still want him on a string.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/08/2020 09:33

@Perfectlymarvellous

TeddyIsaHe oh if only. It is exhausting. I am a villain.
From your partner's pov?

Why do you put up with that?

He (imo) should be saying no & wanting to say no.

But he obviously doesn't!

Byronsmummy · 11/08/2020 09:34

Even more reason for him not to go. It isn't controlling of you to say no. Controlling is a whole different ball game.

Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:40

diddl yeah him but mainly her. I will then get dsd7 saying things like 'you upset my mummy by blah and she can't do blah because you don't like it and mummy loves daddy and you won't let them love each other' etcConfusedSad

OP posts:
Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 09:43

I reassure his kids I will never try and take the place of their mum and that their parents decided way before me not to be together and that they will always care for one and other etc but it is hard when his ex is clearly saying a lot of things to them she shouldn't, most of which is untrue

OP posts:
RoseTintedAtuin · 11/08/2020 09:48

I would suggest that you both need to go and be presented as a unit or he doesn’t go. Co-parenting is great but you are now part of the family and I don’t see it as helpful to children (or adults) to present the ‘old’ family dynamic. You are his partner now and part of their family. You are not usurping her or an outsider and shouldn’t be treated as one. It is best to put these boundaries in place at the beginning otherwise it will be confusing. Could you propose you all go if that is the case? It may be the PIL are wanting to keep the two sides separate to avoid this confusion.

AbbieFB · 11/08/2020 09:48

What would your partner choose to do if he took your views out of the equation?

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/08/2020 09:49

No need for him to go really is there especially since she clearly has personal problems that it plays into. You would think his parents themselves would have the tact not to participate either if they are so 'close'.

Your DP sounds a wet blanket OP, deferring it to you sulkily is very puerile of him and seems manipulative. Obviously he hoped to make you look so difficult that you responded by telling him sweetly to go so that you don't look insecure or trying. I'm not sure I could be bothered with it.

I'd expect him to decline on the grounds it might cause her some sort of issue, or go with them I suppose. No reason that he should be invited and you not and if things are as civil you say, his ex would agree surely.

diddl · 11/08/2020 09:49

"but it is hard when his ex is clearly saying a lot of things to them she shouldn't, most of which is untrue"

So then surely he needs to not go to this sort of thing & be a pretend family?

If he didn't see his kids much I might get the pull to do it.

overnightangel · 11/08/2020 10:01

“She was hospitalised earlier this year after suicidal thoughts and her therapist suggested she needed to avoid him as much as possible”

Oh aye and she told you this herself did she?
And did she also tell you she set up the online profile did she?

Sounds like you’re being played like a fiddle

Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 10:01

AbbieFB he would likely go so she didn't get mad and then spend the rest of the week stressing manically about the two hours of work he missed setting him way behind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perfectlymarvellous · 11/08/2020 10:02

overnightangel with regards to the profile...yes, actually

OP posts:
Wherestheline · 11/08/2020 10:10

Unless it was a special occasion his automatic reaction should be to say no.

Rewis · 11/08/2020 10:23

her therapist suggested she needed to avoid him as much as possible as it made her feel and act so much worse

I feel like this should be the answer.

FrootTheLoot · 11/08/2020 10:30

I will then get dsd7 saying things like 'you upset my mummy by blah and she can't do blah because you don't like it and mummy loves daddy and you won't let them love each other'

Yeah... It's a no from me. I wouldn't be happy if DH went along with this after all the above ^^.

It's all very well and good saying kids should be able to see parents being friendly etc... But if they are being told that X is stopping mummy and daddy from loving each other and all the rest of it then it will do nothing but confuse them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2020 10:37

Why’s he being so spineless?

You’re not wrong at all. You’re being given a hard time and I can’t see why. You might be a step mum but you’re a human being with opinions and feelings too Grin

It’s clearly for the best for him, the ex and the kids that the boundaries are as clear as possible and that means no socialising.

His ex is clearly unwell and he needs to give her as little cause for further instability as he can, for the children’s benefit if not her own.

His parents aren’t helping a tricky situation so they’re either shit stirring or don’t understand the extent of your issues. Not your problem.

He’s working, he’s seeing the DC later anyway, just no.

rusholmeruffians · 11/08/2020 10:53

Me and dh have been amicably separated for about 6 years and occasionally I'll go for a coffee out with him and our 2 dc. I think if you are lucky enough to be amicable with your ex then it's lovely for your dc to see you behaving like adults and friends.

roarfeckingroarr · 11/08/2020 10:59

Why aren't you happy with him going? They broke up ages ago and have kids. Might be nice.

RandomMess · 11/08/2020 11:04

Surely as she has said she needs to see him as little as possible then the correct answer is "I don't think that's in anyone interests" or "I can't take the time off work"

KeepingPlain · 11/08/2020 11:12

I get why they shouldn't be having lunch together given her mental health. But why does he want to go? He knows it will lead her on. He wants to go as he put it back on you. Bit weird, I'd be asking him about that.

FrootTheLoot · 11/08/2020 11:23

@roarfeckingroarr

Why aren't you happy with him going? They broke up ages ago and have kids. Might be nice.
Erm maybe because of everything the OP has put in her posts?

As I say, I get the whole 'its good for kids to see parents getting along'. But not if they are expressing things like the OP has said. It's just confusing in that scenario.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/08/2020 11:26

Why don't you both go?

WhatCFeryIsThis · 11/08/2020 11:34

@ivfdreaming it seems more like you're trying to control the narrative of this scenario than anything.

@Perfectlymarvellous as a PP mentioned, you should go with them. I think that's a brilliant idea.

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